The Fido Mystery
by The PikaCrew
Author's note This was brought about by "popular demand." And a tad too much Mountain Dew.
Fido, the Fanfiction guard dog, had just finished chowing down on some unwary reviewers and flamers who had tried to review the same story twice. He spit out their flaming carcasses and burped loudly. The Fanfiction netmaster gently patted him on the head.
"Good Fido. You keep those nasty, evil double-reviewers away." The Netmaster exited, leaving the room's large, oak door open just a tad. Fido laid down to take a long nap, tired from his exertions; not to mention full. He was fast asleep in minutes.
The Netmaster's startled scream echoed through the empty office. The only living soul who would have heard it, dear Fido, was fast asleep, this was mostly due to the tranquilizer dart buried in his thick neck. Lara Croft stepped out from behind the Netperson and tucked the chloroform-drenched rag into her pocket. She gently lowered the limp body to the floor. Looking around to make sure nobody had seen, she snuck into the room where Fido was sleeping soundly. She rather roughly ripped the dart out of his hide and dragged him through the door.
"Darn thing weighs as much as I do," she mumbled as she muscled him down the hall. She loaded him into her blue Volkswagen Beetle, and watched in dismay as the rear end of the tiny car nearly dragged on the ground. She tossed the tranq gun into the front seat and made sure Fido was secured. Secured? He's in here so tight I'll be lucky if I can get him out! She climbed in the driver's side and gunned the engine, speeding away toward her boss's office. As she did, she pulled a 12oz. Mountain Dew off of the floor and chugged it. She tossed the empty bottle in the back seat with Fido; it bounced with a hollow thunk off of his thick skull.
The Netperson regained consciousness slowly. He/She sat up and held his/her head.
"Owww." A horrid thought flashed through the Netperson's mind. He/she stood. He/she hoped nothing had happened while he/she had been unconscious. Wait a second! I wasn't just asleep! Someone knocked me out! But why? He/she had a bad feeling about all of this.
"Fido! Here, boy! Here Fido!" There was no returning bark, or earthquake-like steps as Fido came running. He/she ran back to Fido's room. Empty!
"What would anyone have wanted with my watch-dog?" Then it hit him/her. Fido was sure to have plenty of enemies, after consuming so many innocent readers. But who would want to kidnap him? He/she studied the room. There were absolutely no clues, except for a small rectangular piece of plastic lying on the floor. The Netperson walked over and picked it up. It was a library card. Scrawled on the back was a messy signature. The Netmaster squinted, trying to make it out. It was very smudged, and appeared water-damaged.
"L- Lar- ...." The Netmaster squinted harder. "That's it! Lara Croft! I knew it!" He/she stuck the card in his/her back pocket and pulled out his/her cell phone and punched in a number.
Agent Dana Scully flipped her cell phone shut. She turned to her partner, Agent Fox Mulder. He looked at her questioningly.
"That was her. She's got the puppy in the back seat. She should be here within the hour." Mulder studied the paper he was holding.
"That's no ordinary dog. Hope she's got a big back seat."
Scully looked at him scornfully. "We believe that this "puppy" was affected by extreme radiation at birth, explaining his uncontrollable urge to devour innocent readers. And his size."
Mulder raised his eyebrows. "That's all? What about the owner?"
Scully shrugged. "Our dog-napping friend has assured me that the owner is in no danger, but out one guard-dog."
"Does our "dog-napping friend" have a name?" Scully gave him a glance.
"I'm sure you'll recognize her when you meet her."
Lara Croft steered her Volkswagen around a high-speed curve. Empty Mountain Dew bottles thunked against the windows. She glanced into the back seat. Fido was still out cold, much to her relief.
"Good doggy," she muttered under her breath. It would probably be a rather nasty experience to be trapped in a Volkswagen with a 500-pound, three-headed dog. And Scully said he was just a puppy. That must have been some serious radiation. Lara continued to speed down the highway, radio cranked up so loud she could not hear the outside traffic world. Which is why she did not immediately notice the flashing lights and sirens of the police cruiser fast approaching.
"Hello?" The soft voice on the other end of the connection questioned.
"Hi James, it's me, the Netmaster." James Bond smiled to himself.
"What do you need, my friend?" The Netmaster took a deep breath.
"James, Fido's been kidnapped. I need to get him back, or we will be having people multiple-reviewing stories!"
"Calm down. Now, how was Fido dognapped? Do you know who did it?"
"Yes. Her name is Lara Croft. Have you ever heard of her?" On the other end, James Bond nearly wet his pants.
"Lara Croft!!!!??? Yes, of course I'll find your dog for you! Where is she?!"
"Uh... that's a very good question. I'm afraid I can't answer it right now. But maybe you should try a place where they research unusual phenomena. You see, Fido is very unusual. He has three heads, and eats people."
"Isn't there something over in the U.S. where they research stuff like that? The Z-Files or something?" The Netmaster thought a second.
"Yeah! In Washington D.C. The X-Files. You should start there."
"Beautiful woman? You better believe I'll start there!" Bond ended the call and booked a flight for the United States.
Lara looked out her rear-view mirror. Mumbling an obscenity, she pulled her car off to the side of the road. She rolled down the window and stuck her head out. The officer tipped his hat.
"Mornin' miss." The officer had a heavy Southern drawl.
"It seems I've caught you doin' 125 in 45 zone."
Lara squinted at her speedometer like she couldn't read it. In truth, she could read it just fine, but the 500- pound cargo might draw some unwanted attention.
"Oh, I'm sorry. You see, I'm from out-of town, and I'm not used to reading a speedometer measured in miles per hour." The officer looked at her strangely.
"You must be from one backwater town! We've been usin' miles for years now. Where you from anyways? Australia?" Lara gave him a mystified look and flashed her best smile. The officer smiled back.
Lara slammed her foot down on the gas and sped away, leaving the slightly bewildered officer in a cloud of dust. When he finally realized what had happened, he grabbed his radio and called for backup. He jumped in the car and began the pursuit himself.
James Bond walked casually off the plane. Washington D.C. was crowded. He found his rental car, a BMW Z-3. He climbed in, and made sure all of the usual safety precautions were in working order.
"Good old Q," he said. He pulled up his GPS and located the FBI Building. It was late, so he checked in to his hotel. The room was comfortably appointed, with a large bed and bathroom. He threw his suitcase on the bed and set up his laptop. He decided to e-mail his good friend, John Doggett. Doggett, a retired FBI agent, knew a lot about the so-called X-Files organization. While waiting for Doggett's reply, he roamed around his room, opening drawers and the mini-fridge. In the fridge was a box of fresh donuts. He pulled out the box and began eating. The donuts were really good. He flopped down on the bed, and nearly jumped out of his skin when a startled squeak came from under the covers. He did not have any time to think about what might have caused the noise because a powerful electric shock threw him off the bed and onto the floor. The donuts went flying.
A few minutes later, when he came to, he noticed a strange lump in the bed. He yanked back the covers and saw a bright yellow ball of fuzz hiding there.
"What in the???!!!"
"Oh my god! It's a Pokemon! In my bed! Hi little fella..." Pikachu jumped off the bed and looked up at Bond curiously.
"Pika?" Pikachu stood up and hopped to the floor. He extended his tail. Bond nervously "shook."
"Hi little guy. Do you think you could help me? I'm looking for a woman named Lara Croft. Have you seen her?"
"Pikapikaaa!" Pikachu nodded enthusiastically. He pulled out his wallet and flipped it open. A half-dozen photographs fell out, all of Lara. Bond took a look.
"Whoa. Nice pictures. Do you think I could borrow one?"
Pikachu shook his head.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry I asked." He shrugged. "Well, I guess we might as well work together. She can't be that hard to catch."
Scully and Mulder paced the office.
"Where is she?" Mulder's voice held an obvious note of dismay.
"She probably got, uh, sidetracked." Scully pondered what could be keeping Lara. She certainly hoped that beast hadn't woken up and ripped her to shreds.
"She'll be here."
Lara swore violently when she saw three police cruisers chasing her. She hit the gas and wove dangerously through traffic. The crowded interstate made for tough driving. She knew the cops would catch her if she didn't do something fast. Handily, there was an empty tractor-trailer only a few miles ahead. She quickly covered the distance. The cops caught up, just as Lara sent her car ramping up the empty trailer and over several other cars. She skidded to a halt, turned 360 degrees and continued driving. She could still see the police lights.
Worse yet, Fido was moaning. Mountain Dew bottles rattled around the back. Lara kept driving, hoping to lose those pesky cruisers.
Night was falling when Lara pulled into the FBI parking lot. She slumped, exhausted over the wheel, and her shoulders sagged lower when she thought about having to wrestle the mutt out of the back of her bug. She got the bright idea of pulling up next to the back door to unload, but that thought was shout when she revved the engine to start the car. With a loud clunk, the engine dropped out of the car and onto the parking lot asphalt. Lara slammed her fist on the wheel. She sat there a moment, trying to figure out what to do. She saw the door open and a red-haired woman walk out.
Lara opened the door and stepped out of the car. The red-haired woman extended her hand.
"Agent Dana Scully, FBI."
"How was your trip? I began to worry when you didn't show up."
Lara looked over at her car.
"The trip? It was exciting. I'll leave it at that." The door opened again. A tall man in a black trenchcoat walked out.
"This is agent Mulder. My partner." Lara nodded stiffly at him.
"A pleasure." She smiled. She was about to say more when a loud growl came from the back of the Bug.
"Fido's up." Lara looked over at the crammed back seat and sighed. Getting that thing out would not be easy. Especially now that it was awake. Lara walked tiredly to the car and opened the door. She grabbed the tranq gun off the front seat and shot another dart into Fido. He went limp with not even so much as a whimper. Lara began to wrestle it out of the door, when she bumped into something behind her. She jumped, startled. Agent Mulder stood there, smiling.
"Here, let me help you with that," Lara looked at him.
"You push from that side. I'll pull." Twenty minutes later, they had the three-headed monstrosity on a table in Scully's forensics lab. The metal strained under the weight.
"What do you expect to find, Agent Scully?"
Scully snapped on her latex gloves. "I believe this dog has been exposed to excessive amounts of radioactive materials. This would cause the obvious mutations."
"Interesting." Lara leaned heavily on a wall.
"You look tired, Ms. Croft."
Lara held up a hand. "It's Lara." Mulder smiled a bit.
"Okay then, Lara, you look tired. Do you need a place to sleep?"
"Point me to the nearest couch."
"I think I can do better than that."
Scully looked up from her work as Mulder continued,
"You can stay at my place. I'll sleep on the couch." Lara glanced over at Scully, who was eyeing both of them.
"I wouldn't want to intrude. I'm sure I can find a hotel." She exited without another word. Scully sat down her small scalpel.
"Alright Mulder, you can say it now. You think she's gorgeous."
"Ha. Since when can you read my mind?"
"I don't have to read your mind. You make it plain as day."
"Oh, come on Mulder. You invited her to stay at your apartment... The first day you met her!"
"Okay? So what? She needed a place to stay and I had one." Scully sighed and turned back to her work. "Whatever. I'll see you in the morning."
Later That Night...
007 walked back to his bedroom from the hotel's large swimming pool, his furry yellow companion at his side. When he passed the main desk, he saw a young woman in blue jeans and boots checking in. she looked a bit familiar, but he couldn't place her without seeing her face, so he kept walking.
He felt and urgent tug on his bathrobe. He looked down. Pikachu pointed to the woman.
"Pipikapikachu!" Bond turned. It was her! She was every bit as beautiful as the pictures. If it weren't for the dark circles under her eyes, she would have looked absolutely smashing. He turned a corner and waited for her to leave for her room. When she did, he followed slowly, keeping his distance. She walked into room 51 and shut the door.
"Come on Pikachu. Let's get back to the room." They turned and walked back to their own room. As Bond showered and climbed in bed, he thought momentarily about the empty spot beside him. I'll solve that problem by tomorrow night. A second thought popped into his head. The dog! you're supposed to be saving Fido or else the Netmaster will be very angry. Okay. The dog, then the girl. He fell asleep. Pikachu nestled annoyingly into his ribs.
Scully returned to her work. She was absolutely fascinated by the DNA samples she'd taken. As she'd expected, there were extremely high amounts of radiation in the blood. No wonder this dog, which should have been a sweet and innocent puppy was a monster, ripping off people's heads simply for reviewing a story twice. She gave the dog a gentle pat. It snapped at her fingers ferociously. She jumped away, then cautiously checked the padlock on the cage door.
"G'night Fido." she hit the lights and walked out.
Fanfiction.net was an absolute disaster. Everyone was holding regular conversations in the forums, rather than reviewing stories. (Not that it wasn't happening before), but now it was truly a mess. The Netmaster was sobbing over his/her keyboard,
"Why have they done this to me? Oh, Fido where art thou?"
Lara Croft walked briskly to the FBI building. She had the nagging feeling that someone was following her, but whenever she turned around to look, she saw nothing. Just as she was about three blocks from the FBI HQ, she was tackled forcefully from behind. A hand was clamped over her mouth and she was dragged into an alley. She bit down hard on the hand and tasted blood as she heard a muffled yell. She was shoved up against a wall and found herself looking into the face of none other than James Bond. He removed his hand and flung the blood off his fingers. A small, yellow stuffed-looking mouse stood in front of her. She straightened and prepared to fight.
"You move, he zaps."
"This is Pikachu, a friend of mine. 10,000 volts of electricity through your chest if you move. That's enough to stop your heart for a good long time."
"Now. Tell me where Fido is." Lara stood absolutely still, not saying a word.
"Tell me. Now!" Lara leaned against the wall casually.
"I don't know."
"It was worth a shot."
"Okay Pikachu. Zap her." Pikachu's cheeks crackled with energy. He stayed this way for a few seconds, until, unexpectedly, Lara reached down and rubbed him behind the ears. Immediately, the electricity stopped.
"Pika!" Pikachu's eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. Bond looked on disgustedly. Lara kept petting Pikachu until she was sure Bond was annoyed. Then, faster then he could follow, she was on top of him, with a fist firmly planted in his ribs. A second blow struck his left temple, a third his stomach. He rolled on the ground in agony. Clenching his teeth, he grabbed her arm before she could hit him again. He neatly flipped her over.
"Alright, woman, you may be fast, but I'm still bigger." Lara didn't even look phased. She brought her knee up into a very tender spot, and he got off her immediately. She stood, brushed herself off, and then kicked in the ribs once more for good measure.
"Don't ever tackle me like that again." Then she walked away.
Bond lay in the alley, more stunned than he was hurt. He pulled himself to his feet, using a wall to help him. He looked over at Pikachu,
"Brains, beauty, and a really good right hook ."
"Pika," Pikachu agreed heartily.
Lara stalked into Mulder's office, nursing a scrape on her right elbow. Mulder looked up from his computer.
"The Netmaster sent James Bond to get his/her dog back." Mulder raised an eyebrow.
"And I take it you ran into him?"
"How'd you guess?" He motioned to her arm.
"You're bleeding. I'm assuming he's in worse shape, though, from what I know about you."
"Far worse. But that's not the point. Tell Scully she needs to get along with this procedure to deaden the effects of the radiation. I don't want to be ambushed in any more dark alleys."
Just then, Scully burst in. A leash trailed behind her, and on the leash a perfectly cute, normal puppy.
"Lara, Mulder, meet Fido." Fido barked at the sound of his name. Just as Scully was about to launch into a description of the procedure, a gunshot ripped through a stack of papers near Mulder's head. A second hit him in the right arm.
"Mulder!" Scully ran to his side. Lara pulled one of her pistols free and shot in the general direction of the bullet that had hit Mulder. James Bond kicked down the door and ran in, gun aimed at Lara's head. Lara mimicked his posture, hoping he wouldn't shoot first.
Suddenly, Fido ran in front of Bond.
"You... healed him?" Scully looked up from Mulder for a second.
"I undid the radiation effects. He's a healthy, happy puppy. You can take him back to the Netmaster now." 007 lowered his gun. He picked up the dog's leash. Fido came obediently, sitting at Bond's feet.
Lara holstered her own weapon and looked over at Mulder. He seemed okay, especially since Scully was there. It was probably a good time to leave; while things had calmed down. She gave Fido a pat and walked out; she had to find a cab and catch a plane home. She didn't notice the small, yellow pokemon following her...
Bond looked longingly after Lara. I was this close! He sighed dejectedly and walked with Fido to his car. He only hoped Fido wouldn't make a mess on the upholstery.
Authors' notes We do not intend to insult anyone or anything. If we have, you can send your hate mail to: firstname.lastname@example.org (or you can just email us for the fun of it!) Did we mention we hate Agent Doggett?
Disclaimer: We don't own nuthin. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Fido is the exclusive property of Fanfiction.net and Lara of Eidos and Core. The X-Files and characters are property of their creators. Pokemon and Pikachu are property of Nintendo. Anything else there is to own, we don't own it!