HARRY, ER, MALCOLM AND THE SORCERERS STONE

The following story is for the fans of the Hogwarts in the Middle story, and it's sequels, as it has become obvious that the next book will not come out for some time. The premise of the story is obvious. Instead of being sent to live with the Dursleys, the hero of our story is sent instead to live with his American half-uncle. The purpose of this story is to show that growing up in a closet is not necessarily a bad thing once you consider the alternatives.

This is a Crossover Story between the TV series 'Malcolm in the Middle' and the JK Rowling books on 'Harry Potter.' It is obvious to everyone that I own none of the rights to either of these. That's why you're reading it for free on the internet as opposed to paying more than it's worth to buy the book.

For those of you who are curious, the following is a list of the prominent Characters in the story.

Malcolm is the main character. He starts out as Harry but that soon changes. Like his birth father he is exceptional bright. Not that it makes any difference at home.

Hal is his father. He puts the milk in Milquetoast. The bravest thing he ever did was not that big a deal. Hal is a lover, not a fighter. That is why Lois loves him. That is also why the children spend so much time out of doors without proper supervision.

Lois is his mother. She is a control freak. She wants to be in charge of everything. To make things worse, she sprinkles every domineering tactic with an ounce of love. She really believes she is doing it for your own good.

Reese is Malcolm's older brother. He knows that Malcolm is smarter than him. He knows that almost everyone is smarter than him. He also knows that most of them are afraid of being hit by him.

Dewey is Malcolm's younger brother. He is most often described as being at that stage between toddler and hamster. While he may seem odd, under closer observation he will clearly confuse you.

Francis is Malcolm's oldest brother. He was sent away to Marlin Academy, a military school, for no good reason. As he readily points out, "it wasn't even our car."

Ron Weasley is tall gangly and wizard-born. He becomes Malcolm's best friend. Their main shared interest turns out to be the wizard sport, Quidditch.

Hermione Granger, unlike Ron, is muggle-born, meaning that both her parents are normal (not magical). She is smart, bossy and argumentative. That she and Malcolm become friends is a given. It won't be until years later that he realizes that, except for age and experience, Hermione is exactly like Lois.

Neville Longbottom is kind of a friend. He tends to be clumsy and forgetful but he usually is the one to unite everyone in a close knit group. It doesn't help that the reason is to hunt for his toad, Trevor.

Albus Dumbledore is the father figure of the story. He is also the headmaster of the school. He knows everything and is always prepared to handle every situation. He is also considered very wise. This is because he doesn't try to control a school full of children with magical powers. He knows it is easier to let them learn from their own mistakes.

Hedwig is the owl that Harry was given as a birthday present. Many people will notice that Malcolm is not given an owl as a birthday present. The reason is obvious. Putting an owl in Malcolm's care would be like sending Harry off to live with a bunch of Americans. He'd be better off living in a closet. If you don't believe me, read the story.

Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived

It was almost Midnight when the old man appeared on the suburban street. He looked like a relic from the sixties with his robes and his long flowing hair. Carefully he pulled a strange device out of one of his pockets and pointed it at the nearest streetlight. He pressed the trigger and the light from the lamp flew out in a glowing ball to be absorbed by the device. One by one he put out all of the streetlights, leaving the block in complete darkness.

"Are you sure about this, Professor Dumbledore?" asked a severe looking woman in an emerald green cloak as she suddenly appeared.

"You have convinced me, Professor McGonagall. The other relatives were too much of the wrong sort, and Lily's half-brother has enough of the family blood for the protective spells to work. He could not possibly be worse than Petunia Dursley."

"I shouldn't complain," Professor McGonagall said. "After all, it was my idea. But I did not realize he was American when I made the suggestion."

"It is too late to change things now," Dumbledore said consolingly. "But this will give Harry the chance to grow up away from the fame that has already gathered around his name."

"I hope you are right," McGonagall said as the sound of a motorcycle could be heard in the distance.

"Ah," Dumbledore said. "Here comes Hagrid, now."

A motorcycle flew out of the clouds and landed on the unkempt lawn in front of the house, almost knocking down the 'for sale' sign on the lawn of the house next door.

"Sorry, I'm late, Professor Dumbledore, Sir," Hagrid said as he dismounted. "Had to stop in Nova Scotia to give the wee lad a change. But he's sleeping again, all nice and clean."

Both Dumbledore and McGonagall grinned at the thought of the giant changing a baby's nappies, but Albus noticed tears forming as Hagrid held out the sleeping bundle.

"There, there, Hagrid." Dumbledore consoled the giant as he took the baby from him. "It isn't really goodbye."

"I know, Sir," Hagrid said as he wiped his eyes. "But I'll still miss him."

Dumbledore took the sleeping baby wrapped in the blanket and gently laid him on the doorstep. He reached into his robes pulling out a letter of explanation and placing it next to the boy.

"Good Luck, Harry . . ."

The door opened.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A BABY? OH MY GOD! IT IS A BABY. HAL, CALL THE POLICE."

"This is not what it seems, Madam," Professor McGonagall said quickly as Dumbledore picked up little Harry.

"It isn't? Do you expect me to believe that you weren't going to leave that baby on my doorstep? What kind of sick people are you anyway?"

"We are friends of your nephew's late parents," Dumbledore said firmly.

"Lois," Hal called from inside, "the police are on their way."

"I would like to explain this," Dumbledore said calmly.

"You will," Lois hissed. "As soon as the cops get here."

"About your nephew," Dumbledore insisted.

"LET THE MAN TALK," Hagrid bellowed.

"SHUT THE HELL UP," a neighbor bellowed in return.

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS," Lois shouted in response, then she turned to Hagrid. "Like I would listen to you, you overgrown oaf. I suppose it was your idea to park your bike on our lawn."

"As though anyone would notice," Hagrid growled back. "Have ye ever thought to clean up around here?"

"Are you criticizing me?" Lois snapped back. "Francis, get away from that bike. Hal, get Francis."

"I wanna ride," six-year-old Francis yelled as Hal grabbed him. "I wanna ride. I WANNA RIDE."

"Is that a custom Harley?" Hal asked while he held on to the screaming boy.

"I don't really know," Hagrid admitted. "I borrowed it from a friend."

Harry started crying at this point, awakened by the noise coupled with the sound of a police siren.

"This is ridiculous," Minerva McGonagall muttered. "Hagrid, let the boy sit on the motorbike if it will shut him up." Francis mollified, she turned to Dumbledore and took the baby from him, trying to calm him down. "Madam, this is your nephew. His parents died recently and we have come to deliver the child to your husband as his closest acceptable relative. If you don't want him, we'll take him somewhere else, but they won't want him either."

"Hal?" Lois asked, stunned by the forceful revelation.

"Whose kid is this?" Hal asked while Hagrid was left to mind a now happy Francis.

"He is the only child of your sister, Lily Evans, by your mother's second husband," Albus answered. "Did you ever meet her?"

"Mom sent a picture years ago, before she died. Didn't Lily have a sister?"

"She wasn't interested," Minerva said as Harry continued to make noise.

Lois groaned and held her hands out. "Give me the kid or he'll never stop crying. You don't have any children. That much is obvious."

McGonagall was offended but handed Harry over. She was even more offended when Harry stopped crying almost instantly.

"That wouldn't happen if it where one of our own kids," Hal told her consolingly.

"What happened to him?" Lois asked as she noticed the scar on the baby's head.

"It was from the accident that killed his parents," Albus noted. "It was his only injury." He held out the letter. "This explains everything, but I must ask if you will take him in."

"What's the trouble this time?" the policeman asked as he walked up. He eyed the blond boy on the motorcycle. "Did your kid steal this bike?"

Dumbledore gave Lois a pleading look. She turned to Hal who was still admiring the baby.

"Oh," Lois said as though she suddenly remembered what was going on. "It's that big jerk there. I can't get him to park that bike in the street."

"Right," the officer said with annoyance, carefully eyeing the old hippie and his girlfriend. Then he turned to the giant. "Hey You, Yeah, the Larry Byrd lookalike. Move that bike to the pavement or I'll move it to the impound lot."

Hagrid grumbled and picked up the motorcycle, setting it down in the street behind the police car. Meanwhile Francis was still playing with the handlebars and going, "Vrooom, Vrooom."

"Thank you," the police officer said, then turned to Lois. "Is there anything else?"

"All the street lights are out," Hal noted.

"I'll tell the power company," the officer said as he climbed in his car and drove away.

"Thank you," Albus Dumbledore said appreciatively.

"We're not done yet, Mister," Lois said. "I need his papers."

"He don't have papers," Hagrid said angrily. "He's a boy, not a puppy. I have his nappies righ' here."

"Hagrid," Dumbledore explained, "I think the woman means legal papers. His birth certificate for example."

"Oh," Hagrid said sheepishly.

"Then you will accept him?" Albus asked Lois.

"Honey?" Hal said hopefully.

Lois looked down at the boy now sleeping in her arms and thought how beautiful he looked. "Hal, where's Francis?"

"He crawled into the police car. Don't worry. They'll bring him back."

"Why not," Lois replied. "He can't be any worse then the two we've already got."

After they closed the door on the three strangers, Hal put his arm around his wife's shoulders.

"We can even adopt him," Hal suggested. "That way he'll really be our son."

"Hal, that's a wonderful idea. And we can even give him a new name. Harry is such a stupid name. Don't you think?"

"You're just saying that because of your sister's husband."

"No, I'm not. I'd think it was a stupid name even if I never met that moron."

Hal heard the sound of the motorcycle as it started up and it reminded him of his favorite Racing Car Driver. "Honey, I know what we can call him."


The one-year-old boy was adopted with little difficulty and they named him Malcolm. With as little difficulty, he blended right in with the rest of the family, much to his parents' dismay. He had a normal childhood for the most part although there were a few unsettling incidents.

Lois was listening to Reese tease three year old Malcolm that only stupid kids had black hair. She turned around when she heard Reese yell and saw that Malcolm's hair had changed to brown, the same brown as hers. It was as though it happened by magic. She punished Reese for playing with her hair dye, and Malcolm had to take five baths before Lois would admit that the color wouldn't wash out.

When Malcolm was five, they took the boys to the zoo, and Reese somehow ended up in the monkey cage despite the fact that a padlock was on the door. Lois assumed Malcolm had tricked him into doing it and he was punished for lying to his brother. Reese was punished as well for refusing to leave the bananas behind when the zoo personnel tried to extract him from the cage. It was as though Reese had been transported inside the cage magically.

Then there was the time when Hal's company gave him insurance coverage. Hal and Lois took Malcolm to the eye doctor for his birthday to get contact lenses. As they were leaving, some boy shouted, "Hey four-eyes, what happened to your glasses?" Almost immediately, a loud thump was heard as the boy fell to the ground grunting with pain. Reese was then heard to say, "Do you want some more, butt breath?"

Hal turned to his wife. "Did you hear that, Lois? Reese stuck up for Malcolm. It must have been magic. There's no other explanation."

Because of that one incident, both parents believed that magic was real.

The truth is that magic had nothing to do with it. By telling people he was standing up for me, Reese had the perfect excuse to pound on almost anybody. But if Mom and Dad want to believe magic is real, that's fine by me.