The Journal of Argus Filch

(And his war against Mistletoe)

By: Roxeant

This one-shot was one of the funnest fanfictions I've ever had the pleasure of writing! I'd always had the idea of writing out Filch's diary. Then, I figured that Filch wouldn't keep a diary. But what about a journal with two or three sentances about the day? That seems possible. Caretakers need somewhere to organize their thoughts, right?

And so, this was born. I set it around Christmas time, because that would probably be the time of year that Filch detests the most. And I also love Mrs. Norris in fanfictions, so I added Filch's precious 'Kittykins' into the mix.

Hope you enjoy this!

By the way, JK owns Filch, all of the other Harry Potter characters and related junk and stuff. Wish I did, though. . .

Journal of Argus Filch
November 31st

Damn Gryffindors. Can never keep common room clean. Slytherin common room wasn't so bad today. Shall have to intimidate Gryffindor first years as punishment.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 1st

I hate December. It means Christmas. I hate Christmas. Dumbledore has put up mistletoe everywhere. Know where it is, can avoid it. Places under mistletoe will not be cleaned until after holidays.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 2nd

Hate Christmas more than before. Gryffindors have decided that romance is in order. Damn the lot of them.

Caught two underneath mistletoe today. Red-haired girl and that Potter boy. Gave them both detention for loitering. Ha ha.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 3rd

Worried about Mrs. Norris. My kittykins looks unhappy. Yowling all the time. Shall ask Hagrid to see if anything is wrong with her.

Was mad about Mrs. Norris. Took it out on some Hufflepuffs this time. Gryffindors did not loiter in the halls today. One girl, Bones, was kissing someone this time. Tempted to give her detention, but McGonagall wasn't far off.

Hate McGonagall. She doesn't like giving out punishments as much as she should.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 4th

Hate Potter.

Saw him in detention today. Set him to scouring one of the halls. Weasley girl was helping him. And then he helped her to organize the potions ingredients cabinet.

Snape will be pleased. Cabinet has been needing organization since Peeves trashed it two months ago.

Pair were laughing and talking.

Laughing is not allowed in detention.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 5th

Talked with Snape a bit today. Not a bad chap, Snape.

Said he had caught people under the mistletoe too. Had given all Non-Slytherins detention.

Had blatantly ignored Malfoy doing a bit more than kissing with Slytherin girl Parkinson, but had taken points from Gryffindor. Potter boy can't get enough, can he?


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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 6th

Still worried about Mrs. Norris. That cat's getting porky. Should lower food intake.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 7th

Last straw!

Saw two prefects going at it today under the damn mistletoe.

It was an innocent kiss, still yelled at them. One was that Granger girl. Am overjoyed at this, as she is hardly ever punished for anything.

Still, am not happy with Mistletoe. Am going to complain to Dumbledore tomorrow.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 8th

Hate Dumbledore.

Almost impossible to hate Dumbledore, but hate him anyway. Refuses to remove Mistletoe.

Damn him. Shall have to take matters in to my own hands.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 9th

Saw Hagrid today. Took Kittykins with me.

Hagrid picked her up and started looking at her. Said she was pregnant.

Should have kicked that Granger girl's cat those times he was slinking around my office. Shall have to kick Granger girl too. Going to kill her one of these days. Shall give her detention next time I see her under the Mistletoe.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 10th

Didn't get Granger today, but got the Weasley boy she fancies. The bloke was shouting at Malfoy. Granger was trying to keep him from pounding Malfoy into pulp. Weasley is too easy to goad on.

Gave Weasley detention.

Ignored twenty eye witnesses that said Malfoy started it.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 11th

Granger girl figured out Mrs. Norris was pregnant. Weasley boy found news disturbing. Heard them talking in hall.

Granger: Look at Mrs. Norris, Ron.

Weasley: What about her? She's still an ugly furball.

Granger: She's pregnant.

Weasley: How do you know? She's just even uglier than before!

Granger: You only call her ugly because she catches you when you're trying to break a school rule. Honestly, Ron! And I know because I love cats. I have Crookshanks now, and had a female cat when I was younger. She died when I was ten. She'd had three litters, though.

Weasley: Oh no. . . I just realized something. What if her kittens are just as bad as she is? Little fluffball nutters of Doom!

Granger: Ron! Stop it!

Walked under mistletoe then. Granger was about to go on talking if Weasley hadn't shut her up. Did not give them detention or let them know I was nearby. Was too shocked. Who knew Granger liked cats so much?

Still mad at her. Shall have to get Weasley too. And Potter, 'cause I don't like him.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 12th

Am thoroughly sick of mistletoe!

Have caught every student imaginable under it today!

Ignored Malfoy and Parkinson as favor to Snape, but caught Granger and Weasley again! Gave them both detention tomorrow. Weasley had had it the night before too. Set him to dusting North Tower. Portraits did not appreciate dusting.

Heard Weasley mutter something about kissing not being against school rules. Will check on this, and make it a school rule if it isn't already. Can punish students unfairly with power once in a while, but cannot do it too much, or will get caught.

Saw Potter and Weasley girl kissing again. Gave them detention too. Gave LOTS of detentions today. Students grumbled. Am running out of places for them to clean.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 13th

Kittens are due soon. Cats have 63 day gestation period. Mrs. Norris is part Kneezle, like Granger cat. Have shorter gestation period: 40 days.

Did not notice pregnancy for a bit. Hagrid told me they were due Christmas day. Oh the horror. Ten days. Have no names yet.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 14th


Am sick of it! Absolutely sick! Have taken the liberty of looking for 'no kissing' on the school rules list. It isn't there. Dumbledore says I can't add it.

Therefore, have decided to take drastic action. Detentions seem not to work. Have taken down all mistletoe in the tower, and have burned it. Have done this with all Christmas decorations I could get to.

Heard students whining about it. Am pleased that Christmas decorations (INCLUDING MISTLETOE) are gone.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 15th

Saw Granger, Weasley, Potter, and other Weasley plotting today. Was suspicious. However, they weren't kissing, and had no dungbombs (I checked their pockets) or any other banned items, and could not give them detention for just sitting there.

Am worried.


Am disgusted! Christmas Decorations are back up! And someone has put mistletoe on wall across from office! Makes letters. Will not be removed, only changes phrases once in a while.


'Deck the Halls'

'Happy Christmas'


'Spread Some Christmas Cheer'

And, 'Filch Is A Spoilsport.'

Idiot students can't think about anything but snogging, can they?

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 16th

Cannot stand for this! Must think of way to get students back for Mistletoe prank. . . Detentions do not seem to bother the masses.

Cannot do much, as am. . . squ- magically inept.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 17th

Have brilliant plan!

Put itching powder in Mistletoe. It'll fall down on anyone under it! Confiscated itching powder from first years two weeks ago. Never knew a banned item could come in useful.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 18th

Damn Granger. About half the school was itching before she stepped under it. Realized what had happened, stopped itching with wand. Didn't tell Slytherins the spell, though. Slytherins aren't so bad. Pity.

Going to have to find a way to get Granger in particular . . . or, at least her cat.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 19th

Ha! Tricked McGonagall into helping me get revenge on Granger! Let slip that mistletoe in common room was distracting students, and was becoming inappropriate. Not all that far from t he truth.

Casually mentioned that if someone was watching them, it wouldn't be a problem. McGonagall brought a few portraits to hang on wall in Gryffindor Common Room, to keep snogging to a bare minimum. Hopefully, will stop it altogether.

Hate Christmas, but have partially forgiven McGonagall for not punishing students and for refusing to use her authority corruptly.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 20th

Four more days. Mrs. Norris is getting big. Have to bring her milk in her kitty bed.

Granger retaliated. Not sure how she did it, but convinced portraits to go and spy on the Slytherins instead. Damn her. Heard her talking to that boyfriend of hers, the Weasley prat.

Idiot could only manage to say, 'that was bloody brilliant, 'Mione!" Couldn't think of anything intelligent.

Potter boy asked Granger why she'd done it, since she's such a goodie-two-shoes. Granger told him that, 'it was Christmas, and no one should be so cranky this time of year'.

Not sure how ruining my plans is supposed to stop me from being cranky.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 21st

Caught Granger's cat in office today. WHAT ELSE DOES HE BLOODY WANT OF ME?????!?!?!?!?!

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 22nd

Have a plan. Next time I catch Granger or her friends doing anything they shouldn't, am going to give them a detention they'll never forget. Have the perfect chore for them to do. . .

Going to have them clean that vanishing cabinet on the seventh floor. Ha! They'll be gone 'til the end of the Holidays!

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 23rd

Have been spying on Potter, Weasley (both), and Granger all day. Haven't done anything wrong. Being too innocent.

Portraits (I finally convinced them to return to the Gryffindor Common Rooms) have been spying. My rivals are acting too peaceful.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 24th, Christmas Eve

Mrs. Norris is gone! Can't find her anywhere. Panicking.

Don't know where my kittykins is.

Need some of Ogdon's Firewhiskey. . .

Going to look.


Searched every nook and cranny in school. Can't find my kittykins anywhere! Have a plan, but don't want to resort to it. . .

(Still later)

Admit it. Asked Granger where Mrs. Norris was. Said she didn't know, and looked almost as upset as I was. Little liar. Offered to help me search castle for her. Normally would have refused, but this is Mrs. Norris.

Times are desperate.

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Journal of Argus Filch
Dec 25th, Christmas Day

Finally found her. Stayed up 'til two in the morning, but found her. Precious muffin was hiding under Granger's bed the whole time. Well, I didn't find her. Granger did.

Granger rushed her to my office, and brought along her five tiny kittens. Plopped them in the kitty basket I'd made.

While looking at kittens, realized that maybe having mistletoe around wasn't quite so bad. Must have been those eyes. Evil caretakers that abuse their authority out of bitterness are not supposed to love small kittens, but don't care.

One looks just like my Kittykins! Am going to keep four of them, including little Tom that looks just like Mrs. Norris. Going to name him Mr. Norris. Naming the other three Gingersnap (what? He has ginger fur, like Granger's cat!), Holly (So? I thought it was a good name!), and Ivy (she looks like Holly. They both take after Norris as well, but have large, bushy tails.)

Holly, Ivy, Gingersnap, and Mr. Norris. My new apprentices! I shall train them to find rule-breaking students everywhere! . . . But I think I'll keep Mrs. Norris in today. After all, it is Christmas. Students should have one day in which evil caretakers do not bother them.

Gave one kitten to Granger, per special request. Knows how that Weasley boy no longer has his rat (not sure how this happened. Maybe Granger's cat ate him?), and only has that tiny owl of his. Only know about owl because stupid first year girls coo over it. Granger has decided to give him last kitten for Christmas.

Kitten takes after her own cat. Has named him Faedilus. Says that there is no possible way for Weasley to shorten that name into something as odd as 'Pig'. Gathered that Pig was Weasley's owl. Who would name an owl Pig?

Have decided I'd rather not know.