Ode to Alchemy (FMA Drabbles)

A fanfiction by Erin Lightning

DISCLAIMER: Two years later...I still do not own FullMetal Alchemist. But you fucking die if you touch my Kimbree. Because he may have died in the anime, but he is kicking some major Ishbalan butt in the manga. And he is...oh...so...sexy...drool

Chapter 34: State Headquarters: Where The Grass Is So Emo, It Cuts Itself

Some days, it just sucks to be a State Alchemist.

It was another typical morning at the Eastern Headquarters - bright sun outside the window, birds chirping pleasantly, lesser officers wandering the hall caught up in happy debates and showing off their various implements of mass destruction, all that jazz. It seemed like the perfect day. The kitchens had even ordered out this morning, so there were generous heaps of eggs and bacon and other discernible foods littering the mess hall tables as opposed to the gelatinous slop the men had grown so (unfondly) accustomed to. The general populace was joined entirely in frivolous peace and excitement.

Well, excluding some.

Roy Mustang, the commander of the particular headquarters in question, stood in his room, drumming his fingers on his table, thoughtfully. He looked like hell. Like hell that is, in the manner of mussed hair, bloodshot eye, and rumpled clothes. He stroked the eyepatch over the missing eye, frowned, then said, "Hawkeye. Close the curtains."

"Why, sir?" she asked. "It's a nice day out."

Roy pouted. "Can't see it. No eye."

"Taisa," she said, pointedly. "You still have an eye."

"Yeah, but I don't like that eye."


"Leave me alone in my unhappiness!" Roy wailed dramatically. "Just close the goddamn curtains!"

"SIR-" Hawkeye tried again.

"I hate my life. It sucks. Where's my coffee?"

"You think YOUR life sucks!" Havoc groaned, rolling toward the staff table. "I'm the one in the wheelchair!"

"Yes, but, Lieutenant, you can still see. And you don't need those parts anyway," indicating darker images.

"My legs?!" Havoc blurted innocently.

"Oh, yeah," Roy said, as if suddenly remembering, and groaned, putting his head in his hands.

Riza sighed heavily. "Sir, you can't stay like this forever."

"Like what?" Mustang asked indignantly.

"I believe the proper word for it is "emo"."

"Emo?" Roy asked. "What the fuck is that?"

Breda laughed from over at the other end of the staff table. "Well, you know those kids who stand around in the street -"

"The Ishvaruns?" Kimbree piped up.

Breda gave him a look of disgust. "No. But those kids that wear all black and stand around looking serious all the time." Roy was still staring at him blankly. Breda continued, "Come on boss, you know, with the funny hair...always cutting things...you know, emo?"

There was a long pause, and then Roy Mustang jumped to his feet, upsetting his chair and, white with shock, he blurted: "I am NOT a homunculus!"

"Hey, Major," Fury asked Armstrong as he came into the lunch room, observing the glorious day outside amidst bites of cheese-devoured omelet.

"Yes?" Armstrong asked, flexing. "How may my marvelous muscles be of assistance?"

Fury sweatdropped. "I just want to know...who mows the lawn?"


"You know, the grounds of headquarters? It's always freshly mowed. Who does that? Do we have like a lawn-cutting alchemist?"

"As a matter of fact..." Armstrong said.

"Question withdrawn." Fury concluded, and wandered off, to the jeers of the comrades in the nearby vicinity.

The End

Author's Note: Ho shit, everybody! It's been a year and a half at least. How the hell are you? Or better yet, are you even still here? Or did you give me up for dead months ago? Gomensai!! I love you very much!! So do not leave me alone or I shall turn into a homunculi like Roy. Ahem. As for OtA, I'll be updating twice a week from now until the end of the summer, at least, so I hope you enjoy. If you have any requests for things you'd like to see, please share - I love new ideas. Haha...Roy IS emo. But we love him. Thus, read the fiction, kids, eat your veggies so you won't be short like Edward...Oh, and watch the Chibi Party OVA if you get a chance - I swear Arakawa gave them all Roy's coffee. ;;