Title: Wrong Number

Author: Littlestkitten

Rating: Pg-13, for allusions to phone sex

Pairing: I suppose one could say Lucius/Remus, however, it's sorta one-sided in the fic.

Summary: Lucius wants to have phone sex, Remus doesn't. Hilarity ensues.

A/N: a random idea I had one day, told to Emily, and was forced to write. Dedicated to Emily as a Christmas present. Hope you enjoy it. Love you.

Remus collapsed tonelessly on his couch. James and Lily had been there for two hours with baby Harry, and as much as loved them he had a headache. It also didn't help that Sirius was up to his usual antics. One day he was going to kill that man, if James didn't get him first. It seemed that twenty consecutive games of toss-the-baby-and-make-him-squeal were wearing on James' nerves as well.

Startling him, and Harry who started to cry, his phone rang. Sirius had insisted on him getting one so they could communicate. It hadn't worked out as planned however, because Sirius apparently didn't know how to work one. He also didn't seem to grasp the concept of phone companies, or the idea that one needed to pay them from time to time.

His phone hadn't gone to waste as his secret, and somewhat forbidden, friend Lucius, called him constantly. Sometimes at four in the morning to talk about the ethics food coloring, no less. In fact it was probably him right now.


"Talk dirty to me baby." And apparently he had been right.

"Now's not a good time."

"Why not? Don't you love me anymore?"

"Who said I ever loved you? Besides, James and Lily are here with Harry. And so is Sirius."

"Tell Sirius to stop staring at my boy toy's ass."

"He's not, I'm sitting down. And I'm not your boy toy."

"Who said I was talking about you?"

"I will not dignify that with and answer. Why are you breathing like that? What are you doing?'

"What do you think I'm doing."

"You better not be."

"I'm close Remy, talk dirty to me."

"So the other day, Sirius and I baked brownies."

"God damn it, Remus! Now I'm going to get hard everytime I think of you, Sirius, or brownies!"

"I told you it wasn't a good time."

"I'll go now."

"'Kay, bye."

" Love you."

"Love you too, Lucifer."

Hanging up Remus turned to see three very confused gazes locked on to him.

"Who was that?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," Remus replied nonchalantly, "they had a wrong number."

A/N: So, that was more random and pointless than I remember it being. Hoped you liked it. Sorry if there were oodles of mistakes, I didn't have time to get it beta read.