The Final Fantasy Christmas Special

by Miroku-san

Part I: The Quisty Claus Gift Giving Fiasco

Quistis walks in a white room wearing a skimpy Santa Claus outfit made of red leather. She sits on a chair in the middle of the room along with her whip.

"Welcome to the Christmas Special! I'm Quisty Claus! Even though it's not Christmas yet; I'm still going to give presents to my best friends!"

Squall, Rinoa, Seifer, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine magically appear in front of Quistis.

"What the hell are Squall and Rinoa doing here!" she thought.

Miroku-san (the author!) suddenly appears behind Quistis.

Whispering to Quistis, he says, "Just follow the script! You can murder them later in this fic."

Out loud, Quistis shouts, "WOO-HOO!"

Everyone then stares at Quistis weirdly.

Quistis shouts, "What!"

Fulfilling his purpose, Miroku-san disappears in a swirl of green leaves.

Surprised, Irvine says, "What is with the leaves?"

Quistis quickly gets her composure back and says, "Today, I'm going to give you all special gifts from the bottom of my heart."

Everyone cheers in excitement.

"But first..."

Quistis has a dramatic pause.

"Somebody's been naughty!"

Quistis cracks her whip on the ground and laughs evilly. Everybody stares at her for a moment and then focuses on their gifts again. First, Selphie walks over to Quistis.

"I haven't been naughty, Quistis," she says.

"Of course, you haven't been naughty," Quistis replies. "We're best friends in some weird fan fiction author's fic."

Suddenly, Miroku-san's disembodied voice is heard.

"Hey! I heard that!"

Everyone looks around in confusion.

"Here is your present!"

Quistis hands Selphie a present with pink wrapping paper and a yellow bow.

Surprised by the present she got, Selphie says, "What is with the cheesy wrapping paper and bow?"

In a rage, Quistis yells, "Just take the damn thing!"


Selphie suddenly disappears in a cloud of smoke and Zell walks over to Quistis.

Zell, looking at the ground says, "I might have been naughty..."

"Whatever, here is your present."

Quistis throws a HUGE box at Zell, but it ends up knocking him out.

With a huge bump on his head, Zell cries, "I want my mommy! Wahhhhhh!"

Quistis is now laughing her ass off.

"HAHAHAHA! What a pansy!"

Zell disappears, still crying and Irvine walks over Quistis.

Irvine, smoking a cigarette, says, "I have been SO naughty! I want you to punish me! Pleeeeaaaaasssssse!"

Quistis, not very impressed says, "Well, you are sort of I'll give you this!"

Irvine quickly opens it and gasps in delight.

"OHMIGOSH! Thank you! A Barbie doll for my collection in my room and for the Barbie fan club! I have to call Seymour!"

Irvine gets out a cell phone with pink flowers all over it and runs off like a rabid fan girl into the distance.

Quistis quickly focuses her eyes on Seifer.

"Now it's time for me to give presents to Seifer!"

Seifer, who is now excited exclaims, "You got me presents!"

"Of course I have, silly!" Quistis replies.

A huge truck comes out of nowhere and piles a million presents on Seifer.

Seifer, now buried in a sea of presents, says, "Thanks Quisty!"

Winking, Quistis says, "All for you babe!"

Seifer and the sea of presents disappear and Rinoa walks up to Quistis.

Quistis suddenly looks pissed off and annoyed.

Rinoa, with her eyes full of hope, says, "Did you get me any presents?"

Quistis replies by saying, "Of course I have! Close your eyes for your 'SPECIAL' present."

Excited, Rinoa says, "OH GOODY!"

Rinoa quickly covers her eyes in anticipation. Quistis, with an evil grin on her face, puts a small detonator in Rinoa's bra.

Rinoa, surprised, says, "What was that?"

Quistis is now laughing nervously and notices that Squall isn't even watching. He is too busy playing marbles with himself. She then takes out a switch with BIG red button from her pocket and pushes it. Rinoa blows up into a pile of blood and guts.


Squall, noticing the pile of blood and guts, says, "What happened to Rinoa?"

Quistis quickly answers, "Umm...Rinoa did a magic trick and...turned...into a pile of blood and guts. Yeah, that's it!"

"Oh, I see. Rinoa sure is clever."

Quistis sighs at Squall's utter stupidity.

"What a moron," she mumbles. "Now, it's time for Squall's present..."

Squall jumps and starts doing cartwheels.


He then walks up to Quistis like a little girl, twiddling his thumbs.

"GIMME! I want my present! NOW NOW NOW!"

Quistis starts getting pissed and says, " is your present!"

Quistis takes out her whip and lashes Squall's ass. A loud crack echoes everywhere.

"OUCHY! That hurt! I'm telling my mommy!"

Squall begins rubbing his ass and sucking his thumb.

Quistis, with an evil laugh exclaims, "Your mama's DEAD! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Squall runs away, crying like a baby while Quistis is still laughing evilly. After Quistis is done laughing, she notices that Squall is gone.

"Whoops! I forgot to murder Squall."

She takes out a pitchfork and pursues after Squall.

"COME 'ERE SQUALLY! I got a present for you!"

Squall then screams in terror when he sees Quistis with the pitchfork.

"MOMMY! I'm scared!"

Squall's screams are heard in the background as well as other gruesome sounds and then it is silent. Quistis returns with the pitchfork stained in blood.

"YES! I killed them both! Let's party!"

Miroku-san, along with Seifer, Selphie, Irvine, and Zell suddenly appear and starts partying with Quistis. A disco ball is suddenly there as well.

Miroku-san says, "That sure was fun! Have a Merry Christmas and wait for part 2 of this fic!"

Everyone is now dancing under the disco lights and they're not even noticing Squall and Rinoa's dismembered bodies.