TITLE: Doomed
AUTHOR: queen
EMAIL: queenopy(at)yahoo.fr
CATEGORY: Humor/Angst
SPOILERS: Nothing except events on 100 Days.
SEASON / SEQUEL: (season 3) A Hundred Days
CONTENT WARNINGS: Maybe a bit of light swearing.
SUMMARY: Sam's inner reactions following the events of 100 days.
For the ones who don't have a clue what happened in this episode:
Colonel is stuck on the planet Eudora after asteroids apparently destroy the Stargate. Carter on Earth tried to find a way to get him back. After 100 days, she succeeds but O'Neill might have lost faith in ever being rescued...
The fiction doesn't come back precisely on the episode.
STATUS: Standalone but WIP
ARCHIVE: SJD, Abydos Gate, SJNC17 archive, yes
DISLCAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and the places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
BETA: Miran Anders
AUTHOR'S NOTES: First time writing S/J fic, first time writing Stargate fic, first time writing in english... So be indulgent .

This was it, the moment when it all began...

The moment when I realized I was doomed, completely lost... Oh, I was already doomed way before that, but hey, I was so... just so... so unconscious... so out of the real world...
Had I ever lived in the real world before? I mean with my upbringing, the parents that I have or haven't had, the Air Force, the Stargate program... the many worlds I encountered... many aliens wanting to kill me...
What did I know about real life? I'll answer: Nothing, zip... zero!

Okay, I knew lot of stuff about astrophysics, biology, space transports. I could have built any kind of device or machine, could program any computers...
Oh, that I knew... I was good at that, great... Even I can't deny I was the best, one in a generation, maybe many generations... an incontrovertible genius freak.

But what did I know about real life? I'll keep answering you, even shouting at you: Nada, nothing, a big black hole....

I haven't ever lived something like that...
It was unbelievable how pressured I was. As if the weight of the world was on my shoulders, on my chest... making it impossible to walk, to breath, to work... And damn how much I hated this...

As a soldier, I knew that missions could go bad. As a scientist, I knew everything was unpredictable... infinite variables. As an individual, I knew I could lose somebody dear to me at any time.
And everything I feared, had ever dreaded before, happened - just like that.
I was in a nightmare... I was in my own hell.
Every second that passed was worse than the previous, and seconds ran into minutes, hours, days...

Each day was so hard... and I was a mess but I was still working... moving to keep these feelings from freezing me completely... When I stopped moving, working, it felt like I was a prisoner of my own body, everything spinning around... I couldn't rest... And here I was doing all I could do...

When days turned to weeks, then months, I was close to insanity... But I kept walking on this rope of salvation, gripping tight to the only thought that kept me going I can do it, I can find him, I can save him and me at the same time.

And the time came... we were there to recover him.

I was a wreck at the time but so relieved - no more pressure, no more impeding weight anymore, I felt I could have flown away... And him, he was alive and fine. Wasn't the world a beautiful place?

I greeted him, and he did likewise. I started to explain how I found the way to get to him... but I was in great mood and stopped myself, sparing him for this time... he was already dismissing me anyway, but it was still great to see him. The little hurt that always followed one of his "technobabble" rejections was already fading... It wasn't as if I didn't have other aches. I mean, I was one big uncomfortable ache there in the mud... but seeing him there, he was like warm beautiful light... I was smiling.

When they say the higher you are, the harder you fall... They're so... but so right....

Because then I realized... him... her... him and her... and I was doomed, but so doomed...
All the life left my body - there wasn't much of it left anyway. I haven't had a decent meal or rest in, well, a hundred days…
All of my little world was shadowed, everything was bitter grey... And I really hate that colour, you know.

We got home. In fact, I was first down the ramp. Seeing the General behind the glass, I answered him with a smile, and fearing my smile wasn't as bright as expected, I gave him the 'thumbs-up' before coming face to face with him.

"Major! How is the Colonel?" he asked.
"He's fine," I said. "He's saying his goodbyes before leaving the planet."
The General seemed satisfied with the report.
"I'm tired, Sir," I said then, knowing that it wasn't a lame excuse, it was totally true.
"To be expected. We won't have the debriefing till tomorrow morning. You can take your leave from now."
I sighed with relief. I was about to leave when suddenly, I turned to General Hammond. "Permission to ask a favour, Sir."
The General smiled at me.
"I haven't take days off for... hum..."
"You haven't ever taken days off, on your own that is."
"Yes sir, you're right. But I meant that..."
"I know what you meant... After debriefing tomorrow you have two weeks vacation, that's an order!" He smiled gently.
I sighed again, relieved once more. "I only wanted one."
"If you weren't so indispensable, I'd give you a couple months..."
"Thanks, General", I said, trying to put my sincerity across despite my exhaustion. The man didn't know how much a saviour he was to me right now.
Because, yeah, I was a wreck! My lack of sleep was obviously beginning to blast me down... but more than that, I was a mess. I needed time, distance, time, distance... and time and a lot, lot of distance between HIM and me.

In two seconds or so it seemed, I was driving my Volvo...
It is a bad, bad thing when you don't notice you're driving, you know... because you might have an accident, a stupid and ordinary car accident...
When you were successful at escaping death from big bad alien guys every day or so, dying from a car accident that was your own stupid fault would be a shame... an indescribable shame...
And I would have really hated being embarrassed for dying in a car accident... or not, since I would have been dead anyway...
Note to myself, my brain is defective... need to apply for another.
I was feeling out of focus suddenly... My rational mind, that wasn't that defective, realized I was in distress. Thankfully, I wasn't driving anymore. No, I was searching for my keys in my bag, and then trying to put the damned key in the lock... Wrong key... I was desperate... I got in finally. I threw my bag, keys and everything on the floor... undressed and dropped my clothes in a trail to a hot shower... not focusing yet. I got out, clean if not coherent... I grabbed underwear and pyjamas, put them on, and fell into bed. Still not focusing. Closing my eyes, I sobbed. How pitiful of me! Just a minute later, I dozed off... I was really, really tired.

Morning at the base.
I was feeling like a thief, but I wouldn't steal anything... just my entire presence... And really, no one owned my presence but me... so no reason to feel like that.
I was trying to keep from everybody, including him, that fact that I was avoiding him. Meaning the avoiding was all in my head. I did my report in the debriefing room, trying not to avoid his eyes too much... I smiled a lot when someone was watching... they expected me to do that... it was not the first time, I realized. Damn, what an unconscious fool I was!
Okay, smiling today was definitely expected... after all, I did save him... from a happy peaceful life with a beautiful woman in a near paradise. So dangerous, a death or life situation, so threatening... Did I sound bitter? Shit! Calm down, tomboy! No, I didn't try to put myself down... Oh yeah I did... Just ignore that!.

So I was standing there... and then he smiled at me, you know the "Jack O'Neill" copyrighted smile... and I was like Oh hell, why can 'taking my weapon and shooting his head off' be bad? How can it be bad?

I didn't do it.
I mean if I did, people would have noticed... They would have known that I had a problem. And God knows that I hate having problems on my own... And argggh how I hated grey, and the walls were so grey all around... Hell, there were too many grey things in that room. I had to get out. But no, I was stuck... there... having to listen to HIS debriefing... I lived in hell, a greyish hell that is!

I was in a kind of trance, boiling... with a smile pasted on my face. God, I was desperate. I wasn't feeling like a thief anymore, it was good news if you don't consider that I was feeling like a trapped animal... Think about humm naquadah... about equations... about electric devices... My God, make all this end, the world, my life... The end was near... Colonel O'Neill as usual did a short short report... Thank God!

The General dismissed everyone and there was it, the ultimate confrontation... I had to tell him I was taking two weeks vacation. I already told Daniel when I arrived during breakfast and I met Teal'c in the elevator. I was sure the colonel already knew it from his CO, but he was mine... he was my CO!
I was still feeling out of focus. I decided I really, but really hate being out of focus.

I waited for him near the door, planning to tell him and then run fast, or something like that. He approached me finally, saying nothing.
God, I had to break the mood. I was watching the ground, the grey ground! It was time!
Go kid!
"Hey, Sir." I glanced at his face and he was staring at me... I froze. Don't ask me what happened, my mind just shut down suddenly. Silence.
"Major? Hoohoo!" he waved his hand at my face.
My mind rushed back. What stupid, stupid girl! I shook myself out of it. Everything was okay, I was breathing again... "Huh, sorry, Sir! I 'm having problems focusing," I began, at last in control of my senses. "As you may know, I'm taking two weeks off... I'm... I'm... I'm sorry!" Okay, I'm losing control again.
He startled. "Sorry?".
"Hum, yes, you'll be stuck here... I mean SG-1 won't be on active duty for the time being," I explained. Was I making a fool of myself? For how long had I been fooling myself like this?
He smiled - even giggled? ... or that was a repressed laugh?
"Planning to go somewhere?"
Far, far, far far from you. The words popped out of nowhere... hopefully only in my mind.
I wasn't prepared to small talk with him... not prepared at all... Damn me!!! Why did I want to be so perfect? It wouldn't have been so bad to just avoid him, but nooo, I wanted to play Miss Perfect. I hated myself! And you know the worse. I'm bad at lying... "I haven't exactly planned yet, Sir. I just want time away from paperwork and a change of scenery." I was satisfied with my answer, really, even congratulating myself on my choice of words until he opened his mouth and I nearly choked to death, mentally choked because nothing was obstructing my throat at the time.
"You might like fishing. I have a cabin with a little lake..."
Obviously, I had a perfect grip of myself because he didn't seem to notice that I was choking to death.
"... in Minnesota, the place is beautiful."
Finally, I flinched from the choking. Run my girl, the door is just there!! I swallowed and smiled, hoping I wasn't making a face. "Huh, I'll be on the road, biking... And I'd like to see my family."
His face was unreadable as usual. It reminds me of the expression "An eternal sunshine in a spotless mind".
"I'm sure you'll have fun with Daniel and Teal'c," I added. I was such a fool to be hurt by my own words... I was so doomed.
"Yeah, you too," he smiled at me.
It was my opportunity to fly and I didn't hesitate to grab it.
"I'm going now. Good bye, Colonel."
I was walking calmly away or so I hoped when I heard his voice. I glanced back.
"Carter! Rest, will you?" The concern in his expression nearly did me in.
"I will Sir. Thanks, Sir."
And that was it, I walked away... but I wasn't feeling better. Did I mention I was doomed? Sigh.

On the road.
Biking was great.
People often like driving... It's a peaceful moment, when you're not where you've been, but not yet where you're going to. It's a moment between... where you're in control, sensing your vehicle, feeling the movement.
Biking is just that to the tenth power.
But it was a week and I wasn't settled yet. Remember to thank the General for the TWO weeks vacation.
Of course, I came to the horrible conclusion that I indeed have a thing for my CO. I definitively have a bad, bad lunatic fringe. It's scary. Sigh.
It wasn't what I did to recover him. I mean, I would have done the same for any member of my team... for anyone in SGC. I wondered a lot about what my feelings were back in my lab - working, getting frustrated, exhausting myself. But I'd always done that, hadn't I? Doing research, getting exhausted. I'm dedicated, committed to my work... It's what I am. What had been different? Was it the depth of my exhaustion? Who am I trying to delude?
I knew all the time I was completely misleading myself, a huge but simple case of self-denial. And oh, I didn't do it the straight way, like a normal person would. No, mine was a twisted, wicked way. I kept flooding my brain with useless questions and theories, trying to lure the brainy brainy part of my mind. And during the week I had pretty much succeeded - but time was running out. Shut up! Think about something else! Keep the self-delusion!
So for now, I'm just enjoying the trip, just feeling the road passing by.
I was actually on the way to visit my brother's little family. It's not as if we're really close and no, in the Carter family, family isn't a vocation. In the past, we... Humm You know one thing I hate doing... remembering my childhood.
Damnit! All because of him. You know, another thing I hate. Lying. Particularly lying to my CO. Sigh.
I didn't need to have a reason to visit my brother, did I?
Okay, Mark would want to know and I would exactly answer just exactly that.
You know it... You have to deal with that! Just be honest! Get over it!
Deluding myself well, I kept on enjoying the ride.

That was it. Two more days to go and I would be back at the base, back working with him.
I better kick my ass big time to settle things.
I was close to home. Repressing a big urge to get away... far away, I stopped at a motel.
I needed to focus on my problem.
I was lying down on the bed there, thinking. I only ended up struggling with all my thoughts and feelings. I wasn't getting anywhere and I was hungry. I got up, ate at the diner and got back to my room, determined to get it done.
I lied on the bed... again, and I started all over... again.

Do as if it was a scientific study!Do you have a thing for your CO? Yes. Notice here, I used 'have a thing', not like or love or have a crush, lust over... What a precise little geek, I am! Sigh. Truth is I'm not prepared for any of these termsAre you sure? How? Yes. Stupid smiles, giggles, worship... Did I say worship? Shit! I'm doomed!
Don't stop now, keep thinking! And of course, I knew it because of the hurt, the hurt to find him with another woman. But it was also right that I did felt betrayed, because while I was doing everything to get him back, worrying my skin off, he was enjoying his time with her. Maybe the hurt came from that. I'm making sense there.Why did you feel the need to run away from him? Tricky question! I wanted to settle my mind... humm ultimately, yes. But I mostly ran from my intense emotions at the moment. Damn! Add intense emotions to the previous question! Keep on! I was angry and hurt. And in the end, I also ran because I didn't want him to know and bother him with it... and embarrass myself! I do hate being shameful. Did you overreact? My feeling of panic was, in fact, totally expected. Dedicated, committed to work, am I not? I live by the regulations. And I just didn't know how to deal with these feelings. And I obviously didn't want to disturb the team.And now the last and more important question, where do you go from here? I did overreact. And I do have a thing for my CO, but just a thing, and nothing's going to happen. On my part or his. Nothing!I'm feeling relieved. I'm confident that everything's going to be alright.
I can live with this. I can do that.


Otherwise, I am doomed... so very doomed!

Copyright (c) 2004 queenopy(at)yahoo.fr