Disclaimer: I don't own ER, it's the property of its creators as well as the characters in it.

*I think it's time for me to write some Abby Angst.

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Sometimes I think I torture myself on purpose, like I don't know how to live without some sort of agony in my life. Maybe I don't let myself be happy.

No. I can't be just me. My life is surrounded by miserable souls. It was bound to rub off on me. But then one could argue that I surround myself with miserable souls on purpose. I probably do.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother living.

When I look over and see Luka in my bed, it reminds me what a depressing relationship we have. I still can't bring myself to leave. I don't get the love I so desperately need, but I don't worry about me. He needs so much love right now, so all I worry about is giving it to him. I think that maybe if I love him enough he'll eventually love me back. I pray for that. Well, "pray" is the wrong word to use. I haven't prayed in a long time. Let's just say, "hope." I want to make him happy. I want him to love me.

I lie to myself too.

At night I can hear a voice in my head say, "Abby, you don't care about yourself. If you really cared, you'd leave him and find someone who might actually care about you. Luka doesn't care about you."

I can always make that voice shut up. It hurts too much to think that. It hurts to think that I'm in love with this guy, and he could give a shit about me. He never asks about my day, or if I want to go to dinner, or if I'm doing okay about my missing mother, or if I'm falling apart. Oh shit! It kills! It hurts deep down in my stomach and that's why I won't listen.

Sometimes the voice tells me other things, but it always pertains to leaving Luka. "You know, Abby, Carter's a great guy. He's smart and funny and happy and he seems to care about you way more than that other guy. Carter would be good for you. Carter actually cares about you." I don't need to listen to that. I already know that. And no matter how many times I try to make myself go for it, my heart won't let me. The other voice; "Carter's a good friend, but so what? Luka's a gorgeous, foreign, tortured, fascinating, exciting man, and you already have him in your bed. What more could you want? He must like you some to keep coming back."

I know that's a load of crap too. Men like sex. Bottom line.

But I made him smile once, and I think I can do it again. So I don't give up.

I only think I love him. I think I love the challenge more. Maybe it's just that built in urge I have to save everyone. It's up to me to save him. If I can make him happy, then I've saved him from his own misery. But who's going to save me, Abby the Hero? No one of course. I don't ever let anyone know how bad it is. No one knows how close I get everyday to taking a long hard drink. No one knows that I'm dying inside, and that's the way it's got to be. How can I save someone else if they know I'm a wreck inside? Maybe one day I'll find the self-respect I need to make my life better. I just don't care about myself right now. I honestly don't care what happens to me.

That's why I like my job. As long as I'm there at the ER I won't have time to worry about me. I can worry about other people all day and all the thoughts and feelings of myself fade away and die. I can loose myself, and it's great. I hate myself. I don't want to keep her around.

Even when I do think, I can't figure out why I make myself miserable. If I wanted sympathy, then you'd think I'd at least let people know how bad off I was. If I wanted to die I would have by now. Maybe I get off on the depression. No. I hate it, I really do. I think it's just all I've known, and maybe deep down inside I'm afraid to feel anything new. That's probably why my marriage didn't work out. I never wanted to be happy.

So maybe that's why I wanted Luka. Misery loves company, and Luka's great company at night. I still wish he cared though. I think the best thing for me would be to give up and just see what he does. Hopefully he's just good at hiding things, like I am.

But who am I kidding? Nothing's ever worked out for me. I don't even get my hopes up anymore. All it does is set me up for a big let down. I'm sick of being let down. I really need to let myself give up.

Alright. I'm really tire of being awake when it's 3 in the morning, so I get up and take some pain killer with a sleep aid built in. Those usually work. I'm so tired. I pray they kick in soon. Sorry. "Hope."