Title: Alone

Author: Witchytara25

Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to Klausky, Nickelodeon, Viacom, and whoever else claims them. I just take them out, play with them and make them do things that are so not G rated. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.

A/N: I know I should be working on my third chapter of my Lil/Kim story, but honestly, I'm stuck on where to go with that. So, I thought that I would try my hand at something different. (Well, different for me, anyways). So, once again, like all my stories, this is SLASH and if you do not like this kind of writing, hit the back button now. Flames for my choice of writing will be used to keep me warm at night, seeing that I have no heat. The song is "I Stand Alone," and is by Godsmack.

Dedication: To the one person who's always been there for me and showed me where home really is, I love you.

I've been told that no matter what, your real friends are always there for you. To me, that's a crock of shit, for when everything comes down to the end, you have no one to depend on but yourself. I learned this lesson the hard way.

I've told you this once before you can't control me
If you try to take me down
Your going to break
I feel your hatred
And think that you'll do it for me
I'm thinkin that
Your the measure of the way

Why is it people think that they can control me, that they can control everything you do, every move you make? Who are people to assume that you want to be controlled?

All this started in the summer of my 10th grade year, when my so-called friends left me for bigger and better things and better people. I guess that you learn the hard way that people you thought you could trust and you thought that were your friends never really were.

I feel the disdain, the way they look down at me whenever they decided to look in my direction. So I harden myself, turned to drugs and I felt the disapproval from everyone, including my own brother. I'm sorry I could never measure up to their preconceived notion of perfection, of what the perfect person should be. Sometimes it's easier to be alone than surround yourself with people who could care less.

I stand alone
Inside, I stand alone

Sometimes it's better when you're alone. That way when things get rough and fucked up, you can always have yourself to blame. Why doesn't anyone see how much it hurts to be on the outside looking in? Why doesn't anyone realize how much it hurts to see your former friends laughing and joking around, being fake, being the people they said they would never be? Why can't they be true to themselves instead of being fake?

Your always hidin behind your so called goddess
So what, you don't think
That he can see your face
Resurrected back
Before the final falling
I'll never rest until
I can make my own way
I'm not afraid of fading

I know how they look down on me, what they view me as, which is a loner, a gothic chick, a stoner, a freak. Labels hurt, but I've never been one to conform to what other people say. They always hide behind everyone else, behind what they perceive as perfection. I can't do that, because to do that, I wouldn't be true to myself. Maybe that's why this experience is so painful for me, because of the fact to find myself and to stay true to myself, I had to be alone. However, I will never rest, never break, until I find my own way. They can say what they want to me, they can do what they want, but I will never fall victim to the games that they play with other people. But I'll be damned if I will fade away because they choose not to be my friends anymore.

I stand alone
You let your
Sting down inside me
I'm not dying for any
I stand alone
That I believe is fading
I stand alone
I stand alone

I watch them in their groups, laughing and joking the time away. Yet, I stand alone, so alone against this wall here. My parents, they tell me I need to be freer, that I just need to change this and that and I could have everything that my friends have. Well, fuck that, I don't want what they have. I like what I have. I may not have friends, but I have something more important, I have my self worth, I have my independence, and I know who I am and what I am. I'm not going to lose and have who I truly am fade away because people refuse to understand who I am.

And now it's my time
And now it's my time
It's my time to dream
It's my time to dream
Dream of the skies
Dream of the skies

Fast forward to graduation night, when the whispers of those around me were filled with excitement and with the wonders of graduating. I was just dreaming of getting the hell away from this town, from all these fake people. Plastering on a smile as my old 'friends' came up to me and spoke to me for the first time in four years.
"Kimi, its hard to believe we're graduating isn't it?"
Nodding slightly, I glance over Lil's head, wishing that she would go away. Looking at her standing they're, trying to be perfect, trying to be something that she isn't, totally made my stomach turn.
"What college are you going to?"
"New York Fine Arts Academy. It's got one of the best……"
"Good for you," she interrupts me, glancing around for someone. "You look well, Kimi. I hope that everything in your life turns out well for you and that we'll always be friends."
I wanted to laugh in her face on that one. Friends? We haven't been friends since our freshman year in high school. How pathetic and fake can one person be?

No more fake people for me, no more putting my dreams on hold for other people. Now it's my turn to dream, it's my time to reach for the skies. Fuck everyone else, they don't know me, nor will they ever. They aren't my friends, they never would be my friends. They've lived out their dreams and now it's time for me to live out mine.

Make me believe
That this place isn't paid
By the poison in me
Help me decide
If my fire will burn out
Before you can breathe
Breathe into me

The college years were so much better than the high school years. I had friends, I had a boyfriend (and some girlfriends also). I was loved, I was able to live out all my dreams and take my world by storm.
Then one night in my senior year, everything came crashing down when Lil showed up on my doorstep. It was 4am and we were in the middle of the worst heat wave New York City had ever seen. I was drenched with sweat and grumbling when I answered the door. "This better be important or I'm going to kill someone."
"Kimi? It's me Lil. Can you open the door please?"
Lil? The one person I never thought that I would hear from again. Opening the door, I looked at the pathetic person standing in front of me. "What do you want? How did you find me?"
"Easily. I remembered where you told me you were going to school and I really needed a friend right at the moment."
I almost laughed at that comment. Friends? How dare she just show up here and think that four years of her not being there when I needed someone could just be thrown away by one simple statement?
"As much as I would love to stay here and have this conversation, I need to get back to bed. I have a final tomorrow and I need my sleep."
Her face crumpled, and I almost, almost, regretted the words I spoke. "But…."
"You thought that I would forget what you and the rest of the gang did to me in high school? No, not by a long shot I haven't. What you did still hurts, still burns inside me, and nothing can ever take that away. You left me for an elusive thing called popularity. Now that you don't have that anymore, come back to good 'ol Kimi? Not a chance in hell. Go find your popular friends and leave me the hell alone." With that, I slammed the door in her face, sliding down against it and giving into four years worth of tears, worth of pain and heartache.

I stand alone
I stand alone
You let your sting down inside me
I'm not dying for anyone
I stand alone

Standing alone before her grave, I finally give into the tears that have been waiting to get out all day. Shortly after that day, I heard that she had gotten pregnant and lost the baby, and with losing the baby, she lost her life also. I never meant to be so cold, so cruel to her, it's just the hurt of what they did to me in high school still lingered at that time. Now I realize how cruel I was, how I was just as much of a bitch as they were, as cold and distant. Now it's too late to make amends with Lil, but I can start with the rest of the group, try to bridge the gap that has widened between us. However, what if they do not recieve me? What if they haven't changed? No matter what happens, I'll always have myself and be able to stand alone.

I stand alone