DISCLAIMER: For those interested in reading the Madwands' version of events happening in the SnS stories, look for the author name of Prince-Consort Tesser. It is my husband's profile. All trolling will be sacrificed to the Great Cthulhu (or at least to L'il Cuthy the Plushie who lives over the monitor on the desk hutch).
If you don't like it, don't read it.
Snips and Spirals Fanfic:
Text by Lady Tesser
The gigantic black owl announced its presence with the backlash of wind from its twenty-foot wing-span.
The fact everyone's breakfasts were interrupted made it not-too-welcomed at Slytherin table.
The Owl ambled up to the shocked students and raised a thick, horny leg toward Britomartis Vox where a parchment had been tied to it.
"Sure this is for me?" she asked.
"HOO," the owl answered in a basso-profundo affirmative.
She glanced up at Sev through her sunglasses, then bent down to untie the note from its leg. Everyone watched the procedure with interest.
"Do you want any payment?" she asked.
The huge black owl - taller than her while she sat - cocked its head, then craned forward and devoured hers, Sev's, and Fallon's breakfasts. After it was finished, it spread its wings in the aisle then took off in the air again, departing through the skylights, leaving behind it a mass of disordered hair and splattered food from the backdraft of its wings.
"What the hells was that?" Severus Snape asked. "And what did it give you?"
"It was a giant owl," she answered as she unrolled the parchment. "With notes in what might be your handwriting." She read;
'My beloved Martis,
It's become more difficult these nights to fall asleep
without imagining you with me, next to me, your warm
breath and skin against mine, your long hair all over
the place, your eyes still slit in ecstasy, breathing and
moaning as I - '
She read the rest of the letter with mild interest while she locked her thighs together and was glad the sunglasses covered up her very wide eyes. When she reached the signature ('Always, eternally, Severus'), she rolled the letter back up and handed it to Sev.
"That's very thoughtful of you, Snips," she said. "But I doubt you're ready for such advanced training."
Sev's brows knotted in puzzlement as he accepted the scroll and read it. He blushed up to his hairline and did not look up until he had finished reading and rolled it back up again. "You do know I did not write this."
"Of course I know. Your handwriting isn't that spidery." She reached for an apple from the fruitbowl and tossed it from one hand to the other. "I think the twins are trying to get us together again."
Sev nodded. "They could at least be more subtle about it. I would not refer to ... " He blushed again, then muttered, "Well, as ... you know."
"Of course not, you're too proper. And 'hoppi-hoppa' is distinctly a Vox Girl Term for 'love making'. Only my sisters and I have ever used that word. Definitely them."
The black owl descended from the skylight again, this time landing next to them and offering its leg to Sev to untie another scroll.
"Oh, go ahead, Snips, this is probably the love note from me to you."
"I'm really getting sick of your sisters doing this. The dragon during the weekend was enough." He looked up at the owl. "You ate our food, now what payment do you want?"
It snatched the apple out of Martis' hand with its large curved beak and crushed the apple before swallowing it. It settled near them and watched the two students.
"Come on, come on," Martis giggled. "What does it say?"
Sev finished reading the note, then handed the parchment to her. "They have you casting blank-verse poetry at me."
"Fighting dirty, eh?" She accepted the parchment and read:
'My Dark Prince
My winged Knight
The man who comes to me
in the night
My darling love
my only one
The man I'll sleep with
when day is done
Let passion rise
Let passion fly
With my prince
I shall lie
I am yours
and you are mine
Lovers til the end of time
Always yours, forever, Martis'
"Snips, that is truly and utterly horrifying, and they put my name on it!"
"Shall we string them up in the Owlery with their monster owl?"
Martis giggled, pocketing the letter from 'him'. "I have an idea. Fallon, do you have your notebook and quill with you?"
"Always," the First-Year answered, handing the items over to Martis. The Third-Year quickly scratched out a note, pausing only once to look up at the enchanted ceiling, then finished with a flourish. She ripped the paper out of the notebook.
"Here's my response," she said, handing it to Sev.
Sev read the note:
'My darling Snips,
Thank you for the invitation and preview of events,
but I must decline, as I am running away with
Headmaster Dumbledore and having his love-child.
Sev giggled. "You got that from Mori, didn't you?"
"She inspired the fictional incident, yes."
Sev took the notebook and quill from her. "My turn." He scratched out another note quickly, then tore it out and showed it to her.
'My beloved Spirals,
Blank-verse poetry turns my stomach. You have
forced me to take up a torrid affair with James
Potter, who is begging to have my love-child over
Sirius Black's vocal objections. Better luck with
Martis broke into giggling fits. "That'll learn them to mess with us in such a puerile fashion!" She turned to the large owl. "Here, take these back to whomever strapped those notes to you." She tied the new lovenotes to the owl's thick leg, then ducked as the wings spread out and the owl took off into the air.
"We'll know who it is by the screaming," Sev stated.
"It's the twins, no doubt about it."
The bell rang for classes and students got up.
"Well, I'll see you for lunch," Martis said, hugging him around the waist. "Don't let Kettleburn catch you."
"The Maraudiots are too busy doing stupid things to get his attention - I'm safe."
They parted ways in the hall and dashed to their classes. Martis pulled the letter out of her robe pocket and read it again as she walked. A silly grin crossed her face and she murmured, "Well, I can 'imagine' this was from him ... "
Sev entered his Care of Magical Creatures class deep in thought.
He knew the twins were not behind the forged notes. And he was now quite certain they were not behind the kidnapping and the dragon two days ago. These tactics were not them. They were covering up -
No, they were being used. Somebody - call them X - had used them (Memory Charms, most likely) to throw him and Martis off-track of the real conspirators.
He was back to square one again, and he could not tell Martis. If she thought somebody else was trying to do this, she would fall apart; best to let her think the twins are pulling silly games.
But he had to find out who X was, before his guard slipped and he did pull her to the ground while whomever it was got their way.
He had two opponents here - the Mysterious X, and himself. And both opponents wanted the same thing.
Fortunately, Severus Snape did not know how to fight to lose.
The Marauders were walking funny towards the Great Hall when they saw Martis and Sev approaching from the other direction.
"How did you do it?" Sirius Black gasped in a high pitched voice.
"Beg pardon?" both asked.
"Wedgied all of us!" James Potter added.
Martis lowered her sunglasses and gazed at them. "Wedgy-ing is quite below us."
Peter Pettigrew - whose underwear band was pulled right over his forehead - stated in a painfully squeaky voice, "It had to be you two! Who else could get us like this?!"
Martis counted off on her fingers. "Two-year-old girl-babies, drunken puffskeins, blind confunded doxies, ninety percent of all Village Idiots, that moron in Charms who accidentally changed herself into a boy -"
Remus Lupin finally doubled over and whimpered. Black tried to grab for Martis, but Sev placed himself between them.
Black snarled, "I'm going to kill you both when I'm done fishing cotton out of my - !"
Sev raised his wand in Black's face. "She and I were nowhere near there, Sillyass Prat."
"Liar!" Potter cried. "You even cast a spell called the 'Ninja Centaur Wedgie of Doom'!"
Martis pulled her sunglasses off to make sure they saw her roll her eyes. "Proof enough, Gryffettes - would either of us REALLY create a spell with that incantation?"
The Marauders groaned in pain, falling to the stone floor in front of the Great Hall. Martis and Sev carefully stepped over them (Pettigrew commenting he was in too much pain to ogle up Martis' skirt, which got him a kick in the head from Sev) and entered the Great Hall.
The twins ran up to them; Adonia asked, "Did you like the notes?"
Martis swatted them with her sunglasses. "I would appreciate it if you would not write blank-verse poetry in my name!"
"It rhymed, a little," Artemisia remarked.
"Which one of you wrote the love letter?" Sev asked disdainly.
"We both did," Adonia answered. "Although, admittedly, we based it on something Fred Holden had sent to Arti."
Sev snorted, "I don't know what half of those things meant, anyway, so that was one thing you did wrong." He smirked, "Did you like the responses?"
The twins looked at each other, then shrugged. "Uh, yeah, funny," Artemisia remarked.
Sev was now positive the twins were being used. They were surprised to hear that there were responses.
"All right, Snape," Adonia said. "But you're really missing out by not finding out with Baby Sister - "
"Will you two cut it out?" Martis demanded. "When I do hoppi-hoppa stuff with Snips, I'll do it on my own without you two!"
Perhaps the wrong thing to say, as Professors Penderdandis and McGonagall walked by them. Penderdandis pretended to ignore what he heard while McGonagall turned completely white and could not speak.
Sev silently pulled Martis to Slytherin tables with him and began to worry. He silently worried so much, he did not notice Durmstrang Champion Igor Karkaroff slipping in on the other side of the table.
Martis immediately noticed because Igor reached for her hand while she drank. "Miss Vox, may I compliment you on your Quidditch playing this weekend and that I shall give you the honor of being my companion - "
She sputtered pumpkin juice all over him, making Sev pay attention. "I beg your pardon, Mr. Karkaroff, WHAT line of bullshit were you about to spin at me?"
Sev's wand fell into his hand below the table.
Igor dabbed at the pumpkin juice on his face with dignity. "I had assumed the direct method of gaining your attention was the best way, but it seems I was mistaken."
"At least this one didn't grab your chest," Sev muttered.
"Yes, poor Rudy, but Sneerius Prat set up that one." She narrowed her eyes at Igor. "Forget it, Karkaroff, get lost."
"Can't blame a fellow for trying," he admitted, getting up and going to another part of the table.
"Yes I can," Sev said coldly. "It's very easy." (Great,) he thought. (Now I have to teach this piece of flobberworm excrement a lesson. Oh, well, good excuse as any to blast him.)