Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 1: Shake My Little Tush on the Catwalk
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but I do like to screw around with the characters! Also, anything mentioned in this story, such as Inu-Yasha characters and "Bring it On" quotes, ignore! I don't own those either!
I really am tired of writing serious stuff for a while... It's really fun, but just for a little while, I need to write something completely ridiculous. If I don't get reviews or support for this (which I probably won't), oh well. This story is just for fun! I hope it makes you guys laugh–I cracked up writing it!
Now, this is Kenshin's personal diary. That's right, Kenshin's thoughts! It's extremely OOC, so it's very crazy! Enjoys!
It's horrible being this pretty. Everyone comes after you. Yeah, you know why Shishio came after me with those crazy maniacal laughs? That's why. Even before he was burnt to a crispy crisp, he hated me. Just because I looked sooooo sexy and he didn't. That's why Saitou hates me too, you know. And Okita, too, but he's pretty pretty, too, but not as pretty as me because I was the prettiest of the revolution. I think most of the people I killed were too mesmerized about how pretty I was to notice that I was slicing them to ribbons. Oh, I love being pretty. It's just so nice to feel—
Couldn't finish my statement on how pretty I was because Kaoru asked me to do the laundry.
I hate laundry. It makes my hands all dry and icky and stuff. And I hate that kind of soup. No natural moisturizers at all.
I heard that westerners use soap made out of nasty, icky animal fat. How can you get clean in that? Don't they add lard into it? Gross. Lard is so nasty.
God, Yahiko can be so annoying. He's just jealous that no matter how many times he swings that stick, he will never look as sexy as me when I swing around a glinty sword with my hair behind me. Really, that is such a "rwoar" moment.
That's one of the reasons I use that sword in the first place. Regular swords shine but a reverse-blade sword captures the light so much better. Glinty glint glint! Flashy flash flash!
I am such a better cook than Kaoru. I mean, she uses so much oil! That's why everyone hates her cooking... Low fat diets are in and she just decides to lay on the rich stuff. Gross. Only I know how to make something so delish that you don't know you're eating fatty stuff!
Eww, look at Sanosuke! He thinks he's so sexy being tall and buff. He is, though. Like, not quite as sexy as me but not too far away but not too close, either. He's like, a 8 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being me. The second sexiest to me would be Aoshi when he was 13. He's like, a 9. Ooo, he was really sexy!
Man, some people just let themselves go. I mean, look at him now! He's all tall and icy and stuff. And he doesn't even do icy well. I am awesome when icy. I look so tasty, I know it.
Oh, and Soujiro, too! That kid was so cute. But I guess cute isn't the same as sexy, huh? But he was very pretty. Especially when he got all emotional and stuff. Man, I so didn't want to be there when he started sobbing but I guess he chased after me or something. He's very fast. That comes in very handy when the fan girls come.
Brrr... Fan girls.
Brr! It's cold in here! I think there's some Kenshin in the atmosphere!
YES! YES! YES! I am soooo sexy!
I don't think there's a bath house in all of Japan that isn't monitored by fan girls. Last time I took a bath I had to go into the high mountains and find a hot spring even though most hot springs are being monitored by other people like old guys.
Old guys are such pervs. Especially that Okina guy. I was all relaxing and trying to take a bath and he comes in buck naked and asks me if I want to wash his back. Eww!
It's hard being this sexy.
But having your eye color change on command is sooooo great. I am sexy both ways but with amber eyes I look like a sex god. Oh yes! Sanosuke, you know you want some of me!
Wait, Sanosuke? WTF?!
Haha! I used WTF in a sentence!
Wait, that's not really a sentence, huh? WTF is much more of just a comment, really. Right? Wait, what? I have gotten myself confused.
Oh, I look so cute when I'm confused! My eyes get all big and innocent and ooo! It's so cute! God, it's hard being this cute and sexy at the same time.
Oh, crud, what would happen when I got old?
It's okay, I will clone myself.
But will I really have to? I mean, I'm already 28 and still I look as sexy as Hell!
That's right. Hell isn't as sexy as me.
You know who else is sexy? That Sesshoumaru guy from Inu Yasha. Roar, is that demon fine or what?
And to make it better, he's bi! OMG, that would be just so nice and sexy to have a three-some with him! He is so pretty but not as pretty as me. He's too tall to be completely and totally sexy. But he's damn close.
Wait, what if he was as pretty as me?! I might have to kill him.
Yes, I will kill him. I will slice him up like sashimi.
Yum, sashimi. Sashimi is fish and most fish have good fatty acids in them! And fatty acids make your hair and skin absolutely glow! Oooo! I want sashimi.
But how come they call it a fatty acid? Is it like lard? You put it on your hand and it burns? Eww! I am never eating fish again. I might burn my youthful skin.
Oro! I think Kaoru saw me with one of her kimonos on!
Oh, it is okay. She thinks she's imagining that I have a sister.
Even my sister wouldn't look as sexy as me! Wow, I am so damn fine. No, I am past fine. I am like, foine. That's right, there's an "O" in foine! That's how sexy I am!
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts! I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party! I'm a model, you know what I mean! I do a little turn on the catwalk, yeah, on my catwalk. I shake my little tush on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk!