Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 12: Bacon Flavored Things
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or the random song lyrics, quotes, etc., but as I'm a Kinkmeister in my own right, it's OK.
YOU GUYS KICK TUSHES! I can't believe so many of you are taking place in the RKRC, and I gotta say, I love it! I cannot thank you all enough for nominating this story, which started out as an outlet for all the insane energy I have. (I also thank all of whom nominated Divine Commiseration as Best Darkfic–I honestly can say I don't deserve it!)
To placate you all, and to apologize endlessly for the long wait, I promise to... write longer chapters while still updating as fast as I can? Well, sure, if that's what y'all want.
As always, thanks to everyone for all their support! I could kiss you all, but I don't swing left as often as Kenshin.
Oh. My. God.
Did you know they make condoms in bacon flavor? Now there's something that would turn Homer Simpson gay!
I can see it now... Homer drooling, "Mmm... Bacon..."
And licking it like a bacon lollipop...
AHHH! IT BURNS! BAD IMAGE! BAD IMAGE! EWWWW! OMG, GET IT AWAY!
It burns like nail polish remover in the eye! It burns like Shishio's touch against my smooth, smooth bottom! It burns like... like... Like me!
Oh Kenshin you are so perfect! So absolutely beautiful in every way!
Just think beautiful thoughts, and the ugly ones will go away!
Kenshin in a bathtub. Kenshin in nothing but boxers. Kenshin shaking his long, fiery hair out of his eyes. Kenshin smirking to whatever fugly's in his way. Kenshin's beautiful purple eyes turning that piercing shade of amber. Kenshin... Kenshin...
Kenshin loves Kenshin.
Kenshin also loves dark chocolate.
Kenshin wonders why he's talking in third person. Like... a monkey.
Monkeys are sooo cute sometimes! Like, uber-cute. Like, cute like me when I'm oroing.
Good god I ramble when I'm supposed to be rescuing people!
That's what supposedly happened when I tried to rescue Tomoe, god rest her white-plum-flavored soul.
But how can there be such a thing as white plum? And if there was, what would be the scent difference between it and say, a red plum? Or a purple plum? Or a green plum?
Honestly, women and their perfumes. It's like hiding in the girl's locker rooms and watching the freshman come tramping in and spraying their 'Love Spell' and 'Pure Seduction'. Really, it's enough to make you choke.
I did it again, didn't I? Rambling. Jeez. That's probably my one imperfection. That, and the fact that my butt is sooo... big.
"Kaoru-dono! I apologize but I fear I have gone mind rambling! Can you tell me what's going on?"
"Oh Kenshin, you silly rabbit, you. You were going to rescue me so you could take me home, undress me slowly, give me a sensual massage, and allow me to show you what making love with a kendo master was really like!"
Ay, Taco Bell Dog!
I always knew there was a devil in Miss Kaoru!
Devil? OMG! 666! The devil's number! This is just like the time when they sent me to the bowels of hell to retrieve that dead girl, but then I accidently looked back to make sure she was hot–because everyone knows ugly chicks shouldn't be rescued for the good of the world–and she disappeared into a wisp of smoke?
Wait, maybe that wasn't me... Ah well.
Acts of heroism start blending into each other as time goes on, you know. So it's not my fault. Especially with how sexy and heroic I am. Rawr.
You know what they say about the number 69... Snicker.
That's right! When you flip the numbers around, they still say 69! Wicked, yo!
Oh dude, I'm fur-eaking hot!
Eek! I think one of my nails have chipped!
Oh, just kidding. It was just the light hitting it weird.
What color should I choose to paint my nails next time I get them done? I was thinking a pale purple, to set off my eyes, but then maybe it would be too pale? And if it's too dark then it's way too easy to see if they chip or not, and that could be a problem... Hm...
Well, now we know how loud she's going to be in bed!
"Will you stop blanking out on me and just rescue me already!"
"Oh. Yeah. About that..."
She made me do it. Rescue her, that is. Oh, this had better be worth it.
I am never, ever dissing toothpaste companies ever again. Those three tubes where the only thing that got the artificial strawberry, cotton candy, mocha, watermelon, etc. tastes out of my mouth. I don't know how I ever did it, seeing how many fangirls I had to kiss.
I'm not going to even mention how many girls stuck their hands down into my pants.
Are they even allowed to do that?
I should talk to Kaoru-dono about this.
She might get jealous and hurt me, though. And I don't like getting hit. It hurts. And bruises my delicate skin.
On the other hand... Snicker.
Oh, Kenshin, you bad boy, you! 'Other hand'... You are sooo dirty!
Ahem! As I was saying! She might take it as a hint.
Oh, this is just like the time when I was at that job interview, and that guy asked me where I saw myself in 10 years, and I just had to blurt out, "Doing your wife," even though in my head I was telling myself not to.
I suppose it's better than saying "Doing your mom". Your mom jokes are so old.
Yo momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, all the whales start singin', "WE ARE FA-MI-LY!"
You have to admit that was good.
Other than in the bed, of course. And he's very talented in that area, also.
You know you just can't beat Kenshin when it comes to speed bed-making. Hehehehe... Kiss my pillows!
... My... Legs... They're... Strange...
I mean, they're all... You know... Strange.
I hope it wasn't the fangirl's excessive groping that made them all strange.
AHH! What if they mutilated my wanker! They did... stroke it so... sexually, and with such... er... enthusiasm. And... Er... Everything went hard—DARK, that's what I meant! Dark!
This is rated PG13, or, as the kind people of Fiction Rating say, T... For Teen... And as we all know, teens don't know a single thing about sex. Or kinkiness. No, no, teens only know about doing their homework and going to church.
OK, I double-checked. It's fine. My buddy, my friend, my little mouse (though it's everything but "little"), is safe and sound and in my pants. At least, from what I can see.
I should really get Kaoru to check it. There might be some things I'm missing. Lumps, for example.
She'll have to check it orally, of course. Or maybe...
I always liked those hand-on check-ups. I liked them very hands on and very through.
And I always liked playing doctor. Even as a child.
Let me tell you, I got further at age 5 with the Takamura's doctor than I did with Tomoe on our first night alone together.
Which reminds me of that one pickup line I used on her...
"Hey, Tomoe, remember when you and Akira were young and played doctor? Now that he's dead, and we're all grown up, how about giving up that family practice so we can play gynecologist?"
It didn't work out well, obviously, because I didn't get laid that night.
I did later when I used this: "I thought very fine only came in a bottle."
Hey, it's better than saying something like: "You're so beautiful, I want to be reincarnated as your child so I can be breastfed by you until I'm 30." That would be quiet... Er... Strange.
Why 30? Because after that, they won't be milk-jugs anymore. They'll be more like... Er... Something nasty, I'm sure.
Along with my swords (snigger), my lips are registered weapons.
But trust me, the length of the sword I show more often is by no means compensation for the length of the sword I'd like to show Kaoru-dono.
Comparison is more like it. Ohh yeeeaah!
Ending Note: Just as one last reminder, don't forget to vote in the Rurouni Kenshin Reader's Choice Awards! Voting ends on the 31st, and I don't want anyone to miss out on the opportunity to choose their favorites! Http / rkrc . Meijitales . com / vote . html (no spaces) if you still haven't!
Response to Reviews:
Strawberry'd: I like wordplay as much as Kenshin likes foreplay, so you'll be seeing quite a lot of it hanging around in this story. I am random... As random as the Rabid Australian Penguin. We are cousins. Yes. (I'm making no sense, am I?) Thank you anyway for the review!
Kawaii meeh: My humor is the death of all things holy and all minds pure, as fans have informed me. Hope this was a fast enough update for you! (Even if it was over a month... Haha.)
Fireblade K'Chona: I love angst, too, but like you, I get so tired of it, especially since I write a lot of it. Sometimes, you just need to sit back, relax, and watch Kenshin be sexy. Yeahhhh!
-Little Oro-: Thank you!
L1Ldumie TK: Wow, really? The funniest? Thank you so much!
NightIntent: For the broomstick... As Spongebob Squarepants once said, "Imagination" (–does things with hands so you see a rainbow–). Life is just more fun with random people.
Anime-needy: GASP! How did I forget Zechs? He's muy sexy, too!
Ramoe Ayna: Thank you!
Chixxy: Ah, so terribly sorry for leaving without making sure there was plenty of pervertedness to tide you guys over! Hope this one is better when it comes to it!
Cedahlia: You know, I believe the two things that corrupted me where fanfiction and MTV? Both are scary, scary things, yet... Strangely... We can't look away...
Anithene: I should mention Sou sometime soon! He is our little bunny, after all, that adorable little thing. Next chapter, then! Sorry for not being on YIM lately but life's been a total drag!
Lexi Teniro: Don't die! LIVE! LIVE FOR AOSHI'S TIGHT NINJA ASS! ... ... ... You didn't just read that. (–nervous laughter–)
Rose Quinn: I like your new panname! It's very purty, hehe. And I liked the nipple-twiddling part, too. It's shocking enough to... err... shock people.
Tastyfacewash: Thanks for the review!
Maiyuki-chan: I'm glad you like the summary! I change them every chapter but I think I may have to revert to some of the old ones soon, because to understand the story fully, you have to read from the beginning, after all.
Venus Goddess: Haha, no problem! Your reviews make my day, too!
Midnite Cherry Blossomz: The drama! The excitement! The Maury Show! Uh... Maybe I've been watching that too many times, but trash TV is a good inspiration for OOCness! Maybe I should add some trailer trash the next chapter... Hehehehe!
Skitzoflame: No problem! This is a joy to write!
Marstanuki: (–worships–) When I first saw your review, I thought... Hm... So familiar. And I clicked on the link. And found that it was one of the Goddesses of Rurouni Kenshin Fanfiction reviewing–and enjoying–this crap-tacularily random story! Thank you so much! Your comments motivated me so much!
GreenEyedFloozy: I'm so glad you got the "two pills" comment! I was worried it would be a little too vague! That means I've either corrupted you well, or you're one of my twins!
Fantastical Queen Ebony Black: Thank you, thank you! I am getting quite infamous for my crack!fics, I believe, especially now that it's getting more and more raunchy. All the same, I think we all need a little perverted love every now and then! Angst can only get you to cry so much!
StarShipDelta: LOL, your comment on "it's wrong on so many levels" has given me a new idea for the next chapter. Thank you muchos muchos! It will be used... Well, if I said "well", I would be lying. So instead I'll say, "It will be used for making Kenshin an even sexier beast!"
Itachida: Thank you for voting! Wow, that means so much to me! I HEART you, and I hope this story has amused you as much as it amused me while I was writing it!
Animedeprived: I think we all need a naked Kenshin tied to a stick. We should start an organization for that... The Naked Kenshin Tied to a Stick Foundation! Yesh!
Oro4: Thank you!
Yukishiro Tomoe-chan: Thank you for allowing me to use that nickname! It will probably show up in the next chapter, so look out for it! Yes, Kenny-kins with Viagra. It's a dangerous world now!
Legendary-yoshi: Rhyming is fun. Like buns. And huns. And... Wow, I'm absolutely crap at rhyming, aren't I? Ah... Too late! I have already spread my corruption over everyone!
Angerasu85: Wow, the scary thing is, I understood what you wrote! Si! Vamos Kenshin! Yo quiero Kenshin! (Did I say that right? Or have I embarrassed the Spanish speaking population again?) Good times, good times!
AnSushi: It should be a rule to anyone who has an exam: immediately following a test, you must read about sexy Kenshin. That would make the world a better place!
Leah T: Thank you!
Nameless: That joke with Suboshi's balls is actually from an inside joke between me and a friend. We used to say stuff like, "Kenshin's mine!" or "Dibs on Sesshoumaru!" or something like that, so when it came to Fushigi Yuugi, we were really glad that there was a pair of hot twins. Suboshi for her and Amiboshi for me!
Mizurio: Don't die, don't die! (–sniggers–) I'm pretty sure they didn't use the end of the broom with the bristles, because it could poke something wrong, right? Ouch! Megumi could fix them up, I suppose, but then she might want to join in on the "fun" too. Hehehehe. So glad you got the counter joke, too! Thank you for the review, and muchos muchos love for voting for me!
AmnarJoey: Remember... Kenshin isn't just good... He's good in bed, too. He is a speed-bed-maker! Hehehehe!
Green Animelover: Glad you loved it! I hoped it made you laugh!
Silver0150: I aim to please by making Kenshin do outrageous things! Practice, after all, does make perfect!