My dear Manwe:
I try my best, Windlord, truly I do. There is no keeping them out. It is a plague creeping in upon Arda, blighting its truth and nobility. At first the vermin only trickled in, one here, two there. They were easily dealt with. But now there is a veritable flood of these creatures streaming in, using my very own halls as a route into Ea! We found several of their lairs and destroyed them and all we found, but they keep coming. Some have even desecrated my wife's tapestries, an absolute outrage!
You know that this is a problem. You see them all around, threatening to destroy the mission of your chosen servants. Please believe me when I say that my staff and I simply cannot cope with this influx. Perhaps a century or two ago this would have been no difficulty, but with the recent wars and conflicts we have to receive hundreds of souls and deal with them every day. The Men in particular are most difficult, as they know little of what to expect from the afterlife, and this threat to the peace of my domain only serve to unnerve them further. My Maiar are spent, absolutely spent, especially as they prepare to soon receive Olorin for his promotion.
They threaten to destroy the very fabric of the Music, and if not stopped, I forsee utter desolation. Only yesterday several of the Elves here were attacked, proving that this pestilence is a threat to the departed as well as the living. They do not stay here, I am aware, but once they leave, there is no driving them out. Many use this sacred place as an exit route as well. At times we can catch them, but by then the damage is done. I do not know from what black pit they are spawned or where they return to, but my private belief is that it is the Outer Void from whence they come. I might even go so far to suspect that they may be a scheme of revenge from Morgoth. Whatever their origin, I know of nobody in Arda who can defeat them without a long struggle. I know you suggested the Wizards, but I can assure you, in all humility, that that isn't one of your brightest ideas. The Istari - the ones who hold true, in any case – hardly listen to me any more. Besides, they are busy as well in their efforts to keep the renegade Curinir from destroying everything they've worked to achieve.
The purpose of my message is to request aid against this menace. Asking Eru to smite them might be the best choice. If Aule could command the earth to swallow them up, Yavanna make the forests strangle them, Ulmo to drown them, or you to send your eagles to tear them apart, that would also be quite satisfactory. Should Eru refuse this, however, in His infinite wisdom, at least may I plead permission for the Feanturi to take our own drastic measures? My brother Irmo – who still wishes to be called by his real name, not after Lorien (I suppose he finds being called "Dream" insufficiently masculine) – has offered his help. With his power he is more than willing to send visions to the threatened ones of Arda, so that they may see their peril and take action. If I am allowed that, my gratitude will be boundless.
Whatever your decision, I have pondered upon your wise thought that we should not leave these swarms nameless, for that will increase our fear of them. After much thought and consultation with my wife and our servants, we decided upon a name for these vermin. It may sound a bit strange and uncouth to your ears, but somehow seems appropriate. I have named them: "Mary-Sues". May Eru preserve us all.
I sign myself most sincerely,
Namo of Mandos, Lord of Death, Herald of the Valar, etc.