Disclaimer: I don't own the Potterverse.
A/N: Thanks to all those who laughed with me when I brainstormed for this story, and thanks, Patricia, for giving it a title. I hope you find it somewhat funny. HBP did not happen in this verse.
How Hogwarts Became a Nudist Colony
Part 1: A Hero's Welcome
Sunlight filtered through the dark foliage and onto Harry's bare neck. He stumbled forward, tired and worn. The battle had lasted the entire night, but it seemed like only seconds ago that Harry was fighting off the Death Eaters alone, unaided by the Order or his friends. He was glad that none of his loved ones were lost to him, that they were all back at Hogwarts, safe from harm. After all, that was the reason why he'd ran away two weeks ago. However, all was not well. Voldemort still lived, though most of his followers were dead and he himself was injured.
Harry didn't know how to break it to those who'd believed in him. For all the dead death eaters, he felt as if he'd accomplished little.
He trudged forward, wand still in hand, until he reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Wincing at the bright morning light, he forced himself to look up at the welcoming castle. The castle itself was the same, but he noticed a small difference in the students outside.
At first he thought he was dreaming, or perhaps he was dead and this was some twisted form of the afterlife. Nevertheless, one thing was for sure. The students strolling in front of the castle were completely and totally naked. In the nude. In their birthday suits. Devoid of clothing.
" 'Arry, you're back! Where've you been, mate?"
Harry, finding it hard to turn from the group of students in front of the castle, issued only a questionable groan of awe. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he turned to see Ron standing beside him, also nude, and holding a broomstick in front of his 'member'. Harry's mouth dropped open, and he took a step back, avoiding a hug from his best friend.
"What the hell happened?" Harry gasped. "Why are you…naked?"
"Huh?" Ron looked down at himself. "Oh, yeah. You sort of forget about it after a while. . . "
Harry was about to interrupt when he saw another figure walking toward him. A very pale, and bare, Draco Malfoy approached with a smirk. Thankfully, he too was holding a broom in front of him.
"Ignore him, Ron," Draco sneered. (Since when does he call Ron by his first name! Harry thought.) "The perfect Harry Potter is too good to hug a naked male. Always have to be different, don't you? Well, guess what, Hogwarts does not accept clothing anymore, so strip down if you expect to stay, Potter."
"What?!" Harry's eyes widened. "I'm not taking off my clothes! What are you playing at Malfoy?"
"You know he's right, Harry. It's not that big of a deal. Everyone's doing it," Ron said, giving a reassuring smile.
"Doing what?" Harry shouted. Was the entire school under the influence of some terrible curse? "What sort of drugs are you on? Does Dumbledore know about this?"
At this the other boys turned toward one another and burst into laughter.
"What?" Harry flushed with anger.
"We'll take you to see Dumbledore soon enough, but I think you should see Hermione first," Ron laughed. "She's at Hagrid's. She wanted to help him with his garden while we were practicing a bit of quidditch."
Hopefully, she will still be the same, Harry thought, following the two boys and desperately trying to make sure his eyes were up when they turned. Harry soon realized that he had the worst possible luck because, low and behold, Hermione was not the same. The three boys reached the back of Hagrid's hut and Hermione's face appeared from behind the garden fence. Harry was extremely glad that the new fence had been constructed over the summer because it was only too obvious that Hermione Granger was topless.
"Harry!" she said, leaning over the garden fence. The fence came to right below her pale, bare shoulders. "Where have you been!? We've been looking everywhere for you!"
Harry was more afraid than ever. Whatever had happened to Malfoy and Ron had obviously happened to Hermione too. If this curse or drug or new age movement could effect the most logical girl in Gryffindor, then surely all of Hogwarts was doomed!
"What's going on?" Harry shouted.
"Wait right there, Harry. I'll come around the fence and explain," Hermione answered.
"NO! Don't! It's so important to our friendship that you do not step out from behind that fence!"
Hermione looked confused. "Well, alright Harry. You're not taking this very well. Maybe you should go straight to Dumbledore."
Harry nodded at such a speed that he almost toppled over from dizziness. "Yes, yes, good idea. Dumbledore. He'll set everything right."
Hermione shared a look with Ron then began to giggle. Draco was bent over laughing; not a pretty sight from where Harry was standing. "Take me to the Headmaster. Now. Or the hospital wing, whichever you prefer. Maybe, I was poisoned..."
"Oh, you're not poisoned, mate," Ron laughed. "Come with us. Dumbledore will tell you the whole story."
Harry, still hoping to be experiencing an acid trip, shut his eyes and asked Ron to lead him by hand through the castle. Though Malfoy snorted at this, Ron agreed.
"Perhaps you should take this slowly. Plus, if we were to run into Madam Pomfrey, you would probably ask a bunch of embarrassing questions about that birth mark on her-"
"Getting the point, Ron!" Harry snapped.
Ron shrugged, grabbed Harry's elbow, and led him up to Dumbledore's office. When Harry heard the door slide open, he opened his eyes and ran forward.
"Headmaster, something terrible has happened. I - "
Harry stopped, gasped, and stumbled back into a chair. "Oh, for Merlin's sake. Not you too..."
Dumbledore smiled, his eyes glistening through half-moon spectacles. He gestured, with bare arms covered in a layer of curly silver hair, for Ron and Draco to sit. From the chest up, Dumbledore was nude (not counting the new hat he was wearing), and Harry was quite glad the Headmaster had opted to stay seated behind his desk instead of standing to greet him.
"I'm happy to see you, Harry. We were worried something had happened to you," Dumbledore said in a cheerful voice.
"Something did happen, Professor. I fought Voldemort and... I lost the battle. I'm sorry," Harry said.
"You lost the battle but not the war," Dumbledore supplied.
Draco piped up. "Yes, we can tell because you're not dead, you see."
"Very funny, Malfoy," Harry growled. "Headmaster, why is Malfoy still here? I mean, isn't this information private."
"I think he's talking about that Order of the Bird thing," Draco sneered.
"It's the Order of the Phoenix, you idiot. Wait a second! How do you know about the Order!?"
"Oh, of course, you couldn't know, Harry." Dumbledore's smiled widened. "You may have noticed a few changes around school?"
"A FEW!" Harry was fuming. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED WHILE I WAS AWAY? WHERE'S EVERYONE'S BLOODY CLOTHING? ARE YOU ALL MAD!?"
" 'arry, that's just not polite," Ron whispered.
"It's not bloody polite to flash your parts to everyone in the vicinity either, but that seems to be a very popular trend!"
Draco gave a wolf's smile. "Oh, I think it's very polite. I truly feel I've gotten to know the Gryffindors better...Merlin, I've gotten to know so many - "
"I don't need to hear this!" Harry leaned forward. "Why. Is. Malfoy. Sharing. Experiences?"
Dumbledore, in turn, leaned back. "It is a very long story, Harry. If you want to know about our new nudist trends and why Mr. Malfoy, and many of his fellow Slytherins, are behaving civil, you will be sitting here for quite a while."
"Please, tell me what's going on," Harry pleaded.
Dumbledore took a deep breath. "It began on the second day of your absence. The seed was, awkwardly enough, planted in Professor Snape's dungeon room... "