(Disclaimer: Don't own YGO. Do own a 1000 page calculus textbook. Anyone wanna buy it? Makes a good paperweight. I also don't own the definition of Santa Claus, which I borrowed from the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary.)
(a/n: Yeah, I'm ripping off the children from French Maid, so consider this like, a mini-addition. So yes, SxS haters, I suggest you run if you fear of their spawn. Also, don't blame me for Kaiba's twisted theories. I thought of the concept at work, after listening to 8 1/2 hours of x-mas music. Oh, the humanity! Oh, my ears! Oh, the bleep-ing customers! Oh, and I'm Canadian, just in case there are some irate ones out there after reading this.)
The Truth About Santa
Otherwise known as, 'Why Kaiba shouldn't be telling bed-time stories to the children'.
There was something horribly wrong with the scene that should have been terribly right. Serenity Kaiba was currently standing in the living room, the equivalent of a gymnasium, and absorbing the Christmas-exploding sight. She wouldn't have recognized the living room had it not been for ... well... someone reminding her that she hadn't walked into the wrong house. Tinsel, wreaths, and lights hung, sparkled and was a potential fire hazard from every possible crevice. Red, green and white attacked the eyes, causing a negative after image when people left the room and attempted not to smack into walls. The normally black leather couches were covered in a decorative Christmas throw, the fireplace actually had fire in it, and -best of all- there was actually... a tree!
Of course, the Kaiba household always had a tree during Christmas, but this tree was different. Instead of an overly frosted one consisting of only white, silver and blue decorations, this tree had every cute decoration imaginable, ranging from abnormally tiny squirrels to the practical and traditional red bulbs. Underneath, the presents were not fake (it was an unfortunate discovery for Reiji, who proceeded to eat the styrofoam innards of one package), but real. Seto Kaiba had actually bought gifts for his family. Well, that was slightly a lie since he had sent a personal shopper, but he chose the gifts himself. Unfortunately, he drew the line at going out shopping with Serenity for the kids.
Yet despite the seemingly perfect image she was witnessing and what seemed to be the start of something prospective, she knew something was wrong. For one thing, Kaiba was actually home on Christmas Eve. That never happened. Ever. He hadn't told the children to 'be quiet', hadn't stalked off to his office in anger, and smiled when Reiji told him Santa was coming. If there was one thing Serenity knew, it was that when it came to non-existent creatures that children avidly believed in, Kaiba made sure it was known that they were mythical. The children were four, not old enough to care about the tooth fairy, but they so far knew that leprechauns, the Trix rabbit, ghosts, the Boogieman, and Michael Jackson were not real (a 'load of crap' and 'what are you, moronic?', from the father's mouth to the toddlers' ears). Serenity knew Santa was next on the list.
Frowning, she found herself biting her lower lip in agitation as her eyes traveled to the set of stairs curving upward from near the tree. Although she wanted her children to bond with their 'barely-there' father, she had a feeling getting Kaiba to read them a bedtime story was a bad idea, especially since she found the book lying in a crumpled mess near the stairwell.
Poor The Happiest Little Cute Honey Baby Hippo. She liked that book.
Upstairs, Floor 4: Serenity has need to be worried, while Kaiba attempts to bond with his brats... I mean... kids...
Currently, the fraternal twins were both tucked into bed, quite tightly at that. When Kaiba did something, he wanted to do it right, did it right, and overachieved.
"Daddy, I can't move..." Reika piped, attempting to crane her head to see the present position of her father in their room. He was actually sitting on the edge of Reiji's bed, but with the sheet so tightly around her, she couldn't see anything except for the ceiling.
"That's nice," Kaiba said, absent-minded while thumbing through the books in his lap.
What kind of crap do people write these days? he wondered, throwing another book on the floor. From the loud thumps and his father's irate mutterings, Reiji was on the verge of crying. Kaiba's son, the supposed heir to Kaiba Corp. happened to be terrified of his father and although he didn't believe a single word he said, he never attempted to contradict him. The only thing he had inherited from Kaiba was intelligence, which would have bit Kaiba in the ass had it not been for his intimidating nature.
"You're going to sleep, you don't need to move!" Kaiba barked and Reika instantly stopped her squealing. Instead, she began complaining.
"I want Mommy!"
"Well, you can't have Mommy."
Kaiba's voice changed from its usual condescending dark drawl to becoming scarily syrupy. "Because your mother believes that you brats need to get to know me."
There was a moment of silence before Reiji spoke. "Yeah, who are you?"
"Reiji, he's our Daddy!"
"That's enough!" The children went silent and wide-eyed at the sound of their bellowing father. "Why don't you kids just go to sleep, and leave me be?"
"B-but I can't sleep without a story!" they both chorused, something that didn't occur too often considering their di-polar nature.
Kaiba groaned, wishing he could leave the room but unwilling to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms for the night. He certainly hadn't planned on spending Crhistmas Eve reading a ridiculous, over-hyped, lie-filled story to his twins. Then again, if everything in his life went according to plan, he would be single, twin-less and in his office right now, making beautiful music with his laptop in his office. Ah, he could hear it now... the harmonious sound of fingertips against keys....and radiation slowly seeping into his skin...the--
"Fine, you guys win!" Kaiba stated, his hands held out on either side of him as if he were stalling a fight. He glanced at the twins, one on either side of the room, before stalking to the left side and grabbing the too-tightly-tugged-in Reika, who squirmed in his arm and attempted to bite him. He put her down rather lightly on the bed. Despite him being horribly annoyed, even driven insane by his twins, he didn't want to harm them. Mentally scar them, of course, but anything physical was out of the question.
Now the twins were side by side, semblance barely visible through their opposite features. The father and twins stared at one another before Kaiba sighed and reached for an armchair, one he presumed Serenity used for reading.
"Mommy reads each of us a seperate story," Reika stated in a snide tone uncannily like Kaiba's when he was a teenager.
"Well, since today is a special day, you're getting one story for the two of you."
"Christmas!" the twins shrieked simultaneously again and Kaiba inwardly panicked. He knew his kids enough to know that stating the same word together twice in one day was not a good thing.
"Daddy, tell us a story about Santa!" Reika nearly jumped off the bed but Reiji caught her leg in time.
The North Pole!"
Kaiba raised a dark brow in question and afterward, took off his newly acquired glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. "What are you two talking about?"
"Daddy, don't you know about Santa? Everyone does!"
He now blinked, his mind fervently attempting to find the proper definition of a 'Santa'. Sand, Santa Ana, Sack, Sane... Santa!
Main Entry: San·ta Claus
Pronunciation: 'san-t&-"kloz also 'san-tE-
Etymology: modification of Dutch Sinterklaas, alteration of Sint Nikolaas Saint Nicholas
: a plump white-bearded and red-suited old man in modern folklore who delivers presents to good children at Christmastime -- called also Santa
"Ooh..." He chuckled, somethign that didn't happen very often. It was almost as rare as the twins agreeing on something. "Santa. Why didn't you say so?"
He leaned forward while the childrens's eyes glowed with anticipation. Santa had to be real, especially since their father knew about him! However, they failed to interpret Kaiba's smile as one of malevolence and mischief.
"On a snowy Christmas Eve, a well-rounded man named..." He paused, waiting for one of his little monsters to fill in the gap.
"Santa!" Reika shouted. Reiji remained silent, his expression unreadable.
Kaiba nodded. "... Santa lived up in the North Pole, or what we grown-ups call, Canada.--"
"But isn't the North Pole just 'the North Pole'?" Reiji stated, confused.
"Well... yes and no. You'll find out when you're older. Anyway, living with savages, Santa got an idea. Why not utilize their utter stupidity to create a sweat shop?"
"What's a 'sweat shop'?" Reiji asked but was silenced by Kaiba putting his fingers to his lips.
"It's something you'll forget I ever mentioned because your mother wants to shelter you until you're eighteen," Kaiba explained while Reiji nodded obediently. Serenity never did realize where her children found out about 'monopolies', 'communists' or multiple swears. "Anyway, the Canadians listened because they were stupid. After all, they were still living in igloos while the rest of the world lived in houses and apartments. With the Canadians under his command, Santa ordered them to make toys for the spoiled little girls and boys--"
"So they're elves?" Reika questioned, appearing slightly skeptical.
"...Yes," Kaiba replied after a small pause. "...Elves...So, throught the year, the elves worked while Santa watched the children. He knew when they were sleeping, he knew when they were awake, he knew when they were bad or good and whether they would go well with a side-order of cake. Then, Santa wrapped up the toys in attractive packaging--"
"Like the ones we have downstairs!"
"Yes, like the ones downstairs, Reiji. He then loaded them up on his sleigh and with the help of a lot of steroids--"
"I mean, candy, he managed to get reindeer to fly. Around the world he went, illegally entering the homes of innocent people through their most unprotected opening -the chimney. Knowing well that a fire would not be lit while people were sleeping, Santa would slide down the chimney with his sack and empty the presents. Then, he would lie low near the Christmas tree and wait for the children to come out, because of course they would. Little brats are light sleepers..." He sent a knowing and irate look to his twins, who blinked innocently back at him. "As I was saying, he would wait. Then, the children would come out and excitedly open their presents. Lost in the delirium of joy, the children would drop their guard and become venerable. Santa would then creep up behind them with his sack and quickly stuff them inside!"
Reiji and Reika's eyes widened, and Reika released a tiny gasp, grabbing onto the front of her brother's flannel pajama.
"T-then what...?" Reiji prompted, finding himself holding onto Reika's nightgown sleeve.
"After he lured and gathered the chosen children, because he can't stuff all the kids in his sack, he returned to Canada (also known as the North Pole) and dumped the kids into a giant pot and ate them. And that's the story of Christmas."
"H-he eats children?"
"Of course. Why else does he freely give toys to children and is so obese? Not to mention that he has long claws that he uses to slice the children up, hence the last name Claus. Do you think your own father would lie to you?"
"B-but t-then why aren't a-a-all the kids in the world gone?"
"He only likes to eat the bad children and... twins."
It's like a two-for-one deal, and Santa likes to maximize his profits. Oh, don't look so scared. You would have been eaten by the Tooth fairy eventually. And don't forget, if you tell anyone what I told you, Santa will certainly eat you tonight."
Patting both his kids on the head, Kaiba left the terrified children huddling next to one another and when he turned off the light, they both screamed. That night, the twins lay awake in their beds, unable to sleep in fear of being eaten. Every sound entering their ears caused them to jump and they remained paranoid, believing that Santa would come to eat them. After all, they certainly hadn't been good this year and they had the misfortune of being twins.
Eventually, they began to drift off into a lulled sleep against their will; however, right when Reiji's eyes were about to stop flickering and finally close, he heard a noise, almost like a woman's squeal. No, not a woman... His mommy!
"Reika, Reika!" he whispered, shaking his sister by the shoulder.
"Go away, stupid..." she mumbled, proceeding to half-consciously smack her brother on the face.
"It's Mommy! Santa's here and he's gonna eat Mommy!"
Reika awoke with a start and faced her brother with eyes the size of Christmas cookies. "Oh no! If Mommy is eaten, then all we'll have is Daddy!"
"And that's not a good thing!" Reiji stated unnecessarily. Suddenly, the image of Kaiba wearing an apron and holding a spatula entered their minds. Clearly, it was not a pleasant thought. That image dissipated in favor of the truth -Reiji and Reika in a cage while their father typed away on a lap top. Reiji was holding a tin can and running it along the bars while Reika played a harmonica.
"Will you cretins keep quiet!" imaginary Daddy shouted.
"But we're hungry!"
"You have enough food!"
Beside them would lay tons and tons of brussel sprouts. Soon, they would become engulfed in it and die of brussel sprout over dosage.
The dream vanished with a 'pop' and not a second too soon, the twins scrambled up and ran out of the room. Their house happened to be quite large, and they usually found themselves lost until a random maid found them on a random floor. They had no idea how they had gotten there and usually never ended up back. The twins could safely say that most rooms they had never seen more than once.
Currently, they were standing in the hallway of the fourth floor, looking around confused. One stretch of hallway and doors lay to the left side of them and another stretch of hallway and doors to the right.
"Where are the stairs?" Reika asked, poking Reiji. They wandered around aimlessly until the sound of bells reached their ears. They could then hear their mommy say, "Stop it!" in a nearly breathless voice and they paled. Following the sound, they found the stairwell and descended it to the third floor. The bells became louder and at the foot of the stairs, they could see the Christmas tree, a darkened figure and their mommy in the next room. Her face was strangely red and she was covering her mouth with her eyes closed, her squealing apparently muffled.
The figure approached her and she took a step backward. The figure seized her and bent down while their mother went limp...!
"Don't eat my mommy, evil Santa!" Reiji and Reika shrieked, running up to the figure and attacking his legs. Quickly, Serenity turned on the lights and illuminated the scene before them: the twins locked on each of Kaiba's legs. They slowly looked up to see the irate look on their father's face and quickly scrambled off of him.
"What's going on here?" Serenity probed, hands on her hips, which was not a good sign. "Shouldn't you two be asleep? Santa won't come if you're not asleep!"
"What are you saying, Mommy?" Reika cried out, clutching onto her brother. "You want Santa to eat us?"
"W-where did you hear that?" the flustered mother stuttered. After examining the look on her children's faces, she sighed and felt her blood pressure rising dramatically. With fiery eyes, she sent a look to her husband that frighteningly resembled a flesh piercing laser and in return, Kaiba took a step back in fear. After four years of marriage, Kaiba knew well not to piss his wife off. Even though he was stubborn, a cold shoulder and obvious vengeance from Serenity was not something to look forward to. "Seto, what the hell did you tell them?!"
(a/n: The moral of this story is that I'm twisted and it's not nice to scare children before Christmas. They actually get very, very afraid when they're young and informed that Santa eats children. Well, judging from my experience! :D! I have another x-mas fic on the way. This was just written for jest and will probably be deleted because...well... it's the work of 3 am madness!!!)