Fa Mulan – Rogue
Li Shang – Remy LeBeau / Gambit
Ling – Ray Crisp / Beserker
Yao – Bobby Drake / Iceman
Chien-Po – Roberto / Sunspot
Emperor – Evan Daniels / Spyke
Chi-Fu – Scott Summers / Cyclops
Mushu – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro
Fa Zhou – Logan / Wolverine
Mother Fa – Orora Monroe / Storm
Grandmother Fa – Kitty Pride / Shadowcat
Shan-Yu – Lance Alvers / Avalanche
Matchmaker – Jean Grey
General Li – Forge
Head Ancestor – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler
..:: Summary ::..
Okay, so I lied. This summary isn't any better! So, I'm taking a few characters from X-Men, and starring them in Mulan! Pretty simple, really.
..:: Disclaimer ::..
Do I really have to do these? Fine. I DON'T OWN X-MEN OR MULAN AND I NEVER WILL! END OF STORY! DUH!
..:: My OCs ::..
That's right, I have OCs! They are…Jimmy the Cricket as Cri-Kee, Charlie the Horse as Khan, and Bogie the Dog as Little Brother. Oh yeah, and my Bunny Twins, Priscilla and Trisha Lee, are co-directors…things…whatevers…for the parody…thing. Why? To have a smartass to argue with, and a ditz to make things interesting!
..:: Accents ::..
I'm just guessing with these things, man! I can't write accents to save Junior's life! Do fix me when I mess up, WHICH I WILL!
..:: Stuff ::..
fire fire fire – singing
fire fire fire – stressing
fire fire fire – regular narrating
fire fire fire – Author arguing with characters
..:: Let the Insanity Begin! ::..
15 not-so-randomly-picked mutants wandered around outside a weird empty studio…thing.
"You know, you don't have very good vocabulary!" Bobby yelled up at The Authoress' voice in the sky.
I don't really care, Bobby! Moving on…so there they were, being bored out of their little minds, and wondering why the hell they actually obeyed the little pieces of paper that they had all gotten telling them to come here…
"Why the hell did we actually obey the little pieces of paper that we had all gotten telling us to come here?" Ray wondered out loud.
Would you PLEASE stop repeating what I just said?
"Sorry," Ray said meekly.
Besides, you're not even supposed to be paying attention to me! Anyway, so the door to the "empty" studio…thing flew open and Trisha Lee came flying out. No not literally! She's not a mutant, doi!
"Oh my Bob,HI everyone!" Trisha Lee screamed with a Valley Girl accent. "I'm Trisha Lee, duh, and this is my twin sister, Priscilla!"
So Priscilla came walking out. "Hi," she said, all business-like…what a suit.
"I heard that!" Priscilla yelled.
Well, duh! Anyway, so Trisha Lee finished her little hyper bout, and Priscilla got down to business.
"So, getting down to business," Priscilla said. "You are all here because Psycho Bunny the Bad Narrator/Authoress decided to put you all in a fic called X-Mulan, which is a parody of the movie Mulan. Anyone got any problems with that?" No one said anything, which was very wise of them. "Okay," Priscilla said. "So the role of Mulan will be played by…Jean!"
Jean jumped up and down like an idiot. "Ha!" she yelled. "In your face, Rogue!"
"Actually, I just noticed that you were here," Priscilla said. "You don't get the part of Mulan!"
"Why?" Jean snapped all snottily.
"Because Psycho Bunny doesn't like you," Priscilla said. "And neither do I. Anyway, the role of Mulan will be played by Rogue."
So Priscilla went on naming everyone else who had a part as who, which has been posted for your convenience at the beginning of this chapter, and only this chapter, unless some of you get confused and mention it in your review, and then I will repost it every chapter henceforth…wow, that's a dorky word.
"Okay, so Shang will be Remy, because, duh, it's GOTTA be ROMY; and Ray will be Ling, cuz, yeah, he's skinny; and Bobby will be Yao, cuz him and Ray are friends, I guess; and Roberto will be Chien-Po-"
"Are you calling me fat?!" Roberto said indignantly.
"NO, because you've got that whole superstrength thingie in the sun or whatever," Priscilla said. "Anyway, so Evan will be the Emperor, cuz, I dunno; Scott will be Chi-Fu cuz I don't like you; Logan will be Fa Zhou cuz it just fits like that; Orora is Mother Fa because it's gotta be OROGAN; Kitty is Grandmother Fa-"
"Is it just me, or is there something backwards about that?" Orora said.
"What are you, like, talking about?" Kitty said. "Grandmother Fa is like, cool!"
"Duh," Priscilla said. "That's why you get the part. Except you're one of those young and pretty grandmas, not old and wrinkly cuz…yeah. Moving on, Lance will be Shan-Yu cuz of the whole Avalanche thing; Forge will be General Li cuz…well…let's face it, you're kinda old, even though you don't look it; and Kurt will be the Head Ancestor Dude, cuz he's also cool like that. Oh yeah, and John will be Mushu."
"WHAT?!" John said. "Oy gotta be a lizard?"
"DRAGON," Priscilla corrected. "Except, instead, you'll be, an Aussie or whatever. Plus, you get to play with fire."
"Really?" Pyro said. Priscilla nodded and handed him a lighter in the shape of a itty-bitty Mushu. "Hell yes, sheila!"
"But I do have to shrink you to a foot tall," Priscilla said.
"…You can do that?" John asked.
"Well, Psycho Bunny has almighty Authoress Divine Intervention powers, so she'll be shrinking you down in T minus 3…2…"
"Wait a sec!" John yelled.
"…1." And John was shrunk down to a foot tall. "Hey, don't look so sad, you still get to keep the lighter." And then John was happy and ran off with the lighter, cackling madly and looking a bit like a leprechaun…except he was all in red and had a lighter and didn't have a beard and still had the goggle things on him and he didn't have pointy ears and he's an Aussie, not Irish, so…never mind.
So then Priscilla sent off 14 mutants with Trisha Lee to the costume and make-up…place...to go get…costume and make-up!
"Hey, what about me?" Jean said.
"Uh, lemme see," Priscilla said, scanning her all-important clipboard. "Jean Grey…oh! Yes, you play a very important role."
"Really?" Jean said, sounding excited.
"Yeah!" Priscilla said, sounding just as excited. "You get to be…the Matchmaker! And you get to draw a mustache on yourself! Won't that be FUN?" And she sent a very unhappy Jean off to costumes and make-up and hair and stuff. And then a minute later she called back everyone except for Logan, Orora, Kitty, Rogue, and Jean because those were the only people in the scenes they were doing so far. "In the meantime, you people get to meet the three OCs!"
"OCs?" the mutants groaned.
Oh, you're a bunch of whiners, they're not that bad. "What she said," Priscilla said. "Anyway, here's Charlie the Horse as Khan, Jimmy the Cricket as Cri-Kee, and Bogie the Dog as Little Brother!" Everyone clapped politely, except for John, who screamed in terror when Bogie picked him up in his mouth. "I told Trisha Lee not to use Bogie! TRISHA LEE!" she yelled.
Trisha Lee came running out of the make-up trailer, dragging Jean after her, who only had half her make-up on. At the sight of Jean, Jimmy the Cricket actually started crying; she looked that hideous.
"Bogie! Put Pyro down!" Trisha Lee yelled. And of course Bogie did because he only listens to Trisha Lee. John ran off to his trailer to go wash off all the dog spit – which is actually cleaner than human spit.
"Hey, we all get trailers?" Roberto said.
Yeah, I'm in a generous mood. Don't make me change my mind. So after the OCs were introduced, Priscilla sent Jean back with Trisha Lee to finish getting her make-up on, and decided to finally get this thing started.
"Okay, let's finally get this thing started," Priscilla decided. "Now, since none of you people except Lance would've been in that prologue thing, let's just go to Rogue's Last Minute Review…stuff."
"Do Ah have tah eat rice?" Rogue said.
"Well, duh," Priscilla said.
"Ah don't know how tah use chopsticks."
"Not a problem," Priscilla said. "Trisha Lee!"
Trisha Lee came running out. "What?" she yelled.
"Teach Rogue how to use chopsticks!" Priscilla yelled for no reason.
"Okay!" Trisha Lee yelled back, also for no reason at all.
So Trisha Lee and Rogue sat down with 2 pairs of chopsticks and a bowl of rice for an hour. Does it really take one hour how to learn how to use chopsticks? I don't know.
…One Hour Later…
"Okay, so you're now a master of the Noble and Exquisite Art of the Chopstick," Trisha Lee said solemnly. Then she grinned. "Now we can have Chopstick Wars!" And she grabbed her pair and twirled them like Alexa Vega did with the spoons in the dinner party scene of Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams. Out of nowhere, Darth Vader music started playing.
"No," Priscilla said, and the Vader music mysteriously shut off with a ripping noise. "Now we're actually starting the scene. So we need Rogue, Logan, Orora, Kitty, Jimmy the Cricket, Charlie the Horse, and Bogie the Dog. Oh, and a few nameless, unaccredited extras to be People in the Town."
And so, about 3 pages after this chapter began, the movie actually begins.
Rogue sat in her room next to the window, eating rice and making notes on her arm…the little cheater.
Rogue rolled her eyes and ignored the Authoress. "Quiet and demure," she said, writing on her arm. "Graceful, polite…" She ate some rice expertly, thanks to Trisha Lee's training (even though it's a semi-useless talent, due to the fact that in America, most people use forks; but this is Middle Age China, or whatever, so, yeah). "Delicate, refined, poised," she wrote some more Chinese characters on her arm. "Punctual!"
Then a random rooster crowed. "Ah, shit!" Rogue yelled, jumping out of bed and running out of her room. Oh yeah, Rogue, that's punctual all right.
"Bogie!" Rogue yelled, blowing on her arm to dry it. "Bogie! Bog – there you are! Lazy mutt," she muttered. "Come on, help me with mah chores!" She tied a bag full chicken feed with a hole in it onto Bogie's collar, and then a stick with a bone dangling from it. So, of course, like the idiotical dog Bogie was –
"Idiotical isn't a real word!" Jean said from offstage.
Who gives a damn? So Bogie ran around, feeding the chickens, running past the horse, fruitlessly trying to get that stupid bone…
Meanwhile, Logan was in their ancestor's temple, praying to the ancestors. "Please help Rogue impress the ugly hag – I mean Jean – today," he prayed.
"I heard that!" Jean yelled.
"That was kinda the point," Logan muttered. Then Bogie came running in and out, and all the chickens came flying in, eating chicken feed all around Logan. "Please, please help her," Logan said. Then he got up, and -SNIKT!-
"Hey hey hey no carving up the chickens!" Trisha Lee yelled. "No hurting animals! Even Kurt!"
"Hey!" Kurt yelled. "That's an insult!"
"…What's your point?" Priscilla said, defending her sister out of sheer spite and boredness.
"Fine," Logan said, and retracted his claws. Then he went out, ignoring the stupid chickens, and nearly ran into Rogue. And the all-important teacup smashed.
"Rogue," Logan said.
"Ah brought a spare," Rogue said, reaching into her pocket, only to find…nothing. "Hey!" she said. "Where's tha stupid teacup?!"
Bobby, give Rogue the teacup.
"Fine," Bobby muttered, and handed over the other all-important teacup.
"The doctor said 3 cups in the morning, and three at night, blah blah blah," Rogue said, pouring tea.
Logan took a sip and spit it right back out. "This tastes like Half-Pint made it!"
"So?" Kitty said offstage. "Is there something wrong with it?"
"Uh…no…it's…good," Logan said, bravely drinking the rest of it down. He pulled a face looking like he had eaten a lemon whole. "Get to town, bub," he managed, then ran for his trailer.
"Uh…okay, then," Rogue said. She ran and jumped onto Charlie, then rode off to town.
…Meanwhile, In Town…
Orora was worrying like a mother hen, biting her nails. "Where is she?" she said. "I should've prayed to the Goddess – I mean, the ancestors – for luck."
"Them?" Kitty said, looking very, very, very young for a grandmother. "How lucky can they be? They're like, dead. I've got all the luck we need right here," she said, holding up Jimmy in a cute little cage. "All right," she said to Jimmy. "Now let's like, test you." And she held her hand over her eyes and stepped out into the busy street full of rickshaws and stuff…you know what they are. Well, it didn't really matter if Jimmy was lucky or not, because apparently, Kitty had forgotten that she could phase through anything in her way – which she did automatically. So she made it safely across the street, to no one's surprise at all. "This cricket's like, a lucky one!" she yelled back to Orora, who rolled her eyes.
Just then Rogue rode up with straw in her hair – which didn't really make any sense, seeing as she didn't ride through any straw to get there, jumped off the horse, tripped, and fell over. "Ah'm here!" she said, jumping back up.
"You're late," Orora said.
"But-" Rogue began.
"No time to talk," Orora said. "Let's just get this stupid song over with."
Hey, hey, don't insult the songwriters, now! So, anyway, they went into That One Building Thing, the music started, and That One Lady #1 started singing.
This is what you give me to work with?
Well, honey, I've seen worse.
We're going to turn this sow's ear
That One Lady #1 pulled off Rogue's clothes behind a screen – no looking, Remy, you pervert! – and then shoved Rogue into a tub full of water.
Into a silk purse.
"It's freezing!" Rogue said.
"It would've been warm if you were here on time," Orora said.
"Actually, it was freezing to begin with," Priscilla said. That One Lady #1 ignored everyone and kept on singing.
We'll have you washed and dried
Primped and polished till you glow with pride
Trust my recipe for instant bride
You'll bring honor to us all.
Orora grabbed Rogue's arm to scrub it – like Rogue can't do it herself – and then saw the writing. "Rogue, what's this?"
"Notes, 'cause Ah'm gonna forget!" Rogue said.
Kitty shoved Jimmy at Orora. "Like, hold this," she said. "We're like, gonna need more luck than I thought."
That One Lady #1 started singing again as they fixed Rogue's hair, and That One Lady #2 joined in.
Wait and see, when we're through
Boys will gladly go to war for you
With good fortune and a great hairdo
You'll bring honor to us all.
Rogue followed Orora out of That One Building Thing and into That Other Building Thing. For absolutely no reason, everyone in town started singing.
A girl can bring her family
Great honor in one way:
By striking a good match
Rogue stopped when she saw two old guys playing chess, then moved a piece so that the other old guy won…maybe. Whatever happened, the old guy was really happy.
And this could be the day.
Orora pulled Rogue into That Other Building Thing, where That One Lady #3 and That One Lady #4 started stuffing her into a dress and singing.
Men want girls with good taste
Calm, obedient, who work fast-paced.
With good breeding and a tiny waist
That One Lady #3 and Orora both tied a long red sash around Rogue's waist tight so that she nearly fainted and almost fell off the stool, but whatever.
You'll bring honor to us all.
And they went out of That Other Building Thing and started walking to That Last Building Thing. And, of course, all those townspeople had to start singing again.
We all must serve our Emperor
Who guards us from the Huns
A man by bearing arms
Two boys playing with wooden swords ran and stole a little doll from a little girl…mean little snots…well, anyway, Rogue, being the nice person that she is, took the doll from the boy and gave it back to the girl, even though this little bit is completely irrelevant to the plot, but is just something to do while the townspeople sing.
A girl by bearing sons.
In That Last Building Thing, That One Lady #5 and Orora sang while putting makeup on Rogue.
When we're through, you can't fail
Like a lotus blossom, soft and pale
How could any fellow say "No sale"
You'll bring honor to us all.
"There," Orora said. "You're ready."
"Like, not yet," Kitty said. "An apple for like, serenity." She shoved it into Rogue's mouth. "A pendant for like, balance." She stuffed it into Rogue's dress. Then she started singing.
Beads of jade for like, beauty
She tossed the necklace over Rogue's head and fastened it.
You must proudly show it
Now add a cricket, like, just for luck
And she tied Jimmy's cage to the back of Rogue's sash – like they thought no one could see it.
And even you can't like, blow it.
Rogue started singing on her own as she walked out of That Last Building Thing and toward The Ugly Hag's – I mean, Jean's – house…thing…whatever.
Ancestors, hear mah plea
Help me not tah make a fool of me
And to not uproot mah family tree
Keep mah father standing tall.
"I can stand just fine, thank you very much," Logan growled offstage.
"It's an expression…thing…concerning your honor and dignity," Priscilla said.
Orora ran after Rogue to give her the semi-important parasol, and then Rogue had to start running to catch up with the rest of the girls. And, of course, the townspeople stated singing…again.
Scarier than The Undertaker
We are meeting our Matchmaker
Destiny, guard our girls
And our future as it fast unfurls
Please look kindly on these cultured pearls
Each a perfect porcelain doll.
The Bride Candidates sang on without Rogue, who wasn't really paying that much attention, anyway.
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us
Please bring honor to us
They stopped that bit right before Rogue could sing her part, which was pretty rude, but whatever.
Please bring honor to us all!
And with a bit musical flourish and opening their parasols and hiding behind them, they all lined up in front of The Ugly Hag's…er, Jean's…house. And the song finally ended 3 pages after it started. What's with this 3 pages thing?
Okay, that's it for now! This is actually a lot longer than I usually write, too. 8 pages! Wow! That's long for me! Well, whaddya think so far? Good? Bad? Well, please review!