AN: As I've said time and time again, I should NOT be starting a new fiction. But after lurking about for some good Naruto fictions that I've not read, I nearly pulled my hair out at some of the stories posted on here. From badly written self-inserts to OCXNaruto-Character pairings to summaries that just make you NOT want to click on the link and then finally to poorly written works or sick stuff like incest, rape, etc. I'm not a fan of incest or rape in the slightest because I know people who've been victims of both and it's not funny nor is it appealing. It's just sick. Forgive my miniature rant but I just needed to get that out of my system before I post this fiction.
Anyway, this fiction was a spawn of boredom, late-night hours, radiation from my laptop screen, crying from my unfruitful search for good fics and silly putty. Yes, silly putty. A bash to all those horrible Mary-Sue's, self-inserts, hideous plots with loopholes the size of Texas and the ruining of canon characters via pointless OOC-ness.
Now, when I was a starting writer, I didn't know the "laws" of fanfiction writing, but I could use common sense. This is to all those horribly written fanfictions out there from those of us with a brain. Enjoy!
A Mary-Sue Just For You!
Liek, Teh First Chapter.
It was just a normal day for a girl named Fred. She had just came home from school, a horrid place where nobody really liked her or understood her or knew that she even existed. She was in the middle of popping a zit in front of the bathroom mirror when she found herself falling...
And she hit the bathroom floor with a loud crash.
After disentangling herself from the toilet-bowl scrub-brush, the towel rack, and a shelf of hair-care products, Fred emerged from the bathroom pulling cue-tips out of her hair. Sighing to herself dramatically, a pout on her not-so-pretty features, she opened up the cabinet and fumbled around for something to eat.
Ah! In the very back was an old cup of instant ramen. Immediately Fred thought of Naruto, her favourite anime obsession, what with all the cute pre-pubescent boys cutting each other up with pointy objects. A giggle escaped her lips as she pulled open the lid (which was faded to yellow) and turned the water on.
And as soon as the water hit the dried noodles, there was a FOOMPH! And Fred found herself falling again...
It was just a normal day for Hatake Kakashi when all of the sudden the skies opened up and spat out a teenage girl into his arms. He blinked, trying to remember when he ordered take-out. The girl looked up at him with beautiful purple eyes, long eyelashes fluttering as she tried to figure out where she was. Then, when she saw who was holding her, she blinked, squealed and immediately attached herself to Kakashi, screaming something to the effect of "OMGWTFBBQ I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN!"
And as Kakashi was trying to pry the girl off his leg with a crowbar, his thoughts ran along the line of "Oh God, I've died and gone to the depths of hell."
Tsunade was looking over paperwork. Wait, scratch that. Tsunade had paperwork out on her desk but it was not priority. Her current interest was the stack of scratch cards in her hands. One of these had to be the lucky one. She just knew it.
Of course, her quest for money was interrupted when Kakashi came barging into the office, steam emitting from his ears and his clothes in tangles. And if she wasn't imagining it, she could have swore there was lipstick on Kakashi's mask and he smelled faintly of lilacs, plumeria, raspberries, apples, pine needles, garlic, herbal essences and burnt rubber. She blinked, wondering how she distinguished all those scents apart, but shrugged it off, figuring it was merely a hokage trait.
"And to what do I owe this dramatic entrance, Kakashi?" She inquired, sliding her scratch cards under a stack of genin IQ tests.
Kakashi seemed out of breath. He inhaled deeply before grounding out, "I need something surgically removed."
Tsunade arched a brow, motioning for him to go on. Sucking up his pride, Kakashi turned around, and pointed to the clinging girl attached to his ass. "GET IT OFF OF ME."
Tsunade gasped, standing up. "You brought it in here?! You know the protocol! Dear God, I'm going to need this entire place quarantined and sanitized!"
Punching some buttons on her intercom, Tsunade shouted, "Get me two squads of ANBU in here! We got a code pink emergency!"
There was sputtering on the other line before someone squeaked out an OK. Outside, an alarm sounded through Konoha. Screams were heard and slams as people began boarding up their houses, locking the good-looking boys and men in their rooms, each with a sniper rifle and a katana specifically used for committing seppuku.
And just as Kakashi was experiencing his own "1000 Years of Pain", there was a blinding flash, that signaled a plothole was about to take place.
Waiting some more...
Go ahead and take a bathroom break...
Everyone blinked, finding out that 16 hours had passed, Tsunade had missed the latest episode of Desperate Housewives and Kakashi was in the hospital, diagnosed with suffering from a severe case of hemorrhoids.
What they didn't know was they had been brainwashed and now the only memory of the little girl named Fred was that she was an adorable girl who looked so frail and that she needed to be protected because Akatsuki and Orochimaru wanted her for only God knows what. Wait, that wasn't a memory. That was just complete bullshit.
Ah, well. It gets the point across.
Fred was wandering around, looking at all the shops---wait. Fred. Teenage girl from Fangirl land. Wants to hump Kakashi's leg. OK, let's do the calculations. Calculators...! Fred plus Teenage girl plusFangirl Landmultiplied byKakashi's Leg equals: Error. Calculator Cannot Comprehend.
Err, yes. Fred was looking for sexy pre-teen genins and their post-20's instructors. Surely they wouldn't be too hard to find. After all Konoha didn't look so big in the anime....
Though she wasn't thinking this after 26 streets, 45 buildings and one partridge in a pear tree.
She sighed and looked down right before she collided with someone, sending her falling on her butt. She looked up, and lo and behold, there stood Hyuuga Neji, his long hair blowing in the wind that was not present, his silver eyes shining under the moonlight of lunch hour and such flawless skin that one could come to only one conclusion.
His scowl suddenly melted as he looked into the cerulean blue eyes of the girl sitting below him, sprawled out like a whore at a brothel. Giving the Hyuuga Trademark Smile (TM), he scooped her up in his arms, twirled around three times and then set her down. "Are you all right? Did my manly physique and broad chest with a six-pack as hard as rock hurt you when you collided into me like the clumsy fool you are? Should I frisk you for broken bones?"
She was about to reply when suddenly there was an explosion as a giant killer rabbit summon began to ransack the village. Neji pushed Fred behind him as he prepared to fight. Yet, somehow, he was knocked unconscious when the rabbit glared at him. Alone and in the path of the deadly creature, Fred trembled, hands coming up to her face. What was she to do? Little Ol' Fred...
Glancing over at Neji, she sniffled, and then remembered that she was from Fangirl land. And you know what this means?
She stomped in front of the rabbit, put her hands on her hips and narrowed her onyx-colored eyes, pretty pink and purple chakra with sparkles swirling around her. "I won't back down! That is my ninja way, dattebayo!"
OMG A CLIFFHANGER!!!
To be continued...!
AN: Now that I think about it, I should've added some more fangirl Japanese... but eh, I'm too lazy to go back and insert it. So far it's as cheesy as I'd like to be, but mebbe I can fix it later.
It's going to get worse and more typical Mary-Sueish but I wanna work on my other fics that are in dire need of updating. And I'm gonna make it strictly anime-based since a lot of the MS fics I seem to find, the writers are only familiar with the anime (normally dubbed if available). I have nothing wrong with the anime; it's really good, but I'm a big manga fan myself.
Anyway, reviews are appreciated. If you wanna see something stupid happen, lemme know and I might be able to work it in.
Always a pleasure,