Title: If someone can give me one, I'll be eternally grateful.
Disclaimer: Nothing you recognise is mine.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: D/Hr (eventually), H/G
Feedback: Please!
A/N: Just ignore the fact that wizards don't use email. Pretend they do! Yay!
Dear Miss. Granger,
Thank you for joining 'Lonely Hearts Anonymous.' As requested, your penname shall be 'Curlz.' A small feature about you shall be made in the next issue of our magazine, and any letters to you shall be owled to us, and we will forward them to you. If you wish to send a letter to someone else, just send it to us with his or her penname on the front. Thank you, and good luck finding your perfect match!
Yours sincerely,
G. Lockhart
Founder of Lonely Hearts Anonymous
To: Herm
From: Ginny
Subject: LHA
Oh my god! You're a member of Lonely Hearts Anonymous? Don't you know having a penname is supposed to keep your identity secret, so no one can find out about your shameful membership? Everyone who went to Hogwarts is going to know it's you! Nobody else would say their favourite book is Hogwarts: A History! Nobody!
You are so screwed.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: LHA
You are so screwed.
Thank you for that lovely vote of confidence. And besides, why are you reading LHA, little miss Potter-to-be?
To: Herm
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: LHA
Ron gets it. Harry and I went to see him this morning.
He's growing a beard-it's awful.
To: Harry
From: Ron
Subject: Beard
Was Ginny right? Is my beard awful?
It doesn't really make me look like a shepherd, does it?
To: Ron
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Beard
It made you look as though you had a mane, and, according to Gin, lion's are last year.
As for the shepherd thing, I have no idea. As Ginny ever seen a shepherd?
Dear Curlz,
Having read your details in the latest issue of Lonely Hearts Anonymous, I think you must be a simply fascinating person to know.
If you have issue #32 of Lonely Hearts, you will find all my details. My pseudonym is Coldasice.
Yours,
Cold.
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Letter!
I've had a letter already! Clearly somebody at LHA didn't go to Hogwarts. I've attached a scan of it to you.
And a beard? Seriously?
To: Herm
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Letter!
Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Most of the alumni from Hogwarts that you know were all sex obsessed. You're probably the only one not getting any these days.
Well, apart from Ron.
Unless it's a Slytherin. They wouldn't know anything about you, and some of them were incredibly ugly (except Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini-they were, like, sex on legs.)
I bet you it's Crabbe or Goyle. Although, the tone of letter says Percy, actually. I mean, 'Having read', 'simply fascinating', 'pseudonym?' Who talks like that?
And, yes, a beard. Not as long as Dumbledore's yet, but you could probably hide a chicken drumstick in there by now.
To: Entire Ministry
From: H. Potter
Subject: Ron Weasley
Ron Weasley, who is currently on sick leave (stress from doing absolutely nothing, apparently), but used to work as an auror with me, would like me to ask you a question.
For those of you who have seen it: Is his beard weird?
Please send all replies to his email address (this can be found in the Ministry address book), as I have no interest in your opinions myself.
Thank you.
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Aaaw!
It is so sweet of you to do that for my brother!
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Letter
Draco Malfoy? Blaise Zabini? Ginny, I am shocked. What will Harry say about these little fantasies?
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Letter
Who said they were fantasies?
To: Ginny
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Aaaw!
Is it?
…Can we discuss my bathroom fantasy now?
To: Harry
From: Ron
Subject: GET ME A RAZOR!
Everyone hates my beard! HELP ME, HARRY!
Coolasice,
Thanks for your letter. I have to admit, I was a little afraid that I wouldn't get any letters at all, and if I did, that they would be from 60 year old perverts.
I don't really have much else to say. I've never been much of a conversationalist-unless, of course, I'm bossing someone around or teaching them something-so I'm just going to end it here.
I would love to hear from you again.
Curlz
To: Harry
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Aaaw!
NO!
To: Ginny
From: Hermione
Subject: Re: Letter
…You're kidding, right?
If not, then…tell me more.
To: Ginny
From: H. Potter
Subject: Re: Aaaw!
Fine. Maybe I'll accidentally forget to buy new handcuffs on the way home…
To: Hermione
From: Ginny
Subject: Re: Letter
I'm kidding, you dirty thing. Why do you want to know about my sexual encounters, anyway?
Although, speaking of sexual encounters…remember how I was telling you about the handcuff incident? Well, Harry is threatening not to buy any new (stronger) ones! Just because I won't do that thing in the bathroom. This is blackmail!
Wait…you don't have any handcuffs, do you?
From: Hermione
To: Ginny
Subject: Re: Letter
What is the point of someone as sexually deprived as me having handcuffs?
From: H. Potter
To: Ron
Subject: Re: GET ME A RAZOR!
Ron, calm down. Besides, you have a razor, don't you?
Anyway, I'll come round to yours tonight with one.
From: Hermione
To: Ginny
Subject!
Shit! Gin, Draco Malfoy just walked into my office. He's wearing leather trousers.
Oh, fuck.
From: Ginny
To: Hermione
Subject: Re!
I would speak to you about your language, but there is a more important issue at hand: WHAT IS DRACO MALFOY DOING IN YOUR OFFICE?
What is he doing indeed? Will Ginny do the thing in the bathroom? What is the thing in the bathroom? Will Ron shave his beard? Find out next time in…this fic that really needs a name! If any one can come up with one, leave it in your review (because you are going to review, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?)