Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed
Little Voices in My Head
Everyone has secrets to keep. And Fllay Allaster knows them all.
They cry out to her as she brushes against shoulders, their little fearful voices attacking her senses, making her want to scream.
Maybe she can hear them because she was so close to death before. She could almost feel her father stroking her face one last time before he was called into heaven. Maybe she knows how to look past what people want her to see.
Or maybe she's psychotic. That works, too. After all, the insane look deeper into people. That was why they were insane. They see the things that people don't want them to see and sometimes that isn't a good thing.
Either way Fllay's stuck here, listening to people's secrets as they play inside their heads, unable to share them with others. She's their silent guardian and they don't even know it. She could destroy their lives with the secrets they whisper into her mind, but she keeps them silent.
She wouldn't tell anyone those secrets. She knows she's done evil and perhaps this is, in some small way, her redemption for it. By keeping those sacred secrets. If they want them to be known then they would say them.
Fllay thinks people worry too much about the material things. She knows she does. She wants to push it away, to start over. But she can't. Every time she has hope for happiness her father flashes in her mind and all she can think about is the fire that destroyed him.
But she can't forgive the Coordinators; forgiveness is not in her nature. She will carry the grudge around, knowing it will only bring her down but unsure of how to rid herself of it. There is nothing Fllay Allaster can do but work with it, twist it so it benefits her.
She knows what they think about her. She hears that too. Somehow she has become entwined with their secrets, shaping their very destinies. Maybe she's happy about that, maybe she likes knowing that a part of her will always linger on in their memories because she did exist and because she did hate and because she could not forgive.
Kira Yamato, the Coordinator she needs to extract her revenge, isn't as innocent as people assume. She knows every time he looks at her he isn't thinking about how to protect her and the Archangel. No, he's thinking about the night they had together and the way her legs feel wrapped around his waist. And he wants to feel it again.
He's ashamed, she hears that too. Kira doesn't think that's how a boyfriend should feel about his girl. He thinks that if she knew then she'd be upset, angry with him and she's already so unstable. He worries.
Fllay wants to smile at him and pat his hand and tell him what they have really can't be anything because while the sex was great it was, in the end, about vengeance. She wants to tell him it's alright to use her to release his pain because she was the one giving it to him. It was turnabout… and it was fair play.
The nice, blonde lieutenant looks at the pretty, short Captain and his thoughts all but scream to Fllay. He thinks how nice the Captain's hair would look thrown against his pillow and how exotic her marigold eyes would be darkened with lust and love. Then the blonde lieutenant is upset because he remembers the Captain is pinning for another. It doesn't show on his face, even when he is close enough to touch the Captain, but it hits Fllay in the stomach and almost causes her to double over with pain.
She wants to tell him that she understands. She knows what it's like to pin after the unattainable. She pinned after Kira, afraid to have him because he seemed so out of place in her world and he was a Coordinator and Coordinators were bad, bad, bad. Now she has him and it's dirty. It's just two people needing different things and using each other to get it. It makes her hurt and she's even colder to Coordinators. It is her own doing, but Kira's hands are not clean. He could have pulled away that night and the plan would have never taken off.
Now it's too late.
The pretty, short Captain looks at the lieutenant and admires the way his muscles ripple in his spacesuit. She wonders if it would be improper of her to reach out and touch them because she's oh-so curious about them. Do they feel as hard as they look? Do they taste like the exotic shampoo he wears? She wants know. She's upset that she would think that because everyone knows the lieutenant is a playboy and what would he want to do with a little thing like her?
It's ironic how those two dance around each other and Fllay could be able to scrunch up enough pity to give them some advice if not for the third wheel. The third voice in the little group always has her hanging back.
The dark-haired, dark-eyed combat commander always hanging back from the captain and the lieutenant. She's jealous, her whole body trembles with it. Her face never shows it, but Fllay hears the screams of rage and loss whenever she looks at her. It makes her head spin just thinking about. The tough combat commander is afraid. Afraid to lose what she'll never have, afraid to admit she wants it, afraid that it's wrong and bad and people would hate her for the feelings.
But she's not jealous because the captain has the lieutenant. No. The lieutenant has the captain and she's mad. It confuses Fllay at first, but really love knows no bounds so is it surprising? Of course not. The combat commander's emotions are torn between hating the lieutenant and loving the captain. She feels warm liquid in her stomach whenever she talks to the captain and those marigold eyes are on her, but it turns to iron in her stomach when the captain laughs with the lieutenant.
Fllay does not want to be involved. Those three are so twisted around that Fllay does not think it can ever be solved. Death is the easiest solution, but Fllay does not suggest it. No, that would be mean. Fllay is cruel and harsh and cold, but she is not mean.
The blonde girl from the desert hates her, Fllay can feel it and it relieves her. That emotion is straightforward, not all twisted around like the others. Hate is a simple thing to understand and Fllay knows it well. At the same time she hates the girl, too. She has a connection to Kira, she can understand him without trying. Not because she might love him but simply because she can. Fllay has never felt that way for anyone and she is jealous. She wants to understand Kira because she was meant to. She wants to be with him, but for real.
Kira is a sweet boy and he will be hurt. Fllay just wishes it wasn't her that would do the hurting.
But now the blonde girl's different. There's a new emotion rolling off her that Fllay finds bewildering. A secret that she cannot unlock, perhaps because the girl herself does not understand it. Fllay can only hear what the mind knows, not what the heart feels. But she sees flashes. A man with dark hair and a calm face, confused like Fllay, but smiling gently. And the warmth the image brings slips into Fllay's stomach. The dark-haired boy might draw the girl away from Kira who needs her more, but Fllay does not care. The feeling is wonderful the desert girl deserves it at least.
Everyone has secrets to keep. And Fllay Allaster knows them all. They glide across her skin and slip into her mind and if she is not careful she will lose herself in them.
She knows Sai is worried that she might be just a little insane and that Miriallia doesn't know if she loves her boyfriend anymore. She knows what they think about in the sanctity of their minds and she knows they'll be mad if they know she listens. So she does not tell them even though she wants to.
But Fllay does not know what she thinks. Her own mind is a mystery. She does not think about what she does, she just does. She twists Kira around her finger and shuts out the guilt. She looks into the face of Sai and hurts him and ignores the remorse. She hates the desert blonde girl and blocks away the kinship. She does not help the captain, lieutenant, and combat commander and pretends she does not know about their triangle. She hates the Coordinators and does not care why.
It takes a village to raise a child, but it only takes one person to destroy her. Fllay does not admit to herself that that person was her father.
And Fllay is the secret keeper, she knows more than anyone realizes. She is connected deeper then she knows. She is a part of the war she hates, she is tied to every Coordinators' fate. The power of God in her palm. All she can do is see what is before her and block everything else out.
Everyone has secrets to keep. And Fllay Allaster knows them all.
She wishes she didn't.
Word Count: 1592
Time: twenty minutes
Beta: Beta… is that something you eat?
Couples: implied Fllay/Kira, Cagalli/Athrun, Mwu/Maryu, and one-side Natarle/Maryu
Genre: angst, supernatural
Status: one-shot (complete)
Author: Lizzy Rebel
Characters/Style: Fllay, reflective piece
Notes: Okay, I have no idea where that came from. It just wouldn't go away until I wrote it down. Yeah, its plot-less and probably a product of my mad Fllay love. I'll probably have another one-shot posted soon. This one based on the one-sided Natarle/Maryu coupling. Dun know why, but I really like the idea of Natarle being in love with Maryu and Maryu being in love with Mwu and Mwu being in love with Maryu. It's such a nifty little triangle.