Disclaimer: Not mine. Totally. Rating: R.
Set: Season 8, pre-Gemini.
Pairing: erm... Sam/Jack Notes: Full explanation at the bottom. Although, this entire thing can be blamed on Jara, Liz, and Ryuu.

The Light and the Glory: The Life of Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis by ALC Punk!

She has always been there, lurking in the shadows. If she turned sideways, she could be seen.

It has been one of those years.

Time to turn sideways again.

--

"Unauthorized off-world activation!" The klaxons were alive with the sound of alarm.

"Report." General Jack O'Neill almost exuded calm as he stepped to the front of the control room and peered down into the gateroom over Sergeant Walter Harriman's shoulder.

"Someone's dialing in, sir."

"Why isn't the iris up?"

"It appears to be malfunctioning, general."

The general leaned forwards and spoke into the microphone, "Extra security to the gateroom! I repeat, extra security --"

With a fizzle, the lights died, the alarms stopped, and the microphone cut off. All that remained for illumination was the eerie blue glow of the wormhole. And something else. For just a moment, the general could swear he saw a glowing squid. Then the image shattered, and the gate moved outwards, disgorging a traveler.

Immediately, power returned, as the woman on the ramp threw back her long red-black-brown hair and shrieked in musical tones, "Close the iris!"

Harriman didn't wait for the general to agree. Besides, there were staff blasts slamming into the gateroom.

The iris slid closed.

"Get SG-1 here, Sergeant."

"Yes, sir." He flicked the microphone on, "SG-1 to the control room!"

"I'm here, sir." Lieutenant colonel Samantha Carter nodded towards the surrounded woman. "Any ideas?"

"I was hoping you could tell me, Carter."

"Well, sir, she looks unfamiliar."

"Huh." Dr. Daniel Jackson peered over Sam's shoulder. "She looks kind of familiar."

"Well, let's go ask her, then." The general led the way, Teal'c (the ex-first prime of Apophis and de facto leader of the rebel jaffa) falling into step behind Daniel and Sam.

As they approached her, they all got a good look. There was dirt on her face and ground into her clothing, but there was also intelligence in her eyes, and a proud set to her shoulders. She seemed unconcerned about the guns being pointed at her, and spotting SG-1 made her smile sweetly.

"I don't believe it..." Sam said, then she gasped, "Aurelia!"

"Maria?" Jack sounded disturbed.

Daniel was next, gaping even as he whispered, "Susanna?"

It really was a surprise to them all to see Teal'c bow deeply and almost smile. "Calar."

A chuckle echoed in the gateroom. "That's my name, don't wear it out."

--

The general was staring at his three best people, they'd moved to the upstairs conference room, leaving the woman guarded by nearly 50 SFs. "So, let me get this straight. You know Maria?"

Carter shrugged, still looking slightly disturbed, "Aurelia was my roommate at the Academy, sir."

"Susanna," Daniel paused, smiling softly, "She was my tutor at Oxford. Scared the pants off half of us, made the rest love her until we hated her...."

"T?"

"I knew Calar nearly 60 of your years ago. She was a friend of my father's, a priestess of Amaunet."

"Sir," colonel Carter eyed him, "How do you know Aurelia?"

He shifted, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

"Wow, you still haven't stopped using that line, Jack?" The room seemed to almost twist as Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis stepped into it and smirked at them all.

"Maria."

"Sam, Daniel, Teal'c. Long time no see." She paused and looked around, tossing her long blonde hair over one shoulder, "Although I can see why. So this is the famous StarGate Command."

"Look, I don't know who you really are, but the woman you claim to be --"

She cut the general off with a handwave. "Don't be silly, Jack, it's me. And you each know me by a separate name." She paused and then smiled, "I am Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis. And I bid you good day."

"Who are you, and why are you here?"

"I have said who I am. And I'm here to save the universe." She smiled sweetly, "And to make sure that true love follows its course."

"Uh, true love?" Daniel asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yes. You and Jack, Daniel. Your passion for life and each other has reached me, even in the ether. And so I have come to tell you, ignore the chains of convention, break free from the rules! Embrace one another."

Maybe it was the sickly-sweet smile on her lips. The general glanced at the archeologist. "Daniel, there somethin' you ain't told me?"

"Uh, no, Jack." Pushing his glasses up, Daniel shifted and stared at Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis. "I'm afraid you've got it wrong, Susanna."

"Oh." She pouted. "Are you sure?"

"You know what? This is now a non-issue." Jack stood and leaned over colonel Carter, "Hey. Y'know that room you wanted to leave everything in?"

"Sir?"

"Fuck the room."

"Sir, I --"

"Carter." His hands closed on her shoulders, "Tell Pete to find some lube. I want to sex you up."

The startled lieutenant colonel stared at him. "I think, sir, that --"

"No, no, NO!" Stamping her foot, Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis stalked towards them (and through the table). "This is NOT supposed to be how it happens!"

"Think of it this way, Carter. You're saving me from having sex with Daniel."

"Gosh, sir."

"Shut up." And then he kissed her.

"Sir?"

The colonel and general were oblivious to the arrival of Sergeant Walter Davis Harriman (who had almost as many names as Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis). He was holding a tea tray, with muffins and coffee.

"Oh!" Shaken from her depression over the destruction of one of her plans, Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis clapped her hands. "How VERY kind of you. Daniel, you pour while I tell you how SG-1's next three missions are going to go. And Teal'c, would you mind giving me a backrub?"

"Indeed." The jaffa smiled genially at her and placed his hands to either side of her throat.

"Muffin?"

"Daniel, would you be a dear and make sure it's a lo-carb, sugar-free, lite, lemon-scented, poppy-seed bran muffin?"

"Uh..." The poor man floundered for a moment, then recovered, "I've just remembered. That's the only kind the mess hall makes now. Dr. Brightman instituted a new dietary regime." He handed one to her along with a cup and saucer. "I assumed you wanted lemon and no sugar."

"Ah, how well you remember." She smiled sweetly at him and sipped. "Mm. Just right."

They ate and chatted companionably for a quarter hour. Until Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis suddenly paused, looking puzzled. And then she began to gasp for breath, and turn blue.

By the time Dr. Brightman and her medical team arrived, Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis, was blue and dead, her eyes glassy. Poking around the woman's mouth, Brightman held up a lump of muffin.

"Well," said Daniel, taking off his glasses and rubbing them clean. "I suppose if she had to go, at least she went with a smile."

Meanwhile, the colonel and the general had disappeared from the base and headed for Vegas.

-f-

Author's Note: The following is an excerpt from the e-mail I sent this afternoon, demanding amusement...

"Or I might, y'know, be reduced to writing a Stargate Mary Sue.

I can see it now. Aurelia Maria Susanna Calarionsis is a member of an Ancient Race sent to our galaxy to stop the spread of the goa'uld....

Daniel, Jack, Teal'c, Sam, and even Pete fall heavily for her.

She's Sam's best friend from kindergarten. She's Jack's ex-2IC from his special ops days. She was Daniel's mentor and tutor at Oxford. And she knew Teal'c's father.

Who will marry whom? Will they all sex AuryMarySue?

WHO. Can. Telll.?

dunh"

As you can see, the end result contains little sex. Sorry.