Chapter 26

"You do know that this is non-alcoholic alcohol, right?"

"…WHAT did you say?" Vash exclaimed, suddenly sitting straight up in his chair.

Meryl closed her eyes and muttered, "Someone…please…just kill me now."

"I'd love to." Knives said matter-of-factly, sipping away at non-alcoholic beer in a wine glass.

… …

… …

… …

Grand Finale

… …

… …

… …

Meryl was dying from the embarrassment—the words she had uttered to Vash so "drunkenly" haunted her. Knives was wallowing in the groups suffering and confusion, and what was to him, a quite hilarious situation. Vash was dumbstruck as usual—he too thought that he had been drunk. But then, He realized that if it had been real alcohol, he would have been throwing up all over the place. Milly's eyes bubbled with tears. She wanted some real alcohol damn-it!

Vash sighed and looked over at Meryl who was twitching all over the place in a nervous breakdown.

"Um…Meryl?" Vash questioned, smiling a friendly smile.

"UmI'veGotToGoooooo!" Meryl spit out and she high-tailed it to the nearest bathroom.

Milly watched Meryl before her eyes got really wide. "Wait, Meryl!" Milly yelled as she ran to the bathroom as well, "IneedGoPeeeeeeeeeeeeToooooooooooooo!"

Knives twitched slightly and scratched at his ear, looking over at Vash in an unamused manner and narrowed eyes.

"The large female is quite shrill on the ears," Knives frowned, "It seems her brain makes no distinction between real and fake alcohol….ah…huh?"

Knives blinked.

Vash was gone from his chair, yet it was spinning around.

Knives grunted as he saw Vash in the distance gripping himself in an unseemly manner as he danced along in a hurried attempt to make it to the men's room.

"He makes fools of our species," Knives sighed in an aggravated manner, "I'll have to be sure and kill him once he's done spreading several generations of genetic material all over the planet."

Knives pondered a moment, "Hmmm…no…" Knives smiled, "I could just cut out his tongue…"

Knives grunted as he saw Vash in the distance chatting loudly with a group of old men exiting the bathroom.

But, then, something caught his eye—a newspaper on the table, that had a very interesting advertisement.

"Milly! Hurry up, we've got to go!" Meryl waited impatiently in front of the bathroom mirror.

"…" Milly replied finally, "Uh huh…"

Meryl took a long look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was in a mess and her face looked weary and tired. Meryl blinked a few times and poked her face.

"Is this the face of someone that he could fall in love with?" Meryl mumbled.


"Gah!" Meryl yelped as she heard Milly's resounding voice and a toilet flushing.

"You've just got to get his attention," Milly quipped happily, leaning down to Meryl, where she could see her face at eye level, looking into the mirror, "Vash may be different, and more intelligent than a human…"

"…allegedly—" Meryl managed to get in one sarcastic remark.

"…but he's still a man!" Milly patted Meryl on the back a little too enthusiastically, and Meryl shot her a glance that she did not see before gazing into the mirror again, "And as a man, Vash is as dense as a brick."

Meryl blinked and looked in the mirror, "That man…that idiot…" Meryl smiled.

Milly smiled, "You've just got to do something so obvious that he can't miss it."

Meryl decided to give up trying to hide her feelings about Vash from Milly, after her crazy outburst earlier, the entire Old Folk's Home must know that some crazy broad wants the mighty Vash the Stampede to "Give her his babies."

Meryl sighed, "What should I do?"

Milly pondered a moment.

"You could always flash your breasts at him!" Milly smiled.

"WHAT?" Meryl was shocked that Milly would say such a thing.

Milly was oblivious to Meryl's shock, "Yeah, that always worked real well back in my hometown when they celebrated Maid-ee-Graw…which was a celebration handed down from earth or something in which we played Old Maid a lot and got free ice cream and cake tossed at us by cute boys that rode on Thomases who had their faces painted and marched down the main road in town…"

Meryl gaped at her.

"…but then one time I made the mistake of lifting my shirt at my little-big brother who was in the parade, and my big-big sister and my little-big sister caught me and my mother was very upset with me and..and…

Meryl sighed, "And?"

"They wouldn't let me eat ice cream or cake for a month!" Milly sniffled as her big eyes filled with tears.

Meryl was about to comfort Milly, when suddenly she sucked up her tears and started smiling.

"Plus…Wolfwood always loved it when I—"

Meryl's blood vessel on her forehead was about to pop and she slapped a hand over Milly's trap, "What did I tell you about telling me stories about you and Wolfwood's bedroom antics?"


"What?" Vash asked casually, as he strolled back over to the table that Knives was sitting at.

"I grow tired of the company of these pathetic creatures."


"I want to take a nap."





"I've been meaning to ask you…"


"Why is it that you have been wearing a fluffy pink bathrobe with bunny slippers, instead of pajamas like everyone else?"

Knives fumed, "Because, I was wearing the clothes you brought me in, until I was…so rudely…bathed…in which I was stripped of my clothing, and left only with my underpants and…with…with this."

Snicker. Snicker. Snicker.

"Stop it, Vash! I mean it!"

Snicker. "I…um," Vash was trying desperately not to laugh, "I'll take you by the front desk before we head back to our room."

Snicker. Snicker. Snicker.



They had almost made it out of the bathroom when Milly started to whine.

"My tummy hurts…" Milly clutched her stomach.

"Milly?" Meryl looked at her friend with concern, "What's wrong, Milly?"

"I…think," Milly gulped, "I…think I drank too much."

Meryl blinked.

"I gotta throw up…"

Milly rushed to a stall to do so.

"But…" Meryl pondered, "That doesn't make sense…it was non-alcoholic alcohol!"

Blech. Bleeeeeeh. Bluuuuuuh.

"I…think I'll wait outside."

Meryl walked outside, and was surprised to find that Vash and Knives were gone. She waited a few minutes outside the bathroom before figuring that they had gone back to Vash's room.

Soon Milly appeared—a tad green in the face, but feeling better.

After a few moments, they were on their way, Meryl figured that they could all use a rest in Vash's room.

As they rounded the walls of hall 3, they were met by a few Thomases still being herded out of the building by nurses.

They were somewhat surprised to find that during their several hours of incapacitation at the hands of wild partying—if it could be even called that—the gaping holes in the walls around the Old Folk's Home, left by the Thomases had been mostly plugged up with temporary boards, quick dry foam, and plaster—including the huge gaps in the walls of Vash's room.

As they opened the door they heard raised voices—the tail end of a conversation.

"I…snicker…haha…I'm sorry Knives, that was the only…snicker…one they had left!"

Several more rounds of muffled laughter were heard as well as a rising growl.

Meryl opened the door to see quite a sight.

Knives on one bed—Vash on the other, and Knives…Knives…what was he wearing?

"Uh, Hey Meryl!" Vash waved.

"Hmph." Knives grunted.

"Oooooooooooo!" Milly exclaimed in fascination as the walked over to where Knives sat.

"Begone, human female!" Knives growled and threatened her with a spray can of Raid.

Vash blinked, "Knives, where did you even get that?"

"Oh, Mr. Vash's Brother!" Milly smiled, "Those are such precious pajamas!"

Meryl smiled slyly, feeling that Knives was up for some sweet revenge for that kissing dare he made.

"Love the shiny purple 'jammies with red polka dotted love hearts, Knives." Meryl smiled evilly.

Knives grunted and pulled the bed sheets over himself so that they couldn't ogle at him.

Suddenly, Knives remembered the newspaper clip that he had saved that he had stuffed in his slippers.

Meryl was once again speaking to Milly about how Milly was doing when Knives interrupted the group.

"Attention, filthy vermin, and brain deficient sibling!"

Meryl rolled her eyes, Milly smiled, and Vash frowned slightly.

"Dear, Vash," Knives said creepily as he handed his brother the ad clip from the newspaper, "I do believe I have found the answer to my plan, the salad to my fork, the Thomas to his rider, the Legato to its ice cream."


"Just read it." Knives rubbed his temples in frustration.

Vash looked at the newspaper piece and blinked.

Meryl and Milly watched Vash with curiosity.

And in the most slow and monotone voice, Vash began to read the advertisement.

"Ahem, 'Are you having man trouble? Can you not find a suitable husband? Do you want to settle down and have lots of wonderful children but cannot find a suitable mate? Is your mate impotent? Has your husband gotten into a gunfight which has left him with a free vasectomy? Is medication not an option? Are you at the end of your rope? If you answered yes to any of these questions, come on down to Dan's blowout sale at the Gunsmoke Sperm-bank of Gunsmoke!' Uh?"

Vash blinked, "What does this have to do with—"

"Read the end of it!" Knives corrected.

"Ahem, 'male volunteers are welcome, encouraged even, especially intelligent, famous, or semi-famous specimens'."

"Um, Knives," Vash had a worried look as he began to put 2 and 2 together, "You're not thinking—"

Vash looked over at Knives who was nodding his head evilly, and then glanced over at Meryl and Milly who had some quite strange expressions on their faces after listening to what Vash read.

"See, Vash," Knives began triumphantly, "This would be much easier than you having to chase down every female on the planet. All you have to do is drop a load off at the Sperm-bank, and let them put out an advertisement to the human female population that the famous, elusive, amazing Vash the Stampede's goods are available for purchase, and the females will flock to the place just to get in line."

Vash was almost smiling as it seemed that Knives was complementing his brother—that is until Meryl spoke up.

"Are you talking about this Vash the Stampede?" Meryl said in disbelief as she pointed to poor Vash, "This guy here. This man? Women, flocking to Vash—the man who can't even get a date?"

Vash frowned, looking hurt by Meryl's words.

"Meryl," Milly called softly in the background trying to get her attention.

"The man who I've seen turned down by a dozen women just on our travels together?" Including me.

"Um, Meryl?" Milly looked ill.

"You must be joking!" Meryl growled at Knives, who narrowed his eyes at her.

"Besides, I'll never let anyone have him, but me!" Knives raised an eyebrow as the words came out of Meryl's mouth. "!" Did I just say that out loud?

"Meryl!" Milly yelled in pain as she fell on the bed.

"Milly!" Meryl forgot her words and herself as she asked Milly what was wrong.

"Meryl," Milly began, "I think…I think…"

"Is she gonna hurl?" Vash asked, concerned.

"I…think I'm pregnant."

"You bastard!" Meryl, without another thought, jumps to extreme conclusions and slaps Vash hard across his face.

"Ow!" Vash yelped.

"Good going, Vash!" Knives exclaimed in excitement, which of course spurred Meryl on.

"You bastard!" Meryl slaps him again.

"Ow, ow, ow…I didn't do nothing!" Vash yelled.

Meryl growled at him. Milly was trying to say something but was too weak.

"Actually, Vash," Knives began, "By using a double negative, of 'didn't' and 'nothing' in combination, you are in fact saying that you did do something."

"You bastard!"

This time Vash caught her hand, and looked at her sternly, his face aching, "Little insurance girl, you sure do carry a lot of anger within that tiny stature of yours…"

"Meryl," Milly managed in a whisper something that only the three of them could hear, "Meryl, don't be mean to poor Mr. Vash, it's Knives' fault, all the ideas he has put in your head about Vash and mating with all the women on the planet. But, Meryl, you should know better. You should know better."

"Why didn't you correct me earlier?" Meryl questioned.

Milly smiled, "I thought you didn't want to hear about mine and Wolfwood's kinky antics."

Meryl nodded.

Meryl looked up at Vash and whispered, "I'm sorry."

They all turned and saw Knives gloating; He was still under the impression that his brother had in fact begun implementing his plan by knocking up Milly. Luckily they did not correct him.

"Vash, Milly," Meryl said as she thought quickly, "I think we can use this to our advantage."

The three all went outside and shut the door, in order to have a private conference—out in the hall. Knives looked at them curiously—their shadows flickering outside the softly tinted window that was on the door. He soon lost interest, and took his nap—in his purple, heart-polka-dotted, 'jammies.

"This aught to give him the impression that his twisted plan is being implemented."

"And that's good how?"

"He won't go looking for you, he'll be less likely to go back to his genocide plan."

"Oh, right."

"You know, when we rescue you from here."


"Do you really think he'll fall for it?"

"I hope so."

"He's not as stupid as I am."

"You're not stupid."

"When we were little, he told me that babies grew on apple trees and I believed him!"

"Point taken."

"You mean they don't?"

"Oh, Milly…"


Knives stirred slightly from his nap as he heard the three enter. He had been asleep for only an hour, and wondered why they were bothering him so soon.

Knives awoke to a pleasant surprise, Vash standing in front of him with the two human females on each side—each with stomachs 10 times the size they were before.

"See, Knives," Vash acted, "I got done…um reproducing with this one…earlier," He pointed to Milly who smiled, clutching her huge stomach, "And so, um…I just went and copulated with…um" sweat was dropping from his brow as Meryl was giving him a funny look, "this one here."

Knives looked at them quizzically, and poked Milly and Meryl's large stomachs. She prayed quietly that the oversize pillows wouldn't fall out.

"Fascinating…" Knives said slowly, "They sure got fat really fast." He rubbed his chin as he scrutinized them both.

Vash laughed nervously.

But, Knives was satisfied.

"Good job, Vash," Knives said as he leaned back in the bed, "Although next time I would suggest procreating with them both at once so as to speed up the process. I don't want to wait all of this next century."

Knives then went back to his nap: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Vash, Meryl, and Milly let out sighs of relief as soon as they were on the other side of the door.

"Vash," Meryl called out.

"Yes," Vash whispered because Knives was on the other side of the door.

"I think I'm going to take Milly to the nurse's office, to make sure her baby is doing ok."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, find someway to distract Knives for a few hours," Meryl replied, "Today is the day that the bodies are shipped out, we've got to make the switch, Vash, we're getting you out of here."

"…What about Knives?"

"What about him?"

"How are we going to get him out of here?"

"Get HIM out, VASH? Are you CRAZY? I plan to let his butt rot with the old people for eternity!"

"But, Meryl!"

"Vash, as long as Knives stays here, we are safe, as long as he believes you are fulfilling his plans we is safe. Knives must stay in the Old Folk's Home…"


Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Meryl and Milly listened to the sounds that filled the nurse's office—the random beeping of machines.

"Well, it appears the analysis has been completed," the nurse lady said, "But there appears to be some bad news."

Meryl clutched Milly's hand tightly as they awaited the news.

"Is her baby going to be alright, ma'am?" Meryl asked with worry.

"Baby?" the nurse seemed confused, "She's not pregnant."

"WHAT?" Meryl exclaimed.

"But, she has a serious case of gastrous-monstrositous-fartilicious-nous."

Milly gulped.

"Translation please?"


Vash was waiting patiently outside of the room that Knives rested in when he suddenly heard some voices.

Vash looked around the corner to see too blonde nurses giggling and gossiping about something. They were only a few feet away from him. He was surprised he had not noticed them until now. Edging closer to them, he happened to catch snippets of their conversation.


"I know."

"Me too."

"I would give anything to see him again."

"His body was so firm and trim."

"I would give anything to rub a soapy sponge across his naked body."

"Oh, yes."

"I never thought that working here would turn out so fun."

"Me either…wait…do you feel like someone is watching us?"

"Aaaaah Aahhhh AaaahhhhhHHHHH CHOOOOooooooo!"

Vash covered his mouth quickly, but it was too late, the two women came hurtling around the corner and confronted him.

"Were you getting off on listening to our conversation, old…." They paused looked at Vash, "man?"

"Hey, he looks a bit like our Blonde-y-kins, does he not?" The blonde woman smiled at the other one.

"He sure does." She titled her head, "And, he don't look like an old man none either, just like him."

Vash stared at the two blonde women. There was definitely something familiar to him about them.

"You wouldn't happen to be speaking about the guy, in the room behind me, would you?" Vash gestured to the room in which Knives slept.

"Yeah," They said, "Our Blonde-y-kins was reassigned to this room, so we came to…uh…visit him…yeah."

Vash looked at them quizzically.


"Yeah, that's our name for him because he wouldn't tell us his real name."



"Hey!" Meryl called out.

Vash spun around.

Soon, Vash, Meryl, and Milly stood across from the two blonde nurses.

"What's the news?" Vash asked.

Phft. Zip. Zhopht. Phhhhhhffft.

Vash blinked.

"What's that smell?"

"Well," Meryl sighed, "long story, short…Milly's not 'with-child' she's 'with-gas'."


"Excuse me." Milly said, with a tinge of embarrassment.

"Uh…huh." Vash stated.

Meryl noticed the two blonde nurses.

"Um," Meryl poked Vash, "Who are they?"

Vash looked at them closely; he knew he had seen them before…somewhere. But, where?

Then, a sliver of a darker shade of hair fell from underneath one of the women's blonde hairs, and Vash realized that the blonde hair, for both of them was fake—they were wearing wigs.

"Now I know where I've seen you before," Vash spoke to the 'nurses', "Weren't you like prostitutes on some sandsteamer or something?"

They looked mildly shocked for a moment before relaxing. "Well, now. Our secret is out."

It took Meryl a few moments before her brain put together "Vash" and "prostitutes."

"You bastard!" Vash got slapped once again.

"That's your favorite phrase today, huh, Meryl." Vash stroked his cheek.

"Little missy, I do believe you are mistaken," one of the 'ladies of the evening' stated, "This here doofus was never one of our clients."

"He wasn't?" Meryl felt guilty again.

"Doofus?" Vash mumbled.

"We took this nursing job because good looking men were in short supply; all that's left is fat ugly ones."

"So we decided to change our profession."

"Until of course we met the hott stud in there." They gestured toward Knives' room.

"WHAT?" Vash was traumatized that humans would find his brother attractive and not him.

"Calm down, now," Meryl tugged on his sleeve, "This is just the diversion we were looking for."

Vash nodded reluctantly.

"So," Meryl cunningly addressed the prostitutes-turned-nurses, "How would you like to win the affections of the man in that room?"

"Yes! But he wouldn't give us the time of day earlier."

"What about if I told you that if you said a few specific things he would be all over you."

"We would do it, anything for Blonde-y-kins!"

"Listen carefully."

After Vash and co. had taken off down the hall, the two women in blonde wigs went into the room.

"This is insane."

"You're telling me."

"Will this really work?"

"It's what they told us to say, even if it makes NO sense."

"Nothing to loose."

"A lot to gain."

Knives awoke to find two beautiful blonde beauties in his room at the foot of his bed.

"Who are you?"


…your nieces."

Vash, Meryl, and Milly, ran down the hall to the morgue, as time was running out. Soon the body of Billy Bob would be shipped out, with the name label of Mr. Vash Stampcollector.

Milly spotted Kuroneko wandering the hall they ran down, and scooped him up in her arms. He had an important part to play.

Vash whined.

"Wait," Knives blinked, "you are telling me that you are Vash's daughters?"

"Yep, unkie-Knives, we…um," She took out a piece of paper and glanced at it a moment, "My mamma's the short one, and her mamma's the tall one."

"And they gave birth to us several hours ago."

"Really?" Knives scratched his head, "I was asleep that long?"

"Yes, the…humans…came and slipped you some medicine."

He growled slightly, causing the two women to swoon and blush.

Knives blinked at them.

"We grew real fast."

She nudged the other one who said, "I learned to talk 5 minutes ago!"

"OoooooKay…" Knives murmured.

"Am I dreaming?"

"No, you are very much awake."

"Have I seen you two somewhere before?"

"No…no. nonono." They laughed nervously.

"Your hair is the same gorgeous shade of blonde as Vash's."

They smiled, and sat on the bed, scooting closer to him.

"It is…" Knives sniffed the air, "almost intoxicating to actually be so close to plant females…though you be only half."

The two women looked at each other like 'What the hell is he going on about."

"Are the daughters of Vash prepared to mate with me?" Knives smiled at them evilly.

"Oh, hell yes!"

And so the two prostitutes pounced upon Knives.

And for quite a long time, Knives was…distracted.

With Knives occupied—very occupied, Vash and the others stood in front of a door labeled "Morgue."

They stepped inside.

Vash looked upon the body bag, the one that held his roommate-for-a-day, Billy Bob—a 93 year old man who thought he was 39 years old.

Tears streamed down Vash's face. Milly sniffled. Meryl rolled her eyes slightly, "You barely knew him for one day!"

Vash gulped, "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…"

"Mr. Vash," Milly pointed out, "that's the wrong one. It goes, 'dearly departed we are gathered here to pay respects to…um…'"

Meryl sighed, "I think that's still the 'wedding' one. You just changed a few words."

"You say it then."

"Nobody is going to say it," Meryl replied sternly, "We don't have time."

Meryl unzipped the body bag to reveal a blue Billy Bob. At her bequest, Milly helped pull him out of there—since Vash was blubbering like a little school boy.

"Ok, Vash. Hop in." Meryl pointed in the bag.

Vash whimpered as he got in.

Milly sat her cat on Vash and smiled, "Go to town little kitty!"

Vash whimpered, as the smell of kitty pee pervaded his cute red 'jammies.

"And now, for the final touch." Meryl whipped out the blue lipstick, and carefully, gingerly moved it across Vash's lips.

She played with Vash's lips for a good 5 minutes before Milly told her "I think that's enough."

Meryl's mind had gone to a whole different place.

Vash blinked. "I smell bad."

"And you look good and dead."

Meryl and Milly zipped him up.

"See you on the outside."

They were walking toward the door when suddenly they realized something—the dead body of Billy Bob on the floor. They couldn't just leave it there!



"What do we do with Billy Bob?"

"I don't know! Put him in the lounge area or something!"

And so they did.

An old lady with fluffy hair and thick glasses adjusted them on her face as she noticed her new seat buddy in the sofa next to her, as she awoke from a nap.

"And who might you be?"


"You seem a might…blue."


"And stiff."


"Are you…a smurf?"

Once Meryl and Milly had returned to the morgue, the body bag of one Mr. Vash Stampcollector had been shipped off to the cemetery on the edge of town.

"He's gone!" Meryl exclaimed.

"Meryl," Milly stated with worry, "How are we going to make it in time before he smothers?"

Meryl glanced at two Thomases wandering the halls.

"Let's ride."

"This is bad. This is bad. This is bad." Vash panicked as he could feel dirt pilling on top of his body bag.

Once he could no longer feel the light from the suns, he heard the wheels of the car that transported him drive away.

"Am I really going to die here?" Vash wondered as it became more difficult to breathe.

Suddenly a familiar sound reached his ears, the sound of large feet and crunching ground and—

"Wark! WARK! Waaaaaaaaaaaark!"

"Thomases!" Vash exclaimed.


"Mr. Vash!"

Vash began to feel the warmth of the suns as soft hand dug him out of the dirt and pulled the body bag to safety.

Vash was greatly relieved as the first thing he saw was his insurance girls unzipping his prison.

"Vash." Meryl ran up and hugged him, "You're free."

Vash blinked and looked around. All around him was the middle of nowhere—no Old Folk's Home in sight.

"Mr. Vash," Milly began, "I was really worried that we would have gotten to you too late and you would have taken root already."

Vash blinked. Meryl sighed.

"Milly, I'm not that kind of plant."

Meryl, Milly, and Vash were ridding off to the nearest town on the Thomases when suddenly Vash realized something—something truly important that he had forgotten.

Vash started hyperventilating.

"Vash!" Meryl yelled, "Vash, what's wrong?"

"D—Donuts!" Vash's eyes went wide, "I can get doughnuts now! I can eat them! Oh. My. God. I must have them! EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii! Their sugary coated sprinkles and icing and—"

Meryl was about to sigh, when Milly nudged her suddenly. Meryl looked as Milly winked at her.

"You've just got to get his attention."

Meryl took a deep breath. This would take all of her resolve.


"Yes, insurance girl?"

"How about you rest up, and I'll go to the bakery and pick up a dozen donuts."

Vash smiled a really big smile, "Okay!"

Milly hopped off the Thomas she was sharing with Meryl, and got up on the one that Vash was riding.

Meryl took off in a different direction; "I'll meet you both there!" she called out.

Milly decided to take the long route to the house they planned to rent for awhile.

A couple hours later, Milly and Vash arrived at the place. It was dark out. Both of the suns had set. Milly figured that something was up—that Meryl wanted to surprise Vash with the donuts of something of the like, so she quickly said goodnight to Vash and went upstairs.

Vash felt confused. Where was Meryl?

"Vash?" Something smelled good. Vash could hear her voice behind the door at the end of the hall on the first floor.

Filled with curiosity and a hunger for his donuts, Vash waltzed casually down the hall.

"Hey, Vash!"


Vash opened the door.

He instantly lost the ability to breathe.

In front of him, in a room, was insurance girl Meryl lying on a bed completely naked—save for three strategically placed chocolate sprinkled donuts. Not only that, but Vash's racing mind quickly noticed that not only was she completely naked, but her naked body shined in the moonlight—she was covered from head to toe in delicious donut glaze.

"Gah!" Vash sucked in a breath before gulping. He couldn't form words.

There was more. Next to the bed was a box containing the remainder of the dozen donuts.

Meryl smiles at Vash. "Have I finally gotten your attention?" He managed to nod, and she gestured him to come closer.

Vash looked upon the scene, and felt as though all his dreams have come true.

"Think of all the fun things we can do with these donuts, Vash. Oh, all the wonderful things."

After that night, Vash never looked at a donut quite the same.

A few days later, at the Old Folk's Home:

"Mr. Butterknives? Mr. Butterknives?" the announcement speaker called out, "Please report to the medical wing. Now."

Knives grumbled but went anyway.

As he sat in the chair, the doctors looked at him quizzically.

"What is it?"

"Um," the doctor began, "Something rather strange turned up in your routine physical yesterday."


"Did you know that you have contracted 6,347 separate sexually transmitted diseases?"

Knives blinked, "Is that bad?"


Vash and the Old Folk's Home

It's been fun. Thanks for all the reviews! Just because it's over, it doesn't mean that you can't keep reviewing and telling me your thoughts. Remember, every review touches the inner sanctums of my soul. Review, and make an authoress happy? Yes? Please? Pretty Please? More reviews mean a better chance that I'll write more exciting Trigun fanfictions and stuff. This fic was made possible by reviewers like you. Once again, thank you thank you thank you!

Author's commentary:

Ch. 21. – The idea with this chapter was to present the opposite of an old cliché in which the audience believes that hanky panky is going on. In this chase, the audience knows what is really happening, and a character, Milly is confused. Also, I like making up funny alternate names for Vash and Knives. Stampcollector, Butterknives. Heeeeee.

Ch. 22. - The gesture Knives was making was that of one finger going through a circle made with the other hand. I like the word buttspiderflys. A clue on the last Knives dreaming in the chapter…he's dreaming about when he was getting a bath. Yes, yeah. Really.

Ch. 23. – The old guy had short term memory lose. Couldn't remember anything for much longer than a minute or 30 seconds. "The points don't matter" Whose line is it anyway. The idea for the "WARK" sound of the Thomas, is actually the sound effect of Chocobos from the Final Fantasy games. There seems to be a great many weird giant chicken + something else critters in anime and videogame lands. The code red that the nurse cites "15 8, 19 8 9 20" corresponds to letters of the alphabet, and in fact reads "Oh, Shit"

Ch. 24. – I always wanted to write a fic with strip poker, and alcohol.

Ch. 25. – The Knives on Vash scene was inspired by an episode of Grounded for Life. I always wanted to have them play truth or dare.

Ch. 26. – Nearly 3 times longer that any other chapter, I hope you enjoyed this Grand Finale.