Title: Size Matters
Rating: R
Pairings: 1x2, for a reason
Warnings: Yaoi, humor, sap
The blame for this lies with: Natea, Merith, Porcelain, a MadTV skit, and especially Fathead's rather large scythe (don't ask)

"You've got to be kidding me."

Heero's severe expression indicated that he was quite serious about the suggestion.

"Feeling inadequate, Yuy?"

Heero raised one eyebrow. "It's our first time. I'd rather look back on it as another stage of intimacy, not as something awkward and uncomfortable."

Duo snorted. "I'm pretty sure you've killed that, Heero. Intimacy doesn't usually involve a tape measure and a set of specifications."

"I wasn't planning on drafting anything 'to scale,'" Heero said calmly. "But if you'd like..."

"You really are serious."

"Have you known me to joke about something this important?"

Duo sighed. "No."

Heero reached over and massaged one of Duo's shoulders. "We can wait, if you'd rather."

"No," Duo shook his head. "Well, maybe the mood is ruined, but if we knew now, then at least next time-"

"Duo," Heero said, pulling his lover closer. "If the mood is ruined, there's no point in measuring them at all."

"I don't know what this has to do with who gets to be seme first. Some sort of bragging rights for who has the biggest wang?"

Heero kissed him behind the ear. "More of a consolation prize," he murmured.

"You said you didn't joke about things that were this important."

"Tell me that you wouldn't feel the tiniest bit better, knowing that your ego was to be soothed by getting to top first."

"Are we talking length, or girth?"

"Both. In case of a tie, girth would be the deciding factor."

"So little man on the totem pole gets to go first."

"Mmmm," Heero nuzzled Duo a bit more, causing the longhaired man to groan audibly.

"You're playing dirty, Heero," he complained, before turning around, shoving his hands in the unruly hair, and pulling Heero's face to his.

After a few minutes of groping and kissing, Heero's fingers worked their way into Duo's pants.

"Yuy! Damn it, Heero!"

Heero sat back, a tape measure held between both hands, a smug expression on his face.

Duo glanced at the number next to Heero's index finger, and couldn't help feeling a bit mollified.

"Want to do the honors?"

Duo grabbed the tape measure with one hand and worked Heero's shorts down far enough to get the dimensions he needed.

"I can't believe this is even an issue," he complained, sharing the result with a rather pleased Heero. "Don't you have some superhuman tolerance to pain?"

"You're just mad because I get to go first," Heero said. His brows crinkled. "Unless you've changed your mind? Duo, if you want...I don't mind being uke."

Duo tossed the tape measure over his shoulder and pushed Heero onto his back, then kissed him until Heero's toes curled.

"I know you don't, Heero. I don't either. As long as it's not a permanent position. It's just..."


Duo laughed. "I don't know. I guess it always seemed a lot bigger when it was in my mouth."


"So...we have everything we need?"

"God, Duo, we'd better," he said, closing his eyes and arching his back as Duo stroked him.

A short time later, a rather embarrassingly short time later, in Heero's opinion, they lay together, legs entwined, hair sticking up at impossible angles, and Duo started laughing.

"Now what?"

"Just thinking of something." He ran a hand over Heero's side and pulled him closer. "Ya know, you are certainly one of a kind, Heero. I guess I can't help but find it funny that..."


Duo pressed his lips against Heero's shoulder. "That there's finally one Asian stereotype that actually applies to you."

He held his breath as soon as the words left his mouth, wondering if he'd perhaps made a joke at an inappropriate moment. Most men did not take kindly to disparaging remarks made about their size.

He felt Heero's lips curl into a smile against his neck.

"You're just a sore loser."

Duo didn't miss the slight emphasis on the word 'sore.'

"Just wait until tomorrow night, Yuy," he said, stifling a yawn as Heero's hair brushed under his chin.

Heero's body shook with silent laughter, and Duo's arms tightened around him. He placed a kiss on the top of Heero's head.

"You're lucky I love you, ya know."

Heero pulled his head back and looked at Duo, his expression as serious as it had ever been during the war.

"I consider myself very lucky, Duo. Don't ever doubt that." He tucked his head back under Duo's chin and his breathing was slow and measured against Duo's bare skin.

Heero had fallen asleep while Duo lay there, holding him close, feeling Heero's heartbeat against his chest.

It was times like this when he felt he was the lucky one. Heero had taken something that they'd both been very nervous about and managed to turn it into something that they'd look back on and remember with laughter. The type of thing that couples would share knowing glances over, causing others to wonder why they were smirking at each other.

Of course, that didn't mean that he wasn't going to get back at Heero. He was sure that he could find a pair of novelty briefs to commemorate The Event. Maybe something with a yardstick duplicated in the front, or something proudly proclaiming Size Matters.

He smiled into Heero's hair. "And I do love you, Heero." His eyes closed and he followed Heero into sleep.

As soon as Heero heard Duo's breathing even out, he mouthed the sentiment that he'd been unable to say in words, even though he'd shown it as often as he could. He'd come close to saying them in the heat of passion earlier. Soon, he thought, he'd be able to say them out loud.

"I love you, too, Duo."

19 May 2004