A/N: So much for writing this only for my own amusement. There are many Mary Sue parodies out there, so I tend to shy away from posting any that happen make the dangerous journey from my mind to my keyboard. But I suppose this is a little different, not to mention pointless, and there's nothing wrong with sharing the fun.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to who it belongs to, which quite sadly isn't me.
The Way is Shut
The King of the Dead tapped a single skeletal finger against an equally skeletal elbow as he stood with his currently invisible feet planted and his arms crossed firmly over his chest. It was morning, he'd just finished his usual cup of coffee (which had, of course, poured right out through a particularly decayed part of his rib cage just because that gag is oh-so-entertaining), and he was ready to put in his best effort at a full days work.
For a while after being released by the heir of Isildur, things had gotten fairly dull. Most of his companions rather liked that fact that they no longer had to take on that old freaky-zombie-ghost form and also that they no longer had to live under a mountain, which was actually quite musty and unpleasant. The king; however, found the days of peace ultimately boring.
Luckily it wasn't long before Middle-earth was faced with a new evil, one not necessarily as sinister as any previously prevailing dark lords, but certainly more annoying. And so the most powerful who still remained within the realms of the earth, and the most powerful of those who ever had crossed its shores (for this evil could effect any time of the world) managed to seal the evil from it.
A problem arose. It was determined impossible to completely seal Arda away. At least one opening had to remain; an opening termed a 'portal' and a potential entrance for the evil to wreak its havoc on the world. Even when they made it so that the portal could only be accessed through ridiculous actions- falling through mirrors, internet pop-ups, fatal car accidents- the evil continued to find its way.
And so a guardian was needed. And the King of the Dead had absolutely nothing better to do.
And he did love to say that phrase oh so very, very much…
A twisted smile crossed his face as he noted a new arrival. He stood straight and proud in front of the portal, completely confident in his abilities to protect it.
The teenaged girl before him blinked a few times, looking somewhat dazed and confused. He saw this all the time. They always knew exactly where they were, they just liked to put up a bit of a show. Soon she would stumble to her feet (for she had somehow fallen to the ground at some point, no doubt through fainting) and either kindly ask where she was in perfect Elvish (which he couldn't speak anyway) or grow indignant because he wasn't Legolas.
"Excuse me, sir," the girl said in Westron, surprising the king somewhat but not enough to impress him. "But can you tell me where I am?"
He refrained from chuckling evilly as he felt the impulse to do. This was his favorite part: it always had been.
"The way is shut," he informed her threateningly. "It was made by those who are canon and the canon keep it."
"Uhhh…" It was clear she wasn't too sure how to respond. Just as all others of her kind before her had, she expected full access into a place where she was simply not wanted.
"The way is shut," the king said again, relishing in how gosh-darned creepy he could make his voice when he really wanted to, "it was made by those who are canon and the canon keep it."
"Isn't that a line from the movie?" she blurted after a while. The King of the Dead sighed. Did they always have to point out the obvious? He'd known he should have gone for a double coffee that morning.
"Where am I supposed to go then?" the girl asked, realizing she wasn't going to get through. The king was personally relieved she wasn't going to try and fight him. Just last week one of them happened to be an expert swords-woman and nearly decapitated him before he pulled a ghostly wind on her and sent her quite forcefully on her way.
He dropped the creepy mannerisms at this point.
"If you want to go home go back the way you came. Otherwise," he casually pointed to the girl's right, "Hogwarts is that way…"
The girl stared in the direction he had indicated. Sure enough, not far off stood another portal, this one completely unguarded. She looked back at the king before shrugging her shoulders.
"I guess that's better than nothing…" she said to herself. The king remained eerily silent until she was completely through the other portal. He allowed himself a congratulatory cackle at another job well done. It was a good sign that the rest of the day would go well.
As long as Aragorn didn't have any more 'sisters' everything would be fine.