Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The characters belong to GH and the song Beautiful Disaster belongs to Kelly Clarkson.

Summary: Carly contemplates why she loves the one man that tears her apart.

Beautiful Disaster 1/1:

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord, It just ain't right

Not many people would put the name Sonny Corinthos and the word dreamer together. After all, he's the largest mob boss on the Eastern seaboard and just as fierce as they come. No, Sonny Corinthos is a perfectionist that rules with an iron fist, certainly not a starry eyed idealist. That's the public persona he lives and I indulge him by letting him believe that I view him the same way. But deep down I know that he is so much different than the classy Italian suits he wears. He will forever be that little boy that strived for his stepfather to accept him and his mom to protect him

He sets these impossible standards for himself and the people he knows. My bar was raised to heights that would give others nosebleeds. But not me, because I wanted to be the woman he always dreamed of. I wanted to be the one that gave him everything he hoped for. And for a short time, I was. I was everything that he could conjure up plus so much more. Then somewhere along the line, I faltered. I lost sight of him and therefore he lost sight of me. I couldn't be what he wanted and what I always thought I was at the same time. I had to stop sacrificing everything for him even though I didn't want too. Because lord knows that there is nothing I love more than Michael "Sonny" Corinthos, but at the same time he had no idea who Caroline Benson was.

He knows Carly Corinthos. His spontaneous, crazy ex wife. She's just as tarnished as him and that's what makes him feel safe with her. That's why their relationship began to shatter, because Caroline began to shine over Carly. There was no longer any way to hide the person that I had long since buried and that was something my ex husband obviously couldn't handle. He can blame the divorce on my lie about Kristina, but we both know better. Our ill-fated reunion was a little less warm then all the other ones that preceded it. The passion and love was still there, but somehow we had lost our sense of familiarity with one another. And if there is one thing that the big bad Sonny fears: It's change.

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord would it be beautiful,
Or just a beautiful disaster?

Living with Sonny was like a roller coaster. I often found myself holding on for dear life during his eternal quests for the perfect family or the perfect vacation. Hell, everything with Sonny had to be perfect even though nothing really was. He created this fairy-tale image of what his life should be and each time he fell short it was someone else's fault. It was my responsibility to hold him together. Make sure that he played the "mobster with a heart of gold" role constantly. I wonder whose responsibility that is now. Alexis's? Probably not, she has Ric now and one Corinthos brother is enough to keep even the mighty Miss Davis on her toes. Sam's? Well, she seems pretty enamored with Jason these days. She's obviously following in my footsteps only backwards. Poor girl isn't going to be strong enough to endure the war that Sonny is sure to wage on Jason once he fully comprehends what exactly is going on between his best friend and ex mistress. So that leaves whom? Jordan? Oh yes his new lawyer that is soon going to find out what working for Mr. Corinthos really means. It's almost like he can't help falling in love with every woman that shows slight attraction towards him. Maybe he figures that if he sleeps with enough of them, he'll find his Miss Right.

He'll never find her, though. I was the closest he ever came and he pushed me away one too many times. I wonder if he realizes that there is no other woman that will put up with the lying and cheating as gracefully as I did. No one is crazy enough to love him like I loved him and vice versa. No man will ever be able to put up with my schemes and outrageousness as well as he did. I've accepted that fact, but he still hasn't. He'll keeping searching, but every time he'll come up empty and that's when he'll show up at my doorstep. Call it arrogance, but I know that when the sky starts falling, I'm the one he'll turn to for shelter. After all, I'm the only one stupid enough offer it to him.

His magical myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
but do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Babe, Hold me tight

His childhood wasn't exactly what dreams were made of, but then again neither was mine. At the same time, I find myself more sympathetic towards him than anyone has ever been to me. He carries scars with him that should have long since faded, but only seem to get deeper. Every time he comes to a turning point something drags him back around the corner he had just turned. I feel bad for him, but have hard time turning a blind eye to all the tragedies he's caused in his lifetime.

He has pushed away more people than I've ever even had the privilege of knowing. And he doesn't just turn his back. He hurts people so deep that they could never even look at him again. He has tried to do that to me on more than a few occasions, but I refuse to let go. I tune out the anger and focus on his whiskey colored stare. His eyes can't hide from me. Cold and cruel to everyone else, except me because I've learned to look past that. Just beyond on the glare of disgust is a tinge of worry. Worry that this will actually be the time that I walk away. However, I could never do that. Not to him of all people, because he'll always be what I wish I could be.

I used to hope and pray for the day that he would turn into the sweet, forgiving man he was meant to be before Deke shattered that image. You see it just below the surface when he's playing with Michael or feeding Morgan, but it never takes center stage. I guess he never was meant to be that person. And I now realize that's okay, because sugary sweet Sonny Corinthos isn't the man I fell in love with. Nope, I fell for the man who supposedly never needed nor wanted anyone, especially not an eccentric wife. But somehow I made him love me and to this day it's one of my greatest accomplishments. As pathetic as it sounds, I feel good about myself because I know that no matter what I hold a special place in his heart. A place that no matter the distance between us will never belong to anyone else.

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waitin' so long
I've waited So long

I always thought that I would marry your typical blue-collar man. Someone mellow enough to even out my zaniness. A guy who would be able to take care of me and we could live in suburban happiness with the 2.5 kid and white picket fence. I know it sounds crazy now, Caroline "Carly" Benson-Corinthos with a white picket fence? Hell, I would have probably been the one housewife that everyone else hated. You know who I'm talking about. The woman that drinks a little too much at the block parties and then proceeds to go home with someone else's husband. Yes that would have been me, but I think I might have actually liked that role better than the one I'm playing right now.

In this life, I was atypical mob wife turned ex wife. The woman who still longs from afar but knows that there is no room for her in that lifeanymore. There will always be a place for me with Sonny that much I'm sure of, but I don't fit into the life he leads anymore. I want too. I want things to fall back into place like nothing every happened. I want Jason and Courtney to be married and living across the hall. I want Kristina to be just another child that lives in Port Charles. And most importantly, I want Sonny to look at me the way he used. Back when he loved me despite all my minor imperfections. Those days have passed and there is no way to get them back. Lord knows that I've tried. But somehow I can't let go. I close my eyes and there he is helping me tuck the boys into bed or just holding me in his arms. Just as quickly as the image comes, it fades and I'm left dazed and confused.He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful,
Or just a beautiful disaster?

A soft knock catches my attention. I assume its Leticia dropping the boys and don't bother removing myself from in front of the fire.

"Come in," I yell and wait for the pitter-patter of little feet to greet me. Instead I hear the soft clacking of expensive shoes across my hardwood floor. I know who it is without turning around and pray that if I stay silent he won't see me.

"You know you should always look through the peep hole before opening your home to a stranger."

"You're not a stranger." Even though sometimes I wish he was.

"I could have been," he reasons and I spin around.

"But your not." A grin lights up his face as he takes in my annoyed state. "Where are the boys?"

"They're back at the Penthouse with Leticia. I didn't want to drive them around in the snow." He informed me. "The roads are dangerous."

"What are you doing here, then?" I want him leave, but can't force myself to show him the door.

"No one should spend Christmas alone, Carly."

"I'm not going to your house." I hate how he just expects me to drop everything to appease him. "I thought we agreed that you could have the boys on Christmas Eve and I could have them on Christmas Day?"

"I'm sorry that I didn't want to risk our children's life by transporting them across town in the middle of a blizzard."

"But you would risk your own?" I eye him curiously and watch as he becomes uncomfortable by my line of questioning.

"That's a stupid question."

"Why? Because you don't want to answer it?" I prod, but am unsure why I can't just let it go.

"I would do anything for you." He says quietly. "I thought you knew that."

"Not everything," I spit back.

"Stop it."

"Or what? You going to kick me out of my own house?" The obnoxious side of me is coming through and I don't care.

"I didn't come here to fight with you," he holds up his hands in surrender.

"Then why did you come here? And don't give me that bullshit about not wanting me to alone on Christmas."

"I don't know."

"Yes you do."

"I'm serious, Carly. Stop." Sonny's face is turning a satisfying shade of red.

"If you don't like it than you can leave."

"Not without you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Then neither am I." I throw him an aggravated glare that he easily brushes off as he takes a seat on the sofa. "You got anything to eat?"

"Get out." My voice comes out a strangled cry, but he doesn't budge an inch.


"Please?" Maybe pleading will work.


"I'm going to call the cops." I reach for the phone and he remains unfazed.

"I'm sure they will get here sometime within the next six hours." He laughs. "Carly?"


"There is a simple way to get me to leave."

"What's that?"

"Come with me."

"Why do you care so much?" I scream.

"I miss you." His voice is the softest I've ever heard it. "I can't feel anything when you're not around. I need you."


"Because you're my everything." He places his hand on my cheek and for a second I don't know how to react. This couldn't possibly be the real Sonny Corinthos. No it's some robot from another planet, because they real Sonny Corinthos would never have tears shining in his eyes. "I don't know who I am if I'm not your husband."

"Did hell freeze over and I miss it?" I joke through my tears. I feel him pull me deep in his embrace and I want to fight it, but don't have the strength too. I'm trying to set myself up for the fall but the scent of his cologne is intoxicating. "I want to go home."

"Where's home?"

"Wherever you're going." I'm shocked by my statement. How quickly things have changed of the course of the last few minutes. As much as I hate to admit. I don't know what to do without him. At least now I know he feels the same way about me. Even if it is only temporary…

"I love you," his voice is muffled by my hair and I nod in return.

"I love you, too."

He's beautiful
Lord he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

A/N: I'm not sure why I had such an urge to write a Sonny and Carly story, but I did. I hope it was enjoyable for everyone.