HC Blogs of MeleezonA brief history of Meleezon:
Meleezon is currently a Hardcore Amazon on the USEast gateway of started chronicling her life through 'blogs', which very quickly evolved into a strange and unique comedy where interactions and events that happened within the game govern how the story goes.
As with all linear game following D2 story, the first chapter may seem a tad familiar. The real humour starts when Meleezon gets her Rogue companion, and she meets more real-life people on the realms.
All characters (not including Diablo 2 NPC's) met within these blogs were played by real people, and have been immortalized here as a tribute for helping Meleezon during her life.
Sadly, Meleezon 'expired' not long ago during my long travels when I was away from the internet. She has now been 'reborn' on USEast, and is looking forward to awaiting whatever challenges the 1.11 patch will throw at her. Divo still by her side, the new Meleezon's story will pick up on the steps of Hell, where the old Meleezon expired. (But first I have to write the missing blogs up till then :P)
EnjoyBlog 1 – You Don't Have to Fear Something to Run Away
A mysterious stranger entered the Rogue Encampment. Tall, blonde and rather well endowed, she held firm a shield in one hand, and a sword in the other. These were not the weapons of her culture. For she was Meleezon, one brave warrior from the Amazonian Isles who chose to abandon her race's heritage weapons of bow and spear, and take up arms in an epic quest to prove her worth – up close, and very personal.
Stumbling under the weight of her heavy stash, Meleezon managed to lug the massive chest over to a nearby campfire, and plonk it on the ground. She let out a sigh of relief, and sat on its top.
Looking around, she could see the encampment was really quite a dump; rag tag tents scattered everywhere, a makeshift blacksmiths in one corner. Everyone in the camp had gone silent upon her entrance, and all eyes were on her. Meleezon glanced uncomfortably at each of them.
"What? Yes, this is my real hair colour, now stop staring. And if anyone touches my chest, I'll kill them."
All the men in the camp suddenly began to chuckle and the women simply rolled their eyes. Meleezon narrowed hers and glared at the entire camp.
"I meant my stash here and you know it."
Slightly annoyed at the rough start she was having in this new place, she took up her weapons.
"Right. Where can one find a quest round here?"
A woman dressed in purple slowly made her way over from a tent.
"Greetings. I'm Akara. I heal people and talk a lot. And I mean a lot. Seriously, don't get me started. I'm also the head brewer, so be nice or the beer prices go up."
"Alrighty. Do you have a quest that only a hero of great skill such as myself could complete?"
"I surely do. In the land outside this camp - we're not really sure what it's called cause no one spends much time there – there's a place of great evil -"
"Threatening your camp, lots of baddies; kill, slaughter and massacre them all. No prob. I'll be back for the beer when I'm done."
She exited the camp before the healer could utter another word, completely unaware she had her skirt tucked into her underpants.
After a quick and slightly pointless number of battles outside the Rogue Encampment, Meleezon paused to rest outside the entrance of a cave. Bad smells and disgruntling noises drifted up towards her.
"The Den of Evil and Not Nice Things", a sign at the entrance said. "Do Not Enter… unless you're 2 feet tall, female and a member of the Fallen race."
Meleezon measured herself using her hands.
"Hmm... well I'm not a Fallen, but I am around 6 foot 2. That'd make me 3 times as good as the females they want! Look out boys here I come."
Though she was alone, Meleezon had resolved there was nothing she couldn't handle by herself. She feared no man or creature, and never would. Yet, as she entered the cave and saw the twenty or so angry little creatures sitting around a campfire eating cooked rouge, she couldn't help but feel the sslliigghhttest bit unsettled. They spotted her, and immediately grabbed their tiny scimitars.
"Harri Sacht!" they cried.
"Oh, ouch guys. That hurt. Really."
"C'mon, you can so do better."
"MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT!"
---Fast Forward – Bloodshed Later---
Meleezon wiped her sword clean.
"Well, I guess I won't have much to worry about if 2 foot tall munchkins, dumb zombies and quill rats are the only things I'll have to deal with. "
A deep, resounding growl made her think perhaps she'd spoken too soon.
Out of the tunnel ahead came a massive Gargantuan Beast. His great paws clawed in all directions, and as he approached Meleezon he swung a wide backhand, striking her shield and sending her flying into the wall.
"Whooaa… B-tch Slap of Doom! Think you're pretty tough ay, furball?"
Thankfully, Meleezon had mastered this art long ago (probably the reason why she currently had no male partner) and with a quick backhand lash-out, she gutted the beast and ended it.
"I'll be back for you later. Always wanted a Wendigo skin rug"
Meleezon finally found the evil that was brewing trouble in the cave; an disgusting looking zombie with even worse smelling breath.
"Corpsefire ay?" she said, reading a name tag pinned on the zombie's chest. She wrinkled her nose, somewhat unimpressed by the drooling rotbag in front of her. The old zombie slowly turned her way and grinned a toothless smile.
"Oh, you wanna eat me Corpsey? Not before we dance!" Meleezon cried. She sliced her sword to his left and right, making him move in a slow-motion P-Diddy-like rap routine (only better).
"Arrrrn," retorted Corpsefire, and tried to get close enough to strangle her. Unfortunately, Meleezon simply chopped off both his hands.
"Hands to yourself Corpsey, and while you're at it…"
"… get your eyes off me too."
She waited for the body to flop to the floor, and then began to casually frisk the area for anything of use.
"Hmmm… shiny javelins. That's it? Hmph, I find them when I DON'T need them."
Highly dissatisfied with her winnings, Meleezon decided to return to camp and ask for free beer. At least that'd make the whole deal slightly worthwhile.
Akara was pleased with Meleezon's success in the Den.
"I am grateful for your actions, but I never even told you what I really wanted you to do. I could have wanted you to bring back three pieces of grass from the caves floor, or the left pinky of a Fallen for all you knew."
"Bah, I don't think anyone actually bothers to find out the complete details of quests these days. How about that reward you were just about to offer?"
"Why yes, I will grant you the ability to improve your skills in… whatever it is you big island women have skills in."
Meleezon stared at her half-drunk pitcher of beer.
"I'll never finish this… unless… up the drinking skills, on the double!
"A wise and well thought out choi… wait…"
---Fast Forward – Later---
Meleezon finished her sixth drink, and was just wondering what to do next, when two other would-be heroes wandered into camp. Not wanting to be the rude neighbor, Meleezon headed over to say hello.
"Yo, I'm Meleezon. How you's doin'?"
"Hey," said the Necromancer. "I'm Scary Dude, and I'm doing well. This here is Lourt Cho," he gestured to the Assassin woman beside him. She smiled politely and nodded, but said nothing.
"Hah! Scary Dude! Fitting name," Meleezon said. She suddenly noticed his clay golem was staring at her very intently and drooling...
"Yeah, I'm proud of it," said Scary Dude, "Anyways, I'm off to rescue Cain. Wanna come?"
"Um… Cain? Who or what is that?"
"Oh, you know: some guy who lived through Diablo's first return, knows all this really 'important' stuff. Akara wants us to rescue him so she can get some advice on how to defeat the evil corrupting this land blah blah blah. Fact is; it'll be profitable. You in?"
"Sure," said Meleezon, "But if I die... you are so not going near my body"
-mumbles something about Necrophilia under her breath-
---Fast Forward – The Dark Woods---
"Ahhh! It's Treehead! Ru -... no wait...
---Rewind – The Stony Field---
"Aahhhh! It's Rakinishu! Run away!"
Meleezon screamed while running frantically in circles being chased by a little blue demon. Rakinshu was a fabled pest of the stony fields, and Scary Dude had just insisted they take a short cut. The necromancer watched Meleezon's plight in amusement from a distance.
"Need some help, do you?"
"Shut up and kill him, you freaky dead-loving moron."
Scary laughed and casually pulled out his wand.
"Biggus Gnashers Chompo El Bitey!"
A pair of glowing flexible bones shot from the tip of his wand and chased down the Fallen pursuing Meleezon. They bit his skin and bore deep into the flesh.
Rakinishu gave a single squeal and fell over.
"He's dead," Scary grinned.
It took a few minutes for the words to register, and Meleezon finally stopped running in circles.
"I knew that" she replied, "I was just... feeling energetic. I'm allowed to FOR GODS SAKES STOP YOUR GODDAM GOLEM FROM STARING AT ME!"
---Fast Forward – Back in the Dark Wood---
"Ah! It's Treehead! Run!" Meleezon screamed while running in circles being chased by a giant Wendigo. He snarled with fury and showed no signs of tiring despite the long pursuit.
Lourt Cho, who had been silent and unhelpful till now, bravely ran in for the rescue. But after her head was nearly separated from her body, she decided it might be safer if she bravely opened a town portal and bravely ran through it.
Scary Dude was hiding behind a rock, desperately fiddling with his wand.
"Goddam it Necromancer, get your hands off your wand and do something!"
"Just a second, I've just got to -"
Suddenly skeletons rose from the ground all around them. Meleezon screamed in horror and ran for a massive dead tree, scrambling up it to safety. To her surprise, they started attacking Treehead, and the giant beast was beaten in mere seconds. Scary Dude came out from behind his rock, grinning widely.
"Well, that wasn't too bad," he said. "My trusty skeletons always do the trick. We're just lucky there were some… less resourceful hero's here before us. I imagine old Treehead has munched on a few in his time."
Meleezon, still cautious of the roaming skeletons, began to climb down the tree trunk.
"Hmmm yeah. I'm not sure which I prefer; him or those walking bonebags."
A piece of bark ripped off in her hand as she made her way down. Noticing mysterious markings on it, she quickly rolled it up and placed it in her backpack before Scary could notice.
"It's ok, my skeletons are completely harmless. To us anyway. And it's not like Treehead was that hard to fight."
"Hard? HARD! I almost died! Screw you; I'm going back to camp. I'm sure there's something else I should be doing."
Meleezon stormed off in a huff leaving Scary Dude to his Undead play pals.
Next Blog: Love the Dead… But don't get caught