Harry Potter and the Curse of the Robo-Hufflepuff
Ginny Weasley had just begun to undo the buttons on Draco Malfoy's shirt when a loud noise smashed through their passionate silence. "What was that?" she said inquisitively, sitting up. They were on top of one of the tables in the deserted Great Hall, and Draco jerked on her hair impatiently.
"Who cares?" he said in frustration. "Gin—"
He hadn't even formed the second part of his sentence when suddenly, unexpectedly, the doors of the Hall were smashed into a million splinters by the massive iron fist of what appeared to be a…badger?
"Oh god," Draco sighed, and he too sat up, letting his feet dangle over the edge of the table. "What the hell are the Hufflepuffs up to now?"
Many people had gathered to see what was blowing holes in their school, but when they saw the badger painted in brilliant Hufflepuff colors, many turned to leave. Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione weren't among them.
Hermione gasped in fear and grabbed onto Ron's lapel. "It's huge!"
Harry frowned. "JESUS CHRIST!" he bellowed, running up to the badger and giving it a swift kick in it's iron toe—it came up to his chest, and he stared up defiantly at the badger that's head almost grazed the ceiling. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN HUFFLEPUFF BUT GODDAMMIT THIS TAKES THE CAKE!"
He had no sooner spoken when the badger, apparently controlled from within, bent, it's mechanics shrieking and squealing, and swallowed him. Everyone was taken aback; Cho Chang screamed. The badger wretched and spat out Harry's glasses; they tumbled to the ground.
Still on the table in the Hall, Draco looked at Ginny in amazement. "Did that giant badger just eat Harry Potter?"
Before she could answer his question, the menacing voice of Ernie MacMillan boomed out over the crowded school. (The badger had begun to cause quite a ruckus). "WHO'S THE BOY WHO LIVED NOW, POTTER?" he laughed cruelly, and several girls in the crowd started to sob. But Ernie's voice calmed; he spoke in a level, if somewhat evil, tone. "For too long," he proclaimed, "We Hufflepuffs have been overlooked. We've been regarded as stupid! Cowardly! Comic relief! We've grown tired of having everyone in our house being written as stupid or annoying! All the good people-" there was a great snuffle that sounded rather like a giant badger blowing it's nose-"Like dear, dear Cedric, end up DEAD!" he seemed to collect himself. "FOR SIX YEARS WE HAVE SPENT ALL OUR TIME AND RESOURCES BUILDING THIS!"
Ginny nudged Draco. "No wonder they're all failing everything."
"FOR SIX YEARS WE'VE TOILED! OVER THE SUMMERS! OVER WINTER BREAK! AND NOW, IT IS COMPLETE! INSIDE THIS BADGER ARE ALL OF THE HUFFLEPUFFS! WE DOMINATE THIS SCHOOL! YOU WILL BOW TO US—THE ROBO-HUFFLEPUFF!" he laughed again, and it was terrible to hear.
"WHO'S THE BEST HOUSE NOW, BITCH?" he cackled.
The badger's PA system wailed as though a microphone was being snatched from one person and given to another; there was a foreboding sound and out of the top of the badgers head a giant yellow and black throne was raised into the air. Many grimaced at the sight of Professor Sprout, clad in black lingerie and wearing a towering badger crown.
"What now, McGonagall?" she screamed. "What now? Whose Quidditch team will win now? Who's the smartest? I BET YOU REGRET STEALING ALBUS FROM ME NOW, YOU WHORE!"
There was no sight of McGonagall, but Neville Longbottom stepped forward bravely, tilting his head back to take in Professor Sprout in his kindly glance. "Professor Sprout," he said in his trademark Neville style. "Come down from the giant badger."
"NEVER," she proclaimed. "NEVILLE! I GIVE YOU THE CHANCE TO JOIN US NOW! JOIN US, NEVILLE!"
Neville considered. "Well, alright." He agreed after a moment's thought, and was lifted up by the gentle claw of the robo-Hufflepuff to stand next to Professor Sprout.
"YES!" she wailed. "YES! I AM THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN OF HUFFLEPUFF!"
There was a scrambling, and Justin Finch-Fletchley leapt onto the platform next to her. "And I'm the prince!" he screamed. "And Hermione—Hermione Granger! You…you must be my princess!"
Hermione blinked in bafflement. Ron was whimpering beside her. "But Justin Finch-Fletchley," she explained. "I'm in Gryffindor."
"WE'RE ALL HUFFLEPUFFS NOW!" he declared. "UNDER THE REIGN OF—" (dramatic music poured from the badger) "ROBO-HUFFLEPUFF!"
Hermione sighed belligerently. "But Justin Finch-Fletchley," she said, blinking. "You can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds. Surely you know that."
"WHAT?" he roared. "THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!"
"It has everything to do with it, Justin Finch-Fletchley." She said sadly. "I could never be your princess. Obviously you haven't read Hogwarts, A History and I can't be with someone who hasn't read Hogwarts, A History."
"NO!" Justin Finch-Fletchley cried, "You will be my Princess Hermione Granger! You will!"
The mechanics of the badger squeaked as it bent down and swallowed poor Hermione Granger.
"I think the badger just ate Hermione." Ginny observed, "That was slightly unnecessary."
"Eh" Draco shrugged. "I never liked her anyway."
Suddenly Ron fell to his knees, and began to sob and scream, "NO!" He cried. "WHY HERMIONE? SHE WAS MY ONE TRUE, UNSPOKEN OF, LOVE. I NEVER GOT TO TELL HER HOW I FELT!"
"Ron" Hermione's calm voice came out of the badger, "I'm alive. I'm just in the badger…"
There was a rustling and a thud, "NO ONE BUT TRUE HUFFLEPUFF'S CAN TALK THROUGH THE BADGER!" Hannah Abbott said, "That's rule number one in the badger code of honor."
"MY PRINCESS IS A TRUE HUFFLEPUFF!" Justin Finch-Fletchley cried, "HOW DARE YOU INSULT ROYALTY HANNAH ABBOTT!"
Suddenly the top of the badger's head opened up and Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hermione rose to sit atop its fat badger head. Hermione struggled against Justin Finch-Fletchley's grip, but it was no use.
"HERMIONE! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Ron cried with glee.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious? I mean…I just spoke out of the badger…it was all of three seconds ago…Ron…"
"Uh…" Ron stammered, "So did you hear me when I—"
"Yes Ron" Hermione smiled, "I heard your love confession."
"And?" Ron asked hopefully.
"Well seeing as the badger ate Harry, and providing you get me off this ridiculous badger, I'm sure we could work something out."
"YIPEE!" Ron cried and began to skip merrily around the badger chanting, "We can make an arrangement, we can make an arrangement…"
"NO!" Justin Finch-Fletchley roared, "YOU'RE MY PRINCESS!"
"Justin Finch-Fletchley" Hermione said, "you're weird. You always have been weird, just like all the rest of you crazy Hufflepuffs. Ever since the second book, I've thought you were weird. I will never ever be your princess."
"We'll see about that!" Justin Finch-Fletchley scathed.
He whirled around (which is pretty hard to do when standing atop a giant badger) and pulled out his wand pointing it in the direction of Ron Weasley "EXPELLIARMUS!"
Ron, who was still skipping merrily around the badger, flew backwards. Suddenly, there was a loud powering down noise and the badger stopped moving.
"DAMN IT!" Professor Sprout cried, getting out of her throne, "That oaf Weasley tripped and pulled out the plug."
The badgers legs sunk into a sitting position and suddenly it was much less menacing. The torso of the badger opened up and the entire Hufflepuff house piled out. Happily Hermione hopped down from the badgers head and went to meet Ron.
Dumbledore suddenly appeared in the Great Hall, not so much outraged, but amused, "Professor Sprout" he laughed, "you mean to tell me, you've taught at a school of Magic for numerous years and you never knew how to magically operate a giant, mechanical metal badger."
"W—Well" Sprout bumbled, "I—I mean who does?"
"Professor Sprout" Neville said as he climbed down from the badgers nose, "Everyone knows how to magically operate a mechanical metal badger."
"What?" The house of Hufflepuff whispered to one another.
"Well you are Hufflepuffs" Ginny said thoughtfully, "I suppose that's why you didn't know how."
"NO!" Professor Sprout shouted, "I'M SICK OF THE PREJUDICE AGAINTS THE HUFFLEPUFF HOUSE! HUFFLPUFFS BACK INSIDE THE ROBO-HUFFLEPUFF!"
The entire Hufflepuff piled into the badger. There were about five loud, beeping noises and the badger self destructed, with the Hufflepuff house inside.
"So" Draco began. "What happened to Potter? Because the badger ate Granger and, unfortunately, she's perfectly fine, so…"
"Well it's quite simple." Ernie Macmillan said, crawling out of the rubble, "As soon as he entered the badger, we beat him a bunch of time with a croquet stick."
"Where the hell did you come from?" Ron spat, his arms wrapped tightly around Hermione, "None of the other Hufflepuffs survived?"
"None of the other Hufflepuffs were wearing indestructible pants." He said happily.
"But what about the half of you that wasn't wearing pants?" Ginny asked.
"Hmm…" Ernie muttered looking himself up and down. "Well that part hurts a lot actually."
"Ah well" Dumbledore said, "I suppose that's what you get for participating in the construction of a non-magical metal badger."
"How about we all go down to the Potions dungeon, eat lemondrops, and turn water into rum." Seamus Finnigan suggested.
Dumbledore thought for a moment, "Yes, that sounds like a good idea."
And it was so.
AN-This was written by me (Alise) my good ol' buddies Anna and Megan Kelly (recognize the name anyone?)