Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition
by Lady Norbert
A/N: The inspiration for this fic came when I re-read some of my reviews, hoping to prod the muse into behaving herself. There was a review from the white witch of ny in which it was suggested that I do a version of the series from Allan's point of view as he watches from heaven. The funny, snarky side of my brain grabbed the idea and ran away with it, Bridget Jones style. So I couldn't resist doing this very silly version of things.
Now, if you have not read the original TPDoEQ stories, be warned -- this is filled with spoilers! In a nutshell, I'm writing a parody of my own story. And yes, I'm going to be making fun of Elizabeth a lot, because I can. Based on the reactions of the 'test audience,' I would like to suggest that you not eat or drink while reading this. I should hate to hear that one of my readers choked.
Day One: Died today. Being dead not as bad as one might suppose. Got to see both wives again -- bigamy permitted after death, apparently -- as well as son. Missed son. Was also able to witness Sawyer avenge death before demise actually took place, v. satisfying. Only real complaint about death is lack of access to shiny rifles.
Day Four: Adjusting to afterlife. Had lunch with Shakespeare. Couldn't understand a word he said, bloody iambic pentameter.
Day Nine: Watched League for awhile. Returned kidnapped scientists and families to rightful country. Skinner savagely burned in Mongolia but apparently recovering. Sawyer gloomy about self's death, but cheered by fact that Mina killed poncy twit Gray -- less competition.
Day Thirteen: League buried me in Kenya next to son today, v. decent of them. Natives confused by floating hat and coat attending funeral, but otherwise v. nice. Witch doctor attempted to resurrect corpse, felt odd twitching around navel. Attempt failed.
Day Fifteen: Nemo learned from other colonists that self has surviving child back in England. Giant canoe now heading for London to pay respects.
Day Twenty-two: Colonists also sent wire to Prime Minister announcing death of national hero. Today daughter received message from PM, extending his condolences and kicking her out of manor house.
PM a big wanker, really.
Day Twenty-three: Someone should tell daughter black really not her colour. Daughter has prayed for self's soul no less than four times since hearing from PM. V. touching, but getting annoying.
Day Twenty-seven: Observed daughter re-reading letter claiming to be from self. V. odd, as sent no correspondence to daughter since last Christmas. Suspect chain letter threatening bad luck if not copied and sent to six other famous men's daughters. Daughter confused, but daughter confuses easily.
Day Thirty-three: League arrived at manor to confuse daughter even more. All are wearing black, v. depressing. Accepted daughter's invitation to stay at manor. Daughter immediately taken with American spy. Like the idea of Sawyer as son-in-law.
Day Thirty-four: Daughter showed letter to League. Not chain letter at all, but clues to mystery about key in Paris. Have never been to Paris and know nothing about key; would warn daughter, but still dead. Nemo invited daughter to come and live on big boat, as PM is tossing her out.
23 August 1899: Have decided to stop numbering days, as am losing count. Daughter and League now on ship.
24 August 1899: Someone attempting to kill daughter. Threw her into ocean today, had to be fished out by Sawyer. V. irritating. If still alive, would hunt down podunk would-be assassin and introduce him to business end of Matilda.
25 August 1899: Sawyer assigned to accompany daughter at all times to protect her from further harm. Suspect daughter pleased, as still crushing on Sawyer. Sawyer still lusting unwisely after lady vampire, so no wedding bells yet.
27 August 1899: Mina offered to teach daughter chemistry. V. bad move, as daughter will likely blow up ship. Daughter observed that Sawyer and Jekyll both pining for Mina, not pleased. Daughter needs to get a grip. Mina still undecided about preference. Am of the mind that Jekyll is better choice, as experience with Hyde will come in v. handy during vampire's time of the month.
28 August 1899: Most of League went to Notre Dame Cathedral today. Daughter v. impressed. Mina collected dust sample, brought back to ship and promptly blew up lab. Daughter nowhere nearby, can't blame her for mishap. Most of ship still intact, Mina knocked senseless. Jekyll got to play hero, Sawyer jealous.
29 August 1899: Mina recovered, batted eyelashes at Jekyll. Daughter v. confused by references to Mina's "condition" and inquired with Skinner, who took her into closet to explain. Daughter shocked by truth about Mina and Hyde. Skinner made jokes about being alone in closet with daughter.
Daughter later went to library to try and 'comfort' Sawyer a bit, ended up commiserating about rotten love lives. Put heads together -- almost literally -- and read book about cathedral to search for clues.
30 August 1899: League went back to cathedral to find out about red door. Daughter never v. good with foreign languages, don't blame sexton for laughing at her. Went up to see gargoyles, Sawyer took a header off the roof. Not dead, but came close. Daughter v. distressed, feels responsible for injuries.
31 August 1899: Daughter using Sawyer's injuries as excuse to watch him sleep. Cried today. Daughter a bit of a whiny bint sometimes.
3 September 1899: Sawyer recovering, daughter relieved. Still using injuries as excuse to sit by him. When awake, reads him sappy poetry. Would vomit if still alive.
6 September 1899: Daughter's twentieth birthday. Would send expensive present, but still dead.
7 September 1899: Daughter surprised by birthday cake from League. Almost cried again. Sawyer and other League members decided to give up search for key, as too many close calls already. Daughter then received note from Sawyer trying to get her to go to cathedral one more time. Sawyer denied sending note and gave handwriting sample to prove it. Suspect daughter of hoping Sawyer was asking her to elope.
8 September 1899: Daughter went on suicide mission to cathedral with Skinner as invisible bodyguard. Moron offspring immediately clocked over head and taken captive. Second invisible man running around trying to kill her. V. weird.
Creep orchestrating murder attempts turned out to be friend of M's claiming to be self's son. Am indignant, as never fathered anything so in need of bath. Skinner jumped on other invisible man to stop him from violating daughter; Skinner all right, really. League showed up in time to have lots of fun with gang of ruffians. Mina v. well fed. Thug claiming to be son tried to shoot Sawyer and Skinner; daughter picked up rifle and shot him in head. Told wife she gets it from me. Daughter then fainted. Told wife she gets it from her.
12 September 1899: Daughter still delirious, but recovering. Sawyer sits at bedside a lot, v. hopeful for happy ending. League held conference about keeping daughter. Nemo made v. nice speech about caring for self's child.
13 September 1899: Daughter well enough to have visitors, v. pleased to see Skinner not dead. Suspect Skinner of being more fond of daughter than previously realized.
18 September 1899: Sawyer still visiting daughter daily. Daughter's crush on Sawyer fading due to lack of requite; so much for Sawyer as son-in-law. Think Sawyer figured out that Skinner has thing for daughter. Sawyer smarter than whole League put together sometimes. Daughter oblivious, big surprise.
19 September 1899: League decided to go to Egypt next. Informed daughter of decision to adopt her, daughter almost cried again. Definitely gets that from mother, as self never cries. No, really.