Allan Observes: A TPDoEQ Special Edition

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Allan is a funny, funny dead man. Thanks to everyone who provided help with this particular version of things...you know who you are.


3 May 1900. Watched while Skinner sneaked into daughter's room as she slept and filched one of her gloves. Went downtown and purchased engagement ring. Not really ready to propose, but wanted to be prepared, evidently. Wives v. swoony. Daughter and Sawyer spent afternoon with Sawyer's friend Becky while Skinner worked on proposal technique. Had v. amusing conversation with dead self. Skinner all right, really.

4 May 1900. Received memo from Lord of Universe today, asking self to reduce use of profanity. Will try, but not promising anything. Could only watch in horror (along with wives, son, and everyone else taking interest in situation) as Everett blackmailed daughter into accepting marriage proposal. Wants to get self's papers and find way back to King Solomon's mine to become wealthy. Dragging daughter along for ride, basically. Would happily help Skinner kill him, but Skinner half-dead with grief himself. Went to tavern after engagement announced and drank himself stupid. Sawyer had to almost drag him back to hotel. League v. worried about daughter and Skinner both.

5 May 1900. Shopaholic daughter not enjoying her foray into town to buy wedding attire. Never saw offspring so miserable. Assorted Greek philosophers holding large-scale debate over who suffers more, daughter or Skinner. Am not remotely amused.

8 May 1900. Wedding plans are go. Skinner mildly suicidal. Sawyer frantic. V. proud of Sawyer; seems to be only one who knows something is wrong. Cornered daughter and attempted to force truth from her, but daughter held firm. Daughter v. frightened of Everett, who threatens to kill Sawyer and frame Skinner for crime. Cannot really blame her for fears, but yelled at her to tell Sawyer. Still dead, so no response. Sawyer found friend Becky, and daughter confided all to her, but swore Becky to secrecy so not much help.

9 May 1900. Skinner heard daughter crying and got v. angry. Confronted Everett, who admitted having no love for daughter. Made snide comment about 'taking the blush off your English rose,' provoked Skinner into homicide attempt. Am thoroughly on Skinner's side, but thuggish bodyguards promptly took Skinner and dumped him in abandoned coal mine until after wedding. Engagement dinner commenced as planned, then Everett told daughter about Skinner's current plight to ensure her good behavior. Luckily, Sawyer listening at keyhole, heard whole story. Go Sawyer! League now planning elaborate rescue during wedding tomorrow. Am sufficiently cheered by new development to reopen betting pool, taking wagers on outcome. Stand to win plenty if League succeeds.

If League fails, well...trying not to contemplate.

10 May 1900. Everett learned hard way: Do not censored with League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Sawyer and Hyde plucked Skinner out of mine while Nemo and Mina pretended all was normal at wedding. Daughter v. pale and terrified until Mina managed to slip her news of rescue-in-progress. Daughter recovered Quatermain courage and continued with pantomime wedding until Skinner's dramatic appearance, just in time to object. Sawyer v. smug.

Skinner really should have taken hint from daughter flinging herself into his arms, but Skinner sometimes almost as thick as daughter.

12 May 1900. Daughter sick of people asking about wedding story. Just wants to be left alone. Everett going to prison, along with flunkies who helped with Skinner's kidnapping; daughter is safe from him forever. Daughter and League traded stories over dinner until everything known by everyone. Sawyer assured daughter that League loves her even if she is pain in proverbial fanny.

Daughter and Skinner, however, still acting like strangers. Not sure how to fix this. Wives keep pointing out that self cannot intervene, as still dead. Wives seem to think self capable of forgetting relative transparency and inability to cuddle with shiny rifle.

Miss Matilda...Matilda never talked back.

14 May 1900. Ought to smack daughter. Wondering why Skinner confronted Everett, what was said. Is not sure if Skinner was just protecting because protecting is what he does, or if Skinner was afraid of losing daughter. Tried to get daughter's attention by tugging ribbon out of hair, but have not mastered aspects of haunting and only made her think room was breezy. Will find out who to bribe to spell out message in clouds, if necessary. Tired of waiting.

16 May 1900. Skinner and Sawyer had last words with Everett before state marshals carted jackass off to prison. Town threw huge goodbye party for departing League. Am not certain if town celebrating League as heroes, or partying because can't wait to get rid of League. Bartender sorry to see Skinner leaving, at least; invisible man's depression v. profitable.

19 May 1900. Daughter and Skinner both v. moody on train back to submarine. Worse than watching lovesick vulture impressions. Suspect League of wanting to force them to talk, but League too polite. Daughter too depressed to write in diary -- v., v. bad sign. Skinner too depressed to drink -- could be first signal of impending Apocalypse.

21 May 1900. Jekylls back to work trying to restore Skinner's visibility. Betting pool active once again, taking wagers on invisible man's eye and hair colour. Daughter puttering aimlessly. Sawyer played chess with daughter, got her to admit truth without actually saying it. Sawyer clever lad. Sawyer later tried to convince Skinner to go to daughter and confess feelings, Skinner not having it. Skinner bloody idiot, seems to think daughter might have actually wanted to marry Everett. Would give good smack upside head, but still dead. Not worried, however, as suspect Sawyer may do it for me.

27 May 1900. Daughter and Skinner actually had conversation. Rather pointless conversation, must admit, but must start somewhere. Haunting each other's dreams, v. entertaining to see -- or would be, if someone else's bloodline were at stake instead of self's.

30 May 1900. Skinner turns out to be blue-eyed redhead. Won bet on eyes, but lost on hair; put money on Skinner having black hair. Not bad-looking chappie, really; could get decently cute grandchildren out of match if ever gets act together. Daughter rather speechless, evidently finds visible Skinner v. attractive. Must go thrash Chaucer, who has opened own betting pool and is taking wagers on Skinner forgetting and wandering around naked. Not funny.

Well, okay, maybe a little funny.

2 June 1900. Skinner slightly annoyed with daughter for first time in...ever, actually. Asked her opinion on visibility. Daughter assured him that if he was happy, she was happy. Understood what daughter meant, but share Skinner's irritation, since Skinner hoping to get clue from daughter's response. Skinner still not sure how to proceed.

In interest of counteracting afterlife boredom, have started collecting suggestions from various observers as to what Skinner should do. Some answers:

"Stealth snog." Interesting premise, although not personally interested in seeing Skinner abruptly snogging daughter.

Throw surprise wedding and not give her chance to refuse; smuggle minister on board. Impractical, as Nautilus is at sea, but amusing notion.

Slip engagement ring on daughter's hand while sleeping; then, in morning, act surprised and hurt when daughter does not remember accepting proposal. Daughter will feel hideously guilty and pretend to remember event which never happened.

Third option not a bad suggestion, really. Would certainly work.

5 June 1900. Well, about bloody time. Skinner finally confronted daughter in room, had long verbal dance -- something about attention and flattery and sparrows. Wives loved sparrow comment. Actually escalated into mild argument, Skinner provoked into admitting he loves daughter. Daughter almost fell over from shock, decided must be dreaming. Thick-headed offspring really unbelievable sometimes. Skinner responded by snogging daughter senseless. Could not quite bring self to watch, must now get in habit of looking away periodically. Skinner neglected to bring ring to confrontation, or would have proposed on spot, but decided he can wait a while; was too busy being happy about whole situation. Assuming all goes as expected, self will be getting Skinner for son-in-law after all. Can live with that.

Wait, no. Still dead. Can't live with it.