- Gone Forever
Dude, she's alive! *oohs and aahs can be heard* Yeap, I *am* alive..just had some serious writer's block. And I have wayyy too many fics on the go. I have like, 10 I'm working on right now...and I start a new one every week o_0; This was just something to keep the kensuke mind going...cause I haven't seen a lot of fics out there lately x.X Plus I needed something to get my mind off of Longing Love for a while ^^; Anyway, yeap...as you can tell, its a yaoi fic. More Daiken than Kensuke...or is it? o.0; Kinda sad...anyway, read on! ^^
Disclaimer – Whoosh! Lets see...we'll have Ken and Daisuke making out in every eppy...maybe have Takeru and Wallace...NO! Wallace and Daisuke..erm...nah...Takeru and Iori? ....and Miyako and Hikari...Taichi and Yamato...*rambles on* That's how it should be ;P So as you can see, I don't own Digimon :P Never have, never will.
Love blooms in the wildest places
Sometimes such things are hard to find
However, if you find it, be sure to hold it in the palm of your hand
Because love doesn't last forever
And one day it shall slip through your fingers
- Crow (Yeah, I'm a crappy poet...more of a writer ;P)
I sat across the computer room, the chair turned backwards and my arms and head resting against the back of it. We were having another one of our meetings, meaning I wasn't the only one there. Well, at least *I* knew that I was there, I wasn't sure about the others. They seemed to be in their own little world, each talking and laughing about school and other things. This was supposed to be a meeting about *Digimon*, right? So why weren't we talking about what we should be? I wasn't sure, but I didn't care.
Why had I even showed up for this dumb meeting? Its not like they'd miss me. If they cared about anything, they would have noticed that something was wrong with me by now. I wasn't my normal jerk of a self. In fact, I had broken off all ties that I could. The only reason I was here now was because Chibimon had begged me to come, wanting no more that see his other Digimon friends for once. I couldn't deny the small bundle of blue anything, so here I was, sitting quietly, while the others chatted on and on like I wasn't even there. The only person who had seemed to acknowledge I was even there was Ken, who's questioning look made me look away. He knew that something was up, but I couldn't tell him. Not yet at least.
My eyes turned to Patamon, who had leapt onto Takeru's head, making his hat slid down over his eyes. The only thing visible on Takeru's face was the wide grin that he wore. He started laughing, and the others joined in. That's when my gaze turned to Hikari, who had been almost sitting on his lap. Normally I would have freaked out, with them being so close and all, but once again, it didn't matter to me. My eyes flicked to her hand, which was now in Takeru's. I should have been jealous, right? I had always dreamed of her hand in mine, the sweet smell of her hair, which smelled of strawberries..but that dream was gone. My mind went back to a few weeks ago, I had stopped her in the empty halls, ready to let go.
She had turned, frowning. She had never liked it when I had called her that. I noticed that when Takeru said something along that line, she smiled with joy and happiness. I guess it didn't go the same for me, because she never smiled when I called her that. Maybe I was too persistent? I never tried to be...all I wanted was to be a good friend, even if I *did* have a crush on her. I was always trying to show off around her, trying to get attention. I guessed she noticed the serious look on my face as I approached.
"What's up Daisuke?" She asked, showing very little emotion.
I stopped in front of her, not sure of what to say. "Nothing..well.."
She raised an eyebrow, awaiting my explanation. I decided to just let it all out.
"You really like Takeru don't you?"
She didn't answer, and as I searched for it in her eyes, I could tell that she did. I wasn't going to stand in their way anymore. She deserved someone better than me. Someone who had always been there for her, was her friend in the worst of times, and knew her like the back of their hand. She had known Takeru for allher life, and the only thing that had been standing in their way had been me. I had finally realized this, stepping back into the darkness as they glowed brightly. If Hikari was happy, then I was happy. I would have done anything for her. Now was my chance to prove that. It was time to let go.
I guess that was one of the reasons I had let her go. Tuning back into the real word, I looked over at Miyako and Ken. Ken had his arm around Miyako, who was smiling like she had just won a hundred dollars. Of course she had, she now had Ken wrapped around her little finger. I glared at that thought. It was clear that they were now a couple. I guess it was my fault; I pushed them together. I had to hand it to Miyako, she had it good. There, her friends sitting around her, all laughing and talking, with her new addition to her collection. She had everything I had always wanted, dreamed of. Foolish as I am, I had thrown it all away. It was my fault, and I couldn't blame anyone but myself.
"Daisuke!" I turned to find Ken, who was running up to me.
I had been late to class, so I had had detention that day. The sky was now a brilliant pink and orange, with the sun setting in the horizon. The color made his face dance with the colors, and I wasn't sure if it was me or not, but it looked like he was blushing. I immediately had brushed that idea off. I mean, why would Ken be blushing?
Catching his breath, he looked me in the eye, his facial expression serious. "Can I talk to you?"
If I had only known then...if I had only known....
Maybe I could have stopped what was to come. Maybe if I had put my ego behind me...maybe if I had actually stopped to think...but no, I had to do it the old Daisuke way. Of course, I regret it now. It was one of those mistakes that you just can't forget. Especially since that person is now with a girl who you know he doesn't love, and you've finally realized the feelings that you have for them. Why couldn't I have seen it earlier? Maybe if I had taken the hints...if I hadn't continued the charade with Hikari. I had thought that I loved her, and maybe I did at one point, but she was nothing but a cover up..and I hadn't realized that until it was too late. My fault...
"You...love me?" I blinked, staring at him with wide eyes, and a questioning look. Maybe I had been right about the blushing..because now he sure looked a pure shade of red.
He nodded, eyes to the ground. I knew that it had to be hard for him. He had gone through so much...and it had affected him. He was usually so quiet and shy....but as his waiting gaze turned to me, I could see the fire in his eyes. He was telling the truth. How was I to act? I could have turned away, telling him I was not interested in the same sex, I could have freaked out over it, telling him never to touch me again, or I could have just told him straight forward...but for some reason, I couldn't say anything. My mind was a blank, along with my heart. The most I could do was just stare at him, and silently walk away. I felt his eyes on my back, and knew that they were in pain.
"It's Hikari, isn't it?" He asked quietly, the pain in his voice was heartbreaking. I stopped walking, but I couldn't turn around to face him. Hikari? I was so sure that she was the answer...but I couldn't find my voice. Something was stopping me from saying it.
"She's in love with Takeru, you know..." He spoke up, and I could now hear coldness to his voice. It was clear that I had hurt him, and I knew too well. "And he shares the same feelings."
I clenched my hands, my eyes to the ground. He had touched where it hurt; really hurt. I knew that he was trying to get me to see things his way, but at the time, Hikari was the world to me. I don't remember what happened after that. All I know is that I left, tears running down my face. I never looked back once.
That had been weeks ago. Night after night I spent in my room, his words echoing through my head. I can't remember all the times I cried myself to sleep, only to wake up in the morning with the pillow still wet. I didn't understand why it hurt so much. Was it what he had said about Hikari? It was then I had made my decision to let go of her.
She smiled at me, the first real smile that she had ever given to me. She didn't need to say anything as she turned, and walked away. I knew that she was happy, and I had done her a favor. Takeru would be there for her now, like I never could.
Through the silence, I felt the need to whisper what was on my mind. "Goodbye Hikari-san..."
Weeks ago, but it was still fresh in my mind. We hadn't really talked since then. No one talked to me. One less hardship, right? That's what I was. A nothing, a nobody. A total nuisance to the group. I knew that that was what they thought of me. I could tell. Here I was sitting in my own little world of depression, and the one person I had hurt the most was the only one who even noticed that I was in the room. Hurt. One of the many things I was suffering from.
"Ken finally agreed to go out with me!" Squealed Miyako, clenching her fists and jumping up and down. She had Ken on an invisible leash, that only I could see. He was smiling, like he should have, but I could see straight through it. I had broken his heart, and he had finally given in to Miyako. Something else to blame myself for, right? He was now in the hands of someone he didn't love, looking for any bit of love and companionship that would help heal.
I stood there, silently, like I had been for the past few days. I had spent a lot of time thinking, coming to one conclusion. That conclusion was that I truly did love Ken, and I hadn't even known it. We had been there for each through think and thin. At one point, we were best friends. I've never had anyone like that y'know? Nobody was willing to sit and listen to my story. Not until he came. If only I had realized it sooner...
It hurt. Miyako and Ken were crowded by the others, congratulations and laughing ringing out. I should have been there, but my heart held me. A pain..in my heart? Another sign that I had been right. It was the pain of seeing my one true love in the arms of another, and knowing that I had caused this.
Why was I so stubborn? Why was I such a jerk? Most of all, why was I even alive? I didn't deserve life. None of these feelings would have happened. I would have saved both Ken and myself from the hardship. It's not like anyone really needed me anyway.
Depression. I knew that was the direction I was headed, if not already there. It took a lot out of me to not cry in front of the others. I could spend hours and hours, just sitting by myself and crying. Chibimon was there for me of course, but I couldn't tell him what was going on in my pathetic mind. He'd just tell the others, so they could make things worse.
At the thought of the others, I snapped out of my thoughts only to look up and see Miyako plant a kiss on Ken's cheek. I couldn't take any more of this. I was going to break – and I couldn't do it in front of them. Not when everyone was there to watch, to stare.
Standing up abruptly, I left the room. I'm not even sure if they noticed me leave or not. I didn't care. I needed to get out. I stepped out into the late afternoon air, my hair blowing slightly in the wind. The fresh air cooled me down, refreshing me, taking my mind with it. I leaned back against the hard bricks of the school, closing my eyes. I needed the quiet time to collect myself, to clear all thoughts. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't hold it back. I felt myself slowly sink to the ground beneath me, tears already making their way down my face.
I'm a guy, right? And guys are supposed to be strong..even in the toughest of times. But I'm not. I'm weak. Like a flower in the wind, blowing every which way. There's no direction for me to follow. I'm alone on the path of life. I had held my life in the palm of my hand, only to clench my fingers tight and have it slip through my fingers, so it was gone forever. But maybe I'm just exaggerating...things don't really leave forever, do they? Maybe one day the door to opportunity will open once more, embracing me with open wings. I only wish that that day would come soon, before it's too late.
Not how I really intended it to end...but close to it :P God I'm bad...to Daisuke anyway o.0 I suck at making sad fics too x_x...just thought it would be different from all my other fics...o.o