Author's notes: I'm back with a humor fic this time. Since humor is not my forte I want you to bear with me please, I just thought it would be funny. Also this fic was inspired by Halo Bender Ronin Warrior fic "Goin' Nuts". I tried to only keep it an inspiration and to add my own touch to the idea of group therapy, since I respect Bender very much and doesn't want this fic to be a plagiat (which is something I hate). If you feel this is too much like the original please tell me and I will take it down.
Disclaimer: If I owned Beyblade Kai and Tala would be an official couple. Since this is not the case I logically don't own Beyblade.
Warning: PG-13 for yaoi, language, and humor. TalaxKai pairing at the end too. Other than that you are pretty much safe so enjoy!
Group Therapy, I Don't Think So!
by Shadow of Arashi
"Remind me why we are here again Bryan."
"Because, my dearest leader, we were declared unstable and too dangerous for society. And this is why we are all going through group therapy."
"I still don't understand why I'm here. I'm not even part of your team anymore."
Kai crossed his arms and glared at Tala, who glared back. Bryan glared at Kai for glaring at Tala, which in turns cause Kai to glare at both Bryan and Tala. Spencer and Ivan glanced at each other, then shrugged and sit down on the chairs that were scattered across the room in a circle.
"Well just bear it with us Kai, it's not like we ask for it anyway."
Kai glared some more, before finally sighing and sat down as well. Tala sat on the chair next to him, followed by Bryan.
Kai then looked around the plain white room; nothing worth noticing was here except a ceiling fan, a large mirror on one of the walls and a window with equally white curtains.
A minute later a young doctor stepped into the door. He smiled warmly at the teens and sat down on a chair, facing them.
"Hello, I will be your therapist for today. I hope you are comfortable."
The doctor didn't receive an answer, except for a snort of disbelief from Bryan.
"Yes Bryan, is there something you want to tell us?"
"Are you sure, sometimes it's good to talk about one's problem."
"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!! MY ONLY PROBLEM IS YOU!! NOW LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
Bryan yelled, already starting to lose his temper.
The doctor sighed and rubbed his forehead. It was going to be harder than he thought. He discreetly looked toward the mirror, knowing that being it was help.
For this was a false mirror, not unlike the ones used by the police which allow people to look at what was going on without being seen themselves.
In the small dark room, Mr. Dickenson shook his head sadly. He then turned to face the beyblade teams which were watching the scene with him.
"You understand now why I had to do this. I couldn't leave them by themselves."
The Bladebreakers, White Tigers, Majestic and All Stars nodded slowly.
"Still, I can't believe you put Kai with them. He can barely stand the guys."
"I know Rei, but it was necessary. Now let's see how they are doing, their problems can't be that bad."
"Bryan please calm down, I didn't mean to offend you or anything. Now let's all talk. You can talk about everything you want; you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. How does that sound."
The doctor said gently, hoping to sooth the teen. Bryan seems to consider it before he slumped down on his chair in defeat. Tala and Kai shook their heads while Spencer and Ivan stayed oblivious.
"And what do you want to talk about?"
The doctor smiled and clapped his hands.
"How about yourself? Like the things you like?"
Bryan raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.
"Fine, I like the color lavender and the flower of the same name. I don't have a favorite food but I love birds and my beyblade. I hate Boris and Voltaire as well as Tyson - 'cos he is a pig, man did you see that guy eat?! - and that stupid neko boy that beat me in the world championship. Who the FUCK does he think he is?! If I face against him again in a bey stadium I will turn him into cat food! I got the worth punishment ever because I lost to him!"
"YOU BASTARD SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!! DIE!! I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR PUNISHMENT! IT WILL BE NOTHING NEXT TO WHAT I WILL DO TO YOU!!!"
"NO REI DON'T JUMP ON THE MIRROR!"
"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM! I'M NOT A PIG! LET ME AT HIM!"
"ARGH! NOT YOU TOO TYSON!"
"What was that?"
Kai asked, puzzled at the faint, strange growling sound that seems to have echoed into the room.
"Nothing, there is no sound. It's just your imagination."
The doctor quickly said with a large smile. Kai and Tala exchange a glance and warily pushed their chairs backward from a few steps.
Just at this moment Bryan let out a yell of rage and jumped on his chair, face red and steam literally coming out of his ears.
"I'M NOT MENTAL CASE! I repeat I'm NOT crazy! Nor am I a SADIST! I don't skin cats alive for the hell of it, I don't do rape and I DO NOT like to hurt people!! I only hurt people who deserve it or when I'm under orders. I had enough torture at the Abbey not to turn into a fucking monster ala Boris! So STOP looking at me like I'm a fricking BOMB about to go off! I'm actually quite sensitive and emotional; I just don't deal well with my feelings that's all! I'm a romantic at heart and I hate the sight of blood! All I wanted was a simple life with someone by my side, preferably on the country side, maybe a farm with horses and chickens 'cos they taste yummy... AND ALL I GOT WAS A CRAZY BIT BEAST AND FIGHTING! Life is bloody unfair!!"
Bryan fell down on his chair with a sob and processed to bawl his eyes out in complete misery.
The room fell into shocked silence.
"... I take back what I said. The poor guy. sniff"
Finally Tala gingerly tapped his friend's shoulder, only to yelp in fright when Bryan hugged him tightly and cried on his shirt.
Tala moaned and raised his eyes skyward.
Everything went silent again, until a small giggle was heard.
"It's not me."
giggles giggles giggles
"sighs Not me either."
Everybody glanced at Kai, who was indeed laughing like a maniac and holding his sides as tears of laughers streamed down his cheeks.
"I'm sorry! It's.. just... too hilarious!! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!"
Finally Kai couldn't take it anymore and he fell down on the ground, still laughing.
Steam started to pour out of Bryan's ears again.
"Wonderful, Bryan is going postal and Kai is laughing himself into a coma. What the fuck am I doing here anyway?!"
"Kai can laugh??! choking sounds"
"NOOO! Don't have a heart attack Tyson! BREATH!!"
"MOVE OVER MAX! I will do CPR!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!! Don't come near me Hilary!!"
Bryan suddenly howled like a wolf and pounced on Kai faster than you could say Holy Bit Beast when it was clear that the other boy wasn't going to stop anytime soon. He started to strangle the two tone hair boy, a crazed smile on his face.
Tala's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates before he jumped on Bryan's back and attempted - key word being attempted - to pry his team mate away from Kai.
The doctor jumped on his feet as well and screamed.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!! BRYAN LET GO OF KAI RIGHT NOW!!"
Time seemed to freeze. Bryan slowly let go of Kai's neck, eyes wide. Tala jumped down from Bryan's back and kneeled next to Kai who was gasping like a fish out of water.
"I think so."
Kai slowly get up on his feet and turned a murderous glare on Bryan.
"ARE YOU REALLY INSANE?! It's not a fucking psy you need; it's an ARMY OF PSY for ANGER MANAGEMENT!! I wasn't even laughing at you, just the things you said!"
Bryan flushed and looked away. But it stopped as quickly as it came and Bryan glared at Kai.
"I don't believe you, you are just being your usual jerk self."
The doctor fell limply on his chair and sighed. But Kai wasn't done either as he also jumped on his chair as Bryan had done earlier.
"I have more than enough of people always thinking the worst of me EVERYTIME I DO or SAY something! I'm NOT AN EMOTIONLESS FREAK, I'm NOT a COLD HEARTED JERK either and I do NOT try to bring down people!! I DO NOT TREAT PEOPLE AS MY SLAVES NOR DO I BELIEVE MYSELF BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE! Do you think it's easy to be me??! I always have to watch myself to be the best, to be perfect in everything. I always have to be the strongest, the smartest, the one who knows all the answers and that can't be beaten and not even because I WANT IT, but because my GRANDFATHER BEAT IT INTO ME AT AGE 5! I never asked to be a human machine that can only play beyblade! I wanted to be a normal boy, that's all I asked! Do you know how many times I wished I could just laugh along with the Bladebreakers or share a piece of candy with Max without having to worry about what other will think of me? Or how many times I wanted to say 'good job Rei!' or 'you were awesome Tyson but you need to practice just a little bit more' instead of 'you good for nothing pig, go back to training now!' But noooo, because of my stupid training all I was allowed to do was train, train and train again! I can't cry or show my emotions and god forbids I show weakness. And you know what's worse? That EVERYBODY expect me to act like that. I'm just the team captain because I'm a good blader but I know they will just throw me away when they won't need me anymore, they always do and it fucking hurt! I'm a human teenager too, not a fucking trophy nor a machine!!"
"Whoah, who would have though that Kai was such an emotional bundle of nerves?"
Ivan finally uttered in shock.
Kai just howled and kneeled over on the ground where he processed to bang his head against his chair.
"Kai I'm sorry! If I had knew how you felt I would have listen to you. I swear I will never complain about your training anymore!"
"I'm sure he will love that Tyson."
The doctor shakily cleared his throat and glanced at Tala.
"Ok, now anyone else? Maybe you mr.Ivanov?"
"I don't have anything to say, I don't have a problem."
Ivan couldn't help snickers at this and said something in Russian that made Spencer choke, Bryan smile and Kai to stop banging his head against the chair.
Tala went red at whatever the small Russian said and he - you guess it - jumped on his chair.
"THAT'S IT! I'm NOT GIRLY! I do NOT, I repeat, I do NOT look like a girl and my hair doesn't look like a bird nest! That's Johnny's hair, not mine. I'm tired of being told that because of my red hair and pale skin, I'm more masculine that Bryan or Kai and I can be a worse prick than them put together. I have muscles thank you very much, I was trained enough at the Abbey and need I remind you I'm a cyborg thanks to Boris, so NO I'm NOT GIRLY! That's Kai's field, you should see him with his hair down, now that's a girly looking boy. Not that I mind, 'cos he is cute with his hair down and he has some rather feminine curves to his body under his clothes but I digress. Anyway I'm also NOT Boris's pet! I hate that guy and the only reason I obey his orders is because I don't have anywhere else to go, I'm a friggin' orphan! Also contrary to popular belief I'm not a psychotic murdering freak, I like peace and quiet and tea, not vodka. And do NOT call me Wolfie or I will have to hurt you."
"My hair does NOT look like a bird nest!!"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence Robert."
"OH MY GOD TALA LIKES KAI??!!"
"Always behind everyone aren't you Tyson..."
"Feminine curves? Have you been checking me out Tala?"
Kai asked with wide eyes. Tala looked away but one could swear he had a bit of red on his cheeks.
"Do you mind?"
Kai smiled brightly, a smile which was quickly answered by Tala's own smile. The two just stood there, lost in each other eyes.
Bryan blinked. Ivan blinked. Spencer blinked. They swore they could see little hearts and sparkles around the two.
"Tala and Kai sitting in a three kissing!!"
Ivan couldn't help himself as he started dancing and singing around the room. The others busted out laughing, minus the doctor, Kai and Tala.
Tala and Kai snapped out of their trance and blushed.
Tala snapped, with little success. Bryan had now imitated Ivan and was dancing around the room as well while Spencer was rocking back and forth on his chair.
Finally Tala screamed and jumped after Bryan who ran off at top speed with a yelp. The doctor jumped out of their way and started yelling once more.
"STOP IT! STOP THIS NONSENSE RIGHT NOW!!"
Ivan started running again across the room but he was now yelling "I'm a lumberjack" at the top of his lungs, Spencer was still rocking himself on his chair and Kai just kneeled on his chair and started praying in despair.
The doctor finally cracked and a raging inferno suddenly appears behind him.
"STOP RIGHT NOW YOU BUNCH OF FUCKING NUTCASES! YOU ARE SICK! NOBODY CAN HELP YOU!! STOP IT NOW!!"
"Now all of you shut up, I don't want to hear a fucking sound out of you, not even an eep, is that clear."
The doctor muttered breathlessly, eyes twitching.
Tala couldn't resist.
The doctor jumped at Tala like a Jack-in-the-box and tried to claw Tala's eyes out.
The Russian red head ran away for dear life like a wolf with his tail between his legs.
Bryan ran after them and yelled insults in Russian as he jumped around like a rabbit.
Ivan squealed and jumped sky high to escape certain death when the doctor and Tala took a turn toward him and clinged to the ceiling fan. Soon he was going round and round squealing like a baby on a sugar rush.
Spencer grabbed the chairs and started throwing them in every direction while screaming "I'm a mountain bear heard me roar!".
Kai stopped praying as soon as the insanity began and climbed the curtains in record time, shaking like a leaf.
Tala finally had enough and he took out his beyblade and launcher.
"That's it! Go Wolfborg! Let it rip!"
Wolfborg jumped at the doctor, who stopped chasing Tala and squealed in terror before ran for the door.
"YOU ARE ALL INSANE! TERMINALLY INSANE!! INSANE!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!"
The doctor's voice boomed across the room as he ran away like a madman, eyes wide and drool coming out of his mouth.
The Demolition Boys and Kai blinked, looked at each other and shrugged.
Tala and Bryan stopped running, Spencer stopped throwing chairs, Kai climbed down the curtains and Ivan let go of the ceiling fan to fall into Spencer's opened arms. All in all, they were acting as if nothing had happened.
Kai threw a winning smirk at Tala and ran a hand through his hair.
"Well, congratulation guys. I think we just drove our therapist insane."
Tala rolled his eyes and slipped an arm around Kai's waist.
"Who cares, it got him out of our way right? I still can't believe he fell for all that crap."
"I still can't believe you guys decided to choose group therapy to come out of the closet."
Bryan added, raising an eyebrow at the two Russians who were now cuddling. Kai looked at him, before suddenly sticking out his tongue at Bryan.
"I still can't believe you try to choke me, I thought you were serious."
"Shall we go now?"
Ivan suddenly asked from his spot on Spender's shoulders. The others shrugged.
They went on their way to freedom but just as they were going to leave they all heard a loud bang.
"What was that?"
If they had noticed the door next to their therapy room, they would have notice the different beyblade teams and Mr. Dickenson out cold on the floor with swirly eyes.
Shadow: Just a little try at another humor fic, I don't know if it came out alright though. If you are wondering they are all out cold in the end because of the shock of seeing the Demolition Boys and Kai acting so out of character. I hope you guys all enjoy it!