12 Ways To Go Insane
Full Summary: Lily's always yelling at James, whose gone nuts trying to get her to like him. Sirius is his usual crazy self. Alice and Dorcas have gone nuts from all the fighting. Petunia and Vernon are crazy, as are their friends. And well…what can you expect from a werewolf and a later-traitor? 12 Ways To Go Insane shows how all of these characters get through – or don't – the insanity that circles them all, whether it be the dilemma of Lily and James or the war of the Wizarding World.
Disclaimer: Don't sue me! The poptarts made me kidnap them, I promise!
A/Nz: We, Super Shayde and eRiiCa (not my pen name), would like to formally welcome you to a whole new evolution of L/J fanfiction. Because, we aren't going to have clichés, or at least we won't have many. We're trying to avoid them. Enjoy. ON, ON WITH THE STORY WE SAY!!
((eRiiCa: Here plot bunny! Come here! ::catches plot bunny:: Hehehe, you'll be of much use later!))
Chapter 1- French Toast and a Mother's Proposal
The smell of food cooking down the hall and through the third door on the right was most definitely enough to call Lily Evans from her room, regardless of the fact that she had been half asleep.
Still rather tired, she yawned and made her way to the kitchen, eyes half-closed but still determined to get her across the house without bashing into a wall.
She stepped into the room and said, "Mornin' mum." in a sleepy voice. Her mother turned and gestured happily towards the table saying, "I made your favorite, french toast."
Petunia made a small grunt of acknowledgement as Lily sat down. Her mother placed two warm pieces of french toast onto her blue plate, and Lily found herself hesistating from her meal for a moment to let the scent of the cinnamon and sugar dustings waft into her nostrils.
"How is Vernon, Pet?" their mother asked conversationally, making breakfast for herself.
"He's good," Petunia answered, suddenly brightening, "He got a very prestigious job from the drill company!"
"Congratulations," Lily yawned, biting into another neatly cut piece of toast.
"And how are your friends, Lily? You should invite them over for the break!" Mrs. Evans suggested, taking a seat herself, "They've only visited a few times…"
Petunia groaned miserably and said, "Do they have to? Her friends are so abnormal!"
Lily rolled her eyes at Petunia's comment before saying airily, "If you want to talk about abnormal people than I think you should take a closer look at Vernon."
Her mother interrupted what was about to become a heated argument by saying, "Well, how about Alice and Dorcas? And perhaps that nice James fellow that sends you letters everyday!"
"NO! NOT. POTTER. I AM NOT. INVITING. JAMES POTTER. TO OUR HOUSE. NO! NO! NO! NOT HAPPENING! DON'T EVEN SUGGEST SUCH TORTURE!" screamed Lily, still recovering from the gagging reflex that had come into play at her mother's suggestion.
"I thought I already had suggested it, Lily," her mother sighed, "But he does seem to want to be friends with you, after all."
"Friends?" Lily repeated, glad she wasn't about to digest anything at the time, "James Potter is the most arrogant, moronic toerag I have ever met in my life! Along with that Sirius Black, of course!"
"Well, yes," her mother mumbled, "If you say so, but I think you're being too harsh to some people!"
"You don't know James Potter," Lily said darkly from behind her eggs.
"And you don't know Vernon!" Petunia retorted, "Saying he's abnormal!" she sniffed, "Why, he's the most normal man I've ever known! Not like your friends, who are always gushing over the toaster!"
Her mother shook her head at the two bickering girls and said, "I have an idea on how you can both prove each other wrong."
Both girls' attention abruptly turned to their mother. Smiling gently, Mrs. Evans said, "We'll invite Lily's friends and this 'James' boy. Oh, and his friends too. And we'll invite Petunia's friends along with Vernon and his friends."
Both girls dropped their mouths in horror and they began spouting off noisy and quite incomprehensible sentences.
"And I," their mother added, "Will not take 'no' for an answer. Its simply the only way you two can learn to connect!"
"Mum!" Petunia cried, her fork clattering to the table with a clang, "I'll be embarrassed forever! You can't do this to me!"
"Nor me!" Lily added, "I refuse to do this! James is enough torture, but forcing my friends to interact with him? And make them go face to face with Petunia's horrible minions as well?"
"Girls," their mother said sharply, "If you refuse, I will ground you two from all forms of communication from your friends for all breaks this year! You simply need to learn to get along!"
"Fine," Petunia gave in tensely, "But my life shall be scarred! I'm sure that's going to make you all happy!"
"Your life is not scarred, Pet!" their mother cried exasperately, "This could the making of new friendships!"
"Yeah, right," Petunia snorted, sloshing around the maple syrup on her french toast.
Her mother looked at her reproachfully and said, "Well, that's not a good attitude to have!"
However, Lily, who had just opened her mouth to reply, quickly shut it as an owl flew in delivering what she called, 'Letters Of Death'.
She laughed joyously as the owl dropped the letter unceremoniously onto Petunia's head, causing Petunia to let out a loud shriek of terror.
"You know what," she said to the owl, "Stay. I think I'm actually going to read this letter, just because you dropped it on her head."
The owl hooted happily, and made it's way to the sink, where it attempted to drink the little drops of water in it.
She took the letter and had it snatched out of her hands. Petunia scowled at her and said irritably, "Let's see what your lover-boy has to say."
As soon as Petunia opened the letter, it burst into song. Worst of all, it was James Potter's voice.
"I call this Ode to Lily," his voice announced, the letter curling open upon the table. Lily stared at the letter, dumbfounded.
"Your hair is like a Fwoopers feathers
You'd live best in a home by Scottish heathers
You're really good at Charms, and I don't mean like Sirius
You make me really delirious
I'd give up my broom for you
I think of you all the time, even in the loo
Your eyes are like two emeralds
I'd even love you if you were completely bald
Your skin's so light and creamy
When I see you I get dreamy
I love you even though you seem to hate me
I bet if you were a dragon, you would've ate me
But I don't care
I'll always be there
To stick toffee in your hair!" it screeched.
"Does he do this often?" their mother asked uncertainly, covering her ears as it replayed the song.
"NO!" Lily screamed, feeling as if she could sink into the boards of the floor.
"Nice singing voice," Petunia sneered, covering her own ears, "I can't wait to hear the wonderfully deep love ballad he sings you tomorrow."
"Shut up," Lily muttered, grabbing the letter, "At least he can sing without sounding like a wounded walrus, unlike a certain boyfriend I could mention!"
"I suppose your little lover-boy sounds like a wounded whale, then?" Petunia screamed over the singing.
Lily tore the letter in half. The eloquently written letters glowed, but the singing did not cease.
In fact, to her utter horror, both sides began singing, increasing in volume.
"Oh god," their mother moaned, "Lily!"
"Its not my fault!" Lily screamed, grabbing a piece and tearing it again angrily.
"Make it stop, you moron!" Petunia screeched.
Lily stuffed the pieces under the fruit bowl on the table, and the sound abruptly ceased.
"That berk!" Lily screamed, "What if it had arrived while I was in the bathroom or something of the sort! Would I really have to decided to run to the kitchen and stick it under the stupid fruit bowl?!"
"I'm done with my breakfast," Petunia said smugly, rising from the table and depositing her dishes in the sink, "I'm off to meet Kathryn!" she sang.
"UGH! POTTER'S VOICE IS BETTER THAN YOURS!" Lily yelled as an elegant parting response.
Her mother chuckled lightly and said, "Well dear, you have excellent taste in musical talent."
Lily scowled and said, "Ha. Ha. SOO funny. You know, it's really not my fault that Potter is going through puberty and decided to send me a dumb song."
Her mother shook her head jokingly and said, "Well, sorry dear. But now I'm just more interested in meeting him. And that Sirius fellow too. Oh, and by the way, your father walked in as you said the word puberty. However, I guess he didn't want to know because he walked right back out."
Lily excused herself from the table and wrote out four different notes to her two friends, Potter, and Black.
Deciding to get the worst over with first, she picked up a quill and began to write.
Before you get all misty-eyed over the fact I'm writing to you, get these things into your head.
You are NOT a good singer.
What I'm about to say is NOT my idea.
I do NOT enjoy writing to you.
Anyway, my mum found your song amusing and decided that she wants to meet you. So, I'm being forced to invite you and Black over. I'm also inviting Alice and Dorcas. Oh, and it's my absolute pleasure to mention that you will be forced to spend time with my sister, her two dumb minions, her atrocious boyfriend, and a friend of his. So, I do hope you'll enjoy them EVER so much. Send me an owl not a singing one either about whether you can come.
Tying it to James' owl, she gave it an affectionate ruffle of its feathers before she allowed it to fly off. "At least his owl isn't an idiot," she found herself muttering, before starting on Black's letter, obviously the second hardest to write.
How are you? I hope you're doing well. NOT. I am, most unfortunately, required to invite you to my home, along with your absolutely delightful comrade Potter, by instruction of my mother. As well, Dorcas and Alice will be there, and, thankfully to give you a taste of your own medicine, my kind, generous sister and her even nicer friends, in addition to her wonderful, selfless boyfriend and his positively charming compatriots. If you believed a word of that, I pity your intelligence, Black.
Lily smiled and folded the letter, putting it on the table in a nonchalant manner. Grabbing some more parchment, she began writing slightly more desirable letters to her two best friends.
I'm dead. And I've gone to hell. Must have been that time I yelled at a first year for giggling before our end-of-year exams. My mum is making me invite Potter and Black to my house. Of course, needless to say, you and Dorcas are invited. But honestly. Today, Potter sent me this odd song thing he called 'Ode to Lily'. Is that stalker material yet? Because I'd really love to go to the Wizengamot and get a restraining order or something. Do you know what I had to do to shut that thing up? I bet your thinking something like 'Rip it in half twice and stick it under a fruit bowl. Right?' 'Cause that's exactly what I had to do! Oh, and you better come.
I don't want to be stuck in a room with Potter and Black without support.
Kathryn and Eileen are coming, along with Vernon and one of his friends.
If someone thinks I'm staying in that house without you and Dorcas, they're mad.
Please say you'll come!
Your Pleading And In So Much Need Of Help Friend,
She folded this letter, much more neatly than she had folded the previous two, and set it as far away as possible from Black's letter, as if the words would be polluted.
Sighing heavily, she started her last letter.
I desperately need help. Hell is practically about to knock on my door. Potter, Black, Kathryn, Eileen, and Vernon and a friend of his are coming, by my mother's orders! She wanted me to invite you and Alice too – like I wouldn't! – and you better come, or I'm seriously going to sucked into a world of misery while they're there. Can you believe what Potter did to me today? He sent me a singing letter. I won't go into detail on the song's words(too atrocious to be written down on my own parchment) but he called it 'Ode to Lily'. Charming. I really want to go out with him now, wouldn't you? The sound of his beautiful voice awoke my heart. That was sarcasm, Dorcas, by the way, but I am seriously hoping you knew that. And don't you dare show this to Potter – STOP telling me I like him, I DON'T – because sarcasm may not go past his thick skull.
Your Friend Who Is Practically Getting On Her Knees And Pleading,
"Finally," Lily sighed, gathering up the letters and going into her room.
Her owl sat on the windowsill, looking at her almost expectantly as she entered.
She tied the three scrolls to the owl's leg and said, "One to Dorcas, one to Alice, and one to Sirius Black."
Her owl looked almost surprised to hear a name not often spoken unless in contempt.
However, she hooted dolefully and soared out the window, leaving Lily to watch with only the light wind to throw some hair into her face.
"My mum," she said to herself, "Is insane."
A/N 2: SOOOOOOO! Wutcha think? Oh wait. YOU HAVE TO REVIEW TO TELL US. So review. Review we say!
eR ii Ca: Hehehe, Mr. Plot Bunny has began to show himself! :goes on bragging about how SHE caught the plot bunny herself:
Super Shayde: ::scowls:: I MADE THE ODE TO LILY!! I MADE IT I SAY!!
Wellllll…..review, or you'll be forced to listen to more of our speeches. Or worse! WE'LL HAVE JAMES SING TO YOU!!!
James: I Call This One….REVIEW.
If you want me to shut up,
You know what to do.
You people who are reading,
Well, that's enough of that for now. But he will sing more. So review. Or else.
Super Shayde: For your information, people, we wrote this together in a very..eloquent..design ::cough:: But some chapters may be written by only me or only eR ii Ca! Moofwafwafwafwafwa.
-- eR ii Ca && SUPAAAHHH SHAYDE !
P.S. ::opera style:: REVIEW, I SAY, REVIEW!!!