12 Ways To Go Insane

Disclaimer: No, we don't own anything – especially James' big, fat head.

Summary: Available in chapter 1 for only $19.95!

A/Ns: eRiiCa: guess who's back.. back again.. SUPER SHAYDE. Hahah. And me. And my hyperactivity. And my newly-dyed-orange plot bunny.

Super Shayde: Yes. We are back, finally, after prolonged kidnapping by EVIL POPTARTS. (Evil Poptarts: No, that's just what they want you to think. DON'T BELIEVE! DON'T BELIEVE!) …Yes. We are back with our oh-so-genius tendencies.

Chapter 3- Freak and Her Freaky Friends

-James-

"YES, YES, YES!" James cried triumphantly as he slapped his hand down on the buzzing alarm clock.

"TODAY IS THE DAY, SIRIUS! TODAY IS THE DAY I GO TO LILY'S HOME. HURRAY!"

"James," said Sirius, pushing his head off the pillow, "I don't know how to say this but: SHUT UP."

"Sirius," James continued, apparently not having heard a word his friend had said, "Today…today is the day! Today is the day I have been waiting for since the day I was born! Yes…yes, yes, this is the day. The Day, Sirius. The Day capitalized! It is that important! Forget about Christmas and Halloween, this is the DAY I SEE LILY!"

"Mate, you see Lily EVERYDAY from September 1st until the end of June.. how many Days are there?"

"This.. This is DIFFERENT. She actually… INVITED ME to her HOME. Maybe… I can find out more about her and start that Lily Shrine I always wanted."

((ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS, LILY SHRINES ARE AVAILABLE IN AISLE 9, ON THE THIRD SHELF TO THE RIGHT…))

"Or maybe you could go to St. Mungo's?" suggested Sirius.

"Maybe," James said dreamily, not paying attention. "Just maybe. So many possibilities, Sirius! What do I do?"

"I already told you… SHUT UP."

-Lily-

"NO, NO, NO!" Lily and Petunia Evans shrieked simultaneously.

"Girls!" Mrs. Evans chided, "The guests are coming soon. Stop acting like you're off your hinges!"

"Off my hinges?" Petunia demanded, "OFF MY HINGES? MOTHER, I AM BEYOND MY HINGES! I AM OFF THE DOOR!"

"I am dying," Lily said, "Or I soon will begin to. I'M ALL THE WAY ONTO THE BACKYARD!"

"WELL, GUESS WHAT?" Petunia yelled, "IF YOU'RE OFF ONTO THE BACKYARD, THEN I'M ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!"

"I need a vacation," Mrs. Evans muttered, pressing a hand to her forehead.

The doorbell rang.

"Oh, I hope its Vernon!" cried Petunia.

"Yes, please, let it be Vernon!" agreed Lily.

It was James Potter. And as he waited outside and listened to the bell ring, he whispered to Sirius, "It's like the music of Orpheus."

"It's like a doorbell." Said Sirius sarcastically.

Just then, a tall woman with a horse-shaped face and blonde hair opened the door. "VERNON!" she cried.

However, on seeing that it was the 'two freaks', she dropped the enthusiasm. "Oh. It's you."

"LILY, YOU LOOK… SO DIFFERENT!" cried James.

"I'm not that freak!" cried Petunia angrily, "I'm Petunia.. the NORMAL one."

"Oh," said James, losing interest.

"FREAK! TWO OF YOUR FREAKY FRIENDS ARE HERE," Screeched Petunia.

Lily ran downstairs, expecting Alice and Dorcas, but her momentum came to a screeching halt when she saw the two boys.

"HOW DARE YOU BE EARLY!" Lily screamed angrily.

"I wasn't the one who wanted to get up at the arse-crack of dawn!" Sirius argued.

"I was," James put in, staring at Lily's hair absent-mindedly.

"I think I knew that by now," Lily said.

Unknown to the two boys, a girl had walked up behind them, trying to see what the commotion was about. However, Lily noticed her mid-rant and paused.

Charging at the two boys with her arms open, James fully expected Lily to hug him, so when she kept going and wrapped a girl into an insane hug instead, he was quite put out.

Another girl and a boy came up next, and James scowled notably. "Who are they?" he asked Sirius irritably.

"Friends?"

"Shut up."

"Hey hey Elise and Hunter!" said Lily, sounding extremely odd to both James and Sirius.

(Perhaps because she sounded HAPPY within a range of four-feet from them?)

-James-

The two newcomers both hugged her and James' scowl grew more pronounced.

"Who are they?" James demanded again.

"Ever heard of friends? Or Muggles?" Sirius repeated.

"But they're hogging Lily," James whined, "And one of them's a boy!"

"No offense Prongs," Sirius said, "But so are you."

"B-b-but.. she can't hug other boys!"

"What do you mean 'other'?" Sirius started, "She's never hugged you."

"She will, Sirius," James said decisively, "She will…eventually."

"Yes, with druggery and blackmail." Sirius agreed.

"I hate you. Do you know that?"

"The question is… do I care?"

"Probably not."

"Well there's your answer."

"Hurrumph. I wanna know more about LILY!" James whined.

"So go sneak into her room and sniff the bedsheets, or whatever it is stalkers like you do."

"I resent that. On behalf of the Stalker Federation I would like to point out that we sniff the PILLOW. Not the bedsheets. Honestly, where do you get this junk Sirius?"

"Oh, of course it's the pillow! Silly me! Besides, you COULD just ask one of her friends or something…"

"That's BRILLIANT Sirius!" James exclaimed. And with that, he turned around and walked towards everyone else.

-Hunter-

That tall kid with the dark hair was walking over, and Lily was frowning.

"Who is that, Lils?" he asked curiously.

"A nightmare in human form."

"Your boyfriend then?"

"Um, NO!" Lily hissed, and stalked off, making sure to shove Potter on the way back to the house.

The dark haired kid reached Hunter by then.

"Hi, I'm James."

"Hunter," He replied in way of greeting.

"So, I'm running a random survey, would you like to participate?"

"No, not really."

"I'll give you 50 ga-pounds."

"Ga-pounds?"

"You know what I mean," scowled James.

"Fine. Ask."

"What is Lily's… middle name?"

"Iris." He lied smoothly.

"Lily Iris Evans… interesting. Anyhow, what is her… favorite color?"

"Olive."

"Ok… um, uh… What is Lily's favorite Quidditch team?"

Now Hunter was confused. "Her favorite… what?"

"Football."

"Ooooooookaayyyyyy. I have no idea."

"You suck. Does Lily eat… mashed potatoes?"

"Yes… but only with ketchup, relish, and chocolate sauce."

Sirius, who had just walked over in time for the toppings of choice, piped up, "Well you lost me until the chocolate sauce."

"Well," said James hastily, "I think that's enough for now. Thank you for your time, and here is your money."

He handed Hunter the money and practically ran away.

"Well," said Hunter impassively, "I believe we need to be doing something about that."

A/N 2: eRiiCa: Mufwafwafwafwa… fwa. So, I wonder who noticed our joke-tastical trick. We made it QUITE obvious. But for you spoil-sports who don't notice anything: Lily's initials, according to Hunter, spell LIE. Except, that's ALL fake information. Mufwafwafwafwafwa.

Super Shayde: Indeed. The majority of Hunter's speech in this story will be lying…Oh, and don't forget to go pick up your Lily Shrines, people! They're selling fast!

James' Next Song:

I am going to sinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg.
Uh… singgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!
Until Lily comes back from what she's doingggggggg!
Maybe she'll even yell at meeeeeeee---inggggggggg!
I love it when she's mad and yellingggggggggggggg!
And I hope she doesn't catch me smellinggggggggg:
Her pillows and bedsheetsssss—inggggggggggggg!
I Will Shut Up NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
If that's what you want me to doooooooooooooooo!
But all you have to doooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Is: REVIEW, REVIEW, REEEE-VIEWWWWWWW!

eRiiCa: Well that was atrocious. How do I write crap like that?

Super Shayde: No offense, but on a scale of one to ten that got a NEGATIVE SIXTY-FOUR.

Thanks To: ultra-violet-catastrophy, sheltielover, Turtle4318, Silverhawk 27, Nocturne Namiax, elvengirl9, Remember Cedric Diggory, Hawiian Girl, princessavg, Rainbow26, CaleighBlack-SnowMarauder, rebellious socks, Val-Creative, AshleyPorter, emerald flamee, Celina Kay, brennQT, justanormalgirl357, Naoko Tasaki, watergal01, MOLLY

Super Shayde: In response to some of your questions and comments:

No, Daniel does not like Lily.

Remus and Peter will arrive later in the story, don't fret.

Lily will not go mad, hopefully. But she'll come close.

Dan has only appeared for about two seconds, so don't worry he's not a replica of James.

eRiiCa: And I will have Sirius sing. MuFwaFwaFwaFwaFwa….. Fwa.