A/N: YES! I'm actually getting this story done! I've been slacking off lately, I know, but I'M BACK! I'm also sorry to say, but my story is drawing to a close and that this is the second to last chappie in this story. No, I will not be writing a sequel to this one, sorry. NOW, just to warn y'all, this story has an EXTREMELY UNFORESEEN ENDING! So, sit back, relax and enjoy! Here ya go!Ch.15: His Reason
"Forgetting you is so easy, but erasing the memories is my difficulty. . ."
I didn't want to wake up. But I did.
I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror. But I did.
I didn't want to go to school. But I did.
And here I am.
Probably the hardest thing a girl has to go through while growing up is learning how to say 'no' to a boy. It could be a friend or a guy you really like, but know it would never work with. It's a very tense moment when a guy asks you to do something. Your mind is screaming at you to say 'yes' and go with the flow, but that little, nagging, motherly voice in the far regions of your mind whispers 'no', and you always seem to listen to it—no matter what. Seeing the hurt look on their faces is no laughing matter, either. The look in their eyes will haunt you to the day you lie six feet in dirt. Sure, you may try to erase your mind, start over new every day and act as if nothing happened at all, but everytime you see that boy, your heart will pang a little for him. Why do we do the crazy things we do? Good question. I don't even know. And I don't think we'll ever find out.
I jumped about three feet in the air out of my desk and almost smacked my forehead as my hands shot into the air as well. My heart fluttered as I glanced around the classroom and saw the sniggering faces of my classmates and the exasperated glare of my geometry teacher. Mr. Monis narrowed his eyes at me as he tapped his fingers on my desk impatiently, not moving his eyes from mine. My face started to heat up.
"Day dreaming again? This is the third time this month!" he pointed out with annoyance, still giving me that hard glare. I grinned sheepishly and slid down in my chair, my cheeks positively glowing from humiliation. I muttered a subtle apology, desperately trying to get him away from me so I could breathe. His eyes lingered for a little bit longer until he turned and continued walking down the aisle of desks I was sitting in, lecturing us about something that had to do with ratios. I tried to listen up so I wouldn't be completely clueless on my homework that night, but I found myself tuning out and thinking about what had happened on the previous night.
It took the four rings of the class dismissal bell to bring me out of my trance and I jumped from my seat, swinging my bag over my shoulder in the process. I joined the throng of students sauntering from the classroom into the hall until somebody grabbed my arm and whipped me around. A very worried face of Rikku greeted me.
"Do you know where Riku is today?" she asked me so softly, I could barely hear her. I leaned in closer to her to pick up on the rest. I paused. Where was Riku today? I haven't seen him yet.
"Oh, he probably came in late today and we haven't seen him or he just ditched, like always." I told her casually, turning back around to exit the classroom. Rikku seized my arm once more and I spun around again, slightly exasperated. Her bright green eyes started to shimmer in the lights above as tears began to flood her eyes. My mood changed when I saw the sadness in her face.
"B-but . . .I had this weird feeling last night that something wasn't right . . .like something bad is gonna happen . . ." she stopped when she saw the skeptical look in my eyes. A determined expression crossed her face and she pouted her lips. "I know it sounds stupid, but this has happened before!" she said louder, as if I was slowly tuning out. The truth of the fact was, I was really curious over what she was saying.
"Oh yea? When?" I challenged her and crossed my arms over my chest in a daring sort of way and raised one eyebrow. Rikku smiled like she was hoping I was going to say that.
"Like when we had that pop quiz in math and we all failed, and the time when that bolt of lightning hit your house and knocked over a tree, and the time . . ." she paused and grinned even more in an evil way. " . . .the time when you and Riku went to the bar and—"
"OKAY, okay, okay! I believe you!" I cut her off abruptly, throwing my hands up in the air in defeat. Rikku seemed mighty satisfied with my answer and crossed her arms over her chest as well. I sighed and smiled.
"So you think something bad happened to Riku?" I asked her quietly, lowering my voice from being heard by our nosy geometry teacher. I glanced at him sideways, but he was busy shuffling papers on his desk and filing them. Rikku shook her head, sending her braids to fly everywhere.
"I think something bad is gonna happen to him." She responded in an eerie sort of way, her eyes glinting. I smirked at her and turned and walked out of the classroom, leaving her behind. I heard her yelling things at me as I ignored her, but I blew it all away and headed towards my next class.
What's she thinking? Premonitions aren't true . . .especially for something so stupid as something "bad" happening to Riku. He seemed perfectly fine last time I saw him, which was at the fair last night. What could go wrong so suddenly?
I stopped walking as a bizarre thought crossed my mind. What about when he left during Spring Break? He never told me the reason why. It could be something bad . . .
I woke with a start as if somebody had been shaking me to wake me from my slumber. I had fallen asleep on the couch again. The T.V in front of me was still on with a guy doing stand up at low volume. The audience laughed along heartily, but I aimed the remote at the T.V and turned it off. An eerie silence greeted me and so did darkness as I slowly stood up, carrying my large popcorn bowl and empty soda can and turned to enter the kitchen. I almost had a heart attack when I came face-to-face with none other than Riku himself.
"RIKU! Wh-what are you doing here?" I stuttered out quickly, pressing one hand on my chest, trying to calm my pounding heart. Riku was looking the other way, a solemn expression on his beautiful face that seemed to glow in the darkness of my living room. I involuntarily blushed as I thought about what I was wearing which was an oversized white tee shirt and red polka-dot boxer shorts. My red hair was pulled back into a ponytail and probably looked like crap. He didn't seem to notice, nonetheless, look at me.
"I had to see you before I left . . ." he whispered softly, still not looking me in the eyes. I could see the hurt shining in his aqua eyes and a sudden sadness filled my heart. What did he mean by 'before he left'? Where is he going?
"Where are you going?" I asked him quietly, my voice breaking in fear. Could Rikku have been right? Riku didn't answer me, but turned and walked towards the front door without another word. He opened the door and a cold breeze along with rain trickled into my house. It was pouring outside and in the darkness, I could see headlights of a car waiting on my driveway. He started to walk out of my house when he paused and turned around to face me, his face still filled with sorrow. I gasped out suddenly; realizing it was the same way he had looked that night in my dream during Spring Break when he disappeared into the rain. Why is he leaving?
"I have to go now . . ." he stated, the same words he had said in my dream. I couldn't bear it any longer; I let the tears fall from my eyes as I remained frozen on the spot like I had in my dream. I dropped the popcorn bowl and soda can and the bowl shattered into large pieces as popcorn spilled all around my feet. The soda can rolled over to him and stopped at his feet, but he didn't bother to pick it up. The continuous pouring of the rain outside seemed to set the mood to the way things were going. The tears spilled constantly out of my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. Even though I had no idea where he was going, I couldn't bear to let him leave.
"Why are you leaving? Where are you going?" I asked him, the questions spilling out of me being I could hold them back. Riku cast his eyes away from me and focused them on the door panel beside him.
"My parents are getting divorced and I'm moving away with my father off the island." He answered curtly, his voice monotone. Surprise gripped my throat as he said these words. How long have his parents been fighting? He never told me that they were, but that could've been the reason for him leaving the summer home early. He's moving off the island . . .how far away? Will I ever see him again?
I reached my hand out automatically as he turned his back on me and started to head out the door, and grabbed his shirt. He stopped walking and I rested my head on his back, letting the tears run down my face. I sobbed quietly into his shirt, holding onto the fabric tightly. He wouldn't turn around and embrace me like I was praying he would, he just stood there, as if waiting for my tears to be done. I didn't want him to leave. We never really had anything special, but it seemed like we would someday. Ever since I first saw him, I knew that I had liked him. Though I tried to deny every feeling in my body towards him, I knew it was true that I loved him. He used to be so pushy around me; constantly attempting to win my affection, but I played hard-to-get for the sport of watching him try again. And now he's leaving. I'll probably never see him again and I don't want that. I had been secretly planning out the many ways I could ask him out, but I could never do that now. Never again.
The horn of the car in my driveway honked impatiently, trying to hurry our goodbye. I felt him stir a tiny bit as if telling me to let go, but I didn't. I held on tighter, blowing off his father in the car and giving us a few more precious minutes to be in each other's company. Eventually, he turned around and I released my grip reluctantly to stare into his eyes.
"This is goodbye, Kairi." He announced softly, his eyes boring into mine. Panic bubbled up from deep inside of me and I took a step towards him. But he turned from me and walked down my front steps.
"So that's it?" I asked him, my voice harsh and louder than I meant it to sound. Riku didn't turn around to look at me, but stopped dead in his tracks. The tears that were spilling out of my eyes meshed in with the rain as I stepped over the threshold of my door and onto the first step. I could feel my shirt starting to soak and stick to my body and my hair fall out of its tie, but I didn't fix it. I was too focused on the only man in my life walking away from me.
"You're just gonna walk away from me like that? Like nothing ever happened?" I started in a low voice, sudden anger creeping inside of my body. My hands started to involuntarily shake as I glared hard at the back of his head, daring him to take another step away from me.
"Kairi . . .don't make this harder than what it should be . . ." he warned slowly under his breath, still not facing me. I could almost feel the frustration washing over me like the cold, relentless rain. I knew he didn't want to leave, despite his anger, and that he just wanted to act as if leaving me forever wouldn't effect him at all. I knew he was lying . . .I can see right through the glare . . .And still, my anger came through.
"How should it be, then?" I blurted out quickly, taking another step closer to him. He still didn't turn to face me. I wanted more than anything for him to look me in the eyes one last time . . .I want to remember the way your eyes captivate mine . . ."If there's another way to say goodbye to a person you truly care about, tell me now because I don't know!" the tears continued to run down my face as I spoke these words with a shaky and unsteady voice. I hated the tremor in my voice and I cursed it silently.
Turn around and say 'I love you'! I could feel myself ordering him voicelessly. He didn't turn. He didn't say those words that were my comfort and need at the moment . . .instead, he took a few more steps out into the pouring rain towards the car with its' engine still humming on my driveway and opened the passenger door. I waited for his eyes to linger up to mine before he ducked inside, but they didn't. He just shut himself away from me and all the things we could have had in our lives without another word. And then, as if the nightmare couldn't have been more perfect, the car started to pull away from my driveway slowly. The glare from the headlights washed over me for a second and blinded my eyes as I continued to stare fixedly on the car leaving me, but I dared not to look away. If I look away now, it'll all be over.
"Riku . . ." I whispered softly, though I knew he couldn't hear me. For the briefest, wildest moment, I thought I saw his face through the rain-streaked window staring at me, but no, just a trick of the blinding lights. Rain rolled down my face along with my tears as I watched the only thing I ever loved pull out of my driveway and leave forever.
"YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I suddenly screamed at the top of my lungs to make sure he heard me this time. The car seemed to pause in the process of moving away, but it must have been my imagination because the next moment, it was turning towards the road to speed away. Desperation and panic gripped my throat as I shouted once more into the night, praying constantly that he would hear my cries and stop the car and everything would be like the way it was before. "IF THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE, FINE! GO AHEAD AND LEAVE! YOU'RE ONLY WALKING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU COWARD!" The anger rising and falling in my chest seemed to expand as I watched the car drive down the road, showing me its' red tail lights in the misty rain.
I punched my fist into doorway, though my body was shaking with sobs. It was as if a large balloon inside of my chest had deflated violently, leaving nothing but the memory of the happiness it once brought me. I felt alone under the darkened skies. Alone and cold and defeated. I have been defeated. It's all over now. Never again will I experience the joy a smile brought me. Never again will I experience the tingle a kiss brought me. Never again.
Then, a thought came to mind. I can still catch him.
No. I thought firmly as my eyes wandered over to my mother's abandoned car still parked in the driveway, looking inviting and reasonable. Driving would be easy . . .I've done it before on my uncle's farm . . .it can't be that bad . . .
No! That voice repeated again as I stepped back inside of my house to reach for the keys on the dresser. I paused with my hand in mid air and stared at the keys. They seemed to shine in the porch light outside, tempting me to do the thing on my mind. What if this goes wrong? The voice in the back of my head whispered frantically, trying every way to not let me go through with my wish. If is does go wrong, then tough shit. I smiled as I thought those last words. The smile on my lips felt foreign, like I've never smiled in that way before. My idea is crazy and ludicrous, but it might just work. Every second that passed me by meant the more distance that Riku's car was crossing. If I wanted to act, I had to act now.
My hand grabbed my cell phone lying next to the keys and then it snatched up the keys that jingled in my grasp as if congratulating me on a job well done. My feet and legs worked automatically as they slipped on some shoes near the door and continued past it back out in the rain. I found myself thanking anything that my mother wasn't home and was off visiting her friends and got a ride there, leaving her car behind. Little did she know that her only daughter was about to do something incredibly stupid.
I paused by the driver's seat and stared down at the door handle, begging to be tugged on. I watched the rain roll down across it and drip onto the pavement for another moment or so, and then lifted my face towards the window facing me. The reflection staring back at me did not look like Kairi. She looked deranged, sodden and raving. The stringy red hair falling out of the ponytail coming loose on the nape of her neck was clinging onto her neck protectively and framed her pale and grinning face.
I reached up and touched my cheek and watched in amazement how the girl in the window did the same thing. The skin under my fingertips was cold. Unbelievably cold. Colder than anything I have ever felt before in my life. It almost felt like the skin of a rotting corpse that had been in the arctic for about a week. My hand jerked away from my cheek and so did the girl's. Then, I grabbed the handle with a gorilla-like grip and yanked hard as the door flew open and hit my leg. I scurried inside as quickly as I could despite my throbbing leg and slammed the door shut.
Staring down at the ignition sent shivers up and down my spine. I never tried driving on my own, though I was due for receiving my permit in a few weeks, but it seemed easy enough. I had seen Selphie drive numerous times and it seems like all you have to do is shove the key in and turn it, press a pedal and turn a huge wheel. No big deal, right?
But my hands were shaking so much that just trying to get the keys in the little hole was hard enough. After I had missed about forty times, I finally got it in and turned it violently to the right. The engine hummed loudly and roared to life. The sound made me jump out of my skin and almost hit the roof of the car, but I calmed my already racing heart to it's original pounding pace and recklessly pulled out of the driveway, nearly missing the mailbox in the process. I paused the car for a moment and fumbled around for a button to turn on the headlights and found it after turning on the windshield wipers (which I left on), the fluid from the windshield wipers, the heat and the radio.
I sped off in the direction I remember his car heading, swerving dangerously on the road, my hands shaking so much it was hard to keep in control. My palms sweat on the black leather as I gripped the steering wheel and my ankle was protesting loudly to the force I was applying to my foot on the gas. It was a good thing there weren't any cars on the road, but it also wasn't that great. Where was he now? He could be miles away by now . . .I could've already missed him. I could be too late.
These thoughts only brought tears to my eyes and more pressure on the gas as I flew down the slippery road until, thankfully, taillights came into view. I couldn't judge the distance between my car and theirs, but I slowed down enough to not hit them at their legal pace. I recognized the shadows from the dashboard and groped beside me for my cell phone, the car swerving dangerously to the right all the while. I finally grabbed it and frantically punched the speed dial on what I hoped was his cell. There was silence at first and then a quiet ringing. I saw the shadow on the right in the car in front of me bend forward and out of site for a moment and then appear back in view.
As the ringing continued, I saw the silhouette turn around and look back at me, Riku's face pale and frightened. He must have seen my dark glare and turned back around, picking up the phone.
"Turn back around NOW!" His voice warned quietly and I could tell it was through clenched teeth.
"NO! I'm not letting you leave!" I shouted back through the phone, the car speeding up by accidental anger, but I pressed the brakes in time. There was a long pause and then a loud sigh on the other end.
"You're making this difficult . . .Just go back home . . ."
"NO I WON'T! PULL OVER!" I screamed into the phone, actually taking it away from my ear to prevent myself from hearing an angry response. The car ahead of me didn't move off to the side, but seemed to pick up the speed a bit. I slammed on the accelerator and got too close to his car and had to swing off into the other lane to prevent myself from bumping into it. I put the phone back to my ear and heard him curse loudly.
"GO HOME! JUST GO HOME!"
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE! I WON'T LET YOU!"
"GO HOME! LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"PULL THE FUCK OVER!"
"I'M NOT STOPPING THIS CAR! GO HOME AND FORGET ABOUT ME!"
"I'M NOT GOING HOME! I HAVE TO—"
"FORGET ABOUT ME!"
The line went dead.