By Jia Z.
"I never told you I loved you…Even though you were precious to me…"
And Alexiel gently held her brother, picking up the shattered pieces of Rosiel's eternity—Katan's blood stained the ground in all shades of red hues, and the soul of a cursed Angel wept for the only one he ever truly loved.
The sword plunged into the silver Angel, three graceful wings out spread—a mark of God and the very essence of what he was; it was, in the end, a mark of sin. The blood dripped upon the pure white feathers as they scattered upon the cruel whispers of the wind. And Alexiel fell with her brother, laying his lithe body upon the stone ground, drawing the bloodstained sword from Rosiel's pain—at last, he was at peace.
At last, his suffering had ended.
We are entangled in such a violent web of love and hate.
And in the end, you were the only one who loved me for me.
With half lidded eyes, Rosiel stared up his sister—the saint, the messiah, the savoir. It was The End.
"Can I go…to where Katan is…?" he spoke, his voice timid, like that of a child. He didn't dare to speak so loud, afraid to break that wonderful dream.
The Angel smiled.
"I will told him tightly…to the point of suffocation."
And the feathers danced, parting their ways into the wind. They floated, as if lost on an unfamiliar road, hoping to find their way home.Together with the one I love…So that he will…
And Rosiel met the light.
And it was absolutely beautiful.
In the end, He was a father who did not love His children and the world He had invented. And in the end, all our existence was a sin—a sin of a crime He committed. That was what Angels were. And there existed in that plane, Heaven, and Hell, and Hades—a place for the Holy, the Damned, and the Dead.
But so many had died in the Wake. So many passed the barrier of Death and the Afterlife into a world that was completely untouched and unknown.
What was it? That place…that place that was neither Heaven, nor Hell. Neither Death, nor Life.
What was that place they saw in The End?
What was the light Rosiel was met with, at the end of the tunnel?
He opened his eyes, his Existence void of any senses. No taste, or smell, or hear, or touch. He saw no evil and heard no evil. All he could feel, if that was what you call it, was his Existence. What he felt, it was his very life, and all those before him. He was drowning in something like honey milk—thick and warm and sweet, wrapping around you like a mother's fair touch. There was no suffocation, only bliss.
And he wondered what this place was, this place he had come to. He was curious, yes, but he was thankful to be here, wherever this sweet Existence was.
But…wasn't he forgetting something? He felt as if he was forgetting something.
Why was he sent here, to this beautiful place…?
Ah, yes…he was beginning to remember…
He was looking for something, something that was precious and dear to him. And his soul wept for being away from his Other Half.
But what was it that he was looking for?
He really couldn't remember. He wanted to, remember that is, that something he was looking for. Wasn't that the reason he was here? Wasn't that why we were all here, searching for that precious something that our soul longed for?
Somebody have given him a gift, and brought him to this wonderful place of honey, and milk. It was like a mother's womb, a place that was perfect—unstained, untouched, with no evil or goodness, and Existence simply. It was nice, he thought, nicer than anything he remembered, not that he remembered anything at all. But, he knew he should be searching for that something.
If only he knew what it was…
Ah, but this Existence was nice—like drowning in warm milk, tainted with honey and this sweetness that was like home.
It was nice, truly, but it wasn't Complete. Something was missing; he knew that. It was the something he was looking for. Without it, it wouldn't be Complete. He wouldn't be complete.
So, he drifted within this Existence, looking for that something. But he couldn't touch, or see, or hear, or anything. He simply felt.
"Are you looking for something?"
A voice asked this quietly. He couldn't tell what it was, or where it came from, whether it was from someone else, or simply himself. He wasn't even sure if it was a voice at all. He couldn't understand what it was. He wanted to speak with it. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. He wanted to speak to that something, but he was still Existing, and he could yet move inside this sweet ocean of milk.
He wanted to answer yes.
He was looking for something…
"Ah…I see now. Do you know what you're looking for, then?"
Once again, that bizarre presence asked. He didn't understand how It knew what he felt, or what he was thinking, or feeling. But he needed to answer It. He needed to know.
No. He didn't know what he was looking for. But it was important; it was something precious to him.
"I see, I see."
He felt that It was something old, something very ancient and wise—It held no Recognition for all the things he had known before…before he had come inside this womb of honey and milk. It was something odd, yet beautiful. It held no malice, no hatred, or anything else for that matter. He felt like It was the Existence itself. But that wasn't really important right now. He needed to find that something.
He needed to find it.
He wanted help—he couldn't move, or speak, or see, or hear. It was quite a wretched situation, save for the pleasantries.
But none of that was important.
"I'll help you," it 'spoke'. "I'll help you look for what you seek. But yet…how could you search, when you yourself don't even know what you are looking for."
It was right. He didn't know what he was looking for. He knew it once before, when his memory was intact and he Existed in a place completely unlike this honey womb. But he didn't want to remember that place, wherever it was. It brought him pain, and heartache, and cruelty…Such bitter cruelty. He didn't want to remember any of it.
"Ah, but you must. You must remember—if you wish to find what you are looking for."
It was right again.
He didn't want to remember the pain, and very curse he lived with. He wanted to forget that life, to forget his sister, and a Father that did not love him. He wanted to forget how he was a cursed monster, hideous on the inside and out. He wanted to forget the destruction, and the death, and the blood that soaked his being. He wanted to forget that he was, in the end, a Sin.
He wanted to forget that he was Rosiel.
"But…if you forget it all, then won't you be forgetting what you are looking for? Isn't that what was most important to you?"
Yes…that was true. Nothing was more important than that something…that something he couldn't remember. He wanted to know what it was, wanted to touch it if he could, wanted to see it if he could, wanted to Exist with it.
But he was afraid to remember.
Afraid to remember the blood upon his hands. Afraid to remembers all the hues of red. Afraid to remember that he had destroyed something he had loved so much.
The something that he loved, and loved him in return. That something that completed him, and made him whole.
He was absolutely terrified.
"But you must face it. You must face it—face it head on. Repent, for all that you have done. Repent, for all that you have lost. And Repent, for what you are seeking. Forgive yourself…Forgive your soul…"
Yes…that was what he must do. Because, in the end, past his fears and nightmares, past everything that happened…there was nothing more important than…
There was nothing more important.
"So, what are you looking for, Rosiel?"
Rosiel opened his eyes and was met with the ocean. His bare feet were cold against the wet rock, and the waves splashed onto the beach, drenching the shores with a tale that only the ocean could know. Streams of white floated amidst a blue sky, and the Sun hung in the morning glory, a jewel golden and bright and sparkled with some form of incomprehensible beauty.
Rosiel felt the cool wind blow past him, his silver hair dancing, whispering to the wind, telling grandiose secrets of a world so very far away.
Rosiel felt like he was dreaming.
The waves crashed down upon the rocks, startling the silver haired creature. He gazed down from the rocky cliff on which he stood to the quiet beach that the waves beated upon. He could smell all the scents of the ocean, and the hope that the water carried with it.
He watched the beach, and saw someone gazing at the waters.
Something awakened within Rosiel.
He raced across the rocky cliffs, making his way down to the shores. His feet were cold against the sand, and sank as he ran, as if time was delaying him.
But, that didn't matter anymore.
He had reached his destination, and his search and struggle was complete.
His voice sang, calling with hope, and joy, and love.
The other turned, his eyes sparkling as a smile lit his face. Rosiel ran to him as the waters reached upon the shore. He engulf Katan, his gentle arms holding him tightly, almost afraid to let go. He let his face rest upon Katan's chest.
And Rosiel smiled.
"I found you…I found you…"
And Katan wrapped his arms around him. The invisible Moon that hid behind the light began to come forth. The Sun retreated past the horizon, to its home where it would sleep until the wakening at the call of another rotation. And the Moon had finally shown itself, much like Rosiel himself, after the waiting and the fear for the Light.
Ah, but the Moon shined brighter than all the stars in the night sky. It was round, and full, and complete.
And it was beautiful.
© December, 2004 by Jia Z. All rights reserved.