This story is far from original. It is my version of the story "Rod and Todd Are Possessed" by "Michael the Seer". It takes place in a plot line similar to Michael's story, but with minor thematic tweaks. Ned has not been…well, molested, and Millhouse was abducted by the boys, against his will, and murdered, and the Kwik-E-Mart robbery did not result in any deaths except those of Apu's wife and favorite child, Gheet. For those of you who have not yet noticed, I have also nabbed a few elements from The Exorcist series(both the original novel by William Peter Blatty as well as the movie Exorcist and it's sequel William Peter Blatty's Exorcist III: Legion, which was written and directed by Blatty and is loosely based on his novel Legion)of which I am a huge fan. Our story resumes now in Moe's Tavern, three days after Millhouse was murdered, where the men of the town have convened to discuss the spat of child murders.
I have decided to place this story five years in the future from the present "Simpsons" storyline. It makes more sense if Rod and Todd were fifteen and thirteen, rather than ten and eight.
Legal crap: I do not own "The Simpsons", and I am not profiting in any way, shape, or form by the writing and publication of this piece. The right to Simpsons belongs to Matt Groening, 20th Century Fox, et al, and the original idea of Rod and Todd going evil after seeing the infamous "Superbowl Nipple Incident" was that of "Michael the Seer". The Exorcist and Legion are the works of William Peter Blatty, and the movies on which they are based belong to William Friedkin and/or Blatty, and Time Warner. All other ideas, and original characters, copyright Fionn Whelan 2004.
Chapter One: The Meeting of the Men at Moe's
The smoke hung thickly in the air. Hushed, urgent voices blurted out random thoughts.
In Moe's Tavern, in the heart of Springfield, the men of the town discussed the recent events that had shaken theirs lives. Two girls, dead; a cat found hanging in a tree; Millhouse, found with strange letter carved in his gray flesh, dead in the reservoir; and now, a botched shoplifting that had robbed of Apu his wife and his son.
"People, people, please," called Principle Skinner's nasally voice. He was a clarion voice of reason authority in times such as this. An ex-Green Beret, a lieutenant, a school principle for over twenty years, and harsh disciplinarian, that is what he was in these times. Not the insecure, 40-year-old virgin who lived with his mother and whose insecurity and dependence on his mother cost him the love of his life. The men of the town sat at a long, wooden table in the center of the bar. Moe stood behind the bar, cleaning mugs and listening in.
"That's better. Now, let's see who here…" He began to silently take role of who was there. Willie, his janitor and closest thing to a real friend. Seamus, the on-and-off assistant janitor and Willie's arch-rival. Otto, the school bus driver. Homer Simpson, town oaf and hothead. Moe Syzlak, the sleazy bartender. Dr. Julius Hibert, town physician. Reverend Lovejoy, the local minister, and his rival, Father O'Flaherty, the Jesuit. Herman, the weapons dealer. Lenny…Carl…Barney…Captain McCallister. Krusty…Mel…Bumblebee Man…Duff Man…Comic Book Guy…Apu, his eyes red, his mahogany face wet with the tears that were now flowing into his tankard. Kirk VanHousen, his face cheerless, his son dead, his wife having left town…his life was an empty void, and it was fast filling with rage. Sherry and Terrie's father, his face numb, his eyes having long run out of tears, now staring into space. And himself.
"Okay, it seems that everyone we called is here. Except Mr. Flanders, but he said his children weren't feeling well. Very well, I suppose you all are wondering why I called you here tonight."
"Not really," replied Sideshow Mel, "You informed us of your intentions when you called us this afternoon!"
"Well, yes, I guess I did. Then I guess we all know why we're here then. We are here to discuss the threat to our lives, our homes, and particularly, the children of our town. I hardly need to remind you that four children and one woman have been killed, and my condolences go out to their families. And I am particularly thankful that the fathers of the slain have been able to come here, it shows great courage, and strength of character. Now, I will turn the floor over to Herman, who has prepared a PowerPoint presentation.
"Thaaank you Skinner," drawled the one-armed gunman as he walked to the wall and pulled down a screen. He connected his portable computer to a projector, and turned on the projector.
"Okayyy, we have here a town map. The sites of the murders are indicated by the skull and crossbones, with date and approximate time of death and causes. The little outlines indicate the locations where the bodies were found, with the date and time as well. Now, the first two occurred here, on Elm, at about 7:00pm or so, and the bodies were left in the bushes. The victims, two twins, about thirteen years old, had apparently been raped-"
At this point, the twins' father gave a loud cry of anguish and slammed his head on the table. Mr. VanHouten placed his hands on the man's shoulders and tried to comfort him, but to no avail.
"and killed, by blunt head trauma," continued Herman, "and they were found promptly the next morning by Officer Lou. The second murder, Millhouse VanHouten-"
Now Mr. VanHouten began to cry. Small, salty tears.
"Millhouse was found in the reservoir. He had apparently been killed somewhere else, with a power tool of some sort. The latest murders occurred at the Kwik-E-Mart. Manjula Nahasapimepetalon and her infant son Gheet were killed with a silenced 37-magnum in a botched shoplifting attempt."
"Now, our resident Criminologist, Sideshow Mel, will continue for me. Mel?"
"eThank-you, good sir. Now, these murders are seemingly unconnected. Yet, I have noticed a few similarities. First, let us bring the profiles of the two girls. Sherri and Terri were ten year old identical twins."
The faces of the two girls, with their statistics, appeared on the screen. The father of the twins cried inconsolably.
"They attended Springfield elementary, but a half-mile from their neighborhood on Evergreen Terrace. They were killed but a block from their home as they were returning late from athletic prrractice at their school. They were knocked unconscious, as we have discerened from the fist marks on their faces, the dropped school books, and tiny particulates of spittle and blood found on the ground. They were drug into the nearby bushes, violated, and murdered…and left there."
"The boy was last seen at the Kwik-E-Mart, where he was carousing and cavorting with a few classmates. He left for home, but never made it. He was found a few days later, with holes drilled into his ravaged form, and strange sigils carved into him. The police concluded that it was the work of "cultists".
"Finally, the convenience store killings. Two young robbers, one with armed with a pistol, entered the Kwik-E-Mart, one bound and gagged the Apu at gunpoint while the other emptied the cash register. As they left, his family, who had come to visit their father at his workplace, saw what was happening. Manjula screamed for help and was shot at, killing her and the child she was holding. They then drove away in her car, which was found crashed into a tree near the woods."
"Now, let us examine the clues. The DNA from the rape kit used on the twins did not match any know offender, nor did the fingerprints match any found in local or state catalogues, or in national sex offender databases. I would like to note that the sperm count of the fluids was said to be strangely low, just remember that.
Homer chuckled, but went quickly silent at the sight of his companions' serious countenances.
"Also note the way their bodies were arranged when found: though they had been killed by head trauma, their necks had been broken post-mortem, and twisted so the heads were facing the wrong way, a method used in those dispatched by demonic assassins. This ties to the young boy, who was found with strange sigils carved into his skin. Now," he said as the picture of Millhouse, and a close-up of the signs appeared on the screen, "I was curious as to how these signs tied in with what the constable had said about it being a "cult killing". I researched the symbols and lo! They are those found in the satanic pentagram. Thus, this killing is the work of devil-worshippers, or at least, those who wish to give the killing the appearance of one done by such persons."
"The Kwik-E-Mart killings tie with the first murder, but in a different way. The security camera, as well as the few eyewitnesses, confirmed that the killers were of the ages sixteen and fourteen, at the oldest. They were fairly short, yet clearly were neither midget nor dwarf, as they were of normal proportions. The haphazard way they piloted the stolen automobile lends even more credence to this fact. Now, how do these murders connect? Well, I was hoping that the weapon found in the car would have some finger prints, but it had a special tape on the handle, and, as we evinced from the video tape, the culprits were be-gloved. However, judging from the blood smear left on the steering wheel of the vehicle, and the video recording, on of the culprit's hands is approximately the size of one of the handprints found on the girls' bodies. Also, the sets of footprints near the woods and the sets of footprints near the first crime scene match. The same two shoe sizes, the same brand, same stride, and same approximate weight. Also, I mentioned the sperm count found in the semen for a reason: the low count, and hormone levels, indicate that the rapists were barely-pubescent young boys. Thus, the first and third murders are clearly connected."
"The first and second murders are also connected by victim type: white, ten-year-old school children who are in the fourth grade at Springfield Elementary. The twins were killed and found, the places boy was last seen, and found, and the Kwik-E-Mart murders occured within a one kilometre radius of the corner of Evergreen Terrace and Elm."
"And now, Doctor of Medicine, Julius Hibert," concluded Mel with a flourish.
"Thank you," said the doctor in his rich, honeyed tones as he stood and took his place at the head of the table, "Now, I have analyzed the killers' behavior, and it is classic psychopathology. Two of their crimes, the double-murder, and then the murder of the boy, were very sexual in nature. They seemingly take pleasure in their violent and obscene actions. They have distinct "cool down" periods in between their attacks, during which time, their bloodlust rises to a frenzied pitch, and is eventually released in a another attack on the community. Also, the cruel torture of the Simpson's cat is indicative of a serial killer's mentality, as almost all of the known serial killers exhibited sadistic cruelty to animals as children, which eventually developed into the torture and murder of their fellow men. I can theorize about the young boys who did this, that perhaps they came from a broken home, or have been sexually molested, or exposed to pornography, but I could easily be wrong. Besides, Evergreen Terrace, the sites of the murders are all fairly close to both the school, the Kwik-E-Mart, and the homes of the children killed. In fact, considering the poor driving skills exhibited by the robbers, and their estimated ages, it is unlikely that they are of driving age. And, considering the relative location of the crimes, including the cat killing, it is likely that they attend Springfield Elementary, and live somewhere in that neighborhood."
Hibert sat down, his usual buoyancy lost in the horrific events of the past week. There was an awkward pause, in which the chilling silence was broken only by the sounds of pouring beer, the puffing of cigarettes, and an occasional whisper. Finally, Skinner took the stand once more.
"Considering the fact that all six crimes took place within twelve block of the school, and that three of the victims were students, and the cat that was killed belonged to another student, and especially when one considers the fact that it is very likely that the culprits attend my school, I see it as my duty to do my best to improve school security."
He took out a long list and began to read aloud.
"First, off, we have to improve security in the halls. Metal detectors shall be placed at the primary entrance, the entrance doors to the cafeteria, and the door to the metal shop. Students may not be in the halls during class, except when they are accompanied by a parent, teacher, law officer, or are being escorted by two or more hall monitors and have a teacher's note."
"Secondly, the hall monitors, who once were exemplary students, will no longer be so, as such children are usually obese, myopic, and/or asthmatic. From now on, as part of their plea bargains, the hooligans, troublemakers, and bullies shall be the hall monitors. Such children are good at inflicting pain, are usually skilled with guns, and, do to a freakish combination of repeated holding-back, hormonal abnormalities, and the hormones in beef and dairy products, are big and burly enough to compete in the WWE. They shall be armed with the usual pen and pad of detention slips, as well as handcuffs, walkie-talkies, a nightstick, mace, hand tazer, and either a smooth bore black-powder flint-lock pistol, or air pistol with tranquilizer darts. For added protection, this time from the hall monitors, we shall place tracking collars on them, collect all of their weapons at the end of each day for storage in a time-activated safe, and equip the tracking collars with electro-shock pads, so, if they draw their gun without provocation, either Willie or myself could stun them from the safety of the surveillance room. And while arming and controlling them will be expensive, they are much cheaper than private security, more reliable than the police, and not as large a liability as hiring the local militia."
"Thirdly, we shall, in addition to installing metal detectors, we shall repair the surveillance system. At all times, either Willie or Seamus shall be monitoring the classes. And at the end of the day, I shall go through each tape, and I should see any suspicious behavior, I shall immediately make a copy of it and rush the copy to the police"
"Of course, all of this shall cost money…
All the parents moaned.
"-but I have a few ways of making up for that. First of, we shall save utilities by not using electric lights, and by heating the classes by having the hot, sweaty kids from the previous gym class stand in the center of the room. To save costs for chemistry class, any family that has a pet that is dieing or you want to get rid of, can give it to us and we'll put it out and dissect it. Detention students shall now be employed to reconstitute chalk from chalk dust. Hot lunches will cost ten bucks a plate, and you had better give the kids a little extra, as a fifteen percent tip is customary. Also, I have made a deal with the bullies that if each child pays them twenty dollars at the beginning of the month, that they shall not hurt or humiliate them. Failure to fulfill this promise results in the bully losing that twenty dollars plus an extra ten for emotional damage. Smokers shall not be punished, but rather, praised for their interest in reducing class size and encouraged to smoke at all times."
"French and Spanish class will be canceled, and the teachers laid off. In their stead, Willie and Seamus will teach Gaelic and Scots Gaelic. They are not receiving any pay for this, but are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts and their strong nationalist sentiments."
"And finally, all PTA meetings shall have a fifteen dollar cover charge and a two drink minimum-"
"Awww!" said all the parents in the group.
"-and will be held weekly, with mandatory attendance."
Reverend Lovejoy was next to address the group.
"Friends," he said in his nasally voice, "Let us keep the families of those dearly departed ever in our prayers, and pray always for the safety of our children, and the salvation of the souls of those taken from us. We must take special care to protect our children. Tell them to be home every night before dark. Never let them get in a car with strangers. Never let them be alone. If they go to a friend's house, take them there, see that they make it to the door, and make sure that you know the child and his or her parents very well before letting them go to a house. If they go somewhere, find out where they are going, when they will be back, who will be there, and make sure that at least on responsible adult will be there to supervise whatever they plan to do. Know their friends, monitor their e-mail and phone calls, confront them if they exhibit any suspicious behavior, and always be ready to talk to them and help them if they are having problems. Thank you and God bless." he noticed Father O'Flaherty rising, "Yes, Father."
"Thank you Reverend. Now, I know most'a ya hear don't attend St. Andrew's. That's fine by me. But whatever church you do attend, attend it dutifully with your children, talk to them often about what you believe. If you are naw sure of what you believe, ask the pastor, read the Holy Bible, read religious books. Pray, with your family, especially, that God deliver us from these trying times, that we find the culprits, that justice is swift in catching them, and that they may see the light of the Holy Spirit before they die. Pray for the souls of the children killed, and for poor Manjula (here, it was noticed, his voice sunk into his throat and he had to cough and swallow) that their suffering may be over at last, and that they may be blessed with the Beatific Vision of the face of God for ever."
"Beware the snares of the Devil! He is ever prowling! Be wary of television and the internet, for it may be a window for him into your house and into your soul! Guard your homes against the occult, for they may enter in the most innocent of forms. Ouija boards, tarot cards, Dungeons-n'-Dragons, video games, can very easily be opportunities for the Devil to take you or your family under his control. Evil is real, it exists in the universe, inseparable from existence and incapable of being completely eradicated. Satan sows its seeds all around the world: arm yourself with knowledge of his ways, garb yerself in the armor of Grace, and shield yer families behind the wall of innocence. For our children are so short children. They reach adolescence before they are even teens, their innocence is shattered by books and movies and those blasted games. Give them a chance! Protect them!"
"Yes!" cried Homer, "and not just spiritually! Lock your doors, close your windows, pull the shades, get a dog, get a fence, and get a gun! Don't bother with those burglar alarms, they cost a lot and when someone breaks into your house, the last thing you want is your phone line to be tied up while they call you to make sure it is a real break in."
"I can get you all a real good deal on some guns!" said Herman
"Thank you," the priest said quietly, and he sat back down.
There was much murmuring.
"Yar, the mangy rogues! Should I e'er catch one, I'll tie a millstone 'round his scrawny neck and sink 'im straight t'Davy Jone's Locker! Yar"
"Whadya doin' 'ere, Seamus?"
"I work at the school too, Willie!"
"Ya 'tatter eatin' brandy-sipper!"
"Ach, shove it yeh sheep-shaggin' cross-dresser!"
"Alright guys! Closin' time! I have a, uh, time-share agreement wit' da rats, an' they say it's their turn."
"Gentlemen," Skinner said in a loud, clear voice, "We shall meet next week at the same time. If there is another…incident, we shall meet here that night. Or, if there is a new find or a new lead, we'll use the "fiery cross" method suggested by Willie."
They all made there way out into the chilly late-Winter night. The snow lay thick on the ground. It crunched loudly amongst their fierce and urgent chatting. Slowly, they drove off, until it was only Lovejoy, Seamus, and the tired old Father standing in the snow.
"Well Father," said Seamus, "I'll see you on Sunday then. God bless ye Father."
"God bless and keep you, Seamus. Yer a good man."
Reverend Lovejoy hailed down a cab.
"Do you need a ride back to the rectory, Padre?"
"No, no, I'm fine. It's only a few blocks away t'St. Andrews, an I could use the walk. Thank you though, and I'll see at the Helter Shelter next Thursday."
"Yes, until then…"
Father O'Flaherty walked home beneath the dim halos of the street lamps.