Macbeth – A Playboy Production


Disclaimer: We own nothing. Shakespeare may be dead, but this play is his… well it was from Raphael Holinshed's Chronicle of the reign of Duncan and Macbeth, before Bill stole it… but because of copyright laws we don't want to risk being arrested and charged with fraud or something just as deadly… Oh and the movie stuff belongs to the movie people… Damn them.

A/N: Well… this fan fic is written by both me and a friend. We watched Roman Polanski's version of Macbeth… I kid you not when I say it is a playboy production… For the most part this stuff is direct from the movie… we just added in our commentary… or at least our own soundtrack… So if you have the movie, get together with a few friends, and mute the volume… You have no idea how funny this is to watch with it… (I just better not feature it in my exam…)

OH, and so the world knows I am Joanne, and my friend is named Lindsay. We're bolded because we're more important than anyone else. It's true, ask my mommy!

1.1 (Pretty Bahamas beach… ominous music and credits are playing.)

Witch 1: Let us contradict common knowledge!

Witch 2: Aye! Let us look ominous by burying the hand of a hanged man before casting magic!

Witch 3/cackle/ the audience will never know that the Hand of Glory is used to ward off magic!

Witch 1: Perfect plan! We can pour on some blood too, just for the special effects!

Witch 2: and a dagger, that would make the children wince! Nothing like threatening brats with sharp objects…

Witch 3: Great… now let's chant something unrecognizable and spit everywhere.

Witch 2: Screw the script!

Witch 1: Now to meet Macbeth…

(witch with no eyes, winks)

1.2 (Red sky lights the morning; A blue sea is in the back ground. There are bodies scattered, and gulls picking at their remains. )

Random Character (that later dies): Macbeth was impressively sexy, today.

King (who later dies): Great, let's rename him with some title or other…

Random Character (that later dies): There are none available…

King (who later dies): Well then kill off some character and give him his title…

(King looks around, and points to the Thane of Cawdor)

King (who later dies): Just make up some story about him being treasonous, and offer him a lot of money if he'll kill himself…

Random Character (that later dies): Nice choice my lord… He's been dying for an acting break!

Lindsay: PUN!

Joanne: I'd like to thank the academy…

1.3 (Macbeth stands and watches prisoners being hanged. Rides off and Banquo follow him)

Macbeth: So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

(Wind starts blowing and there is a bagpipe playing somewhere)

(Three witches are sitting on a carriage thing… the one with no eyes is rubbing oil on the young mole faced one, while the one who looks like an over stuffed turkey is no where to be seen.)

Banquo: Hey Macbeth! These look like women… only they have beards… so maybe they are transsexuals…?

Macbeth: Speak… if you can… What are you, man… or woman? Or…. /grins/ both?

Witch 1: All hail Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of… um… oh, Glamis

(Stuffed Turkey witch appears)

Witch 2: All hail Macbeth! Hail to thee, Thane of, cranberry sauce, or no wait… Thane of Cawdor… (to other witches) that sounds better doesn't it?

Witch 3: All hail, Macbeth that shalt be king hereafter! and all I get is to watch your downfall…. AHEM!

Banquo: HEY! Ladies…. Err…. People…. Macbeth has had three prophecies, or I guess two and one fact… What about me… don't you want to give me a prophecy/winks to blind witch/.

Macbeth: He's right you know… share the love!

(Lamb sound here….. No serious… I paused it, and it sounded like a goat was dying...)

Witch 1: Lesser than Macbeth yet greater

Witch 2: Not so happy yet much happier

Witch 1: Plumper yet much thinner

Witch 3: You will never be king.

Banquo: That's it? I'll never be king!

Witch 1: Well you're son will… but you'll be dead first. Wait, too much. You're sons shall be kings/mumbles/ close one there…

Witch 2: So all Hail King, and Father of Kings who will never be a king. Ever.

Macbeth: Stay! And torment my friend more! I want to know about my sexual future!

(Macbeth runs after fleeing witches)

(Young mole faced witch turns around and flashes Macbeth)

Macbeth: Do you have friends? Wait come back!

(Witches vanish, after the witch with no eyes winks at Macbeth)

Banquo: Are we on something, or did that actually happen?

Macbeth: They were women. /winks/ I saw.

(Ride away, to go find condoms or something to that effect…)

Macbeth: You're gona be busy making some kings!

Banquo: You're going to be king!

Macbeth: And I'll be Thane of… cranber-Cawdor too!

(/laughter/ and they ride away.)

(cut to Macbeth in bed )

Inside Macbeths head: the Thane of Cawdor is still alive… and it's not too hard to believe myself king… not any harder than to be Thane of Cawdor… Now that witch… hum…

(Noises, Macbeth get out of bed and puts on some clothes… exits tent, spits and watches people ride in)

Ross: The king thinks you're cool. He wants to call you Thane of Cawdor. He says thanks, and here is your medal.

Banquo: (under his breath) Those chicks, were telling the truth… I thought they just wanted to get into your pants…

Macbeth: (under his breath) Me too… (to everyone) The Thane of Cawdor is still alive… why do you dress me in used robes?

Angus: Umm… orders sir… Oh, and the Thane is going to die soon. We're making a show of it, you can come watch him die /wide mouth smile :D / (Macbeth looks clueless) Oh, he waged war on his highness, and we caught him.

Macbeth: (in his head) muahaha, the greatest is behind. (to everyone) Thanks for your pains.

Banquo: Some Stuff

Lindsay: You can't write Banquo: Some Stuff….

Joanne: AYE you can, it's a joke! Like Banquo says 'Some Stuff'

Lindsay: Yes, but Banquo: Some Stuff just looks stupid

Joanne: My fanfiction, too bad! Banquo says 'some stuff'

Macbeth: (in his head) I'm thinking about murder… but maybe I should ask my wife.

Banquo: (To Ross and Angus) Look how our partner is rapt.

Macbeth: (oblivious and still thinking – in his head) maybe I could just ask him for the crown… I wouldn't actually have to kill him…

Banquo: (To Ross and Angus) We met some women… and with all these new honors, I don't think he can handle it.

Macbeth: (still inside his head (don't worry he has a really big head – it's not going to explode with all this thinking or anything fun like that…)) I don't have time to think about the minor things like the if's or if not's of killing the king!

Banquo: Macbeth… we're waiting for you to say we can leave…

Macbeth: Oh, right… let's go see the king.

(Ross helps him on his horse)

Joanne: He needs help to get onto his horse?

Lindsay: The other guy is showing respect… like he isn't as good as him…

Joanne: But he still needed help onto his horse. I would feel insulted if someone came to me and tried to help me onto my horse, even more so if I was some big war hero.

Lindsay: It's respect.

(everyone rides off to meet the king.)

1.4 (clouds drums drumming and crows cawing… inside the castle there is a man chained to the center of a room)

(They unchain him from the floor, and walk up to the top of a ledge. They take the chain and attach it to another chain. )

Lindsay: Eww.. the pants…

Joanne: Probably pleather to keep within budget

(Now here is where it gets complicated.)

Thane of Cawdor: Long Live the King.


Joanne: Still with us? Good…

Duncan: I trusted him… and he waged war on me… too bad. I'll just have to trust Macbeth.

1.5 (Pretty day, nice warm colored (pink, light blue, yellow and orange) sky. Castle on the top of a mountain. Red haired woman gets letter and starts to read)

(looks around)

Lady Macbeth: Damn… I can't read… Oh, hey dogs… come here… smell this and then tell me what it says….

Dog 1: woof, woof, Hail King that shalt be…. Woof, woof

Dog 2: bark, bark, this have I thought good to deliver thee, my dearest partner of greatness, bark, bark

Dog 1: woof, woof, that thou mightst not lose the dues of rejoicing by being ignorant of what greatness is promised thee, woof, woof

Dog 2: bark, bark, Lay it, bark, to thy heart and…. Arf, arff, woof!

Dog 1: woof, woof, bark.

Dog 2: Bark, oh, Farewell, bark.

Lady Macbeth/pats dogs/ I'm so glad Macbeth taught you to do that… Ooh, so now I'm… Wife of the Thane of Glamis, property of Thane of Cawdor, and soon to be queen! WOOT!

Inside Lady Macbeth Head: (another big one, just wait and see) I'm worried my husband is a wuss. He's too nice, and he like to touch that old guy Duncan or other…

(starts to walk)

Lady Macbeth: (out loud) Where can I hide this? Oh, I know, inside my dress… wait no. Malcolm will find it… Oh, look a box… the big black one with a key, in the middle of the desk, that says secrets stuff underneath… No one will guess that is it in there…

1.4 (again… this movie jumps around) (big hall lots of noise Macbeth enters)

Hired impressive people: Hail Macbeth, Hail Thane of Cawdor.

Duncan: My plenteous joy wanton –

Lindsay: Whaddya know! My plenteous joy are wantons TOO! Mmm Chinese.

Duncan: in fullness.

/dramatic pause/

Good 'morrow ladies, gentlemen, potential transsexuals, sons, kingsman, thanes, and you whose name I do not know, look at my toys! Pretend to be intimidated as I wave my sword.

Lindsay: PUN!

Joanne: You're sick.

Duncan: (to Macbeth) Hello cousin… the only other thing I can think to say is, hey, and I owe you more than I can pay

/hug each other/

Macbeth: (whispering into Duncan ear) I think we can work something out. (out loud) The service and loyalty I owe, In doing it, pays itself.

Duncan: Ah, Banquo… I've missed you… you're no less deserving than Macbeth come here; let me hold you to my ear.

Banquo/enter Shakespeare joke here/

Joanne: I just bought a Shakespeare Insult a day calendar

Lindsay: That's cool, now Shut up

Joanne: (to readers) she's sooo mean….

Macbeth/harshly whispering to Banquo/ stop flirting with the king!

Banquo/whispering just as harshly back to Macbeth/ You can't keep them all! I can flirt all I want, and he gave me a hug. So there/sticks out tongue/

Duncan: I'm gona let my son be King, even though I had this dream about it being my death sentence.

( Malcolm drops rather uneasily onto his knees while the king strokes his chin because Malcolm is so precious and places a ring onto his finger.)

Scene cut: to an unhappy looking Donalbain

Scene cut : to a devious and plotting Macbeth

(Malcolm turns to show off his new sword and ring. Trying to bother his younger brother, who hasn't jumped him because of the courtesy code.)

Macbeth: I have to go plot– Er. Go… tell my wife that you will be spending the night… Bye!

(Camera Follow Macbeth outside)

Macbeth/says spitting/The Prince of Cumberland. I have to kill him or find a way around him… I'm going into a depression. Don't let the start gouge out my eyes, I'm too dark for them… or something to that effect…

/looks at hanging body in ugly-makes-you-wanna-puke pants./

(Macbeth leaves for home.)

1.5 (again… boy this movie really jumps around!) ( Macbeth entering his castle, with the old porter guy at the gates. Everyone comes to see him. Lady Macbeth is rushing to finish braiding her hair and then runs out to see him.

Lady Macbeth: (Jumping into Macbeths arms) Great Glamis/Macbeth Picks her up/ Worthy Cawdor/Macbeth carries her up the stairs to… well we all know where/ And greater both by the all-hail after.

/Enter Bedroom/ (sword drops into box and Lady Macbeth starts praising and kissing Macbeth)

Macbeth/In between kisses/ My dearest love /… / Duncan comes here tonight.

(Moment is ruined as dumb wife tries to think/plan)

Lady Macbeth: When does he leave?

Macbeth: Tomorrow, when he chooses.

Lady Macbeth/whispers/ Never shall some that morrow see.

(Macbeth finally gets it, and sits back up as Lady Macbeth giggles under her breath and continues to fondle Macbeth's ugly face)

Macbeth: Why don't we talk about this later…

Joanne: We're back! Yay! Now we can finish Act 1!

Lindsay: I'm hungry – I want to eat some cumber /snort/. Hum, what do you have? Popcorn, Marshmallows, CHOCOLATE CHIPS!

Joanne: I think we have Wantons somewhere.

Lindsay: What Wantons!

Joanne: No…

Lindsay: Feed me human babies or something!

Joanne: Let's start the movie

Lindsay: I'm makin' popcorn!

1.5/1.6 (dipshit music plays, at Macbeth's castle. We're at a lack of description because this music is just too much to handle.)

Joanne: It's sort of like an accordion bagpipe duo.

Lindsay: It's sort of like, lame.

(Lady Macbeth is throwing rose petals on the bed…we all know why…? Random guys struggling with chickens, men in funny uniforms are taking cardboard instruments to Macbeth's bedroom. Lady Macbeth is dressing Macbeth and hands him a dagger giving him that if-you-love-me-you'll-kill-Duncan-look.)

(Man with extremely long trumpet -

Joanne: Dirty!

starts to play

Joanne: Double Dirty!

Lindsay: Awesome Alliteration!

Joanne: Lindsay's a Loser.

Lindsay: Play the Play.

(Ominous black bird caws, and then plummets ungracefully to its death – it was Styrofoam after all…)

Lady Macbeth: Unsex me here; because I am no longer a virgin; because I work for Playboy! Make me a man so I can sleep with Duncan, because Duncan prefers men.

Lindsay: This is kind of out of context…

Joanne: Hence the word P-A-R-O-D-Y!

Lindsay: Good call… I'm just afraid a Macbeth fan can throw a punch…

Lady Macbeth: Heaven peep through the blanket if the dark to cry 'Hold Hold!'

Joanne: We figured the whole speech was a little advanced for Lady Macbeth's Playboy brain, and decided to give you the shortened version…

Lindsay: Don't hate us/ducks from hypothetical punch/

Duncan: It smells good here…

(Music gets worse – if possible)

Duncan: Fair and noble hostess we are your guests tonight.

Lady Macbeth: Your servant ever.

Duncan: Really?

/Macbeth Glares/

Lady Macbeth: (to herself) my monologue worked!

Duncan: Give me your hand… so I can kiss your manly face.

Lady Macbeth: (to herself) This is like heaven on earth! Shame I have to kill him…

Duncan: Conduct me to mine host.

Lady Macbeth: (to herself) Damn…

1.7 (More bad music is playing, people partying, Lady Macbeth stuffing her face, fattening herself making up for years of the playboy mansion diet… you get the gist)

Macbeth: (inside Macbeth's head – yeah it's still big) If it were done when 'tis done then 'twere well it were done quickly because 'twere fast when 'tis quickly done because 'tis best when 'tis fastly done…as 'twere. This blow might be the be-all and the end-all.

Joanne and Lindsay: (simultaneously) DIRTY PUN!

Macbeth: But here upon this bank shoal of time, we'd jump the life to come. But in these cases we still have judgment here, that we but teach bloody instructions which, being taught, return to plague th'inventor. 'Tis the end of my soliloquy, as 'twere.

Plump stupid boy: (singing) Oh we are too sly to schlang (slay) me suddenly I made the beauty of the nut sustain. So please as if to hog my hearty be nice today.

/Duncan gaily bouncing along to the song/

Plump stupid boy: (continues to sing the weird song) Unless your words will heal me hastily…

/God condemns boy to death from horrifying sing with a bolt of lightening – BAM/

Joanne: I guess not…

Macbeth: He's here in doubletrust: first, as I am his kinsman (wink wink) and his subject (wink wink), strong both against the deed; then, as his host (wink wink), who should against his murderer shut the door, not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan hath borne his faculties so meek, hath been so clear in his great office, that his virtues will plead like angels (or like playboy girls), trumpet-tongued (no comment) against the deep damnation of his taking-off…

Lindsay: His PANTS!

Macbeth: And pity, like a newborn playboy babe striding the blast (wink wink), or heaven's cherubim,

Joanne: What the hell's a cherubim?

Lindsay: Uh…it's respect, like with the guy and the horse!

Joanne: Shut up, Lindsay.

Macbeth: horsed upon the sightless couriers of the air,

Lindsay: I told you it was like the horse…

Macbeth: shall blow the horrid deed in every eye, that tears shall drown the wind.

Joanne: Yeah, I bet.

Macbeth: I have no spur to prick my finger…or the sides of my intent, but only vaulting ambition which o'erleaps itself and falls on th'other side.

/Lady Macbeth enters/

How now, what news?

Lady Macbeth: He has almost supped. Why have you left the chamber?

Macbeth: Hath he asked for me?

Lady Macbeth: Know you not he has?

Macbeth: We will proceed no further in this business.

Lady Macbeth: Was the hope drunk wherein you dressed yourself? Hath it slept since?

/Music starts up again –shudder– as they head towards the chamber…/

Lady Macbeth: (crying and whining) Live a coward in thine own esteem, letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would'.

Macbeth: Prithee, peace.

Lady Macbeth: Be a man, kill, murder, pillage, rape.

/As intense dialogue progresses, weird men are dancing around knives…swords…more or less sharp metal objects/

Macbeth: If we should fail…

Lady Macbeth: We fail. But screw your courage…as I have many a time before…to this stickling place and we'll not fail. Duncan's two chamberlains will I, with serious amounts of alcohol, so convince that memory the warder of the brain, which I don't possess, shall be a fume. I'll drug them (wink wink). With those freaks out of the way, there's no limit to what you and I can perform (wink wink) upon the unguarded Duncan.

/bongos start and Lady Macbeth dances around Duncan stupidly/

Macbeth: Bring forth men-children only /grins/. Nothing but males; can pleasure me.

I am settled, and bend up each corporal agent to this terrible feat. Away, and mock the time with fairest show. False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

Joanne: Exeunt.

Lindsay: Lunch!

A/N: Okay, well this is taking soo much longer than expected. We have finished Act 1, (hope you liked it) But now we're working on starting Act 2, not to mention finishing it… We're terrified that because we're brain dead that it won't be funny, but instead consist of Lindsay and I telling each other to shut up…

We also decided to end each act with the last line said... just to bring it all back to the play...

We will resume the creation of ACT 2 tomorrow… (Thursday June 15th) but no promises… I will however post what ever we do complete (if any!)

Hope you enjoyed this – Please Review, it'll help provide the motivation for the completion of Act 2.