A/N: I intend on making a pre-quel to this about how Vince and Cordy met and how Juliet came to be, but I felt like I had to do this now. And I wrote up a challenge like this on the CCS board.
Disclaimer: Juliet and the plot is mine. Joss Whedon and Mark Wahlberg/Doug Ellin own the other characters.
A/N2: Parts of this fic was made possible by Angels9thFantasy.
Juliet Chase-Chase sat on her bed. She had a very important decision to make and she couldn't make the wrong one because the consequences could be dire.
"Have you decided what you wanted to wear today sweetie?" Her mother, Cordelia Chase asked her.
There was only one response she could give; she dramatically sighed, hey, both her parents were actors, it was in her blood. "Either this," Juliet held up a pink floral sundress in her right hand, "or this," she added showing off the blue overalls in her left hand. "Which do you think, mommy?" Juliet then added, wanting her mom to make her important decision on.
"The pink one." Cordy answered.
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I am. Would I be wrong about something like this?" Her mom then challenged.
"No," Juliet agreed, "you wouldn't because your Queen C." Cordelia happily nodded. "And I'm Princess J, right?"
"Right. Now, its time to get dressed. Your uncle will be driving you to school."
"Okay, okay. But my beauty can't just be rushed ya know."
Cordy laughed as she left the little girls bedroom. Everyone was right, she is her mothers daughter.
A few minutes later Juliet was dressed. When she reached the living room in the middle of the mansion she lived in with her mommy and daddy, she saw that her Uncle Angel and her best friend, nine-year-old Connor, were sitting on her sofa. "Hi Uncle Angel! Hi Connor!" She greeted them, with the perkyness of her voice reminding Angel very much of Cordelia when she was excited.
"Hi Juliet," both males said at the same time.
"I'm ready for you to take me to school."
"I'm actually not driving today, your mom and I have some work to do." Angel said.
"Oh, then who the hell is?" she questioned.
"Ah, I am." Her fathers best friend Eric, or E as he's usually called, said walking into the living room, as her mother yelled something about how she shouldn't say 'hell' from the other room, but Juliet ignored that, because Eric was in the room. Out of her many uncles, he was her favorite, besides Lorne of course.
"Hi Uncle E!" she squealed, giving him a hug, forgetting about her other uncle in the room. Which caused Angel to be more then a little jealous. He could handle not being the absolute favorite, but not being number 2 either was just wrong.
"Hi J." He replied, she liked when he called her J, but only he could call her J, because he was E. It was Princess J to everyone else. "All ready for school?" She nodded.
"Thanks for driving Connor too." Angel said.
"No problem, I gotta go out now anyway." Eric replied.
"To see daddy?" Juliet questioned, knowing her father left in the middle of the night, with his brother (her Uncle) Drama, because he had to film some scenes for his latest movie.
"Yup, to see your dad."
"When can I see him?"
Eric thought about the shooting schedule for a moment, and then smiled. "He doesn't have a lot to do today, so he might even be home when you get out of school."
"Good," the child stated. She didn't like it when either one of her parents had to spend a long time filming a movie. It was no fun for her, but as her Aunt Anya pointed out once, the more they film, the more they can buy her clothes and toys. So in a way it all evened out.
"You guys better get going." Cordelia said, entering the room. The kids said goodbye to their parents and started to head out the door.
"Yo, hold up, E. I'm gonna roll with you too." Turtle, her fathers other best friend, said coming down the stairs from his part of the house, pausing the exit. "I wanna see my boy Vinny in action."
"Whatever." Eric sighed.
As Turtle walked toward the door, he began to pull out zip-lock bag containing weed from his sweat pants pocket.
"TURTLE!" The three adults yelled at the same time.
"Fine, I'll wait," he mumbled putting the bag back in his pocket. The two kids walked out of the house with Eric and Turtle not far behind them.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Eric whispered to Turtle, not realizing the kids could her him anyway.
"Shit, E what's the big fuckin' deal? I made a mistake. Besides, its not like you neva light up!" he responded.
"Yeah, but I don't fucking do it right in front of little kids, asshole. Where's your common sense? Oh wait, I forgot who I was talking too."
"Fuck off." Was Turtles reply, as they got in the car and drove the kids to their elementary school.
"Goodbye. Thank You." Connor said as he got out of the car.
"Yeah, bye, see you later, Uncle E." Juliet said in a hurry, as she exited the car too.
"Why the fuck didn't she goodbye to me?" Turtle demand, rather offended.
"Maybe even at the age of 6 she can realize you're a dickhead." E replied.
School had only started a few days ago and for past few days in Ms. Leavie's 1st grade class, one kid each day gets up in front of the class and tells everyone about their family and themself, and the can talk as long as they need too. Today's speaker was none other then Juliet.
"Okay, Juliet, its time for you to speak." Ms. Leavie said as all the kids sat in a circle. Juliet got up and started to speak, most kids were nervous when they had to do this, but Juliet was not.
"I'm Juliet Chase-Chase. My mommy's last name is Chase and so is my daddy's and when I was born, they couldn't decide on who's Chase name I could have because daddy wanted it to be his, but mommy said hers, so to be fair they made it Chase-Chase. But I'm called Princess J a lot, and mommy's Queen C. I live in a big, big house with mommy and daddy. The house is so fucking big," the teachers eyes widened as she heard the child curse, but Juliet was to busy to not notice and kept talking, "that my mommy has her very own side and so does my daddy, even though they sleep in the same bed a lot. My Uncle Turtle and my Uncle Drama live in our big, big house too. But I'll tell you about them in a minute. This is about me right now. I like the color green, it's a great color. My best friend is Connor, I play with him a lot, even though he's a boy. And he's in the 4th grade. But daddy doesn't let us play together alone very much cause Connors approaching the age where its all about the pussy. I'm also a super hero. I can talk to the Power That Be, and sometimes other spirts, cause of my mommy getting visions from the PTB. But most people don't know about then cause they're clueless assholes. Ok, now I'll tell you about the rest of my family:
"I have a uncle who goes grr. I like it when he goes grr especially when he does it with Harmony in the room. Daddy tells him he shouldn't fucking do that in front of his goddamn daughter. But uncle Spike says he's just jealous because he's getting more than him."
"My Uncle Angel goes ggrrr too. I like him. He's nice, and Connor's daddy. But Uncle Angel's 'broody' as mommy likes to call it. Daddy says he's broody cause he can't fuck anyone, and he's too much of an asshole to realize that he should just jerk off instead. Uncle Turtle says that jerking off is almost as good as fucking, but not as much fun."
"Mom's a kick ass actress. She met daddy on a movie set and got knocked up with his evil devil spawn. Even though I am not her devil spawn. I am her beautiful princess spawn. I am her only fucking princess. I am like Connor except he's his daddy's prince. And we rule the kingdom. Except mommy rules the kingdom. With Daddy of course. When there gone Connor and I will be king and queen and they will go some time. Because unlike uncle Angel there not immortal. Which means they fuck any time they want."
Ms. Leavie was utterly shocked at this point, so shocked that she couldn't tell Juliet to stop, all she did was sit there with her mouth open, while Juliet continued like there was nothing wrong with anything she said:
"My Uncle Drama, or Uncle Johnny, depending on what I feel like calling him, is also an actor. But he doesn't kick as much ass as mommy or daddy. He's my only real Uncle cause he's daddy's brother. He live's in our house. But he think's its fucked up that Uncle E once again gets to live in the guest house, like in the last house they lived in, but once again Uncle E asked to before he did, so its rightfully his. But at least Uncle Johnny doesn't have to share a bathroom with Uncle Turtle anymore, which is good because Uncle Turtle used to use all his lotions all the time to beat off. But he's a good Uncle to me, and he cooks all the time for us cause mommy and daddy are bad at cooking, even if he can't act as good. But one of his shows did go all the way to a full 22, just so ya know."
"Aunt Fred is really, really smart. And nice. She likes taco's and fucking Uncle Wes. Uncle Turtle says that if he ever hit that though, she wouldn't like to fuck uncle Wes anymore. Then I heard Uncle Spike say that he'd do her WAY before Turtle could even get it out, if Fred ever gave him the chance."
"Another one of my Uncle's is Uncle Turtle. He lives with us too. He's funny sometimes, I like being around him because it makes me feel like I'm got with a grown up. He says and does a lot of things around me and Connor that makes the other grown ups mad and that's funny, cause grown ups make funny faces when they're mad. But I feel bad for Uncle Turtle because I think he's tired a lot, cause every day he talks about being laid. I don't know what he's tired from though, he says he works for daddy, like Uncle E does, but I never see him do any work."
"Then there's Uncle Wes, dad told Uncle E he was a tight ass. Uncle Spike told him that he's only mad because his girl had a crush on him in high school. Daddy told him that mommy would never want to fuck anyone like that and that's true cause she only wants to fuck daddy and Uncle Wes only wants to fuck Fred"
"My Uncle Gunn is a kick ass street fighter. Which means he kicks ass on the streets. I might want to be uncle Gunn later in life. He is one of the smartest guys I know and he didn't go to school, I might not want go to school one day. Because dad said school was a big fucking waste of his time."
"My aunt Anya comes to visit us a lot, I like her because of her stories. She tells me lots of stories. Her favorite is a story about this guy named Xander, who looks like a pirate, who gave her lots of orgasms. She also teaches me the values of capitalism. And she gives me money, so I can buy candy for my self. Daddy likes Aunt Anya a lot, so do his friends because she's not uptight and she knows what the meaning of fun is."
"I have an Uncle Lorne, he's my favorite color; green. And he has horns!! And super nice and my favorite uncle, well he's tied with another Uncle. Enough said. Oh yeah, daddy says he's not a prick like all my other uncles on my mommy's side."
"My other favorite uncle is Uncle E. He's really my Uncle Eric, but he's called E a lot. He works for daddy and helps him decide what movies to make. Uncle E is super nice to me all the time, and he should be of course. Again, he lives in the smaller house behind ours, which Uncle Drama isn't happy about. I like that he sorta lives with us, cause that means I see him everyday. He smoke's cigarets like Uncle Spike, but unlike Uncle Spike he does it outside. I like Uncle E cause he's funny and fucking cool, but not as fucking cool as me and daddy, and also gives me candy, but I once heard his sometimes girlfriend, who is fucking uncool, say I like him cause I'm just as much of a fucked up co-dependent as daddy is. Uncle E got REALLY mad at her for saying that and daddy says she's a bitch so it doesn't matter what she says."
"Uncle Ari works for my dad too, as his agent. He talks really fast, which I like. But he's mean to Uncle E a lot and calls him names, and that makes him a douchebag sometimes. I don't see him as much as my other uncles and I'm okay with that. Once he called Uncle E a stupid fucking pizza boy, since he used to work at Sabbarro's and I kicked him. Only Uncle E was around to see it and he told me I shouldn't do that. But once Uncle Ari left, he laughed and said I did a good thing and bought me ice cream."
"And last but very, very important there's my dad. He's a kick ass actor. Even more famous then my mom cause she's busy being super hero a lot. I'm daddy's only fucking princess too. You all probably heard of him, unless your assholes of course. He's Vincent Chase, the greatest fucking actor ever! He even has a statue, Uncle Ari says he got him the statue, but that's bullshit, cause Uncle E is why he got the statue because he was the one who told daddy to make Queens Blvd, which is the movie he won the statue, named Oscar, for. Anyway he's not just an actor. He's my dad and he's funny and totally fucking cool and lets me eat candy whenever I want. Sometimes when mommy's not home, he and I stay up and eat lots of candy together because he says I'm just as fucking cool as he is and am in no way an evil spawn. Which is good. He's also good at fucking and along with ruling the kingdom with mommy, that Connor and I'll rule one day, he's rules his own kingdom and is master of his domain. And Uncle Angel doesn't even have a domain to be the master of. And that's my family."
All the kids clapped as Juliet sat back down. The teacher reached over and shut off the tape recorder she used to tape the description, like she did with all the other kids, in hopes she could play them for the parents on open school night. However, this tape needed to be played for Juliet's parents right away.
That afternoon Juliet left school, Connor stayed later for hockey try outs so it was only her being picked up. Much to her delight, Eric was standing outside the school waiting for her, with Turtle in the car. "Hiya." She happily greeted him.
"Hey, have a good day?" he asked.
"Excuse me," Ms. Leavie said approaching them, tape recorder in hand. "I'm Juliet's teacher. Now, I know you're not Vincent or Cordelia but they wouldn't happen to be with you, would they?"
"Ah...no. Why?" Eric asked.
"I think there's something they should know about. Will you come with me?" The teacher asked pulling him to the side. As he went with the teacher, he mouthed 'what did you do' to Juliet, who just shrugged and got in the car.
"So, you see why I brought this to your attention." Ms. Leavie said to Eric after she played him the tape.
"She really said multiple times in front of her class that I was her favorite uncle?" Eric asked pleased, neglecting the issue for a moment, until the glare the teacher gave him brought him back to it. "I mean yes, ma'am. I'll tell her parents about her language right way," he recovered.
"Take the tape with you. In my experience sometimes parents will be in denial about their children picking up such bad habits."
"Somehow, I don't think that will be the case, but ok."
"Juli-et's in tro-uble. Juli-ets in tro-uble." Turtle teased in a sing-song voice as he saw a shocked, yet secretly amused Eric walking back to the car, holding the cassette tape. "So, what's the tape?" he then asked.
Eric looked at him. "You don't want to know."
"Come on, E."
He then whispered in Turtles ear.
"Am I really in trouble?" Juliet asked.
"You will be once your mom finds out."
"Shut up, Turtle! Um...don't worry about it right now, J."
When they got home, Eric and Turtle pulled Cordelia in the kitchen to talk with her.
"What's up guys?" She asked Eric and a suspicious looking Turtle.
"Ah, we have something that you're not going to like hearing." Eric said as Turtle hit 'play' on the tape player.
Meanwhile upstairs in his bedroom, Vince was sleeping until the sound of someone entering the room awoke him. This did not please the actor. "Go the fuck away!" Vince groggily yelled not bothering to even see who it was.
"Awe, do I have to? I'm bored." Juliet said in response to her fathers demand, saddened by the fact that she would have to find something else to do, and not at all perturbed by the way Vince spoke.
He rolled over to face the dark haired child standing next to his bed and then sat up. "No, you can stay. I'm just not in the mood to be hassled by your mom or one of your uncles. I've done enough shit today. Come sit." He said pulling her on the bed. "So, what'd you do today?"
"I finger painted and counted to one hundred and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch."
"Cool." Vince replied.
"What did you do? How was movie-making?" she then asked.
"Long. I did some scenes with your Uncle Johnny though. It was kinda fun. Then I came home and tried to take a nap but someone isn't allowing me too." He said playfully.
"Naps are for babies."
"And tired adults. Oh, crap I almost forgot, I have something for yo-"
"VINCENT!" Cordelia yelled from downstairs cutting off what Vince was saying. "GET DOWN HERE! AND BRING YOUR DAUGHTER WITH YOU!"
"Well, this can't be good." Vince said out loud. "Did you do something?" he then asked Juliet, knowing Cordelia always used the 'your daughter' line when she did something wrong.
"What do you want?" Vince asked as he made his way into the kitchen, with Juliet behind him.
"Juliet go in the other room. I need to talk to your father alone." Cordelia ordered. Juliet left.
"What's with the attitude? What's up your ass today?"
"That is, Vince. That is."
"Well it seems like Juliet has picked up some of your many bad habits." Cordy then played the tape for Vince. "Don't laugh. This isn't funny!" she exclaimed when the tape was over and Vince was laughing hysterically.
"Yeah... actually, it is funny." He managed to say in between laughs.
"In what world? Are you stoned?"
Vince straightened up and got serious for a moment. "C'mon Cordy, you I don't do that shit at home anymore, only when I'm out of town." He went back to laughing. "And this still is funny."
"No it's not. She shouldn't be talking like that."
"Oh, she's only a baby. Relax."
"Baby? She's six."
"Exactly! I think you're just pissed cause she thinks I'm fucking cool and not you."
"No, however I am pissed that she learn 'fucking cool' and all her other little vocabulary words from you!"
"What the fuck? From me? There's no way she learned them from me. Maybe some little asshole in her class or something taught it too her."
"Wow, aren't you the poster actor for denial. We have to talk to her about this."
"There's nothing to talk to her about. This isn't a big deal. Just some teacher who probably doesn't have anything fucking better to do but bitch at little kids at their parents."
"Do you actually hear what you're saying Vince? You swear all the time and now that she's getting older she's picking up on it!"
"And what makes you think it's me?" Vince asked.
Just then, their kitchen door flew open and in walked Spike. "There you are. What the bloody hell is wrong with you, you bint? You're too bloody good to answer your damn cell phone.?" Spike said.
"It was in the other room, I didn't hear it. And can you leave, we're in the middle of something." Cordy replied.
"No, No! See, right there!" Vince exclaimed pointing to Spike. "Did you just listen to him? If anyone if fucking corrupting the baby, its him!"
"What the sodding hell are you talking about you git?" Spike questioned.
"First, she's not a baby! And yeah, I hear what Spike said. It's all 'bloody hell's', 'sodding' 'shagging', and 'bint's', not 'fucks', 'assholes' 'bitches' and 'pussy's'." She replied.
"I can tell this is a bad time, I'll just be eavesdropping in the other room." Spike announced as he exited the kitchen.
"We have to talk to her. Juliet, get in here." Cordy stated.
"Am I in trouble?" Juliet innocently asked as she walked in the kitchen.
Juliet was confused by the opposite answers her parents gave.
"Sweetie, mommy and daddy need to talk to you about some of the things you say." Cordelia explained nicely.
"Yeah, your mom thinks you're Cartman jr." Vince joked.
"Vince, don't make jokes about this."
"What did I do?" Juliet questioned.
"Well, there are some words, that you probably hear a lot from your dad and uncles-"
"Leave us out of this!" Both Eric and Turtle yelled from where they were secretly listening from in another room on the house.
"Anyway," Cordy continued, "you shouldn't be repeating some of the words you hear around this house."
"Okay, lets speed things along shall we?" Vince suggested. "During your little presentation in school about your family you talked about orgasms, fucking, jerking and beating off, along with other references to masturbation and sex, and said bullshit, fuck, pussy, bitch, douchebag, asshole and prick. Now, you're mom..........and I....don't want you say those things anymore, no matter how true or appropriate they may be because you're only a baby and shouldn't be saying those things. Got it?"
"Oh, okay daddy. I'll do my very best to make sure I don't. Can I go watch TV now?"
Vince smiled triumphantly. "See, how easy was that? And you say I'm the one who's parenting skills needs work?" Vince whispered in his girlfriends ear. Cordy just glared at him in response. "Back to what I was saying upstairs before your mother interrupted our little bonding time, I have a gift for you."
"You do?" Juliet asked happily, at the same time Cordelia asked but she was using a rather surprised voice.
"Yeah. Here." Vince took out a small neatly wrapped box from his pocket and handed it to Juliet, who ripped the paper off right way. She opened the box and saw a platinum 'J' with a princess crown on top of it on a platinum chain. The J and the crown were decorated in small white and pink diamonds.
"Oooo its SSSOOO pretty! Thank you daddy!" An extremely happy Juliet said.
"No problem, Princess J." He responded ruffling her hair. Juliet pulled away and stared hurtfully at her father.
"How dare you mess up the hair!" She said. Cordelia giggled.
"I'm sorry." He apologized sincerely.
"Now that's a statement you can claim she picked up from Peaches." Spike stated re-entering the kitchen.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you were here. What do you want?" Cordelia asked.
"Harmony kicked me out for calling out Buffy's name....again. I need you to come shopping with me to get her something so she'll still shag me."
"Hey, little ears! Watch it, asshole!" Vince ordered. Eric and Turtle came out of their hiding spot and they along with Spike and Cordelia stared at Vince. "What?" He asked.
Cordelia sighed. "Fine, lets go to the mall."
"I'm gonna go too, I've got nothing to." Turtle stated.
"That's cause you're to lazy to have a job, and too self involved to have a girlfriend." Eric said.
Spike and Turtle walked out to the car and Eric went to the guest house to go through some scripts and fight with Ari over the phone.
"How much did that necklace cost?" Cordelia asked before she joined the boys in the car.
"Don't worry about it."
"Don't worry about it? Vince, now I know I'm not really the perfect one to talk about not spoiling Juliet, however I really don't think a six year old needs to be wearing a 20 thousand dollar necklace."
"It was 30 thousand actually, and she's worth it. I mean look how happy it made her. But hey, if you want to go take it away from her, go ahead." Vince said as they watched Juliet in the living room, looking at her new jewelry in awe.
"I hate you sometimes." Cordy said as she left.
"Hey, you want some?" Vince asked Juliet holding out a bag of assorted candies and sitting down next to her.
"Okay." She responded taking handfuls out of the bag as Vince put the necklace on her. "Daddy, now that I can't say that we're fucking cool anymore, does that mean we're not?"
"Oh, hell no. We're still the fucking coolest, you just can't say it." He told her.
"Okay, that's good to fricking know." Juliet responded. Vince laughed with pride.
And everyone who said she was her father's daughter, were also right.
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this and the prequel should hopefully be started soon. Until then, feel free to review.