Experiment #916: "Dinosaur Delirium"

By Laurie LeBlanc and Kevin Farley

Disclaimer: All the characters of "Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?"
are copyright Dic Productions and Broderbund Software. Carmen
Sandiego is a registered trademark of Broderbund Software. All
the characters of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are copyright
Best Brains, Inc. They're all used without permission.

This is an episode of the series that we also did not like so
we gave this one the MST treatment as well. As with "The Stolen
Smile", please note that the script of "Dinosaur Delirium" is not
complete. There are some lines omitted or paraphrased, though the
general script is in tact. We also realize that this wouldn't be
a full MST3K episode either.

It is numbered 916 to not only put it in the ninth season but
also carry on the story line of previous MSTings of "The Stolen
Smile" and "The Play's the Thing." If you have not read
these MSTings, we suggest you do before reading this fic.

(Warning: This fic is rated PG for language.)

(MST3K Theme Song. All 6 Theater Doors. Fade in to bridge of SOL.
Carmen is toying with some invention. Mike enters and stands to her

Mike: Hey Carmen, what are you toying with?

Carmen: A little device that will get us off the Satellite of Love
before you know it!

Mike: (eyes light up) Really?! You mean...after all these years-

(Enter Tom who stands next to Carmen.)

Tom: Mike! Crow just royally pissed me off! Why I'm-

Mike: Tom, calm down a second here.

Tom: No way! I'm gonna- (leaps towards Mike, but lands on top of Carmen's
device which emits a glowing light around both Carmen and Tom.) The HELL?!

(Mike steps back. Suddenly, both Carmen and Tom vanish through
some type of portal. The whole screen turns purple and fades out. Fade in
on the SOL bridge, but the one of the past with the Gizmonics logo on the
theater doors. Carmen and Tom are thrown onto the ground in front of the desk
and are out cold.)

[Note: To distinguish the 2 Toms in this time frame, the Tom that came with Carmen
will be denoted as F Tom (Future Tom) and the other Tom will be known as P Tom.
(Past Tom.)]

(P Tom enters and happens to look over the desk.)

P Tom: AAAAAAAH! Help! (runs off camera)

(Enter P Tom again a moment later with Joel right behind him.)

Joel: What's the mat- (looks down) Whoa... (walks to the front of the
desk and taps Carmen on the cheek.) Hello? Miss?

(Carmen groans and slowly sits up blinking her eyes. She rubs them
momentarily and then looks at Joel.)

Carmen: Who...who are you? Where am I? (picks up F Tom) Hey Tom...

P Tom: (looking over the desk) Joel, what's going on here?!

Joel: Good question. Well, to answer yours first miss, I'm Joel Robinson and
you're aboard the Satellite of Love.

Carmen: The Satellite of Love? This can't be it...

Joel: Huh?

Carmen: (quickly) Oh! Where are my manners! I'm Carmen Sandiego.

(F Tom wakes up.)

F Tom: Hi Joel. (pauses and comes to a sudden realization) Joel? JOEL!

Joel: Um...hi...other Tom... Wait, hold on a second. How can there be
two of you?

F Tom: (motions to P Tom) Cuz I'm him! Well, him from the future.

Joel: Okay, so you two are from the future?

Carmen: Yes.

Joel: And I'm guessing because you said this can't be the Satellite of Love,
it must look different?

Carmen: Erm...just a tad.

Joel: And why do you seem so excited to see me...uh...Future Tom?

F Tom: (quickly) Well...I didn't think I'd....um....live through
the force from Carmen's invention that brought us here!

Joel: I see....

(Mad lights start flashing.)

Joel: Oh hang on, Frick and Frack are calling.

(Shot of Deep 13 with Dr. Forrester)

Dr. F: Oh hello boobie! (noticing Carmen and F Tom)
Who said you could have company?!


Joel: To be honest, Dr. Forrester, the company is very unexpected.

Carmen: Forrester?

F Tom: I'll explain later.

Joel: As I was saying, unexpected and uninvited.

Carmen: Well, thanks for the hospitality. (huffs)

(Deep 13)

Dr. F: I see somebody's not too pleased with you right now. Good.

(Frank runs in)

Frank: Hey Dr. F! (looks upward noticing Carmen and F Tom) Say Dr. F
since when-

Dr. F: They're uninvited company Frank.

Frank: Well, it's just an extra Servo and a sorta familiar looking lady.

Dr. F: Sorta familiar?

Frank: Yeah...give me a minute and I'll figure out.

Dr. F: I won't hold my breath. (looks upward towards Joel et. al)
Well, while Frank's pondering who your lady friend is, why don't
we just have our invention exchange, shall we?


Joel: Sure, Dr. Forrester. Why don't you start?

(Deep 13)

Dr. F.: Oh no, you start. I want to know that you finished your
invention prior to your company's arrival.


Joel: All right. And just so you know, yes I did. (ducks down
and grabs the invention from under the desk. He then
places it on top of the desk. The invention appears to be
a small wooden puppet stage with one Bo-Peep-like marionette hanging
on a hook off stage.) My invention basically is a helper for beginning
puppeteers. See, let me take my little Bo Peep here and place her on stage.
(places the puppet's feet on the stage floor.) And of course,
you pull the little strings and she'll move and dance and whatnot.
(Demonstrates, making the puppet do a short jumpy dance. During the
dance, two strings get tangled up.) Now see, the strings got crossed.
If I were to simply untangle them with my fingers, I'd ruin the
magic of storytelling for the kiddos. So, watch this... (takes a little
hook with a tiny plush bee on it and hooks the tangled string)
See I just use the hook here and just talk about the little bee as if
it were a character. The string gets untangled. (as he says this, it does
get untangled). Then I just pull the hook back and let the kiddos know
Mr. Bee here flew away. So, what do you think sirs?

(Deep 13)

Dr. F: Cute Joel. Now for a real invention. (holds up what
looks like a miniature copy machine in the palm of his left hand)
See, many people like to have their name on a business card. Makes
them feel important, you know? So even if they don't have a business,
they can make it seem like they do. Watch...I just put in this
little piece of cardboard into the slot...(rotates invention so know the
back is showing. It appears to be a tiny keyboard.) Now I just
type in what I want the card to say...I'll just make this brief for now,
so...I'll just put, "Dr. Forrester"...hit return now for the next
line and then..."Mad Scientist." There, now just click the print button
and...(a tiny light appears in the slot and out comes a small card with what
Dr. F. typed on it. He holds it up.) See...perfect, isn't it?


Joel: Gee...either you really like to promote yourself or-

(Deep 13)

Dr. F: Shut up Joel.

(Frank begins to jump up and down wildly and runs off for a moment.)

Dr. F: Now what got into him?

(Frank returns with the "Dinosaur Delirium/By a Whisker" video)

Frank: Look Dr. Forrester! I knew she looked familiar!

(Dr. F examines the box.)

Dr. F: So...she's a cartoon character?

Frank: Yeah! And that tape has a couple of her adventures on it.
One not very good.

Dr. F: (grins evilly) Oh really?


Carmen: Oh no...

(Deep 13)

Dr. F.: Oh yes girlie. Apparently, your name is...Carmen Sandiego, right?


Carmen: Correct...

(Deep 13)

Dr. F: I see. Well, nice to make another victim to torture. Frank!

Frank: Sending the movie right now, Dr. F.

Dr. F: Enjoy...


(Movie lights and sirens go off)


(dash off stage. Joel era theater door sequence follows. Fade in to
the theater. Crow enters, followed by Joel carrying P Tom, followed
by Carmen carrying F Tom. Crow, Joel and P Tom take their
respective seats. Carmen sits next to P Tom and plops F Tom next
to her but F Tom is upset at where P Tom is sitting.)

("Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song begins.)

(A live-action boy is sitting at his computer. He moves his
mouse onto an option on the screen that reads "Acme Headquarters." There
is a blue flash of light and the Chief appears on the
screen with a blue background behind him.)

Chief: Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?

F Tom (to P Tom)
Or a better question- what the hell
are you doing in MY seat?

(Zoom in on Chief's eyeball followed by a quick
zoom through the C-5 corridor which is filled
with computer generated frames of various facts.)

P Tom
(as music plays) YOUR seat?!

(as she pushes F Tom back into the seat next to her)
You're the guest here, you know that?

(scene comes into animation with a crowd celebrating
at a Chinese festival.)

Singers: Where is Carmen Sandiego
Carmen Sandiego

F Tom
I don't care! I want MY seat!

(a lady comes by with a giddy expression on her face.
She's holding a sparkler in each hand.)

Hee hee! Look at her guys!

(lady dips down and behind her and the C-5 entrance

P Tom

Singers: Where on Earth can she be?
Tell me, where is Carmen Sandiego?
Carmen Sandiego, Where on Earth can she be?

(grabs P Tom) Calm down. And other Tom,
Carmen's right. Just sit over there for now.

Ooh, ooh, ooh
Sphinx Mona Lisa

F Tom
(growls) FINE!!!!

Singers: Leaning Tower of Pisa
London Zoo, Timbuktu

P Tom (sing-song voice)
Ha ha, I got my seeeeeat....

Can you help us find a clue?

F Tom

Carmen (sighs)
I hope they're not like this throughout
the whole movie....

Singers: Oh, where is Carmen Sandiego?
Carmen Sandiego

Me neither. C'mon you two, we need you both to riff.

Where on Earth can she be?

(show logo)

P Tom and F Tom

(Title screen: "Dinosaur Delirium" written by Thomas Peroutka and David Ehrman)

F Tom
Hey. Erh. Man.

(Fade in. Pterodactyls flying about. Volcano has smoke coming out of it.)

Dinosaurs endorse Philip Morris.

(Black clouds in background, red sky.)

Man, the weather on Earth used to suck!

(Subtitles read: Late Cretaceous Period, 70 Million Years Ago.)

P Tom
Or in dog years, 490 million.

F Tom
Six years ago, I wasn't funny.

P Tom (turns towards F Tom)
Hey! Shut up!

F Tom (leans toward P Tom)
Make me! Ha!

Joel and Carmen
Guys, enough!

(Servos get back to their respective seats.)

(On Screen Carmen's car zooms past.)

Whoa! Sports cars evolved from clusters of cells!

(A T-Rex attacks a weak dinosaur.)

They're fighting over the remote control.

(Camera shifts to a close up on On Screen Carmen's face.)

F Tom
Our heroine, ladies, gentlemen and robots.

(Shot of the back of the license plate which reads 'Carmen.')

Carmen, you have a vanity plate!

Yes, but I'm not vain.

(Shot of gate guarded by two men.)

Okay movie, when are you?

(Car door opens up, close up on On Screen Carmen's leg and the
wheel of her car.)


Joel and Carmen

What? She's got nice wheels.

Joel and Carmen

(On Screen Carmen get out of her car and punctures her tire
with a pin. She then holds the pin up to her eye and it glitters.)

P Tom

(The guards notice On Screen Carmen's flat tire and speak to her.
The subtitles translate what the two guards say-- basically, they are
offering to help On Screen Carmen.)

I wanna help too!

On Screen Carmen: (translated) I don't know how this happened.


(Close up of On Screen Carmen's Henchman with a remote.)

See, I told you they were fighting over the remote.

(Shot of helicopters. Then, nameless henchmen drive up in a van, stop and
then dash off screen. Fade back to guards fixing On Screen Carmen's car.
On Screen Carmen is looking over their shoulders. Sound of helicopters is
heard. Guards look up and see them flying away.)

One guard: (translated) Somebody's stealing the helicopters!

Wow, tight national security they have here.

(An arched bar rises up on the roof of On Screen Carmen's car.)

Carmen's car is a Transformer.

(One helicopter lowers a hook and picks up the car.)

P Tom

One guard: (translated) It's Carmen Sandiego!

F Tom
Thank you Commander Obvious.

(Shot of On Screen Carmen in her car. She presses a button and
a dinosaur movie appears on a small TV. The dinosaurs roar.)

Gee, Carmen's tapping into the writers' frustration.

Or ours.


(Fade into the Player's computer screen.)

On Screen Carmen: Sorry you weren't in on all the fun Player.

Player: The fun's just begun Carmen. I know I can catch you this time.

F Tom
Yeah like all the other 20 times you caught her, right?

(gives F Tom a thumbs up and chuckles lightly)

On Screen Carmen: Not if I gave you a 200 million year head start.

The time it takes for the Player to form a complete thought.

(Fade out for commercial break. Fade back into to the Player's room.
He clicks a bunch of keys and reaches for the mouse.)

Powered by Microshaft.

(Player selects the "Acme Detective Agency" icon on his screen. Fade into
Ivy doing some serious training. She's running, climbing ropes and doing flips.)

F Tom
(Jackie Chan) I do my own stuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnt!

(Shift view to Zack holding a stopwatch eating a sandwich.)

Zack snacks while Ivy burns.

(Ivy finishes her training and walks over to Zack who looks at the stopwatch.)

Zack: Not a bad time.

Ivy: Not a bad time?! If you did this work out, I'd put my money on the dummy.

(Flash to Zack leaning on training dummy.)

Zack: (to dummy) What do you say to that?

(dummy) I'd say she's right.

(Chief's com sound heard.)

Zack: Go ahead Chief.

(Ivy begins to punch a large punching bag. The Chief happens to appear right
where Ivy is punching and gets hit about three times shouting, "Ow! Hey!")

P Tom
She's hitting her boss!

Every employee's dream.

Ivy: (grabs the punching bag and looks sheepish) Sorry about that.

Zack: What's up Chief?

Chief: (lull) Oh...hopefully not my medical coverages....

F Tom
(Sly Stalone) Adriennnnnne!

Chief: Last night Carmen stole four MI Russian helicopters.

(sing) ....and a partridge in a pear tree.

Zack: What's that? Some new vitamin?

Ivy: Try the world's strongest helicopter, Zack. I got to
fly one at Acme's Worldwide International training program.

Why didn't Wily E. Coyote think of this?

Wrong Acme.

Chief: Only if you're traveling to India

P Tom
Holy cow!

They were last seen refueling near New Delhi.

(Big question mark appears on the screen)

Crow (Riddler)
Riddle me this, Batman!

Ivy: They could be anywhere in this 500 mile radius.

Chief: And Carmen's henchman, Clayton Duree was spotted in
a refueling station in New Delhi.

(Shot of Clayton)

Nanu Nanu! I will fly your helicopter!

Zack: Hmm...home base, Agra India.

Ivy: Zack, look at this map. Agra is only 100 miles
from New Delhi.

(Shot of map. City dot blinking wildly)

P Tom
And it's BLINKING!

(C-5 appears.)

Chief: (voice-over) You're on your way from San Francisco
to Agra. Pack the anti-perspiring- the BIG can

Bring enough for everyone.

Chief: Cuz you're heading South to where the temperature can get
[very hot.]

(Shot of inside of the C-5 corridor)


Joel, P Tom and Crow


Chief: You'll see the incredible Taj Mahal. (Shot of Taj on final
C-5 screen.)

That's just a postcard!

(Shot of massive crowd in a river.)

Zack: (voice-over) You weren't kidding about the heat Chief! People
don't even take off their clothes to go swimming!

P Tom
Oh, they're just lazy.

Chief: Actually, bathing is a religious ceremony.

One they practice rarely.



Chief: The population of India is like taking the population of the
US (US map appears to the right of a map of India that appears. Little
stick figures quickly cover the whole US, then two more US maps appear
full of people.) and then dumping them (One map dumps all its people
into India)


(a second map dumps its people into India)


into India.

(third dump, but his time some people fall off the India map.)

Good-bye cruel world!

(C-5 opens up in a market place. Shot of cow follows.)

F Tom

Shotu: (addresses them)

Ivy: Uh...


Sorry...I don't speak Hindi.

Shotu: I speak English as well. My name is Shotu.

Bless you.

Ivy: Hey!

Zack: Listen!

(Helicopters fly by)

The plane boss...the...uh...helicopter...

(Shot of Shotu from the torso up that takes up much of the

P Tom
I'm huge!

(Shotu takes out postcards of the Taj Mahal.)

See, I told ya it was a postcard!

Shotu: In that direction is the Taj Mahal.

(Zack and Ivy run in the direction the helicopters are heading. Shotu
stops in front of them with bike with a passenger wagon in the back.)

Shotu: I know all the shortcuts.

Zack: What do we got to lose? Put your feet to the street, Shotu!

Flintstone style!

(Shot of cow in front of Shotu and detectives.)

F Tom

P Tom


Shotu: Sorry, I can't disturb this cow. We always give them the right of

We don't give cripples the right of way!

Zack: Great, held hostage by 1,200 pounds of hamburger!

(Shot of Shotu's face.)

(Shotu) Prick.

Shotu: I said I knew all the shortcuts, did I not?

(Shotu peddles)

Buckle up! We're about to reach speeds of three!

(Shotu runs into one person on the street, knocks the
packages out his hands.)

P Tom

(Shotu does the same to a second person)

F Tom
Jack off.

(Shot of Taj. Helicopters, Shotu and detectives arrive at the same time.)

Speeds of 3,000, that is!

P Tom
Wow, those were some shortcuts!

(Detectives and Shotu run inside the Taj.)

Zack: This place is a tomb! What could Carmen be after?

(Shotu rubs his hands up and down the wall.)

Shotu, making out with the wall...

Shotu: Perhaps the semi-precious stones in the wall-

(Whole place begins to shake, roof begins to get ripped off.)

Zack: She's not after the walls; she's after the roof!

Joel and 'bots

Carmen (meekly)

(Shotu dashes off exclaiming as he leaves.)

Shotu: I'll be sending you a bill for the petticab ride!

While saving my own ass!

(Shot of helicopters and cables. Zack grabs one, grunts and wiggles
back and forth.)

F Tom
Oh right, a KIDS' show!

Zack: I'm stuck!

(Shot of Ivy, nearby who has safely grabbed onto a cable.)

Ivy: I'm coming!

The 'bots
Ooh baby!

Carmen (groans)
Oh GOD...

(Ivy jumps up and grabs the Taj's roof and heads toward Zack.)

F Tom (Jackie Chan)
I still do my own stuunnnnnnnt!

Clayton: Ah, Acme detectives....

I, Mork, will take care of 'em!

(Clayton and four henchmen head towards the detectives. Clayton
climbs down, the henchmen repel down.)

Joel and 'bots (as each henchmen hits the roof)

(Shot of Zack and Ivy together)

Zack: Ivy, I don't think I'm having fun!

Oh and we are?

Joel and 'bots

(Fade out, Quiz question appears on the screen.)

Question: Can you name a river hundreds of Indian bath in and
believe to be sacred?

A very dirty one.

Joel, Carmen and 'bots
(mock laughter)

(All exit theater)

To be continued...