Sybil Trenlawny paced back and forth in her classroom. She knew that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was going to attack Hogwarts! She had Seen it! (She had also seen Him getting a sex change in the very near future to confuse his enemies, but that is entirely irrevelent to the story.)
Sybil knew that the 'Power the Dark Lord knows not' was suspected to be the love in Harry's heart. She knew that Dumbledore had sent Harry back to Privet Drive after his Godfather's murder because he felt the boy needed even more time to wallow in his misery, as was customary of the time.
She stroked her chin. Fanfiction authors all over the world were finding ways to attack the Burrow and so force Ginny Weasely to spend the summer alone with Harry! Why didn't they send Ron, Trelawny wondered. Surely, they knew that leaving Ginny and Harry alone together in a house of Muggles meant only one thing, and that one thing would make Molly Weasley go insane if she knew her youngest daughter was behaving that way with a boy.
Ginny and Harry were having cupcakes!
Sybil let out a groan. How could Ginny's judgement go so astray? Having cupcakes with a boy was a big step in a young woman's life...
Trelawny sighed. Well, Ginevra - although she was going to die at a young age by a tragic attack-of-the-tadpoles accident - couldn't have chosen a better young man.
Except for the whole my-destiny-is-to-face-the-Dark-Lord-and-I-may-never-return-and-this-story-is-oh-so-Star-Wars-and-The-Legend-Of-Zelda thing.
Sybil shook her head. Yes, all of the professors thought that Harry's Power was love...but she knew better. Harry's power was, in fact, his supreme cooking abilities!
How else could he have convinced Ginevra Weasley to have cupcakes with him? He was cunning, oh yes. Very cunning.
She felt her stomach heave and knew at once that she was about to bout off a prophecy. There was no one around to hear! Luckily, just at that moment Hermione Granger decided that she wanted to visit the Divination classroom, and she heard:
"Oh, my poor doggy fizzles. The One with the scar on his forehead - lightening bolt, really ugly, you know the one - will defeat the Dark Lord by Luck, not cunning, or talent, or bravery. No! In fact, he needs only to step on the Dark Lord's foot, you hear me, foo? He needs tah step on the right foot, oh else we aaaaaaaaaall gonna die. You pass the message on, sweetie-pumpkin-baby-shizzle."
Sybil coughed. "Did you hear the prophecy?" She asked urgently. "Tell me, tell me!"
Hermione's eyes were wide. "Oh, Professor!" She burst out, her eyes pooling with tears as they often did, because apparently Hermione was a very emotional person. "That was the most bizzare prophecy I've ever heard!"
She ran out of the classroom and straight to Dumbledore, as the students always did. When she came to the gargoyle, she immediately bouted off all of the usual passwords. "Fizzing Whizbees! Lemon drops! Bernie Botts Every Flavour Beans! Chocolate Frogs!"
She paused, knowing that these would not work. Then, an idea struck.
"Dumbledore is not really the wise old man that Rowling depicts him as because everyone hates him after the fifth book!"
The gargoyle opened. "I knew it!" Hermione cried. "I know everything! And it was all by deductive reasoning! You see, Dumbledore didn't think anyone would reason out his logic as I have, but once again I prove that I am the smartest witch of my age! Jinkees!"
She smiled happily and then sat down across from the Professor. "Lemon drop?" He asked, his blue eyes twinkling.
"No, sir!" Hermione cried.
The twinkling increased considerably. "Sir, I've just heard a prophecy by Sybil Trelawny! It says that--" here, Hermione related the prophecy to the old teacher, "--And what are we going to do?"
The twinkling grew at an alarming rate. Hermione felt blinded.
"My cool head in the face of danger just doesn't seem to be working! I always depend on the boys in these fan fics and can never seem to think for myself without sounding pompous, so I've decided to play the helpless maiden this time! Maybe if I act like a slut and wear tank tops and short shorts, Ron will notice me, or maybe Harry, or maybe both and there will be a terrible entanglement in which I'll have to choose between the two, even though J.K. told us that there was no romance between Harry and I!"
She burst into distressed tears. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes was so blinding and bright that all Hermione could see was white. "Oh, for the love of God - I mean, Merlin (cool wizard lingo) - TURN OFF THAT TWINKLE!"
Dumbledore blinked and smacked his head. The twinkle went away. "There you are, my little chicken," he said fondly. "I'm sorry; I was just seeing how bright I could get it."
Hermione began to cry again, and somehow, through her ugly, puffed out eyes and tear stained cheeks, her frizzy hair and flushed face, Ron (who was in the boys dormitory but watching the whole scence through a telescope) found her just as beautiful as he always did.
"Damned shame," he muttered. "I had really hoped that the wetness would increase her attractiveness."
Harry shrugged, completely buried in a book. Then, suddenly, he looked up. "Wait!" He cried. "What are we doing here, Ron? We're supposed to be at our own respective houses - you with Hermione and me with Ginny! We were eating cupcakes! How did we get to Hogwarts?"
Ron waved his hand dismissivly. "Oh, you probably have super powers that allow you to do that sort of thing, don't worry," he said, and went back to stalking Hermione.
Meanwhile, Ginny was having the same realization in the girls' dormitory as Harry and Ron were in the boys'. She immediately threw on a flimsy nightgown and dashed into their rooms. Along the way, her hair suddenly grew down her waist and brushed itself so that it was silky and shimmery when she entered the room.
"Oh, Harry!" She cried, flinging herself into his arms. "You have some sort of special power! What are we going to do?"
"I don't know," Harry answered nonchalantly. "Defeat Voldemort, I suppose."
And then, at the same time, Ginny and Harry realized that they were inches apart, so they threw themselves into a passionate kiss. There was tongue and everything and they only split when they had to breathe. Ron, noticing for the first time that his sister was in the room, shouted, "Hey, don't kiss my sister!"
But it was too late and they were at it again.
"No, wait!" Harry said abruptly, breaking off the kiss. "I forgot to say my line!" So Ginny sat back and waited patiently. "Ginny," Harry recited, "I am the number one target of the Dark Lord. Being with me with drastically increase your chances of being killed. Do you still want to be with me?"
"No," Ginny answered automatically, and then paused. "Oh, wait, no, that's wrong. I mean yes. I'm not afraid. I'm not going to cry ever. I am going to be strong and everyone will hail me as their favourite character. But then one day, I will break down and you will find me and from that moment on we will be inseperable. Together, we will bring down Voldemort!"
Ron shook his head. "No, that's just Harry's job. You weren't in the prophecy. Sorry, though," he added apologetically. "I wanted a job, too."
Ginny sighed, looking put out. "Shame," she said sadly. "But oh well."
And then Voldemort appeared!
"I...am...Voldemort!" He cried.
"Yes, you are," Harry agreed. "And I am Harry Potter. Nice to meet you. Would like some tea?"
"Oh, no thanks," Voldemort declined, smiling cheerily. "But thanks for the offer. I'm actually looking for Remus Lupin. You see, I have to kill him because he is a close friend of yours and, well, let's face it, I always kill Lupin. So, then. Any idea where he is?"
Harry nodded. "Yes, actually. He's in Muggle London, seeing the movie 'Oceans Twelve'."
Ginny let out a squeal. "Oh, I want to see that!" She yelped. "Josh Harnett is in it, right? And Julia Roberts?"
"I think so," Ron agreed. "But, Ginny, we don't have enough money!"
"Here you go!" Voldemort graciously handed Ron 17,000,000 galleons. "For college," he explained. "You and the girl. Ginny, my dear! It's been so long!"
Ginny, realizing this was Tom, gave him a big hug. "Hello!" She cried. "How are you? I'm terribly sorry about getting you killed in book two, but I see you've done all right. Are you still playing cricket?"
Voldemort nodded. "Oh, yes. I'm first in the country."
Ginny beamed with pride. "I'm so proud, Tom," she wept.
At that moment, Hermione burst in. "Voldemort!" She cried. "Ron, since we are going to die anyway, I love you! I've loved you since third year! Do you love me, too?"
Ron studied her for a moment. "Yeah, okay," he replied and kissed her passionately.
Voldemort, Ginny, and Harry clapped in glee. Harry picked up a spare slice of pizza that he had cooked. "Would you like it?" He asked. Voldemort nodded and Harry stood. Unfortunately, he tripped on his own feet, stepped on Voldemort's right foot as the Dark Lord took a bite of the pizza, and with a yelp of pain the Dark Lord fell out a window to his death.
"Oh, damn," Harry swore. "That was the last piece, too."
There. Now I don't feel badly about that morbid New Year's piece. :)
Hey...look how pretty that little button is...makes you wanna click, don't it?