Harry Potter & the Azkaban Parody

By Fangalla Marie

"Harry, you've got to forgive us," cried Hermione as the Weasley family stood around her.


"Because, Harry, my boy," Dumbledore said, taking over form the near hysterical girl. "You need to let go of your pain and accept what has happened to you. It is for your own good."

Harry stood there and stared at his former Headmaster, friends and family. After all Professor Dumbledore has expelled Harry when he was sent to Azkaban for a crime any fool with half a brain knew he didn't commit.

"For my own good?" asked Harry bitterly. "Let me get this straight, you believed that I would suddenly turn dark because I was mourning the loss of my godfather, whose death I still blame you for, and behaving the way you all wanted me to. Then you sat there in your office and told me that I was lying about murdering Hagrid, Professor Trelawney, Percy Weasley, several house elves and that large three headed dog, Fluffy, even though you verified that it wasn't my wand that killed all of those people. You then expelled me from school, knowing that I was innocent, handed me over to the Dementors, all the while looking at me as if I was the greatest disappointment to you."

Professor Dumbledore stood there and looked ashamed of himself.

Taking a deep breath, Harry went on, "I was in that cold and dark cell for one year, three months, two weeks, four days, seven hours, thirteen minutes and twenty six seconds and the only reason I got out of it then was because Voldemort and his Death Eaters came and dragged me out of it."

Everyone but Dumbledore flinched at the sound of the dark wizard's name.

"Get over it, he's dead now," Harry said with a great deal of irritation before he continued. "Apparently you and the other ministry officials were there the same day to see to it that the Dementors performed the deadly kiss on me and suck out my soul. If it wasn't for the fact that damned idiot of a dark lord would never shut up and told everyone what really happened that day, I'd be dead or worse."

Everyone in the group looked ashamed of the way they had treated the Boy-Who-Lived.

"Then what's worse, I had to actually duel the scaly idiot after not having my wand for one year, three months, two weeks, four days, seven hours, thirteen minutes and twenty six seconds. It was a miracle that I was able to kill him with someone else's wand."

Then Harry turned his attention to his two former best friends and said, "As for you two, did it never occur to you that I was innocent? I always believed in you, why didn't you believe in me?"

"Harry, mate …" Ron began but was cut off by Harry.

"The two of you not only hurt me, but you went up to our dormitory and actually burned everything that I ever owned," Harry said with a hurt look in his eyes. "I could have lived without the clothes and books, those can be replaced. You went and burned my Firebolt, the only thing Sirius ever gave me and my dad's cloak, the only thing I ever had that was his and the photograph album that Hagrid gave me of my family. The thing I had to know what they looked like."

"We're so sorry Harry," Hermione said with tears streaming down her face.

"I don't care how sorry you are," yelled Harry. "What about Hedwig?"

No one had the courage to answer him.

Harry turned to the twins and accused, "The two of you held me down and forced me to watch as this half-wit of a younger brother actually wrung her neck. WRUNG HER NECK! You made me watch as you murdered the only living creature in the world you believed in me."

"We're sorry Harry," the twins chorused each other.

"SORRY?" shrieked Harry. Then in a calmer tone he continued once again, "Then after I killed the bastard, the ministry decides to set me free, gives me a million galleons for my troubles and says 'All is forgiven.' And now you have the crust to stand there and demand that I forgive you?"

"Yes, Harry we are," Dumbledore said in a grave tone. "It's for your own good that you do so."

"You only want me to forgive you so that you won't feel guilty for the way I have been forced to live my life! You only want me to forgive you so that you can feel better!" screamed Harry.

"That would be correct."

Everyone stood stock still including Harry as they all looked over to the greasy potions master.

"Yes, Potter, that is exactly what they are saying to you."

"Thank you Professor," Harry said gratefully, actually wanting someone to admit what he knew was true. Then picking up a paper bag which held the rags he wore in Azkaban, he headed for the door to loose himself in Muggle London and away from the wizarding world forever.

"I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave Harry," Dumbledore said with a sparkle returning to his eye, because he had a plan. As you'll see in later chapters this was not the best of plans to have, but oh well, it's the one he's going with right now.

Harry turned back with pure hatred in his eyes and asked, "Excuse me?"

"Yes, you see I managed to get a law passed that says you, Harry Potter, have to complete your education at Hogwarts, where you will be constantly bombarded with all the people you don't want to see until we break you and force you to forgive us."

"But I'm of age."

"Tosh, that doesn't matter," Dumbledore said. "Until you forgive us, I'm going to keep manipulating you until you make us feel better for betraying you."

"I've already missed my entire sixth year and part of the seventh," Harry said looking for a logical way to get out of this.

"That doesn't matter, as we're going to force you to take both years at the same time, forcing you to do twice the work that anyone else in the castle is, which of course, will force you to ask for help from your friends in order for you to complete these tasks. Then of course, you will be forced to rejoin the Quidditch team and work with even more people that you hate, which will make your life even worse than it was in Azkaban in order for us to feel better about ourselves."

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement with the Headmaster.

"And I have no say in this what-so-ever? Even though I am of legal age, have no wand anymore, no books, no clothes, and no money."

"That would be correct my boy."

"Fuck you," and Harry walked out the door anyway and out into the dirty streets of London.


Out in Muggle London Harry was soaked to the skin within moments due to the downpour of rain from the thunderstorm that raged over that part of the city. This did not deter him in the least and he began to walk. Harry had no idea where he would go, but walking away was the best thing for him to do.

"I can't believe them," Harry muttered to himself as he walked in the rain. "They just expect me to kiss and make up just like that? Idiots!"

However, Harry eventually came to a cross roads and now he really did need to decide where he was going. Looking both ways and across the street, he quickly decided that none of the options were that appealing to him.

"Well, I guess I could just become a homeless person for awhile," Harry muttered to himself again. Then spotting an alcove in an alley, he walked over to it and sat down.

"Wotcher, Harry."

Harry spun around and saw the face of Tonks as she pulled an invisibility cloak off of herself.

"What do you want?" snarled Harry unpleasantly.

"There's no need to be crabby, kid," she replied like the puffed up Auror he knew her to be.

"The last time I saw you, Nymphadora," Harry spat, "You personally threw me into my cell in Azkaban after you sucker punched me in my gut and told me that it was my fault that Sirius was killed by your auntie Bellatrix."

Tonks looked sheepish even though she wanted to yell at him for calling her by her given name. "Sorry about that," she muttered.

"Save it. Why are you here?"

"Dumbledore's orders," she replied. "He says we have to keep an eye on you no matter what."

Harry was about to explode with anger. Had he not already told them he wanted nothing to do with these people ever again? "What if I said I wanted to be left alone?" Harry asked through clenched teeth.

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Fuck you," growled Harry.

"From that attitude I'd say you could use a good shag, but I don't think so," the young Auror said with a smile, which did not get returned.

"If I can't get rid of you, then shut up."

"Okay Harry, I'll just sit here and not say a word. Uh huh that's right, just sit here keeping an eye on you in the down pouring rain without a word between us. Yep, that's what I'm going to do. You won't so much as hear a peep out of me as we sit here getting Merlin only knows what kind of sickness from being cold and wet and miserable and hungry. Nope, not a word."

"Merlin, you're a sodding bitch," Harry said heatedly.

"That's not a friendly thing to say Harry."

"You're not my friend. I don't have any friends anymore."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself …"

"Fuck off," interrupted Harry.

Tonks continued as if he said nothing, "… and get on with your life. Alright, so you may not forgive any of us for not believing you. Does that mean you have to live out here on the street for the rest of your life?"

"Can if I want to."

"I don't understand you, you know that? You'll go out of your way to save a stranger, but you won't lift a finger to help yourself. At your trial you never once asked for a wizarding solicitor to help you out with your case."

"No one told me that I could have one and no one was helping me at all," Harry said sadly as he remembered those days. However, Harry had a thought go through his head. It wasn't a happy thought, nor was it a sad thought. It wasn't a good thought, nor was it a bad thought, but it was a selfish thought.

"Tonks?" he said pleasantly. "How does one find a wizarding solicitor?"

"They are all over Diagon Alley. Why?"

"Is there a listing of them to know who would specialize in what kind of wizarding law?"

A frown formed on the face of the pink haired young woman as she answered, "Yeah, you can buy a guide in any bookstore. They are updated every few months. Why do you want to know?"

With a feral smile on his young and battered face, Harry said, "I'm about to take your advise." Then he stood up and began to walk away from the seated Auror.

"Where are you going now?"

"Back to Diagon Alley, I have some shopping to do."


A short time later, after Harry had walked though the Leaky Cauldron and pointedly ignoring his former friends and the Headmaster, he made his way to the entrance to Diagon Alley and went directly to Gringott's Wizarding Bank. I mean really, did they truly expect him to just roll over and make up just like that? Trust me, I know you haven't read this story yet, but this is some major foreshadowing happening right in front of you. Pay attention.

At Gringott's Wizarding Bank, Harry privately met with the goblin that was in charge of his family's accounts and later went down to his private vault and withdrew some money. Tonks had been forced to wait for him in the lobby of the bank as he told the goblin guards that she was not with him and he feared that she may be trying to spy on how much gold he had in his vaults.

Upon exiting the bank, Harry headed towards the bookstore, Flourish and Blots. Tonks was still hot on his heels and quickly caught up with him, Harry thought she was going to try and talk to him again, but she instead remained silent and apparently trying to figure out what he was up to. Like that was going to do her any good.

Upon entering the mostly empty store front a young and over eager looking clerk ran up to Harry and asked, "Can I help you find something today?"

"Yes," Harry said coldly, "I was told you sell guides to wizarding solicitors. Do you have any in stock?"

The clerk nodded eagerly and went to get one for Harry. "Will there by anything else, Mr. Potter? I would imagine that you need to buy school books for your return to Hogwarts."

"NO!" said Harry forcefully. Then calming down for a moment to allow the shocked clerk to suck his eye balls back into their sockets he continued, "I only require this for right now."

Harry quickly paid for his item and then stood near fireplace that heated the store and began to look though the guide for what he wanted. Quickly finding a particular section that caught his eye, he began reading the different entries for each solicitor and soon found just the one he was looking for. Looking up to find Tonks was watching carefully, Harry left the shop and out in the rain began to look around to get his bearings.

Harry then headed for Knockturn Alley.

"Harry," Tonks finally said as she caught up with him again in the rain soaked alley, "Where do you think you're going?"

Then for the first time in one year, three months, two weeks, four days, seven hours, thirteen minutes and twenty six seconds Harry Potter smiled and continued to his destination without replying to her question.

To Be Continued … Please Read and Review