A/N: Huge thankyou to my pal Naomi for beta-ing and for keeping me motivated and inspired.

Disclaimer: all the good characters here are Tolkien's. The Mary-Sues are mostly parodies of other people's OCs. Figwit probably belongs to Bret McKenzie, or maybe to New Line, I'm not too sure. He's not mine, anyway.

1.

"Ada!"

Elrond glared at the girl who stood in front of him. She had raven-black hair that fell in waves down to the small of her back. Her eyes were roughly the colour of the sky on a cloudy day. She wore a long blue velvet dress which was just about covered in jewels. Around her neck hung an amulet which was shining brightly.

"Who are you?" he asked sternly.

"I'm Ellarinea, daughter of Aleni." Elrond looked blank. "You are my father. I have come to Rivendell because I sense a great evil."

"I'm sorry," said Elrond, "But you've confused me with someone else." He sidestepped the girl and continued walking, lost in meditation. Soon he was interrupted again.

"Ada!" said a girl, stepping in front of him. It took Elrond a moment to realise this wasn't the same girl. Although she was similar, this one had eyes which were closer to the colour of the ocean. Also, HER amulet wasn't so much shining as it was shooting rainbows and sparkles. Elrond chose to push past her without saying anything.

"Ada, it's me, Lorella! I forgive you for abandoning me all those years ago!" she said. When she realised Elrond wasn't listening she pouted with her full lips.

Elrond realised there was something seriously amiss when he turned a corner into a courtyard and found himself amongst dozens of girls.

"Ada!" shouted a few of them upon seeing him. Elrond searched the crowd of faces, looking for a familiar one. There were Elves, mortal women, and a few female Halflings with suspiciously small and hairless feet. A tall and slender Elf with silver hair and green eyes approached him.

"Lord Elrond, I have been searching for you! Many years ago I was captured by Orcs and kept as a slave in Mordor. I escaped only yesterday, and now seek refuge in Rivendell."

Elrond was about to ask how she'd got from Mordor to Rivendell in one day, but thought better of it.

He turned away from the Elf, and saw a thin blond girl dressed in rags, sitting on the ground crying, and talking to nobody in particular.

"Oh, woe is me, my entire family have been killed by the Nazgul and now all I have left is this sword, and this necklace. And this magic crystal ball which allows me to speak directly to my father's spirit."

Suddenly, Elrond saw Aragorn forcing his way through the crowd.

"What's going on?" Elrond asked, "Where have all these girls come from?"

"We don't know," said Aragorn, leading Elrond away from the hoard of women. But they seemed to be everywhere now.

"How many of them ARE there?!"

"I counted a hundred and ninety earlier, but more keep appearing. I'd estimate there are close to four hundred now. And a large number of them claim to be your daughters. I never realised you had so many!"

"One," said Elrond. "I have one daughter. These people are mistaken or are trying to deceive us." He lowered his voice. "I knew having the Ring in Rivendell could bring great evil here, but I never realised..." He was interrupted by a scream as Frodo ran past them, pursued by two young, pretty, female hobbits.

"Elrond, how are we supposed to have a secret council today when we are overrun like this?" asked Aragorn.

"I don't know."

Suddenly, with a puff of smoke, a girl wearing Jeans and a Blink-182 T-shirt appeared before them. She had shoulder-length honey-coloured hair and grey eyes, but asides from that, she looked the same as all the others.

"Like, oh my god, the last thing I remember, I was walking home, and I tripped over a tree root, and now I'm here? Where the hell am I, anyway? And who are you?"

"I am Lord Elrond. You are in Rivendell. Please leave," said Elrond. The strangely-dressed woman looked at him perplexedly.

"Oh... my... god! My mom always said my dad was killed in a drive-by shooting, but looking at you now I can feel in my heart that YOU are my real father! That totally explains my weird pointy ears!"

Ignoring Elrond's latest daughter, Aragorn spotted Figwit, Legolas' loyal companion, coming towards them, looking slightly baffled.

"Figwit! Do you have any idea what's going on?"

"Not a clue," said Figwit

"Where's Legolas?" asked Elrond. It was unusual to see the two of them apart.

"He accidentally cut the tip of his finger whilst combing his hair. Don't worry, though, twenty-three of your daughters are tending to his wound. Aragorn, why have you never mentioned that you have a twin sister... or rather, two twin sisters?" He pointed in the direction he had just come from. Aragorn saw that standing there were two dark women dressed in black leather armour. Both of them were very muscular whilst somehow still managing to look slender. One carried a sword, the other a bow.

"I don't have a twin sister," said Aragorn, "Not even one!"

"Oh, and that pale girl standing in the shadows behind them introduced herself to me as Eirka, said she was looking for her father, 'Gandolf'. I told her that made no sense whatsoever, and she started sulking," said Figwit.

"I think there's something foul afoot," said Elrond to Aragorn and Figwit, "We should go somewhere private to discuss this."

They searched for what seemed like hours to find somewhere not infested with odd out-of-place women. The only such room they could find was the bedchamber that Gimli had been using.

After making sure the door was bolted fast, Elrond, Aragorn and Figwit tried in vain to work out what was going on.

"None of them have a story which is plausible. I think it's safe to say they are not who they say they are," said Elrond.

"Whoever they are, we cannot deal with them now. They are a distraction, a diversion from the true evil which hangs over our heads," said Aragorn.

Suddenly a mist formed in the corner of the room. The figure of a woman appeared in the mist. She was tall and slim, with straight dark hair down to her waist. As the figure became solid, they saw that she had bright violet eyes and pointed ears. She was dressed in red velvet, and the Evenstar jewel hung around her neck. Aragorn frowned at her.

"Father!" she said to him.

"No," said Aragorn, "I have no children."

"Get out," said Elrond angrily.

"You don't understand. My name is Araenne. I am the daughter of Aragorn and Arwen..."

"Get. Out."

"... I have been sent back from the future to help you destroy the One Ring. I can swordfight better than Daddy, and..."

"GET! OUT!" yelled Elrond. Figwit unbolted and opened the door. Aragorn firmly shoved Araenne out.

Before they slammed the door shut on her, they heard her ask: "Um, is Legolas around here anywhere?"

"We cannot hold the council in Rivendell while there are so many of those... things here. They could be spies from Sauron or Saruman. We cannot trust them under any circumstances. I worry they may try to corrupt or warp the minds of good people here. They have to go."

"Give me weapons," said Figwit seriously, "And I'll get rid of them."

"You'd kill them?" asked Elrond.

"If you wish me to. Not only are those people implausible and evil, they are also annoying."