A/N: yes, I've used movieverse dialogue for the Council scene, and I deserve to die a million deaths for that. I can only justify it by saying that I would have no idea how a Mary-Sue would react in the Council of Elrond as it was in the book... since I've yet to read such a Sue-fic.
Also, a movie-style Council scene helps justify Figwit's being in the story, and that's pretty central to the plot of this little fiction.
Thanks to Naomi for giving me the onomatopoeia "fwing". The story wouldn't have been half as amusing (to me, anyway) without that.
Very soon, Figwit had been kitted out with a bow and a quiver full of arrows.
"Remember," said Elrond, "Ask them who they are. If they tell you anything even slightly unconvincing, shoot without hesitation. If the arrow's not broken, salvage it, or we'll probably run out before all those... women... are dead."
"Who are you?" asked Figwit of a she-elf he had cornered,
"Princess Katrina of Gavellar," said the girl
"What are you doing here?" asked Figwit
"The voices in my head told me to come to Rivendell to help fight a Great Evil."
Fwing went Figwit's bow as he shot an arrow into her heart.
"Who are you?" he asked a chestnut-haired half-elf
"I am Lady Laera! Elrond's long-lost daughter!" said the girl.
"Who are you?" he asked a blond woman.
"Elaviel Undomeil. Boromir's fiancee."
"Who are you?" he asked a young, dark-haired girl with glasses and an unusual scar on her forehead
"Harriet Potter," she said. Figwit blinked. "I'm a witch. From Hogwarts. I cast a spell and ended up here."
"Who are you?"
A short while later, Elrond caught up with Figwit as he was adding a dead, but pretty, female hobbit to the large pile of corpses he'd made.
"How many have you killed so far?" Elrond asked
"Four hundred and twenty-seven. I don't think there's many left now."
"Of those, how many of them claimed to be my daughters? I only ask out of curiosity."
"One hundred and fifty-two."
"Ada!" came a voice from behind them. Figwit spun round, bow aimed. He found himself staring at a beautiful, slender elf, with pale skin and cascading dark hair. Her grey eyes sparkled like the stars. She was heading towards Elrond.
"Who are you?" said Figwit.
"For Eru's sake, Figwit, lower your bow!" said Elrond, as his daughter stared in shock.
"Oh. Forgive me, Lady Arwen."
"Forgiven," she muttered. Then, to Elrond, she said, "Ada, Elrohir is in trouble. He is trapped in his bedchamber, as there is a young elf and a beautiful mortal woman fighting outside. They both claim to be his fiancee, and I fear they might kill each other!"
"Not if I get there first, they won't." said Figwit, sprinting off.
Eventually, it seemed all those who were not supposed to be in Rivendell had been slain. And so, a little later than planned, the Council of Elrond started.
Figwit kept his bow hidden under his robes in case any more strange females should arrive during the meeting. It turned out this was a wise precaution.
Just as everyone was getting seated, a beautiful pure white horse rode up. Upon it sat a figure hidden by a black silk cloak. The figure dismounted, and revealed her face to the council. She was a stunning elf-maiden, with golden locks and electric blue eyes.
"Lord Elrond, I received your message, and came as soon as I could. I shall help you decide the fate of the ring."
"Elrond, did you send invitations out?"
"Absolutely not!" said Elrond.
No less than six more maidens arrived during the first few minutes of the council. All rode beautiful steeds and were cloaked. The colour of said cloaks varied from black to very very very dark purple. Figwit shot the last two without even waiting for them to dismount.
For a while, there were no more. Elrond began to relax, and so did the rest of the council. Then they remembered that there was another evil that needed to be dealt with, and they all tensed again.
"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo Baggins," said Elrond. But even as these words left his lips was he interrupted. From an unseen place in the shadows, a vision of Elvish beauty appeared and faced the council.
She was tall and slim, with flawless, pale, almost translucent skin. Her curly hair came to just above her ankles, and was fiery red, but with natural streaks of black and silver.
Her eyes were a glowing green, the colour of grass on a summer's day. There was a nasty-looking gash on her right arm, which she was clutching with her left hand.
As the elf opened her mouth to speak, the council saw that her canine teeth were long and pointed, like fangs.
"I am Nisinariellinea Rahnne Moonstarshine, Princess of the lost realm of Vejimyte, but you can call me Nissa," she said "and I am the only being who can save Middle Earth from doom."
"Kill her, Figwit."
Figwit drew his bow and shot at her. But the arrow stopped in mid-air inches before hitting her, and fell to the ground, broken.
"You cannot harm me," she said, her eyes flashing red for a moment, "For I have cast a protection spell upon myself. I do apologise for being late, but tragically, my unicorn was slain on my way here, and I've had to run the last thirty miles." Suddenly, she caught sight of Lord Elrond. "Ada?" she said. Elrond put his head in his hands and started to weep in frustration. Then Legolas piped up.
"My Lord, perhaps we should ignore it, and it might go away." And since none of the council had any better ideas, this is what they did. But it wasn't easy.
"Soooooo..." said Boromir, returning his attention to the Ring, "It is true."
"My arm hurts," said Nissa, "But I shall survive it, for I am strong." Boromir tried to block out her voice.
"Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay by the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!"
"Are you talking about the ring of power? I have one of those," said Nissa, holding up her hand to show the elaborate ring she was wearing. "The twenty-first ring of power. Sauron himself gave it to me."
"You cannot wield it." said Aragorn to Boromir. "None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."
"And what would a Ranger know of this matter?" asked Boromir, his voice full of spite.
"This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."
"Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?"
"And heir to the throne of Gondor," said Nissa, nodding in agreement. Legolas couldn't help but glare.
"Quiet, princess," hissed Aragorn.
"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king!" exclaimed Boromir.
"Aragorn is right." said Gandalf "We cannot use it."
"I know your futures," said Nissa, "And what would happen to each of you if you fell under the spell of the ring."
And so the council continued, with everyone trying their best to ignore Nissa's interruptions. She was just an added annoyance when everyone's tempers were frayed already. A row broke, and, for a small time at least, Nissa sat in silence until, at last, Frodo had announced that he would be willing to take the ring to Mordor.
"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins. As long as it is yours to bear," said Gandalf.
"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."
"And my bow."
"And my axe."
"And my knives."
"I'm sorry, you disillusioned girl, but you're not going on the quest," Boromir said, unable to ignore her this time. Nissa fumed.
"You think I should not accompany Frodo because you assume I cannot fight? Because I am female? Perhaps I should give you a demonstration of my skill?" said Nissa, grasping the hilt of one of her many concealed knives.
"I do not doubt your fighting skill, woman. The reason you won't be going along is that you're inherently irritating and none of the council trust you."
Princess Nisinariellinea started to sob.
"You hate me, I know. Everybody hates me! It's been the same all my life! Ever since my foster-father raped me..."
"You were raped?" asked Aragorn.
"Yes," sobbed the princess.
"Then how are you alive? I didn't think most Elves could survive that."
"Well, um... I'm only four fifths Elf... I'm a fifth Hobbit, so that could make me able to survive," a small amount of smoke was starting to seep from Nissa's pores.
"A fifth Hobbit?" asked Elrond "How can that be?"
"Well, um, my mother was a quarter hobbit, so, err..." The smoke was starting to surround Nissa now, and she coughed.
"So, err, what?" asked Gimli, "Tell me, how can you be a fifth anything?"
"The Logic! IT BURNS US!"
"And what's the twenty-first ring of power, anyway?" asked Figwit, "I could have sworn there were only twenty forged."
"And why didn't the protection spell save you from whatever injured your arm?" asked Boromir
"I'm meeeeeeeelting! MEEEEEEELTING!" screamed Nissa. And as the council mercilessly pointed out more and more flaws in the Princess' character, she slowly turned into a puddle of steaming purple goo, which quickly evaporated.
"How strangely satisfying," said Elrond.
And that is how Rivendell survived the invasion of Mary-Sues. But not all of their kind was gone. Not quite. One remained, and this one would never be caught.
Figwit Melpomaen, the greatest archer in all the land, sat alone. He gently pushed his long, shining dark hair out of his face. With his large, deep, sorrow-filled eyes he watched over Rivendell.
He prayed a silent prayer that nobody would ever discover his dark secret. And they never did.