Disclaimer: CATS doesn't belong to me. The PPC doesn't belong to me, but to Jay and Acacia, who started it all. The only thing here that's mine are Serenity, unfortunately. And Ekwy and Gecka, of course. But they don't count.

This is a PPC-fic that I wrote when I was bored. For those of you who don't know, the PPC stands for "Protectors of the Plot Continuum," and it is an organisation that spends their time killing Mary-Sues and correcting various things in Bad Fic all around the 'Net. Isn't that noble of them? Do they not deserve our praise? I think so.

The story being PPCd is written by me, Ekwy, since I wanted to procrastinate studying for my Math test. Ahem. Yes. Heh. I'll just go away and do that now, shall I?

The Tale of Serenity Deuteronomy

She knew that she was in trouble. One did not escape from the most dangerous cat in London, if not the world, without being in trouble. She tried not to think about it, but the thought kept coming back to haunt her memory.

He had tried to make her his mate. Like, ew.

It was not that Macavity wasn't handsome or anything. He had that sort of bad-boy thing going on that worked quite well for him, he just wasn't her type. She preferred her toms nice and sweet, thank you very much.

Serenity Deuteronomy continued to run along the dark streets of London. She was looking for a particular junkyard, where she knew that she would find friends to take her in while she was fleeing from Macavity. Her snowy white tail played in the wind behind her, and her black ears continuously searched for any signs of dangerous activity. Everything still seemed calm. But with Macavity, one could never be too sure.

Serenity turned a corner, and suddenly she found herself standing in front of a black tomcat, which looked at her curiously. Well, he wasn't completely black. He had a white chest, which made him look as if he was wearing a human tuxedo, and three of his legs sported white socks. The tip of his tail was also white, and dark examining eyes peered at her from a pale face.

"Hello," he said, sounding friendly. "Who are you?"

Serenity stared at him. Maybe other people simply saw just a tomcat, maybe a little smaller than most, but she saw something else. Something more. This tom was powerful. He had powers that Macavity could only dream of. Nothing compared to her own magic, of course, but still quite impressive.

"I... You..." she stuttered, not able to take her eyes off of him. "I mean... You're a magic cat!"

(A/N: See, she's not perfect! Sometimes Serenity just say stuff that is inappropriate, she's not a Mary-Sue, you meanies!!!1)

The tomcat looked around, as if he had heard something odd, but then he shrugged and returned to Serenity.

"What? I mean, how did you know?" he said with shifty eyes.

"Oh, I am sorry." Serenity blushed. "My name is Serenity Deuteronomy, I'm looking for the Jellicles."

The tomcat seemed confused. "Your name is Serenity Deuteronomy?"

"Yes, after my father," Serenity announced somewhat proudly. "Do you know him, he's supposed to..."

"Does 'names that will never belong to more than one cat' mean anything to you, Serenity?" the tomcat asked, not sounding so friendly anymore.

She just gaped at him. "Like, what?"

The tomcat grinned, and his claws slowly shot out of his silky paws...

Stop stop stop! This doesn't work like I've planned! Rewind the story! Rewind the bloody story I say!

The tomcat smiled dreamily and nodded. "Yes, I know Old Deuteronomy, the leader of the Jellicles. I can take you to him if you want."

Serenity gave him a gleaming smile. "Thank you, you are so sweet. What's your name?"


Serenity wrinkled her delightfully pink nose so that her silvery whiskers shivered slightly. "What an odd name. It doesn't suit you at all."

"Well, too bad for you," said Quaxo, sounding a bit miffed. "It's my name, take it or leave it."

Serenity ignored him, or maybe her brain lacked the capacity of understanding that she had been insulted. "I think you should have a longer name, a name that can be shortened into something nice... and cute!"

"I don't like cute, thank you very much. I like my name."

"Mistoffelees!" exclaimed Serenity happily, again ignoring the poor tom. "Or more formally, Mr. Mistoffelees. Misto, for short."

Quaxo raised his eyebrows (or he would have done, had he been human. Now he just looked very surprised.).

"As a matter of fact," he began, but Serenity very rudely interrupted him.

"Oh, this place is just beautiful!" she cried out, admiring the junkyard.

Quaxo looked around to see if it looked any different. It didn't. There was still an old car standing there, reeking of age and gasoline. There were still loads of trash piled up everywhere, and oily garbage cans that never seemed to be emptied still stood next to the dirty house walls. The only thing even remotely beautiful in the junkyard was Mungojerrie's and Rumpleteazer's hidden treasures that glittered in the moonlight from where they lay hidden in the front seat of the car. Oh, and Serenity of course. She was also very beautiful.

"Old Deuteronomy should be here any moment now," said Quaxo, ignoring what he had just thought. "It's the Jellicle Ball tonight, so he has to get ready..."

Quaxo frowned. Why was it the Jellicle Ball again? Surely the Jellicle Ball only happened once a year, but it seemed as if no time at all had passed since the last one. Come to think of it, it always seemed to be the Jellicle Ball nowadays...

His line of thought was interrupted by a voice.

"Hello, beautiful!"

The Rum Tum Tugger jumped down from a nearby trashcan and sauntered up to Serenity, who blushed.

'Can cats blush?' though Quaxo, but he didn't say anything.

There was something extremely strange going on here, he knew that much. Almost like something, or someone, forced him to act in a way that he never would normally. It felt like he had forgotten something. Something very important. He didn't like that feeling at all.

"Well Misto, what have you found here?" asked Rum Tum Tugger and smiled warmly at the white queen. "Such a pretty little thing indeed..."

"Her name is Serenity," said Quaxo absentmindedly. "Serenity Deuteronomy." And then he realized what Tugger had just called him. "Hey, why did you..."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Serenity," purred Tugger and kissed her briefly on her paw. "A real... pleasure indeed." He winked at her, and she blushed again.

"It's nice to meet you too," said Serenity shyly. "Who are you?"

"I am Rum Tum Tugger," said the maned cat. "The Rum Tum Tugger."

Quaxo rolled his eyes. Tugger always did this to every pretty girl that he came across. He flirted until he had gotten what he wanted, and then he moved on. Mostly the queens caught his game quickly, but some of them had been more... affected by his charm than others. Quaxo almost felt sorry for Serenity. Almost.

He was just about to ask his friend for the Jellicle leader when he felt it. It was the presence of someone who had lived for a very long time. A warmth, a welcome, a loving father figure. Quaxo took a deep breath and were just about to announce Old Deuteronomy's arrival when Serenity suddenly squealed:


She was in the old cat's arms before anyone had reacted. Old Deuteronomy looked surprised for a moment, and then his eyes... sort of glazed over.

"Serenity?" he said in his deep voice and looked at her. "Is that really you? My long-lost daughter, whom I thought had been stolen away from me forever?"

Serenity looked at him adoringly. "Yes father, it is I. I came back to you."

"Aww," a voice nearby purred, and Quaxo was not surprised to see Jellylorum wipe a tear from her eye. Beside her Jennyanydots sniffled in her handkerchief. Even Skimbleshanks, the stern railway cat, seemed moved by the touching reunion.

There was only one that didn't seem happy about Serenity's arrival. Well, except Quaxo then of course. Cassandra stood and scowled at the beautiful queen with badly hidden contempt in her silvery eyes. And then there was something else. A shadow, no, two shadows of cats stood in the dark, waiting and holding watchful eyes over Serenity. Quaxo couldn't see them completely, and before he had the time to pull himself together and watch more closely, the shadows had disappeared, and so had his memory of ever seeing them in the first place.

He shrugged and continued watching how the other Jellicles greeted the daughter of Old Deuteronomy. Quaxo soon noticed a pattern in the way they approached her. First they seemed suspicious, even wary, but after Serenity had looked upon them with her innocent, glittering, golden eyes, then they greeted her with every ounce of politeness, respect and awe that a daughter of their beloved leader would deserve. Quaxo found it odd.

Why hadn't Deuteronomy ever told them about his daughter? Come to think of it, why hadn't Munkustrap shown any sign of knowing that he had a sister? Serenity's name had never been mentioned in the Jellicle tribe as far as Quaxo knew. And he had been there forever.

Well, not forever. But it felt like forever sometimes.

"Hang in there, Quaxo," someone whispered in his ear.

He turned around, his heart pounding in his chest. Even cats made noises when they walked. Not noises that humans could hear, obviously, but another cat most definitely should hear it. And he had heard nothing. But still, there it was, a voice behind him. But no cat stood there, only the two shadows that were still hidden in the dark.

"Don't worry, Quaxo," someone whispered softly. "We'll help you, and your friends."

"What's happening to them?" asked Quaxo, squinting into the darkness to try and catch a glimpse of the shadows. He couldn't.

"They are... under a spell. Yeah, that's it. You can feel it too, can't you? The strange pull, the need to say and do things that are not in your nature. It is. All. Her. Fault."

The shadow that had spoken gesticulated towards Serenity, who was talking and laughing with the Rum Tum Tugger. The other shadow hissed menacingly, but said nothing. The first shadow gave the second a Look, and then it returned to the frightened tom.

"Listen to me now, Quaxo," it purred. "Do you want to help us?"

He nodded without saying a word. Of course he wanted to help. If his friends, nay, not his friends, his family, were in trouble he wanted to help them get out of it. He had to.

"Good," said Shadow #1. "Pay attention now. She will come after you, that's why she's here. Deuteronomy, Tugger, Munkustrap, those are just ways of getting to you. You understand?"

Quaxo nodded again. "I understand. But... Why me? And who are you people anyway?"

Shadow #1 chuckled. "Do not bother yourself with that now. Just remember that we are here to help the Jellicles. Serenity" (here the shadow snorted) "is here to make you fall in love with her."

Quaxo sputtered something incoherent. "Me? Love? With her?!"

"I am afraid so."

"But... I thought that Tugger liked her."

"He does. It's just that Serenity's author doesn't fancy him quite as... Oops."

Quaxo frowned again. Had the shadow just told him what he thought it had? "'Serenity's author'?" he repeated.

"You were not supposed to hear that. Sorry about this, Quaxo."

There was a ruffle, as if the shadow looked through something. After a moment it held up a small silver object that sort of looked like a thick pen. There was a red light there that held all the answers...


"Good kitty, Quaxo. Now, this didn't happen. You have never met any shadows, nor have you heard us speak to you. You are still suspicious of Serenity Deuteronomy, and you think that she is hiding something. You feel that it would be wise to stay away from her for now. Now, go and join the other Jellicles and celebrate the Jellicle Ball... again."

Blinking dazedly, Quaxo obeyed.


The shadows were of course no shadows. They were PPC Agents, Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and they had been sent to this story to kill Serenity Deuteronomy. For of course, Serenity was not the daughter of the Jellicle leader. She was a fraud, a faker. She was a Mary-Sue. The Agents were Ekwy, and her younger sister Gecka. They were currently cats.

When you worked in the PPC you couldn't go into fics in your normal form. You had to disguise yourself, so that the Sue wouldn't notice you. The bad part about Cats was that the musical didn't have many shapes that you could wear without getting into trouble. There were no bit characters like in for an example Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. When you went into fics like that, you had to be as incognito as possible. Therefore, Ekwy had chosen black cats as disguises for her and her sister. They wouldn't stick out much if the Sue saw them, and none of the canons would notice them if they didn't make themselves known.

It had been Ekwy who had spoken to Quaxo, since her sister had been too furious about Tugger flirting with Serenity to speak. She had simply hissed and glared at the Sue. If Ekwy hadn't held her back, Gecka most certainly would have ripped Serenity's throat out. And that wouldn't do. Not yet, anyway.

"Why did you hold me back for?" whined Gecka and pouted. "I could have gotten her!"

"We don't have enough charges for her yet," explained Ekwy calmly for the umpteenth time. "I have told you this, sis. We have to be incognito, first we have to..."

"Stalk, charge, kill, I know," Gecka filled in. "Your rules are stupid."

"I swear, if mum hadn't made me take you with me, I'd..."

Ekwy took a deep breath, closed her eyes and slowly counted to ten. And then she exhaled. She had lost track of how many times she had done that during this mission.

Usually she got along very well with her sister. Under normal circumstances, they were best friends, or at least as best friends as one could be with a sibling. But a mission for the PPC was not normal circumstances, and the sisters had been on each other's throats all day.

"Like you were acting so incognito when you talked to Quaxo," said Gecka. "If you didn't have the flashy thing, you'd so be in trouble with the SO. And why do you have a flower for a boss anyway?"

"First of all, it's called a neurolyzer," snorted Ekwy, holding up the silver object. "Secondly, he's my Lust Object! I'd like to see you talk to Tugger without screwing up."

"I don't know what you see in that cat anyway. He looks weird."

"Well, not everything is about raw, animal sexuality. You did notice that my guy tries to fight it, right? You saw what he tried to do in the beginning. The author herself has problems with getting him to do what she wants him to do! Your guy is totally sold on Mary-Sue over there."

"You're a poo-head."


They watched Serenity in silence for a while. She seemed to have made best friends with the kittens of the tribe, and they sat on the hood of the car, giggling and gossiping. Ekwy snorted.

"So when can we kill her?" Gecka demanded to know.

Ekwy squinted at the words. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't make Gecka read them on her own.

"Soon," she promised. "Soon. Just wait, sis. Just wait."


Serenity was having the best day in her life. She had been greeted like a princess by the tribe, and they all seemed to love her. Her father Deuteronomy had shown her around the junkyard, which in her eyes seemed like a fairyland. Her brother Munkustrap had told her that since she was the oldest sibling she was supposed to take over the leadership of the tribe after Deuteronomy had gone to the Heaviside Layer, and she had humbly accepted this responsibility. The Rum Tum Tugger never left her side, and he continuously told her how beautiful he thought she was. And she was very beautiful.


"Brace yourself, Gecka," Ekwy whispered. "Here it comes. The never-ending Sue description."


Her coat was a snowy white, with black ears, chest and socks on all four legs. Her tail was perfectly even and silky smooth where it ringled around her body, and golden rings gleamed in her ears. The earrings were a present from Macavity, he had given her them as a wedding-gift. But of course no one could know that. Anyway, Serenity's whiskers where a beautiful silver, her eyes a captivating gold, and the magic flowing through her veins made her glow with an ethereal light. She moved with the grace of all cats combined, and she was even more silent and swift in her movements than Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.

By looking into her enchanting eyes you could see how she had suffered through her life, not knowing her true heritage or her family. The pain would never go away, she knew that, but at least it seemed like her new life would be much better now. She had friends now, and a family that loved her very much. She would do her absolute best to guard them from the evil Macavity, and the Pollicles. She would get to know them, love them, and she would herself chose the one cat to go to the Heaviside Layer that night...

"That's it!"

A cat stepped out of the shadows. It was a queen, and her yellow eyes gleamed with hatred. She looked sort of... odd. Not beautifully odd, like Serenity, but a dangerous oddness. Her fur was completely black, but with some sort of mark on her left front leg. A white... cactus? Serenity sniffed.

"What?" she asked sweetly. "Who are you?"

The queen ignored her and took up a piece of paper. "Serenity Deuteronomy, you are charged with the following crimes against canon: pushing Macavity and the Jellicle cats out of character, namely Old Deuteronomy, Cassandra, Munkustrap and the Rum Tum Tugger; being the un-canonical offspring and sibling of canon characters; turning the Rum Tum Tugger into a drooling idiot; being a better dancer than Victoria, a better singer than Jemima, a better magician than Mistoffelees, and a better leader than Munkustrap; for thinking that you know enough about the Jellicles to make the Jellicle Choice; for not knowing Mistoffelees' real name; for daring to call Mistoffelees 'Misto'; for..."

"Daring to make the Rum Tum Tugger falling for you; even thinking that he'd ever even look twice at you; and making him a bloody twit..."

Another queen had joined the first. This one seemed even more furious, and her claws kept clenching and unclenching, as if she was itching to tear Serenity into small shreds.

"Gecka, sweetie, I love you and all, but we have to charge her for everything done wrong to everyone, not just your Lust Object," said the first, but she didn't sound too mad. "Now. For being able to defeat Macavity once and for all; for having a tragic past and angsting about it; for being extremely annoying, pissing off PPC agents and for being a Mary Sue of the first degree, you are sentenced with death. Any last words? No? Good. Gecka, go fetch."

The second queen hissed and attacked Serenity, who seemed petrified with fear. In the matter of seconds the shimmering white fur was drenched with glittery blood, the typical sign of a Mary Sue, and the mangled corpse of Serenity Deuteronomy lay motionless on the filthy ground.

Gecka sprung back to her sister's side, looking extremely pleased with herself. Ekwy smiled at her proudly.

"Very good, kitty-cat," she beamed. "And now for the other cats."

She turned around to face the Jellicles, who looked extremely confused. Canon had snapped back into place, and they didn't look so weak and useless anymore. Munkustrap had gotten back his natural leadership. Jennyanydots and Jellylorum were talking about knitting. The Rum Tum Tugger had gone over to chat with his fangirls, who seemed to have forgotten all about their dearly departed best friend.

"Things seem to have gotten back to normal here," said Ekwy, looking around with relief. "I suppose we can just..."

"Hold it right there."


The sisters slowly looked back. They had expected Quaxo standing there and demanding answers. This was wrong. The tom who stood there was as far from the shy, slightly small cat as you could get. It was not Quaxo. It was Mistoffelees.

Real magic danced around his paws, making the air hum. His coat glittered as if stars had fallen down and attached themselves to his fur. He was extremely powerful. He was the only magical cat in the fandom. And he was majorly pissed off.

"I don't like it when people won't answer my questions," he said softly, making the air crackle with blue energy. "So you're just going to stay here and explain it all to me."

Ekwy had gotten a slightly dazed expression on her face. Gecka rolled her eyes. Her sister could be such an idiot sometimes.

"Er..." she said. "I'm sorry, but we really can't tell you. We have rules, you see..."

"The Flowers That Be," mumbled Ekwy dreamily.

"Right, our bosses," Gecka made a face "doesn't like it when we tell canon chara-- I mean, the ones we help, about what we do. At least not so that they remember it afterwards," she added to herself.

Mistoffelees raised an eyebrow. A ball of blue lightning hit the ground about an inch from where the sisters stood.

That made Ekwy wake up from her coma-like state. She grabbed her sister by the paw, and in one quick motion she got the neurolyzer up.

"Gecka, close your eyes!" she cried out one half a second before she clicked the flashy thing.

Mistoffelees had stopped with the lightning. That was good. But now she had to work fast.

"You have slept and dreamed all this," she rambled as she fumbled with the Portal Generator. "It was a weird dream, but you don't want to remember it. You're going to go to sleep now and never talk to anybody about this. And that goes for you too!" she called out to the rest of the Jellicles.

A second later the Agents had gotten a portal up and jumped through it back to their house. Ekwy wouldn't bring Gecka to another mission any time soon. At least not to Cats. At least not any fic that featured the Rum Tum Tugger. Gecka was a little too good about getting rid of Mary Sues.


A/N: Feel free to flame, leave concrit, or just praise me mindlessly. Anything is fine with me! )