Tess of the D'urbervilles; The Alternate World
-Tess is a street smart hooker, and Angel is some French-German romantic poet guy.
-Recycled "joke" from Adam's family.
* The English here is supposed to be written as it is pronounced, so the words are purposely misspelled.
The scene opens when Angel and Tess have just gotten married and it is time for them to confess to each other their past.
Angel: Now that we ahr married mah dahling, I belief it is time for me to zell you about my pahst.
Tess: Sell me?? ( She then snaps her fingers in recognition )Oh, TELL me! You know, honey , we should really, like, do something about that accent of yours. It's gonna drive me mad one of these days.
Angel: ( mumbles " look who's talking ", but hearing Tess murmur a " hmmm?" he continues. ) Uh.. yez. ( clears throat )Vell. Ve cannot all be perfect, oui. Anyvayz, as I vas sayink... I haf some zing to zell you. ( Tess gets out a nail file from her pocket and starts to file her nails and chew her gum, looking all the while disinterested. ) It happened vhen I vas younger, not sayink that I am still not young, mind you, but at that time I vas.... Uhh.. how you say.. inexperienced in the vays of the vorld.
( Angel glances at Tess to see if any of his words are getting through her. Apparently they aren't for she is still filing her nails and looking disinterested ).
Tess: Ya, ya. Go on... ( She waves her nail file at him gesturing him to continue. )
Angel: Ahem. ( Looks a bit embarrassed. ) I met zis wuman there. An older wuman. Ah... she was breathtakingly beautiful, not sayink that you aren't, of course, but her eyes.. ahhhh ( he makes a sound of a lovesick puppy )zey were like glitterink emerahlds...And her kissez.. they vhere like sippink sveet red vine... and her bosom.. ( his eyes go wide as he pantomimes his former lover's chest. ) ah.. but ve shall not go into details on ZAT one, my dear, dahlink Mahrie.
Tess: ( looks up to her husband with an icy stare on her face and one eyebrow arched up. ) My name is, like, Tess.
Angel: Er... yez... Tezz. ( does a gesture of forgetfulness ). How could I forget.. Yez. It vas on ze tip of my thongue ( sticks tongue out to show emphasis. ). My ahksent, you ze.
Tess: ya, like, whatever ( rolls her eyes )
Angel: But I assure you, mah dahlink ( kneels in front of her and takes her hand in his ) that zat is all over now. You are ze only wuman for me, Susa.. ( catches himself in the nick of time )Tess. ( does a cheesy grin ).
Tess: ( looks at him, than looks are her hand. A snobby, bored look is on her face. )
Angel: ( Kisses her hand ) Than.. am I forgiven, cara MIA?
Tess: My name is TESS.( she says these words grating her teeth )
Angel: Oui, Mon cherie.. ( kisses hand again )
Angel: ( kisses hand again. ) Mi amor?
Tess: ( shouts while stamping her foot ) SPEAK ENGLISH!
Angel: ( drops Tess's hand like hot potato and says in a high pitched geeky voice) lambie-pie?
Tess: ( gets up from couch and walks to one side of the room turning her back on him. Angel, meanwhile, still on his knees, crawls to follow her.) You aren't the only one who has something to say. ( she puts her hands on her hips ) When I was (something bumps her from behind and she suddenly turns around, surprised to see her husband on the floor kneeling in front of her with a pitiful look on his face. ) Oh, for God's sake, will you, like, sid' down?!?!
Angel: ( zips to the couch and obediently sits down, the pitiful look never leaving him )
Tess: It was like this. You know my name is Durbeyfield, right? ( Angel nods his head ). Well, some idiot got my name mixed up and started telling my family that we were of the D'urbervilles. Can you believe ( she laughs a little and glances at Angel who is patiently twiddling his thumbs and looking at her with puppy dog eyes )?Well, anyway, to make a long story, like, short, I went to work for the D'urbervilles, and there I met the son of Mrs. D'urberville, Alec. Or, for short, Mr. A$*h***.
Angel: ( eyes go wide ) You mean to say zat there iz anozer man?? ( stands up and starts pacing around the room )Zere IZ anozer man! ( starts wagging a finger in front of her ) Tell me hiz name zo zat I can kill him!
( pantomimes a slitting throat by cutting his neck with his finger )
Tess: I just did! Now sit down! SIT! ( she angrily points to the couch and Angel obeys quickly seeing Tess's furious face ) Good. Good boy. ( she gives him a pat on the head ) Now. Where vas.. WAS I? Oh ya. Like I was saying. I met the son, he raped me, an' I had a kid who died after a few weeks of being born.
Angel: ( looks at her with an astonishment and his lower lip starts quivering ). YOU DON'T LOVE ME! ( He sobs as he puts his face to his hands )
Tess: ( tries to comfort him, while rolling her eyes and is looking embarrassed, but her hands get slapped away by a crying Angel ) Look. What's past is over, right? So quit crying awready!
Angel: ( stops his sniffling and peeps at her through the holes he makes from his fingers )
Tess: Oh, get a LIFE! Look. To make it up to you, I'll bake you a cake. Your favorite. CHEESEcake.
Angel: With... blueberries?
Tess: Ya, ya.
Angel: ( gets his hand out of his face ) And.. and.. lots of cheese?
Tess: ( nods head )
Angel: ( eyes go wide and puppyish ) Vith a huge cherry on top and lots and lots of sugar?
Tess: YEZ! Vhater you vant! ( she imitates his accent lousily )
Angel: ( Claps his hand and jumps up from couch and skips out of the room. You can hear his fading voice going " I get to lick ze frostink! I get to lick ze frostink! )
Tess: ( an eyebrow arches up as she looks in his direction). Hmmm.. weird man... ( looks around the house ) and nice place he got me ( looks at her wedding ring ), WOAH! And nice hunk of rock! ( she sighs and takes out a knife hidden in her skirt ) Too bad he's gonna have to, like, go. ( looks at audience and smiles maliciously. ) Ohhhh Annnngeeelll. ( In the background we hear " Zay. Vhat are you doink vid zat knife? Oh. For ze cake... In the background you hear a loud thud and a scraping noise against the door ).