Sailor Moon Tryouts
Ranma ½ Edition
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They had done it...finally.
Despite all the setbacks, the questions, the wondering if Mamoru was really Usa's Father since the girl looked nothing like him, wondering if he was capable of shooting only a few bullets since in 1000 years, the Neo-princess was still an only child...
Mamoru Chiba and Usagi Tsukino had finally wed.
But, evil takes a holiday for no dumpling headed girl.
"WAH! THE AUTHOR'S SO MEAN!"
Quiet you, before I kill you off!
"I'll be good."
As such, a temporary Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen were needed.
Thus, Sailor Pluto looked into the Gates of Time, and after beating them with a tire iron for several hours, she learned that contestants across the multiverse would be tested.
As such, one of these tests would involve the Ranma Universe.
The main problem was which universe to get the contestants from. Across the spectrum the characters had played many roles in the universes where both the NWC and the Senshi coexisted.
Ranma alone had been placed in every possible combination with the Senshi. He was a brother, a husband, a son, a love interest, and even the Senshi themselves.
And while Setsuna had deeply enjoyed the recordings of one such universe where Ranma was Haruka's greatest love, it sort of upset her sense of reality when the closest three other universes had Ranma as her Father, her son, and her husband in that order.
So much for genetics and constants.
And thus, the contestants were found, offered a chance with a promise of a wish granted at the end, and thus, we had several pairs sign up, many without their partners consent.
So, the remaining Senshi look over the tests of the replacement Senshi.
Test Case #1: Ranma and Akane:
"Take this, you perverts!" screamed Sailor Moon, as she vented her wrath of love and justice on her victims.
And thus, not only were several youmas destroyed, but so were the cameras of several fanboys.
Kamen just sat on a rooftop, enjoying the peace and quiet, while Sailor Moon took out her rage on deserving and worthless targets.
After all, Japan would always produce more perverted fanboys.
While the test was ongoing, the other fiancées and suitors were locked up so as to not interfere. So, he was enjoying peace and quiet...
Well, that was until Sailor Moon noticed he wasn't paying any attention to her.
And thus, the news not only had footage that night of Sailor Moon protecting the world with Love and Justice, but a fight that would have made Jerry Springer proud between her and her proclaimed love, Tuxedo Kamen, who was calling her a flat-chested tomboy who'd never land a hit on him because her thick thighs kept getting in the way.
The fact that one watcher noted that Sailor Moon's thighs did seem a lot thicker earned him a sailor suited shoe up his ass.
Test Case #2: Ranma and Kasumi:
The youma sighed for the fifth time that night.
She had tried...she really did...to kill Sailor Moon. But for some reason, hitting the girl seemed...wrong.
However, the creature of evil did have to admit that these cookies were just Heaven, and the tea was flavored with just the right amount of lime.
"Now," said Sailor Moon, as she sat demurely on the blanket in the park, ensuring her now longer and proper skirt wasn't made dirty, "isn't this much nicer than trying to kill each other. Oh my, this is such a lovely day for a picnic."
Tuxedo Kamen had to agree, being careful about which treats he tried to eat, as the youma were almost at his level when it came to swiping food.
Besides, it seemed...wrong...to mess up the picnic after Sailor Moon worked so hard to make enough for everyone.
Test Case #3: Akane and Tatewaki:
The youma simply sat back and enjoyed watching Sailor Moon once again try to rip Tuxedo Kamen apart.
"But, my fair princess and fierce tigress, surely thou knows our destiny is to be together, as proclaimed by the very heavens that we—"
"SHUT UP AND DIE!"
The youma merely nodded, enjoying the sight of someone else being severely beaten to death.
Now, if they could just figure out how the bloody bastard kept standing back up, they'd have a new weapon against the forces of Love and Justice.
One actually was close to understanding it, but Kamen fell before them, just in time to avoid an energy attack, that sadly, the youma failed to avoid.
Well, it all worked out in the end.
Test Case #4: Ukyo and Konatsu:
"Oh, this is so much fun, Kamen-kun!" squealed Sailor Moon as 'she' used a kunoichi attack to vanquish a youma.
Tuxedo Kamen sighed as 'he' adjusted 'his' outfit once again, since it was causing the bindings on 'his' breasts to star to itch. "Whatever, sugar, let's just kill these things."
Test Case #5: Ryoga and Akari:
As Sailor Moon sent her Lunar Sumo Pig to once again flatten and consume several of the youma, she pouted a bit. "Where is my Kamen-chan at now?"
"Now where the hell am I?" yelled Tuxedo Kamen. Before he could blame Ranma, he looked up to the sky, seeing...Earth!
He turned, seeing a large crowd of busty women staring at him with salivating mouths and perverted eyes.
Welcome to the moon of Siren, Tuxedo Ryoga.
Test Case #6: Ranma and Shampoo:
"Aiyah! Sailor Moon hurt too too stupid youma for interrupting Sailor Moon's happy time with Airen!"
While Tuxedo Kamen fought, enjoying the fact he could attack the youma with his lethal moves and not worry about killing someone important, he tried not to face fault as Sailor Moon proved Mercury was wrong, as her speech habits were not corrected by the Senshi magic.
Soon, the youma were gone, and Sailor Moon was once again pasted to the side of Tuxedo Kamen, much to the annoyance of several straight Senshi.
Then again, when the tested leader kindly informed you that "you try and take Airen, you I kill", it does keep you in line and not trying to take the hunk for yourself.
Test Case #7: Ranma and Tatewaki:
As the portal closed, Sailor Moon shook the hands of the leader of the band of youma.
After groping her, Tuxedo Kamen soon found himself face-first in the sidewalk, and his power source stripped.
While Sailor Moon kept pounding him, the youma gathered the energy being donated by dozens of girls, and opened a portal to a hell dimension filled with gay incubus demons and other assorted demons of that sexual persuasion.
And thus, with a mighty heave, Tatewaki Kuno would no longer bother the forces of good or evil.
Isn't it great when two sides can work together towards a common goal?
Test Case #8: Shampoo and Mousse:
The Senshi watched in confusion as Sailor Moon proceeded to use a tuxedo-clad duck to beat the youma into dust.
Some did wonder where the loud test candidate had been, but assumed he had gotten lost.
Though, even Mercury was wondering why he refused to where the mask, even though it seemed overtly large and protruding from his face like glasses.
"Too too stupid duck-boy learn not to get between Airen and Sailor Moon by signing up for crazy contest!" As the youma finally were vanquished, she smiled, dropping the battered duck in a trashcan. "Hah, Sailor Moon finally find use for too too stupid Mousse."
"Great," muttered Venus, "the one guy she doesn't want and it isn't the hottie."
Test Case #9: Ukyo and Ranma:
"Much better," said Sailor Moon as she used her Moon Battle Spatula to work the youma over some more.
Tuxedo Kamen sat at the side, looking at his empty plate, as Sailor Moon mashed the youma together onto a flower shell, before using a griddle the size of a fighting ring to cook it.
"Now, now, Kamen-chan, the food will be done in a minute."
Thus, the Senshi watched as not only Sailor Moon turned the youma into a dinner, but Tuxedo Kamen ate it, with a little help from Chibi-Moon, who also pounced upon the meal like a ravaging jackal.
But to Kamen's benefit, he didn't let her starve.
See, sharing is fun.
Test Case #10: Nabiki and Ranma:
"Please hurry up, Kamen-baby," said Sailor Moon, as Tuxedo Mask ran around to quickly finish off the youma, since Sailor Moon informed him that every minute they were late for the dinner theater she had signed them up to attend for a fund raising event, she would make him...pay.
"You know," said Kamen, "you could help a little. It's not like you ain't got any powers."
"Please, and deprive you of your knight-in-shining-armor complex? Please, give me some credit."
Pluto shook her head, having to be the responsible one, since the other Senshi were currently lost in the photos they had bought from Sailor Moon.
"Auh, Sempai is much better than I remember."
"Now that is a girl who has the...abilities...to be Sailor Moon."
For once, Pluto was glad for the Gates of Time. Why pay for photos when she had illegal cable to watch the live drama?
Test Case #11: Kodachi and Ranma:
The Senshi looked on as Sailor Moon used her whip to quickly kill the youma.
To be fair, the youma were pretty much easy targets considering that they were paralyzed by her first attack.
Then again, so was Tuxedo Kamen, whom she had first posed in what she considered a daring and romantic appearance, before exchanging the red rose on his suit for the black rose she grew especially for him.
The Senshi would have stopped her from trying to take liberties with him on the street, but soon found out that the gifts she gave them also had a similar effect.
But on the bright side, Sailor Venus and Jupiter now had a new strategy for getting the boys they wanted.
Woe to those boys.
Mars threw the folders onto the table. "There isn't a single one of them cut out to be Sailor Moon! We'd have better luck cloning Dumpling Head!"
Uranus was looking at her photos of Ranma-chan. "Well...she did a good job as Sailor Moon. Her...qualifications are all in order."
Jupiter nodded. "Yes, he has all the qualifications to join us."
Venus nodded, looking at the same photo of Ranma-kun that Jupiter was holding. "Yes, we must send the others back and keep him." She shook herself out of daydreams involving a pigtailed boy and fudge with sprinkles. "Of course, this is solely in the interests of Love and Justice."
"We can't keep him, Minako," said Sailor Pluto.
"WAH! PLUTO'S SO MEAN!" came the response from Sailors Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus.
Let's face it, Nabiki does tasteful work, even of nude shots.
"Pluto, we can't leave things as they are," said Neptune, promising to get rid of those photos before Uranus lost her mind to daydreaming. "Surely they deserve something to make things better."
"Oh, I already took care of that." The others didn't miss the evil smirk, wondering if perhaps Ranma shouldn't have called the Guardian of Time an uncute tomboy for allowing Kuno into the tests.
Ranma was currently wondering if seppuku was still an option.
Currently, he and the members of the tests were now adjusting to their new roles in their universe.
Nabiki Tendo was now Sailor Mercury.
Ukyo Kuonji was now Sailor Venus.
He himself was now Tuxedo Kamen, and Nabiki was promising people to get some "tasteful" photos of Sailor Earth.
Akane Tendo was Sailor Mars.
Shampoo was now Sailor Jupiter.
Kasumi Tendo was now Sailor Uranus.
Kodachi Kuno was now Sailor Neptune.
And for some odd reason, Cologne was now Sailor Pluto, which returned her to her youthful form, much to Shampoo's ire, as now Cologne could give Ranma the Kiss of Marriage.
Then, we have who Pluto chose as Sailor Moon...
"WAH! As your Neo-Queen, I declare that you all shall marry my manly son and give me lots of grandbabies!"
Yes, that's right. Nodoka Saotome was now Sailor Moon.
"Wait," said Akane, "where's Ryoga?"
Ryoga and Akari sat in the short blue car with fire stripes painted on the side, listening to the man tell of why he was driving to get his girlfriend back, when a cop pulled them over, asking if they had seen some boy.
"Ryo-chan, why is Mr. Wayne screaming like that?"
Ryoga shrugged. "Don't know. Maybe the kid looked like this Garth person he's also talking about."
Ranma knew wherever Ryoga ended up, he was blaming Ranma for it right now. "Hey, aren't we missing one Senshi?"
"Yes," said Cologne, preparing to deliver a Level 10 Amazon Glomp to her Airen. "Who's Saturn?"
"YEAH! Nuku-Nuku get new stick to help hunt mousies!"
The group paled as they turned, seeing the android cat-girl using the Silence Glaive to bisect a car, in order to catch...
"WAH! Let an old man have his fun, I ain't a mouse!"
Well, maybe they wouldn't stop her quite yet.