TITLE: HAKKAI TEACHES: DRIVING by: nekozuki1776

RATING: PG-13 (strong language)

SUMMARY: Does Hakkai dare? The title says it all. Rated for strong language.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Saiyuki manga, anime, or any of its characters. Minekura Kazuya is the owner of all great things Saiyuki.

A third installment in the Hakkai: Teaches series.


Hakkai Teaches: Driving

"Kyuuuuu!" The sound of a panicked creature resonated along with the voice of a half-youkai.

"Saru, he said for you to slow down, damn it!"

The haphazardly navigated dragon in the form of a jeep sped recklessly throughout the parking lot courtesy of the eager, young brunette.

Ba-thump

"Wheeeeee!"

"Just slow the fuck down, baka-zaru!"

Not sharing the driver's enthused assessment of the moment, the three passengers clung on to whatever piece of interior that was bolted down, their whitened knuckles proof of their tensed state.

Despite his wracked nerves, a deceptively calm voice of the instructor was the last of the three to offer his opinion, "Goku, as I instructed previously, I really need you to proceed with more caution when driving over the speed bumps."

Choosing to remain oblivious to the helpful advice, off Goku went, brandishing the steering wheel like a frisbee, twisting it a sharp ninety degrees to the right at one moment, left the next, fishtailing the kyuu-ing jiipuu like there was no tomorrow.

For the first time in eons, a soft but a distinct curse escaped the lips of the green eyed instructor; wondering how in the hell had this situation gone awry when everything seemed under control the previous evening.

-FLASHBACK-

"We won't be traveling tomorrow."

Three distinct faces of the ikkou in midst of dinner looked up in surprise by their leader's unexpected announcement.

"We've been traveling at a decent pace and been working really hard. I figured we've all earned a day rest."

Ignoring Goku and Gojyo's opened mouthed expressions of shock, Sanzo continued, "So tomorrow will be a fun, stress free day…"

In a state of cloud nine, Hakkai tuned out the rest of the houshi's ramblings. He mentally began planning for his day of rest; admitting that even a temperamental, grumpy monk like Sanzo had his generous days.

"…because Hakkai is going to teach us how to drive."

Today was not that day.

"What the hell are you talking about, monk?"

"Wah? Sanzo, I don't wanna learn how to drive!"

"S…Sanzo, what brought this on all of a sudden?"

"I had one of my meetings with the Sanbutsushin today. They're going through one of their damned cost efficiency phases and through their audits, they noticed that you were the only licensed driver in the group."

"But what does that have to do with-"

Sanzo impatiently raised his hand to cease the debate, brooking no further interruptions. "They were auditing the travel journal and said having you drive non-stop for hours on end was putting them in violation with some stupid employment law. So to avoid any potential legal hassles and fines, each of us will be required to obtain our driver's license by the end of this week."

Hakkai nearly shrieked, "The end of the week? That's not even close enough time to prepare-"

"That's where you come in Hakkai. You're going to prep us for the exam."

"But Sanzo, I'm not a licensed instructor in the curriculum of Driver's Education."

The monk responded glibly and concisely to the youkai's futile argument, "Who the hell cares? You're a teacher and you know how to drive."

"But Sanzo-"

A piercing glare interrupted Hakkai once again from finishing his sentence. He knew he was arguing a losing battle.

Once Hakkai resigned himself to his inescapable task, he went straight to work on the teaching schedule of the compartmentalized course he would be providing.

As many things in life, the following day commenced in frustrated disorder as Hakkai attempted to give a lecture on the art of vehicular management.

Driving is a privilege, not a right.
"A privilege? Give me a break, Hakkai. It's my god given right to drive.
"Hey Hakkai, can we drive to the store to pick up some meatbuns?"

The best way to avoid an accident is to drive defensively.
"Ch'. The best form of defense is an attack."
"Hey Hakkai, can we drive to the restaurant to pick up some stir fried noodles?"

- END FLASHBACK-

And now, he was on the receiving end of the chaotic driving method that was Goku's, steadying himself again for another speed bump.

"Wheeeeee!"

Ba-thump

A fun, stress free day indeed.

-o-o-o-

It took Hakkai another fifteen minutes before he was able to convince Goku to relinquish the driver's seat and allow the next driver in training: Sanzo.

Hakkai had guessed that despite his abhorrence to the driving experience, Sanzo would never disobey a mandate from the Three Aspects and therefore, be an unexpectedly diligent pupil.

The concentration and determination exuding from the monk steadying himself for his inaugural place behind the wheel made Hakkai sigh in relief knowing there would be at least one person passing the exam.

After all, he wasn't a high ranking houshi for nothing. If he willed it, Sanzo could reach a state of enlightenment at any given day.

This was not one of those days.

"Watch it monk! You keep slamming on the brakes when you should be stepping on the gas pedal!"

"Shut the fuck up kappa! I'm trying to concentrate!"

Goku cheered him on, "Hey just relax Sanzo, once you get used to it, you'll love it. It's like riding a bicycle."

Sanzo twitched.

"Wait a minute, don't tell me you actually don't know how to ride a bicycle?"

A slight Ch' from the flustered monk was all the ammunition they needed to continue their unmelodious chant, "Yah, Yah Sanzo can't ride a bicycle, Sanzo can't ride a bicycle!"

Whack! Whack!

A few minutes passed when Hakkai was at last able to coax Sanzo back into the driver's seat as he gently encouraged him to continue, "Perhaps you should try to relax a bit. Breathe in and out at an even pace, and maybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

It was a strange moment when the only viable explanation for the monk's following actions was a result of the wickedly divine intervention from the Merciful Goddess who jumpstarted Sanzo's inner speed demon or more accurately, enlightened him to the power of the gas pedal.

An inner speed demon that refused to be exorcised.

"Hell yeah!" Sanzo yelled out in excitement.

Thank goodness Hakkai had relegated Sanzo to the deserted back streets where hopefully, no casualties would be taking place today.

He zipped throughout the area, making sharp turns at intersections. He was having a time of his life until he spotted a cat trotting across the road.

Sanzo instinctively slammed on the brakes, causing the other three to whiplash forward and back to their seats, allowing the oblivious feline to amble freely on its way.

Jolted back to reality by the acrid smell of burnt rubber, Hakkai managed to squeak out, "Sanzo, maybe it would be best for Gojyo to have his turn…"

Still high on his adrenalin kick, Sanzo simply smirked, "Ch' too bad it wasn't Gyuumaoh."

-o-o-o-

If Goku was a thrill seeking, acrobatic driver and Sanzo was a speed demon, then Gojyo was a hybrid of both demented driving personalities.

He was indeed a true driver from hell.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai choked out, "Watch out!"

"Don't sweat it Hakkai. I'm following the rules."

"But you just ran a red light!"

His deviant eyes glinted brightly as the red light he sped past, zigzagging the jeep aimlessly throughout the city, "Green means go fast; yellow means go really fast, and red means go really, really fast, right?"

Gojyo, who although was easier to instruct than the previous two due to his familiarity with the vehicle, was a different challenge altogether. The term defensive driving was nowhere in his vocabulary let alone his practice.

This and his other screwed-up interpretations of the etiquettes of driving made for one twisted experience.

Three shocked expressions stared at the red head wondering how the jiipu hadn't come into an accident as of yet. Steadying for a disaster, they held on to their seats tighter than ever as they prayed for this driving experience to quickly come to pass.

Thirty gut wrenching minutes later, the jiipu thankfully came to a sputtering halt as the needle on the fuel indicator blessedly pointed to "EMPTY."

But not before managing to maneuver the car head first into a ditch.

Gojyo grinned sheepishly, voicing in a monosyllabic commentary, "Oops"

-o-o-o-

Four familiar figures stood stoically before the Sanbutsushin; their right hands raised in their ending recitation,

"… and henceforth, we will treat Hakuryuu with the proper respect he deserves."

And voiced out minus Hakkai of their final pledge, "And vow to never drive the jiipu again except in situations of dire emergency. And we will do so only upon the receipt of verbal consent from Hakuryuu."

After many hours of discussion, it was decided the said three to be banned from driving. They decided the potential fines and legal hassles naming Hakkai as the official as well as the sole operator of the vehicle would be substantially less then any amount of damage the other three could cause sitting behind the wheel.

"I apologize Hakuryuu. Should I ever be in an unlikely situation of having to provide Driver's Ed once again, I promise to never volunteer you as the practice vehicle, ne?" The new Director of Transportation patted him gently on the head.

Hakuryuu nudged his head towards the apologetic youkai and softly growled in a purring manner. He could never stay mad at his favorite owner. He clicked his tongue and voiced in an approving tone, "Kyu!"

Joining in on the apology, Goku was the first of the remaining three to express lament.

"Gomen ne, Hakuryuu! I promise to never get behind the wheel again!"

Goku's statement of promise was music to his ears, "Kyuu!"

"Ch'. Should've only been Hakkai doing the driving in the first place."

Knowing this peace offering was the closest the monk would ever come to an apology, Hakuryuu nodded agreeably, "Kyuuu!"

Still peeved at being singled out as the biggest offender of them all, Gojyo grumbled words intended only for his own ears. "Shit. The dragon ratted me out. He better watch his back..."

Unfortunately, his comment was picked up by the auditory enhanced ears of the said dragon.

A deafening roar was heard as flames spewed forth from Hakuryuu's mouth, "KYUUUUUU!"

Moments later, three members of the ikkou and a contented dragon exited the sacred realm of the Sanbutsushin.

Followed by a staggering water sprite burnt to an attractive crisp.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

A/N – This story should be considered as a humorous, what-if anecdote on the Sanzo-ikkou's hopeless driving habits (except Hakkai). In reality, one should always follow the rules of the road and drive responsibly.

/Steps down from the soapbox/ On a less serious note: Ah yes, the fun concepts of Human Resource Management. If the Sanbutsushin had truly implemented the proper employee code of rights for the Sanzo-ikkou, the floating heads would be knee deep (assuming they have knees) in employment work hazard claims. Come to think of it, the westward bound journey might even be categorized as a tax deductible business trip of good will. Now that's what I call fiscal responsibility. ; )

Will stop rambling now since my train of thought is heading towards the geekily eccentric.

Thank you for reading.

(1/10/05) Special thanks to all those that reviewed Hakkai Teaches: Cooking – Faine, Omi, The Narrator, Chobit 00, Lady Maya, and Saturn Imp.

Rie: An extra dose of arigato for your support in the series from the very beginning. I do plan on continuing the series.