Author: Mistress Nika
Pairings: 1/2/1 4/3
Warnings: shounen-ai, Relena-bashing
Archive: The Kiwi Stand Down Under (any others, ask and ye shall recieve, but please ask first)
Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing, I would have long ago used all the money I had earned to hire a mad scientist to create an army of the creatures featured in this fic which I would use to conquer the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Summary: Relena has an encounter with Trowa's new circus act.
Author's Notes: Alright, apparantly this fic was deleted. It violates NONE of 's rules, therefore I can only guess someone reported it because they don't like my Relina-bashing. Look, people. Not everyone is going to agree with you. That doesn't mean you have to be an ass about it. I don't go around flaming/reporting pro-Relina fics, do I? No. I can only ask you show me the same curtesy. If you don't like it, ignore it and don't read it. You leave me alone, I leave you alone. Got it?
Humming a merry tune, Relena exited her pink limo and made her way up the walk to the normal looking, rather quaint in her opinion, house the object of her obsession was currently residing in. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why he was staying in a safe house when there was no longer any reason. The war was over, peace reigned and everything was HAPPY! Resisting the urge to break into song, she raised her fist and knocked lightly on the door.
'Oh, Heero will be so happy to see me!' she thought joyfully. 'I can't believe he forgot to tell me he was moving! He even forgot to give me his number and address! Honestly, that boy can be so forgetful sometimes! But now, after two months apart, I've finally found him and now we'll be together forever and we'll get married and have lots of kids and--'
Her thoughts were cut off as a rumbling shook the house. The door shook loose and swung open just in time for her to hear a voice shout, "Look out, Fei! They're coming your way!"
A few minutes later, the rumbling subsided and Relena peeked cautiously around the door. With the five boys, there was no telling what a rumbling house could mean. For all she knew, they could be having gundam battles in the backyard.
"Darling?" she called hesitantly. "Are you in there?"
"Kiwi!" a tiny voice chirped from around her ankles.
Looking down her eyes fell on the cutest thing, since Heero, she had ever seen. A small pink bird with adorable blue eyes! A PINK bird!
"How cute!" she cried and bent to scoop it up.
The bird fluffed up happily and again chirped, "Kiwi!" nestling itself in her arms.
"I didn't know my darling Heero had a pet." she said absently with a goofy smile on her face.
Apparantly forgetting about the fact that something just caused the entire house to shake, and the fact that no one had invited her in, she pushed the door open wide and marched into the house. Her first thoughts upon entering were that Heero needed serious help and that she MUST give him the number of her interior decorator. The second was where her beloved could be hiding himself.
This was answered as she heard Duo's voice from the kitchen say, "Hee-chan, I don't think a stun gun is appropriate."
'Oh!' she thought happily. 'I found him!' Her thoughts darkened though when the endearment the other boy placed on her beloved's name registered. 'No one is allowed to call him that except me!' she raged silently. 'That Maxwell. Always strutting around like he owns the world. Always touching my darling so casually! When Heero and I are married, he'll be the first thing to go! Along with those other friends of his and that gundam he's been keeping hidden.'
"Why not?" Heero's voice questioned in response to Duo. "Those things are a menace."
'Oh! He heard me!' Relena smiled. 'Our bond is so strong that we can even read each other's thoughts! And he agrees! I always knew he was smart!'
Thus she began making her way toward the kitchen, blissfully unaware of everything around her including a certain pink bird in her arms.
Said pink bird was no longer as happy as it was before. Because said pink bird was telepathic! Yes, the adorable little birdie cuddled to the psycho chick's chest was in actuality a Telepathic Talking Mutant Kiwi Bird! It had heard her every thought and it was none too pleased. You see, Telepathic Talking Mutant Kiwi Birds are extremely loyal and this one had adopted Heero as it's surogate father. Not only that, it had adopted Duo as it's surogate mother and it's nest just happened to be in the cockpit of Wing! So upon hearing Relena's thoughts, it's eyes turned red and it began formulate plots to cause her immediate demise. Yes, there was something very wrong about this bird. Because when it was just an egg it had rolled into a pile of nuclear waste. But the nuclear waste had combined with run-off from the Coke plant. But it wasn't the new Coke. It was the Coke from back when the main ingrediant in Coke actually WAS coke! So the chick emerged a drug addict and it's drug addiction slowly drove it insane and made it the adult bird it was today. A Crazy Rabid Telepathic Talking Mutant Kiwi Bird! And everyone knows that a Crazy Rabid Telepathic Talking Mutant Kiwi Bird's worst enemy is a Crazy Obsessive Stalker Girl who's out to overthrow their mother and steal away their father. Therefore, the bird sent out a telepathic call to it's cohorts.
'We'll see who's gone at the end of the day...' the bird cackled to himself. '...and who's DEAD! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!'
Yes, in layman's terms. The bird was crazy.
Relena entered the kitchen to find a strange sight. Duo was seated in the middle of the table with his legs crossed and his head in his hands looking bored. Wufei was perched on top of the refridgerator, sharpening his sword with a murderous gleam in his eyes and muttering something about 'metting out justice'. Quatre was standing in a chair against the wall, holding a fishing net out before him and glancing toward the back door in anticipation. Heero was sitting on the counter, his feet dangling off the side as he looked at Duo.
He fingered his gun and said, "I don't see why I can't just shoot a couple dozen. They reproduce faster than rabbits. And they're mutants! Who wants mutants!?"
"Heeeeerrrrroooooo!!!!" Relena cried upon setting eyes on him.
All four boys jumped startled and Heero's eyes widened significantly.
"Holy Prada!" he exclaimed. "Relena!?"
"Heero!" she cried joyfully again. Opening her arms wide, she dumped the angry Kiwi bird onto the floor and proceeded to step on him as she raced across the kitchen towards the stunned boy. "I finally found you!"
Before she could glomp onto him, he leapt into the air, did a flip and landed on the table beside Duo, leaving her to hug air as she crashed painfully into the counter.
"Relena!" Heero said angrily, narrowing his eyes at her as he seated himself next to Duo. "How did you find me!?"
Spinning around undaunted, she beamed at him and replied, "Who cares!? It only matters that I found you and now we can get married!"
From the top of the fridge came a choaking sound and both Heero and Duo stared at her with wide eyes. Quatre still seemed to be too preoccupied with the back door to notice the blonde bimbo in their midst.
"Relena?" Heero said quietly, almost disbelievingly.
"Yes, Heero?" she replied with a smile.
"I'm already married, remember?"
Confused, her smile faded and she cocked her head to the side. "What?"
"Yes, I'm married, Relena."
"That's not possible. You're gonna marry me." she exclaimed, still confused.
Duo choaked back laughter. Wufei smiled sadistically. Quatre had actually turned to look at them with a patronizing smile. Heero shook his head.
"Relena, don't you remember that note I left you years ago? With the teddy bear? Did you not even read it?"
"Of course!" she exclaimed, her smile returning. "It was so sweet!"
A loud bark of laughter escaped Duo and he giggled a bit before leaning closer to Heero and whispering loudly, "She's seeing things again."
A conspiritorial smile passed over Heero's lips and he responded, "Yes, what she wants to see."
Turning back to the confused girl, he said, "Okay, how about this? Didn't you see the headlines in the newspapers? On TV? Radio?"
"What headlines?" she asked almost innocently.
Wufei groaned and rolled his eyes. "Here we go again."
Suddenly and dramatically, Duo leapt up to stand on the table. He put a hand on his hip and pointed the other index finger toward the ceiling. With a loud, cheery voice, he did his best impression of a radio personality. "War hero married! Savior of the planet and the colonies ties the knot! Today at the home of good friend, Quatre R. Winner, Gundam pilot Heero Yui was married to fellow Gundam pilot, Duo Maxwell! Public festivities are planned everyday this week! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" The last was cackled out as Duo lost his footing and tumbled down into Heero's lap.
Heero clung to Duo to keep him from laughing himself off the table and onto the floor and raised an eyebrow. "Did you have to memorize all the reports?"
"Of course!" Duo responded through laughs.
Heero couldn't help but join his love in laughing, as did Quatre and even Wufei. But when they heard feminine laughter, they all stopped and stared at the only female in their midst.
Relena was laughing so hard, tears were pouring down her cheeks. "You guys!" she laughed. "That's so not funny!"
"No, it's not." Duo responded as he sat up reluctantly.
Relena seemed not to notice Heero's arm around the boy beside him, nor the way Duo leaned into him as she asked, "What are you guys doing on the table anyway?"
"Kiwi!" the forgotten pink bird squaked indignantly as it latched itself onto Relena's foot.
As it continued squaking, Heero smirked and said, "That...is why we're up here."
Hopping around the room, Relena kicked her foot out frantically, trying to dislodge the harmless-looking pink bird. !" she exclaimed. "You...can't...be...afraid...of...this...cutie! LET GO OF ME, YOU FEATHERED FREAK!!"
Duo shook his head and clung tightly to Heero. "Not a good move." he mumbled as his lover locked his arms around him.
Wufei grabbed at a cabinet just in time as the fridge started rocking dangerously. The house started shaking again and rumbling filled the air, along with multiple cries of; "Kiwi!""Kiwi""Kiwi!""Kiwi!""Kiwi!""Kiwi!""Kiwi!""Kiwi!""Kiwi!"
Relena's eyes bugged out as she turned to see several hundred blue and pink Kiwi birds running wildly towards her from the hallway.
"STAMPEDE!!" Trowa's voice called as he came into view being carted along on the backs of the birds.
The birds, a minimal threat alone, were now a dangerous, unstopable mob.
Quatre, upon seeing Trowa, cried, "I'll save you, koi!" and proceeded to attempt to net him. It failed, miserably, and Trowa continued to be at the mercy of the adorable birds of doom.
Ignoring Trowa's pleading to be let off, they continued on their warparth, crashing through the back door and trampling Relena on their way out.
"They're mad! Mad I tell you!" Trowa cried as he disappeared around the corner along with the rest of the birds, leaving the kitchen strangely silent in their wake.
Breaking the silence, Quatre suddenly leapt off his chair and ran out the back door calling, "Come back here with my husband!"
Heero took one look at the flattened Relena, covered with little Kiwi footprints, and burst out laughing.
Amazed at the strange laughter, Duo stared at him in shock. For all of three seconds. Then he pounced on him and silenced his laughter with his tongue.
Wufei just glared at the two on the table, before silently opening the window over the sink. He crawled out and onto the roof, careful not to catch the attention of any of the little feathered harbingers of wanton destruction. From his vantage point, he watched as Quatre angrily chased the Kiwi stampede around the house and down the street, yelling for Trowa's immediate return. Trowa had lost his normal stoic silence and was pleading with terrified eyes to be let off. The Kiwi birds ignored both as they continued to demolish everything in their path.
"This is the last time," Wufei muttered, "That Trowa brings his work home."