Harry et Potter and Prism of Alzheimer's
…. Everyone! W00t!
By Moustache Moony and Prickish Prongs
(Who are neither moustached nor prickish.)
Harry Potter of Number 4 Privet Drive was desperately wishing that he was NOT Harry Potter of Number 4 Privet Drive, and more something like Harry Potter of the Burrow or Harry Potter of London or Harry Potter of Frambosia, which doesn't exist but if it did, it would certainly be better than Number 4 Privet Drive.
At the moment, though, and no matter how much he wished otherwise, he was at Number 4 Privet Drive struggling to get his homework done beneath his covers. He wasn't quite allowed to do his homework, because it involved sacrificing virgins under the full moon, and his dreadful Uncle Hardon and Aunt Pee-ewnia didn't find this sort of behaviour appropriate.
It was appropriate, however, for Harry, as he was a heathen practitioner of the dark arts of Wizardry; a fledgling, 12-year-old student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry eager to be prepared for his 3rd year of schooling.
Anyway, Harry was busy hiding the blood of the innocents by the light of the moon when he heard his Uncle Hardon coming down the hall. Hastily hiding his sacrificial knife beneath the floorboards, he hopped into bed and shut his eyes.
"Aww, cute chap." Said his Uncle upon opening the door. "All tuckered out from a long day of frolicking and feasting on sweets. It's his birthday tomorrow, and my sister is coming over. She really does love him. I think we'll make it a special day for him." And quietly shut the door.
Harry thought bitterly of what it would be like to live away from the horrid Mirthlies, somewhere far away from Number 4 Privet Drive. Imagining a life somewhere far away, he fell asleep with a contented smile on his face.
MAAJI OBA-SAN'S BIG BOOBOO
The next day, he awoke to find his Aunt Marge beaming at him.
"Oh, HARRY!" She exclaimed, wrapping him in a fond embrace, "Happy birthday, my dear boy!"
"Go away, you stupid twit!" Harry screamed, furious. How DARE she.
And then he blew her up. Literally. Oh man, what a mess. But Ripper wasn't hungry for years.
Infuriated beyond belief and tears in his poor, misunderstood eyes, Harry packed all his things in his trunk and brandished his wand before him like a lunatic, taking to the streets and running as fast as his gangly pubescent legs could carry him.
THE KA-NIGGIT BUS
"Well, wot 'ave we got 'ere, then?" the rather spotty bus attendant looked down. Knocked on the ground was a rather small, puny Harry, looking frightened out of his wits. Stan rolled his eyes. "Oh, you're one of them, eh?"
Harry stood up indignantly. "One of what?" he asked, very rudely, and was promptly whacked in the mouth by Stan. "What on earth was that for?" he asked.
"So you CAN talk then. 'Ere, I was thinking yous was one of them mutes." Stan snorted. "Well, are you getting on or not?"
"I – I er – suppose I'd better get on then . . ." Harry whined. He boarded the Ka-niggit Bus hesitantly. Near the back lay a pile of English soldiers in shiny tin armour, looking up rather anxiously at the second floor, where a bunch of French soldiers taunted them mercilessly. Above, on the third floor, God was having tea with Demitri Mendileev.
"What – what is this?" Harry asked. Stan snorted.
"Did you 'ere that, Magic Michael? He asked wot this is."
From the front of the bus, suspended on a string, was the disembodied head of none other than Magic Michael. "This, you silly prepubescent self-absorbed angstly little teenybopper, is the Ka-niggit Bus. Transportation for whiny and worrisome wizards everywhere."
Harry shook his head, and took a seat on one of the nearby smurfs. Stan began reading the Daily Prophet, when all of a sudden Harry noticed the rather obvious headline. The poster was of a devilishly attractive but slightly crazy looking wizard yelling with abnormal glee and looking around. Stan looked over the top of his paper. "Did you want the sports section? There was a rather nasty accident at the Canadian Quidditch Cup. Apparently, the Mounties guarding the Cup ran off to be lumberjacks and a rogue bunch of Irish Fenian-Leprauchauns came and tried to steal it. Rather nasty struggle, really."
"No – thanks," Harry's voice cracked, rather embarrassingly – "Who is that on the front page?" He pointed to the poster.
"Sorry? Did you say you wanted Page Five? Yeah – the page five girl's real nice today . . ." Stan laughed gutturally.
"No – thank you. I just want to know who that wizard is on the front page," Harry demanded.
"Olright, olright already. Calm down, no need to get all hissy." Stan turned the paper, "page one – oh, that's Sirius Black. Voted Sexiest Wizard Alive three years running; then 'e got thrown into Azkaban. Lost 'is title to Professor Flitwick. 'E's just broken out of Azkaban, you see – that might boost his popularity in the polls again, come to think of it."
Harry gasped. "What did he get jailed for?" he asked, a hint of panic in his voice.
"Oh, you know, the usual. Murder, treason, betrayal . . . the only one who's gotta worry is that Potter kid – you know, the" Stan snickered, and continued in a mocking tone, "boy-who-lived-to-make-massive-amounts-of-money-in-publishing-and-merchandise."
"Wot's the matter with you? 'Ave you got asthma or sommat?" Stan shook his head, going back to his paper.
THE LEAKY POT
Several minutes of aghast silence and Harry arrived at the Leaky Pot, where a bizarre and small person was waiting for him. Dressed entirely in purple with several dozen "anti-Leprauchaun," charms pinned to his robes, Whimsical Warren looked rather more "paranoid," than "whimsical." The adjective "paranoid," has later to be used in conjunction with another name, however, and thus must be reserved for that yet-to-be-mentioned later date.
"Hajimemashite, Ha-ri-Po-ta-san. Watashi no Wi-mi-su-ka-ru Wa-re-n desu." Whimsical Warren gave a small bow. Harry gave him a perplexed look, and then pouted.
"Not only do I have an awful life, with awful friends, and awful teachers, I have to put up with awful busboys who speak dreadful languages!" Harry whined.
"Fine." Whimsical Warren straightened. "I just won't speak Japanese."
Harry stared at him incredulously. Warren grinned and hunched his back. "We've been expecting you! Do come in. And please – try the crab legs. They are to die for." Leading Harry into the Leaky Pot, they wandered up the stairs and into a room unlike the others – it was not quite the dismal, very antique looking pub, but instead a bright pink colour, with fluffy chairs and pillows adorned with slight tuffs of white and silver. The Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge, dressed in typical Cornelius-Fudge-Drag Wear – bought from the exclusive line of Kyle the Drag Designer – smiled. "Hell-ooo there, Harry," he started, wandering over, "I trust you are well?"
"Very well . . .thank you . . ." Harry stared around, amazed at the room.
"I'm sorry that I haven't had time to properly dress. I should have prepared better for your arrival. It was all so sudden, however. I apologize for your Aunt, she was awful, and I am terribly glad she was blown up. Have a nice stay here. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go – I have a performance at 6:30 in Belgium. Have a lovely time at Hogwarts and don't worry about a thing."
With that, the minister apparated and left Harry standing with Whimsical Warren. "Well, boy, I'm off. You can stay in this room – the minister thought you'd like it." Warren looked around nervously. "It's all pink, you see, it's so bright that you'd be able to tell if there were someone – or something – in here, just watching . . . just waiting . . ."
"You mean, like Sirius Black?" asked Harry.
"Yes – like Sirius Black . . . or . . . a leprechaun . . . a whole league of them . . .I must be off . . ."
With that, Whimsical Warren left Harry to his fluffy and enjoyable room, only to await the beginning of the new school term and the introduction of several amazing and superb characters, two of which who were girls of ages which shall vaguely be mentioned but not determined as they do not completely make utter sense with any of the plot or future plot that is yet to have developed.
The next day, Harry headed for Platform 9 ¾. Totally alone. I mean, totawy awone. For a private…. Poetry reading.
Right. Anyway, he went, and he was actually followed by many ministry agents not wanting him dead. Because Sirius Black wants him dead, you see.
ANYWAY, so he boarded the train feeling very miserable and angsty and whiny, and soon found his two best friends sitting in one of the cabins. To his perplexion, and complexion, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were not alone. They were with a short redheaded Gryffindor girl and a tall blond-haired Slytherin girl. The Gryffindor was ogling Ron while biting her cheek, but the Slytherin was staring at a mass of hair and cloak in the corner of the cabin. The sleeping form of an adult man.
"That's R.J. Lupin, that is." Said Hermione, stroking a large ginger cat on her lap. The cat burped and a worm-like tail shot out the cabin door. Scabbers, Ron's not-so-conspicuous pet donkey, whinnied wildly and cuddled into Ron's side.
"Watch that beast of a cat, Hermione! Or I'll turn it into a throw-rug!" Ron howled, sheltering Scabbers from sight. Hermione simply rolled her R's. I mean, eyes. But she DID roll her R's, anyway, when she said:
"That rrrrrrrat of yours is useless, anyway. Not like Prrrrrrrrrof. Rrrrrrremus Lupin." She gestured towards the sleeping man and the Slytherin girl sighed.
"Err, right. Who are you two, then?" Harry asked, suddenly. The two girls stirred, a bit sleepily.
"Oh, me? I'm Moony… but he's also Moony, so I can't be Moony, so for now I'll be… errmm…. Weasley. WAIT! No, I can't be a Weasley yet…" The redheaded girl looked very perplexed and lost, and finally she said, simply: "I'm a Linky."
Harry nodded and turned to the Slytherin girl.
"Kara Darkblood, and don't distract me, I'm trying to will him to love me in his sleep." She waved a hand in Harry's direction, staring intently at the cloak covering the sleeping professor. In response he pulled the cloak more tightly around him.
"I love magic!" Said Harry, suddenly.
"And I love to learn!" Hermione joined it.
"And I love YOU, H--" Ron started, but was cut off by a very loud Linky.
"I LOVE EXPLODING SNAP. LET'S PLAY."
But then, suddenly, the train stopped, and on board came a Ring wraith. I mean…. A Nazgul. I mean… A Dementaazgul. Harry promptly screamed like a little girl and blacked out. While Ron growled like a tiger. ROWR. And scared the Dementaazgul away.
"Why'd he pass out like that?" Kara asked, biting on a chocolate frog.
"Oh, him?" Hermione shrugged, "He's just demented."
Prof. R. J. Lupin slept on soundly.
SHARP POINTY THINGS AND REMNANTS OF A HOT BEVERAGE
After many rounds of uneventful exploding snap in which Ron kept staring at Hermione, Hermione kept staring at the (still unconscious) Harry, Linky kept staring at Ron, and Kara kept willing Prof. R. J. Lupin to love her in his sleep, they finally arrived at Hogwarts.
"Harry – Harry, wake up," Ron and Hermione shook Harry. "He's got to get up." Hermione said with concern.
"Why?" Ron and Kara said in unison.
"It's not like he's much use anyways, fainting at the first sight of a Dementaazgul. I mean, REALLY. A half naked smurf carrying a large stick and a basket of strawberries is one thing, but a Dementaazgul . . ." Kara yawned. "Just leave him here."
"Yeah," added Ron, "that way I can have more time alone with my beloved Hermi-" he was again cut off.
"So – er – yeah. HARRY!" shouted Linky, really loudly.
"Hobbits. Hobbits. They're everywhere! They want my b . . ." Harry shot up, dazed. Kara rolled her eyes.
"We're at Hogwarts." She muttered.
The Great Feast passed without much excitement; the only moment of extreme interest was the small, rather frustrating Hufflepuff girl in the front row of the school choir who opened her mouth ridiculously wide as though she were lip-synching. The Slytherins poined at her and laughed as she walked by. Except Kara, of course, who was still trying to tap into the power of telepathy to wilfully force Prof. R. J. Lupin to look in her direction.
As she was not very good at Legilimancy, it was not working.
At least, not yet.
Over at the Gryffindor end of the table, however, it was a much different story. There was much excitement as people conferred about courses and the new DADA teacher. "What have you got this year, Harry?" asked a dreamy-eyed Hermione.
"Er – all the regular stuff, and Divination." He paused, considering asking Hermione what she had, and then decided against it, as her list was usually very long and very dull, and he was much too self-involved to consider asking her anyway. He settled on having a nice snog with the rather-too-willing Her-Mi-O-Ni-Nee, and they are wiped from the plot until further notice, leaving Linky, Ron and Neville to discuss their classes.
"I've got Divination as well – do you?" Neville asked, staring at his paper.
"Yeah, we all do," answered Linky. She looked up at Neville. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"I've got Potions. Again." Neville ducked under the table.
Ron and Linky looked at each other. "Well, shall we go to Divination together?" Linky asked.
Ron gulped. "Er – er – sure. Sure." He said nervously, and accompanied Linky all the way up to the top of the tower where Prof. Trelaundry's attic was thick with purple smog from ridiculously potent incense. "Real great up here," muttered Ron.
Linky took a seat at one of the small, intimate tables and beckoned for Ron to sit opposite her. "Actually – I think – I think I'll go sit with Neville," he said, scrambling for Neville's table, which was miraculously still empty. Because, as we all know, Neville is ridiculously popular. Linky stared at Ron lovingly, and Ron pretended to be distracted by the teacups on the table. She sighed.
In to the room stumbled Kara, looking around rather wildly. "Stupid bloody time-turners, never get anything right. Two turns – two turns. Two turns and I ended up in 1963. Not good . . . I've got to figure this out." She muttered to herself, wandering around, looking for a table. Spying Linky's, she plunked herself down. "What's the matter, no lover boy?" she smirked.
Linky poked her with her wand. "Shut your face."
Both girls made faces, and Prof. Trelaundry wandered over to them, stopping as she saw Kara. "Ah, my dear girl, allow me to read your tea cup, please."
Kara looked up. "My tea leaves, you mean?" she smiled as politely as a Slytherin can.
"No, my dear girl, I meant the cup. I can't ever recall purchasing this one . . ." Trelaundry suddenly dropped the cup on the floor, gasping. "Oh, my, my girl," she looked up at Linky. "This is dreadful! You have – the GRIN!"
Kara looked at Trelaundry. "Don't you mean the grim?"
"Oh, poor cold, stupid Slytherin. You have no more heart than does the slimiest snake in a pit of pythons. Pity." Trelandry shook her head. "No, I meant the grin. Linky, dear girl, you are to have many misfortunes in the next little while!"
Linky looked over at Ron, who was snoring. "Tell me about it."
THE MIMICKING-DEMON IN THE CLOTHES CHEST
"What's wrong, don't like Divination?" Kara asked, tucking at her cleavage very self-consciously. She wasn't actually fiddling with her boobulars, but hiding her time-turner, but the Slytherin boys ogling her liked to think otherwise. Kara ignored them as she made her way out to the stone hut on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds.
"Of course not!" She frowned, "I WANTED to take Study of Runes, but Ron--"
"Oh yes!" Kara interrupted, "Ickle Ronnie! Well, let's go see the giant chicken and maybe he'll ask you out in front of the Colonel. Hallo, Sanders." Kara said as they greeted Hagrid. He gave her an odd look, then poined to a giant chicken behind him.
"This is Feathery, from Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road." He introduced the large, giant chicken. "Now, don't ever say he looks like a mongoose, or it'll be the last thing you ever do."
"Hey, Chicken." Draco interrupted, suddenly, after ogling Kara's cleavage. "You look like a mongoose."
And then Draco died.
But he rose as the walking dead for comedic purposes.
And because he's kind of good looking.
But let's say he complained to Daddy first. Oh dear.
But in the mean time, before he gets to complain to Daddy, there is a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson to be had.
"W00t! DADA!" Linky pumped her fist in delight. "I love this class!"
"I love this teacher." Kara sighed, ogling Lupin's cleavage. I mean, his moustache. Moustache-cleavage. Lip-crack. Hairy lip-crack. Harry Potter. Right.
Linky rolled her eyes, then rolled up her sleeves. Hurrah for parallelism!
"All right, let's fight this Shape-Shifting-Fear-Mimicking-Monster-Demon-Spectre-In-The-Place-For-Putting-Clothes-And-Knick-Knacks-And-Maybe-Liquor-Or-Human-Bodies-Like-Draco-Because-He-Died-In-The-Last-Scene-For-Saying-Feathery-Looked-Like-A-Mongoose-Which-He-Didn't-Really-So-It-Was-A-Nasty-Thing-To-Say-And-Oh-Yes-Have-I-Mentioned-That-Why-Did-The-Chicken-Cross-The-Road-Harry-Potter-Style-Is-Another-Story-We-Have-Written-Because-It's-A-Bit-Funny-But-Not-As-Funny-As-Chocolate-Pudding-And-If-You-Don't-Know-Why-Chocolate-Pudding-Is-Funny-Then-That's-Your-Problem-Not-Mine." Linky said, very excited.
And then… Lupin began to dance. To the SAMBA.
"Of love?!" Kara asked, eagerly.
"What?" Said Lupin.
"The samba of love!" Cried Kara.
"No," said Lupin, giving her an incredulous glance. "Why would I dance a love samba in my Defence Against the Dark Arts class? No, this is a Boggart-fighting Samba."
"Just fight the boggart, Miss Darkblood."
Kara grumbled, mumbling something about occlumancy under her breath and pulling out her wand while the gramophone beat out a zesty fiesta to her right. The wardrobe opened and out came…
"ARG! BRADY!" With a flash of her wand, she shouted "RIDDIKULUS!" and the Brady-shaped boggart turned into a giant pocket protector.
"…. That's not very funny." Lupin said.
"You don't know Brady."
Kara went to the back of the line with Ron in the front, and Linky bringing up the rear. Or, should I say, Ron's rear.
But that's a story that shall be told another time.
THE FLIGHT OF THE FU-RA-TTO RE-DII
"What's going on, then?" asked Linky, still bringing up the rear . . . Ron's rear, much to his chagrin. The staircase was changing to lead them up to the Gryffindor commons room, but there was a mass of hormone-racing teenagers surrounding it.
Percy pushed his way through to the front. "Get out of my way, I'm Big Head. I mean – Head Big. Big Boy. I'm a Big Boy! Head Big! Boy Big! Arg! I'M HEAD BOY!"
By that time, however, he had been trampled upon by some first years and thrown into a painting in which he encountered a couple of Japanese wizards and proceeded to become a ninja.
"OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!" squealed the Fat Lady. "OOOOOOHHHH!"
"What's wrong?" asked Linky.
"HE was here," she screamed.
"HE! He was here. Are you thick? I said he was here!" she repeated, going from melodramatic to slightly peeved. In the midst of nowhere, Peeves appeared.
"Did you ring?" he asked.
Linky shook her head. "Who was here?"
"SIRIUS BLACK!" squealed the Fat Lady.
Ron's face blanched, and he edged closer to Linky.
THE MIRTHFUL DEFEAT
The rain beat down on the Quidditch pitch as Linky hovered on her Nimbus 2000. Harry, as usual, had skipped too many practices to go snog with Hermione, and thus forfeited his position as seeker. It had been taken by Linky, for which Ron had gained immediate admiration.
Ahah! The snitch was in sight – just several yards ahead of her. In the distance, she could see Diggory circling on his broom. The golden snitch shot upwards, and she followed suit. The clouds and rain made it difficult to see properly, not to mention the light of oncoming traffic reflecting off her glasses. She dodged a plane as she went for the snitch.
It was almost within reach when above her, a Dementaazgul pounced and began to suck the life out of her. Literally. I don't know what that translates into in Japanese, but it's literal, for certain.
Rather uncomfortably, and to the disadvantage of all parties involved Linky fell off her broom and began the very long descent to the ground. Unfortunately, Dumbledore happened to be watering the strawberries at the time and thus did not notice that Linky was falling. A bunch of small woodland smurfs did, however and they formed an inter-linking Smurf net, which cushioned her fall.
"Linky! Linky!" squealed Ron. He ran after her, and picked up her limp body. "Oh, Linky, please be okay . . ." he muttered softly.
Linky, despite being slightly conscious, feigned unconsciousness in order to exact a kiss from the said Weasley, who did so nervously and fleetingly.
"Ron!" shouted Kara, running after him. "What do you think you're doing?"
Ron dropped Linky. "Er – er- nothing – looking for hippopotamuses?"
To Ronald's amazement, Linky stood up, brushed herself off, smiled at him lovingly, and proceeded to poke Kara with a stick all the way back to the hospital wing, where she promptly fell down, exhausted, and into a deep sleep.
THE SNEAKY MAP
When she awoke, she found Fred and George hovering over her. "Poke her again," said Fred.
"No!" George replied. Fred has always been the more evil twin, and thus was less concerned about poking people with sticks or assaulting them with shrubberies than was George.
Linky woke up, rubbing her eyes. "Ah, good," began George.
"You're up." Finished Fred.
"Where's Ron?" she blurted out.
"Shall we find out?" Asked Fred devilishly. The twins exchanged glances. Because exchanging glances is something one does with another person who is aware that you have something ridiculously amazing to tell the other. It is rather like exchanging glasses, when you are not permitted to consume any butterbeer and your friend has a glass full of it.
"This, my dear," said George.
"Is the," continued Fred.
"It is used,"
"To figure out,"
Linky's eyes widened. "You're kidding," she said.
The twins laughed, and replied in unison, "It's yours – you need it more than we do. Just tap on it and say, 'I solemnly swear I am up to no good.'"
Fred and George laughed again, and began to leave the hospital wing, when suddenly Fred turned and looked at her seriously. That's SERIOUSLY, not SIRIUSLY. That comes later.
"You must say 'mischief managed,' when you're finished. Otherwise, who knows who might just use it. Might be an awful Slytherin!"
THE BLAZING LIGHTENING BOLT
"Wicked!" exclaimed Ron, staring at the new broom, which sat in the middle of the Gryffindor commons room. Linky examined it with care. "But who sent it?" he asked.
"I dunno," she muttered. "I wanna ride it!" she exclaimed.
Ron stepped back, shocked.
"The BROOM, Ronald. But . . ." she looked up at him devilishly.
"Er – the broom, yeah." Ron practically ran out of the commons room.
Upon reaching the courtyard, a rather large crowd, including a FAT black boy whom no one knew but was apparently in the same year and in Gryffindor house, had assembled.
"Well, let's see it go," someone in the crowd yelled.
Linky mounted it, and kicked off; the broom went so fast that she nearly crashed right into the oversized statue of the famed Hamu-Hamu Party, which commemorated that essential occasion in Wizarding History.
And much fun was had with the Firebolt, and Ron nervously tried to figure out how to tell Linky how he really felt without her jumping him right then and there.
Harry suddenly jumped back into the story and decided he needed to learn how to do the Hippopotamus charm in order to fight off Dementors. Because, let's face it, he's a pussy. So Lupin, in his great and indefatigable compassion, decided to teach the poor sucker how it's done.
"All right, Harry. As your father figure in this book you need to do exactly as I say. So pick a happy memory and let's get started." Lupin said, walking around the giant floating planet things.
"Ohohohohohohohoho!" Said an old, bearded man.
"Bugenhagen! I told you to scram!" Shouted Lupin, and the old man went away. Harry watched him with interest as Lupin began to explain.
"Now, what you're about to learn is called the Hippopotamus--"
"Did someone say my name?" Said a red-skinned, dark-furred Faun who'd just come into the room holding a flute.
"Tumnus! OUT!" Lupin shouted again, and the faun went the way of the Bugenhagen.
"All right, just picture something happy, say 'expecto hippopatanum', and fend off the dementor else your other father figure will die. Understood?" Lupin asked, quickly. As Harry was nodding, Lupin quickly went behind a glass wall and spoke into a little speaker.
"Now, this isn't dangerous at all. I'm just back here for radiation purposes and all that jazz. Speaking of which…" Lupin then put on some jazz on his gramophone, which went through the speaker of the glass room. And then…
Lupin began to dance.
Kara's Edit: And looked very sexy as he did.
And while he was dancing, a big scary dementor came out and Harry collapsed.
"Effing moron." Said Lupin.
When Harry had finally discovered how to summon a Hippopotamus, Lupin had kicked him out in exhaustion and mumbled something about visiting the Slytherin girls' dormitory with Snape later on. Harry decided to ignore him and went with Hermy and Ron down to Hagrid's hut, where they discovered that Feathery was going to be killed.
"Oh no!" Said they.
And then Lupin began to dance.
GRYFFINDOR VS. YOUR MOM
Linky was flying on her broomstick and kicked a lot of butt. Suffice to say, that, because she was a girl who liked boys (namely, Ronniekins) and was not stupid Harry who liked jerkface bitches like Cho Chang, she was not distracted by the pretty Ravenclaw seeker. In fact, she was very rude to the pretty Ravenclaw seeker, and almost knocked her off her broom, and caught the snitch very quickly. And then they won. And it was awesome. Seriously, you should've been there. Linky was like VROOOOOM, and then WOOOOOOOOSH! And then FWABAM! And then WAKKA WAKKA! And then BOINK! And she lost her wand. BUT THEN BOINK! And she caught the snitch! Man it was so totally cool. You'll regret not having been there. In fact, why weren't you there? Are you some kinda punk? Some kinda punk who doesn't watch quidditch? You wanna go? Huh? Huh? Huh?
… errrm………………………………….. We don't remember this chapter. And we're pretty sure it was cut in the movie, so, umm… in this chapter, Snape has some fudge.
And he really likes it.
And he dances. Sort of.
But it's not as good as Lupin dancing. It's more of a kinda… hip-wiggle. In a dress. You know, the kind that guys do when they don't know how to dance?
Man, Snape sure loves his Fudge.
…. Now THERE'S a slash pairing I don't think anyone has thought of, yet.
"Oh, Severus!" Fudge shouted in pure rapture as Snape embraced his manhood.
"Cornelius! RAVAGE ME!" Snape moaned in pleasure.
Kara's edit: As a Slytherin, I am completely and utterly insulted.
THE QUIDDITCH THING.
Yeah. Gryffindor won. W00t. Linky was soooo damn cool.
PROFESSOR TRELAUNDRY'S LAUNDRY
A prophecy was given.
By Prof. Trelaundry, of course.
It went rather like this:
"You must sort the whites from the coloreds. The coloreds must then be sorted into the darks and the lights. You must always use fabric softener. Always."
And then she fell over from inhaling too much incense.
CAT, RRRRRRRRRAT AND DOG (AKA Back to the Plot II)
Meanwhile all of this Quidditch nonsense, Kara has been running away from a large, angry dog that keeps chasing her, simply because she doesn't like dogs. Especially black ones that drool and have large teeth.
Ron, who gave up on watching Quidditch because it contributed to his inferiority complex, found Kara in the library, researching angry black dogs and love-sambas. "Hey – Kara?" he asked.
She looked up. "What is it now, Weasley? Oh oh – let me guess. You're having Potions troubles."
Ron shook his head. "No."
"Er – In a way, yes. You see, I really fell such terribly deep poetic affection for a certain personage and wish to express this to her, without suffering the loss of a limb."
Kara laughed, and just as she began to launch into a tirade, Scabbers bit Ron and started running off. "Bloody hell, he just bit me! Scabbers!" Ron ran after the rodent.
"Stupid rat," Kara muttered. "Wait up, Weaslebee," she called after him.
They ran off, chasing the rodent, and caught up with Linky on her way back from Quidditch practice. "What's up?" she asked.
"Chasing after stupid rodent," Kara yelled as they passed. Linky followed suit, until they found themselves at the Violent Willow. "Oh, brilliant," she said.
"Ron!" screamed Linky. "Run! I don't want you getting maimed yet, I haven't had a chance to snog you!"
Ron's face twisted in terror.
"Oh, it's not that bad, is it?" Linky asked, shocked.
"RUN!" he screamed. Just then, the large angry dog that had been chasing Kara around for an as of yet unknown reason lunged at them and towards Ron, biting him and pulling him – and Scabbers – out of the way. The Willow began attacking Kara and Linky; Ron was pulled into the bottom of the tree.
"Damn it!" yelled Linky, who bravely got up onto her feet and ran towards the base of the tree.
Kara just sat where she was, and lazily pulled out a book and began to read. Linky, in the tree base, yelled up at her. "Aren't you coming?"
"What incentive is there for me to go with you?" she yelled back. "I'm quite content here. In fact, I think I'll just eat a mysteriously appearing apple."
Linky paused. "Lupin might be down here," she said.
Kara perked up.
Linky continued, "He might be dancing . . ."
"A love samba!"
"Really!?!" exclaimed Kara.
"Never know," replied Linky.
Kara jumped up and, after being whacked by the tree a couple of times, yelled "Immobulus," and ran after Linky.
WORMTAIL, MOONY, PADFOOT, PRONGS
Moans came from an upper room of the Shrieking Shack as Linky and Kara made their way in. Linky immediately recognized the cry. "That must be Ron! Come on!" she pulled Kara up the stairs and they ran into the room from which the moans had originated. "Ron! Darling!" shouted Linky.
Ron's face was twisted in pain. "Linky, no – it's a trap – he's a chap," he yelled.
Kara looked at him doubtfully, "What?"
"He's an animagus!"
From behind the door emerged Sirius Black, looking raving mad, and rolling his R's. He wasn't saying anything in particular, just rolling his R's, for the heck of it. "Time to DIE!" he yelled, laughing insanely.
At that very moment, Lupin sprang in, much to the delight of Kara. "Wait, Sirius, just a moment."
Sirius' eyes glinted. "No! Time to DIE!"
"What are you doing," asked Ron, as Sirius approached him.
"The RRRRRRRAAAAT! It must DIIIIEEEE!"
THE SERVANT OF MOULDIE VOLDIE, HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-EATEN
As this was all going on, Harry and Hermione had stopped smooching and had just witnessed the death of Feathery. How awful. This information will become vital in the next chapter. Just keep your eyes – and bananas – peeled.
Meanwhile, in the Shrieking Shack, Snape has just run in on a rather odd situation: Ron and Linky are clinging to each other, Kara is staring dreamily at Lupin, and Sirius is pointing his wand rather accusingly at Scabbers.
"Vengeance . . ." began Severus, only to be cut off by a quick "Expelliarmus," from Linky, who went immediately back to cuddling up with Ron, who – for the first time in this fic – is not looking uncomfortable at all.
"Quick! The RRRRRAT!" yelled Sirius. Remus and Sirius both poined their wands at Scabbers and began missing, until finally Remus succeeds and the rat is turned into none other than . . .
"Pierre Pettigrew? Minister of Finance?" asked Kara.
"No!" exclaimed Lupin, "This is Peter Pettigrew, Betrayer of the Marauders!"
"Ahah!" shouted Linky, who held her wand level with Pettigrew. "You're going back to the castle, Peter. The Dementors can have you."
Pettigrew looked up, still looking very rat-like. "Will they give me some cheese? A little spam might be nice too."
Ron gasped, holding Linky closer. "Spam? How dare you ask for spam! ROAR!"
"Oh, yes, Ron!" Linky drooled.
Linky edit: I object to the drooling. I do not drool. Often.
THE DEMENTOR'S KISSU 3
Sirius and Linky help the limping Ron out into the cool air of the night, where he sits with Linky next to him. "They may have to chop it, you know." She shakes her head, and they look all lovey-dovey until Kara poins out the rather obvious fact that it is a full moon.
"Shit!" they yelled in unison. Just then, Snape appears and looks quite murderous. Sirius and Lupin transform and have a rather painful looking fight. It ends tragically, with Harry having to go off and save Sirius and then getting himself locked in a tower.
Ron, Linky and Kara end up in the Hospital Wing, with Ron in a cast. The clock begins to chime, and Kara comes up with the rather Captain-Obvious idea on how to save the day.
"Sorry, 'Ickle-Ronniekins Weaslebee' but you've got to stay behind." Kara throws the chain of the time-turner over the neck of Linky and turns it three turns. "Let's just hope I don't end up in Renaissance France again," she mutters.
KARA'S NOT SO SECRET SECRET
Arriving in the same place but several hours earlier, Kara breathed a sigh of relief. Fully aware that Linky knew what a time-turner was, she ignored the explanation part and they went running off to Hagrid's hut, where they intended to get Hermione and Harry to stop smooching and themselves to save Feathery.
"How do we get them to leave? Dumbledore and company are coming!" Linky hissed. Kara silenced her with the calm wave of a hand. From a nearby tree, Kara plucked a can of Spam growing on a branch and hurled it at the back of Harry's head.
"That should do it. Now come on, let's hide." Kara and Linky disguised themselves as woodland smurfs until the coast was clear, and then used real woodland smurfs as bait for Feathery as they dragged him to safety.
They were almost caught, but Dumbledore saved the day.
"Mr. Fudge, do you see those strawberries over there?"
"Over where? I don't see any."
"That's entirely the point! You're not supposed to. They are Hogwart's own Maginot Line, if you will. A strawberry defence system. Very essential, I assure you."
"Okay. Good times," said Kara.
"Now to save Sirius and finally have Ron all to myself!" shouted Linky.
And so off to save Sirius with the Hippopotamus charm they were; and after doing so they managed to get back where they belonged before the allotted time.
And then they helped Sirius get away, which was all good and dandy because Sirius had no idea who the devil they were.
"Well…. Err… thanks." He said, scratching his neck, "Err, if you see Harry, tell him I said goodbye…?"
"Sure thing, Mr. Black." Linky nodded and Kara looked extremely bored. Sirius Black then mounted Feathery and flew off into the moonlight.
"Well, that was nice."
The next day, Gryffindor was awarded both the Quidditch Cup and the House Cup, which makes Gryffindor awesome and Slytherin smelly.
But before they left for the summer, there was one teacher they all just had to see….
"We love you, Snape!"
"I love you too, children."
"Alas! A cornucopia of love!"
And then Lupin began to dance.
(in traditional Marauders Style)
And then Linky snogged Ron and they lived happily ever after, and had many little redheaded Weasley children named after the sacrificed smurfs.
And Kara spent the rest of eternity trying to will Lupin into dancing a love samba with her.
And then he did.
No really, this is the End.
We're not lying; it's done.
Stop scrolling down, it's finished already!
REALLY! IT'S DONE! FINI! C'EST TOUT!