Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure
Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...
Summary...: we are so making you guess...
"KILL HIM, LEGOLAS…KILL HIM!" Aragorn shouted at the blonde Elf as they stood on the wall of Helm's Deep, desperately trying to fight back the hordes of Uruk-Hai that swarmed around the wall. The one ghastly black beast that Aragorn had in mind was, at the moment, running toward the aqueduct with a torch with which to light the explosives that had been laid there, intending to blow a huge hole in Rohan's defenses.
Legolas rapid-fired several arrows at the beast, and scored each and every time, but to no avail. The fire touched the explosives and the world ignited all around them.
Legolas, pulled down at the last moment out of harm's way by a pair of friendly hands, turned to see Haldir of Lothlorien grinning at him. "Rusty?" he asked, swatting Legolas on the shoulder as they both turned to run from the advancing hordes.
"I didn't miss!" Legolas yelled, slicing a path through the vermin with his white knives.
"You didn't kill him either," Haldir pointed out, his sword finding yet another mark.
"I didn't see you helping…" Legolas shot back, his knives whirling in front of him.
"I was too busy saving your Elven ass," Haldir retorted, nearly beheading one of the beasts.
Together they fought their way through, as the call was sounded to retreat further into Helm's Deep.
As they rounded a corner of the wall, the two Elves were shocked into immobility by a sudden bolt of lightning, so close that it singed the hair of their eyebrows. When the smoke cleared they found themselves facing an odd, silvery box, slightly taller than an Elf, and twice as wide. A funny hinged door opened, and, to Legolas and Haldir's continued surprise, two humans stepped out.
"I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire…" said one.
"And I am Ted Theodore Logan…" said the other.
"And together we are…Wyld Stallyns!" they finished together, jumping up into the air, waving their arms frantically in front of them, making horrible, loud noises with their mouths.
Haldir looked at Legolas. Legolas looked back at Haldir.
"Wizards?" Haldir asked.
"Morons." Legolas answered.
Before the Elves could act, two Orc arrows flew through the air from behind them, dispatching the two leaping, screaming humans.
Looking behind them, Legolas and Haldir saw a swarm of Uruk-Hai advancing on them from behind, and, turning forward, saw an equally huge party of beasties heading toward them from that direction, cutting off their retreat.
Without thinking, Haldir pulled Legolas into the silvery box that had just emptied itself of its former inhabitants. Closing the oddly hinged door, the Elves watched as the Uruk-Hai - not the brightest creatures on the evolutionary ladder, bang their fists on the see-through walls of the box, screaming their frustration at not being able to touch and kill the two Elves within it.
One especially brawny brute gave a mighty push, rocking the box roughly back and forth. The Elves were tossed helplessly from side to side within the box. One of them - later Legolas was sure it was Haldir, although Haldir hotly contested that assertion - bumped against a most peculiar looking instrument attached to the wall. Thinking the black "U" shaped thing was a weapon of some sort, Legolas picked it up, but couldn't figure out what to do with it.
Haldir, frustrated, banged his fist against the box to which the "U" shaped thing was attached by a silver cord, hitting a square in the middle of the contraption that had strange markings on tinier squares held within it.
Suddenly, lights began flashing all around the silver box, as if star fire were hitting it from all directions, knocking away the Uruk-Hai and surrounding the box with smoke.
The next thing Legolas and Haldir knew, they were in each other's arms, screaming for their Nanas and Adas as the box ricocheted through space at great speeds.