Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

Distractedly walking and turning the bar of soap over and over in his hands admiring it with awe, Aragorn rammed into someone and fell onto his hands and knees. Finally able to think again, as he'd been dazed in the fall, he was surprised to two very pretty red clad feet before him. Slowly and appreciatively he followed the milky, long legs up to a very short red silk and lace skirt that barely covered anything. He practically panted as he rose up, following the red lace to two very perky breasts and beautiful cleavage.

"AAAHHH!" He screamed jumping back as he gazed into one very pissed Galadriel.

"Are you quite through?" She tapped her foot impatiently, before tossing her hair and motioning Gimli and Legolas to follow her again. "We MUST find the others, NOW." She called behind her.

Still a little frightened by the appearance of his grandmother-in-law, Aragorn followed the drooling Legolas and Gimli cautiously.


Haldir walked along determinedly, calling out Rufus' name every few seconds, unaware of the annoyance of the other shoppers. He also did not notice all the women following him, making pinching motions and kissy sounds at his ass, as he was too wrapped up in his quest.

He did, however, see the two women waving frantically for his attention. Motioning him over to them, they smiled coyly as he walked up. Both bounced on their tiptoes as they gazed into his baby blues, giving him an excellent view down the fronts of their…he paused for a moment to read their shirts.

"H-O-O-T-E-R-S? Hooters?" Seeing the picture of the Owl on the front, he decided it must be some kind of bird club or something. The two bleach blonde women giggled, hearing his heavily accented speech and deciding that he must be some kind of foreigner, probably from Scandinavia. Each tugged on one of his arms into the restaurant.

The big sylvan's eyes grew as wide as dinner plate, as an enormous goofy grin crossed his face.

He was in some sort of dancing girl hall or brothel. His eyes glittered like an elfling's at his Day of Majority Eve Party. The two women giggled again, as they led him to a table. One whipped out –he swore it was from her ass, and even asked to see her do it again, eager to get his hands on her- a strange skinny, cold brown bottle, glistening with condensation. He once again spelled out the words written on the side…B-U-D-W-E-I-S-E-R.

Haldir sniffed the opening of the bottle curiously, and finding that it smelled a lot like ale, he gulped it back in one gulp. Belching loudly, he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve. The women once again giggled, and the other ran off, bringing back several more bottles.

After his seventh bottle, he'd begun to sing bawdy elven songs teaching them to all the 'ladies' within, trying to grope them if they got near enough. Climbing clumsily on top of a table, he stood up and puffed his chest out, announcing to all that he, the March Warden of Lorien, would single handedly be willing to take on the task of aiding these women in – in what they never found out, as the silver haired elf suddenly slipped, and crashing to the floor, lay dazed for a few moments. Finally getting his bearings, he shook his head and stood up, realizing that he was majorly distracted from the task at hand. Looking around, he apologized profusely for the mess and walked out of the restaurant. He didn't see the manager yelling behind him about paying for his drinks, nor the ladies smiling wistfully after him, watching his ass jiggle till he was out of sight.


Merry and Pippin wandered around mostly searching for snacks. For the most part, they were oblivious to the remarks from kids about munchkins and the Wizard of Oz. Finally they came to a store that had a wide variety of interesting curios displayed within. Merry, still concentrating on his stomach, reluctantly followed the excitable Pippin into the store, pausing briefly to sound out S-P-E-N-C-E-R-S…

A freaky looking guy, dressed all in black with chains hanging from different piercings on his face and his hair spiked all over the top, stopped them at the door.

"Sorry, no children. Adults only."

"WHAT! We are no children," Pippin declared hotly. Merry rolled his eyes behind his friend.

Hearing their somewhat deep voices, the guy replied, "Oh, I suppose you are a couple of midgets then." And he waved in a sputtering Pippin and annoyed Merry.

"Just wait till I tell Mr. Spencer about his workers! Don't they know hobbits when they see them?" Pippin said before he notice the interesting things all around him. "Oh, Merry, it is like Solstice…" the little hobbit's mouth hanging open in awe…

Both of sets of eyes lit up at the sight of the lava lamps, colorful liquid flowing and changing shape before their eyes. Pippin, entranced by the sight, tried to climb the lower shelves to reach the glowing lamps. Instead, he slipped and fell back against an island rack, knocking it over. Dozens of little and big boxes fell on top of him. Merry reached down and picked one up out of curiosity. Turning it over in his hands, he spelled out loud the large white letters.

"P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L M-A-S-S-A-G-E-R…" He looked around for the freaky looking guy, and finally finding him, asked him, "What is a Personal Massager?"

The guy looked at Merry like he'd grown three heads while Pippin crawled out of the mess and became distracted by the squishy eye-ball key changes and rubber dog poo.

"Uh, your use it to massage your sore muscles," the guy answered quickly. Merry looked down at the shiny smooth pink object still in its box.

"Can I try it?"

The guy curled his lip and wrinkled his nose in a weirded out expression. "Uh…"

"My neck is mighty sore, and I just want to see how it works…"

"Uh, sure little dude, just put it back in the box when you are through, so I don't get in trouble…" He then put as much distance between him and the short freaks.


Haldir passed the stores, searching for his companions and Rufus, still dizzy from his fall and all the beers. He had to do a double take as he passed one store, not sure he believed what he saw.

But it was…

Merry was standing in the middle of the store, rubbing his neck with some strangely phallic pink object that vibrated. Pippin was not far from his, sitting on some kind of a cushion, which let out a loud flatulence noise. Then standing up, he would blow it up and sit on it again. The hobbit giggled delightedly each time he did it.

Both stopped and dropped their items, once they saw Haldir watching them.

"HALDIR! We've been looking for you everywhere!" They jumped into his arms.

The pierced guy approached them. "These your kids?" He indicated the two hobbits in Haldir's arms.

"Are you kidding," Haldir said in shock. "Hell no!" He not-so-gently placed the hobbits on the ground, and stomped off in a huff, the two not far behind him.

"Where are we going, Hal?" Piped up Pippin.

"Don't call me that," growled Haldir.

"Where are we going, Haldir…" asked Merry.

"To find our way out of this damned place…" Haldir paused before he could finish his thought, as Galadriel stood before him. "Mommy," he whimpered, his legs turning to mush at the sight of her in red…